by Charity B.
Neither of us respond as Silas turns around in his seat and I nod to him. We all remain silent until Lex comes running down the front steps.
He jumps in the front seat and barks, “Drive Silas, now!”
The tires make a shrill sound as the car drives away from the curb. Silas looks around the car and shakes his head in agitation. “Will someone please tell me wha-”
BOOM!
The entire car shakes and when I turn my head to look, I see my house drowning in smoke and flames. Toben and I look at each other before turning to watch it burn.
I say my final goodbye to my home, my Maker, and my life as I know it. Everything will be different now. Nothing will ever be the same again.
“Jesus Christ!” Silas yells, startling Toben and I, to turn back around.
“Where are you keeping these girls, Toben?”
Lex’s voice has never sounded so cold before, and I don’t like it. He still has to speak slow which makes it even more unnerving. Toben looks out the window and I think it’s so he doesn’t have to look at me when he answers.
“I’ll give you the address.”
“And they’re both legal right? Tell me I don’t need to call Social Services.”
Toben sighs and presses his hand to his forehead. “They’re both adults. I’ve never voluntarily done anything to a child.”
“Good to know you have standards,” Lex snaps.
I can see Silas’ eyes are huge as he mouths What. The. Fuck? to Lex, as Alexander just shakes his head and scoffs. His face is hard and blank as he stares silently ahead.
We arrive at Silas’ and Lex unbuckles his seat belt. “I need your car.” At first Silas looks like he’s about to protest, until Alexander jabs a finger at Toben. “Do not let the little fuck leave, and if he tries, call the police.”
I use my eyes to beg Toben to not give them a reason to do that. Lex can’t send him to jail. I know what he did is bad, and honestly, I’m struggling to grasp it as well, but I still won’t let them take him away.
“Lex-”
He glares at me making me sink into the seat, as he slams the door. Toben looks back at me one last time before he and Silas go inside.
“I know you love him, but he’s a murderer and a rapist. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Think about his victims. He deserves to pay for his crimes.” I’m impressed with how well he’s already speaking as he carefully says each word. “Your story is incredible and I do feel for what you went through, especially as children. However, he’s an adult now and has made a lot of these choices for himself. He should have to suffer the consequences of those actions.”
I don’t care about consequences and actions. We are different and I never want him in a cage again.
He types the address Toben gave him into Silas’ GPS, and laces his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry, Tavin. I promised you it wouldn’t happen again and it did.” His voice cracks before he swallows. “Please forgive me for that.”
I hate that he’s feeling guilty when he is the only reason I have my freedom in the first place. I use both of my hands to hold his as I kiss all of his fingers. He looks at me and I shake my head. “There’s nothing to forgive you for, Lex.”
He gives me an expression that doesn’t quite make it into a smile as he rubs his thumb across mine.
We barely speak on the almost hour-long drive and when we pull up to a cute two story, tan home, he looks through the windshield.
“This is not at all what I was expecting.”
We get out of the car and I’m so scared to see what’s inside this place, this side of Toben I never knew existed.
Alexander pulls the key Toben gave him, from his pocket, and unlocks the white door. It’s completely quiet as we step inside and the carpet keeps it that way as I walk to the kitchen. There isn’t a single appliance besides the empty fridge. Everything is bare and there’s hardly any furniture.
“I don’t think anyone lives here.” I’m whispering and I don’t know exactly why, other than the eerie stillness in the air.
He nods down the hall and pauses at the first door. Turning the knob, he slowly opens it. The light is off and when he turns it on, his shoulders slump. “It’s only a bathroom.”
We creep to the second door to find it’s an empty closet. He takes a breath before opening the third door, but when he tries, it’s locked. He quirks his lip in a nervous expression and his uneasiness isn’t doing anything to help my own.
He softly raps on the door and speaks slightly above a whisper. “Hello? Are you alright in there? We’re here to help you.” There isn’t a single sound or any evidence at all that anyone’s here. I shrug at him and he taps again. “Please, we won’t hurt you, I promise.”
Still there’s nothing. He reaches up to run his hand along the door frame and a skeleton key drops on the carpet. I lean down to pick it up and run my finger over the design at the top. It’s a very pretty key. I hand it to him and when the lock clicks and the door swings open, it’s to an empty bedroom.
“Hello?” Lex asks, softly.
The room is clean, with a bed, dresser, closet, books, TV, radio and a few other items. I see a shirt on the floor and when I open the closet there are clothes inside. Lex opens the other door and it’s a bathroom. I hear him move the shower curtain and whisper, “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not going to do anything to you.”
I enter the bathroom and see a girl with brown hair, a few years younger than me, huddled in the bathtub. She’s shaking in tremors, until finally she murmurs, “Where’s Toben?”
“He’s gone,” Lex answers.
“Gone?”
He leans down in front of her. “We just want to help you and get you out of here, okay?”
“I can go home?” she whispers, like she’s scared to hope the words are true.
He nods and when he reaches for her, she tries to push herself harder against the side of the tub. He stands up and backs away to give her space. “Yes, we just need to find the other girl first. Does someone else live here with you?”
She looks up at the ceiling. “Nikki. Her room is upstairs.”
He gives her a small smile and stands next to me. “Bring anything you want to keep. We’ll get you out of here soon.”
I follow him out of the bedroom and up the stairs. He clenches the skeleton key in his hand and as we arrive at the first door, he slides it into the lock and turns it with a click.
In this room, a strawberry blonde girl is waiting on her knees. My heart can’t take much more breaking. He makes her kneel just like Logan made us. Her head lifts and her face falls with a frown. “Where’s Toben?”
Lex tucks the key in his pocket. “He’s letting you go.”
“What?” Her eyes fill up with tears as she lets her position fall. “Why? What did I do?”
Lex’s head cocks to the side in surprise as I step to her. “You didn’t do anything, he just doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Leaving me is hurting me! I want to talk to him, where is he?”
She cares for him, that much is clear, and I hope it’s because he wasn’t as cruel to her as Logan made it seem.
“He’s gone. I’m sorry,” Alexander says.
She shakes her head. “No, he wouldn’t leave me alone.” As if only seeing me, she scrunches her nose and scowls at me. “Who the fuck are you anyway?”
“My name is Tavin. I—”
She lunges for me. “You bitch!” Her face is inches from mine. “It’s your fault he’s closed off and won’t let himself love me. You’re the reason he’s gone, aren’t you?” She gives me an unimpressed sneer. “I’m not going anywhere with you.” She walks over to her bed and sits, leaning against the head board. “I’m waiting for Toben.”
Alexander bristles and loosens his fists. “If that’s what you want to do, we can’t stop you, just know he’s not coming back.”
He grabs my hand, before I turn back at her. If I did have a part in hurting her, I never wanted
to.
“I’m sorry.” She looks away from me, so I follow him out.
“Well, good to know he added brainwashing to the list.”
I don’t know how to respond, so I don’t, as we walk back downstairs to Tiffany. She still seems a little hesitant to believe us, until we open the front door, then she runs out and falls to her knees in the grass. She weeps as she scrapes her fingers through the blades.
“I can’t believe it’s over…” Her shoulders shake as she lifts her head to Lex. “Where are you taking me?”
He kneels down next to her. “Where are you from?”
She wipes her nose and sits back. “Phoenix.”
He looks at me with a questioning expression. How the heck am I supposed to know how she got here? I shrug at him and he helps her up. “Are you hungry?”
She shakes her head. “I just want to see my parents.”
Lex opens up the car and lets her in. She crawls in the back and I climb up front with him.
“How did you get here? Do you remember?”
She chokes on her sobs. “It was my first day of college. I was walking from my apartment to my first class and the next thing I know, I’m in a dark room. There were other girls there and even more came later. A man came in and tied us all together with a rope. I don’t know how many of us there were when they blindfolded us and put us in the back of either a van or a truck. We were in there for a really long time. One of the girls died.” I look back at her and she’s crying. “We had to stay tied to her for…I don’t know…maybe days.”
Alexander takes in a big breath and starts the car. “Jesus.”
She fidgets with her fingers as she continues. “We were still blindfolded when they walked us into a loud room. I don’t know what was going on because all I could hear was voices. So many voices…” I think that’s the end of the story because it feels like we’re driving in silence for a while before she starts again. “I was cut free from the girls and taken to a quiet room. I was alone for a while, then a man took off my blindfold and told me I was a gift for someone. He seemed nice, so even though I should have been terrified, I was a lot less scared than I had been. He took me on the most gorgeous plane I have ever seen. He let me take a shower and gave me one of the best meals I’ve ever tasted. Then he took me to Toben…” She shakes her head and whispers, “I should have been more scared.”
Neither of us respond, even though I feel like I should. I understand her and I know what she feels, it’s just that her captor is my best friend.
I wonder where Lex is driving, right as he says, “How would you feel if we drop you off at the hospital? We won’t be able to stay with you and I’m sorry about that. The staff there will help you contact your parents and make sure you’re healthy.”
She gives a sad smile. “Thank you. You two are my guardian angels. I’ll never forget this. What are your names, anyway?”
“If you don’t mind, I think it’s best if we remain nameless. I don’t want us connected to this, so if you really want to thank us, forget all about us.”
She nods her agreement as silence wraps itself around us.
I still don’t understand how or why Toben would ever want to do this. I look out the window as we drive back and try to go through all my memories. I try to see how I missed this. How I didn’t know what he was becoming. I don’t know if it scares me more that he isn’t who I thought he was, or that I know it doesn’t change how I feel about him. He will always be my Toben, my other half. We are half people.
We drop her off at the entrance of St. Macarius Medical Center and Lex’s fingers slip between mine as we drive back to Silas’.
I try to think of what in the world I’m going to say to Toben. What was the purpose of it all? Keeping these girls wasn’t something Logan forced on him. He wanted it. He chose to inflict the same pain on these girls that Logan caused us.
Lex’s cell phone rings and Silas’ name is lit up on the screen in front of me.
“Hey—”
“This kid is fucking overdosing! I’m taking him to the E.R.”
No screams on repeat in my brain as I shake my head. Silas is mistaken, I bet Toben just got super doped up.
“You cannot be serious with this shit.” Alexander’s eyes roll back as he lets out a harsh breath. “We’ll be there as soon as we can.” He hangs up and looks in the rear-view mirror. “It looks like we’re headed back to St. Macarius.”
Breathing becomes more difficult as I accept that Silas could be right. I clutch the door handle as my eyes fill up with tears. Choking on my prayers to let him be okay, I gasp and Lex grabs my hand. I can’t lose him, I need him. I’ll always need him. Why the heck would he take so much?
Lex is driving Silas’ fancy car so you’d think he’d be able to go a little faster. I let out a cry of relief when the lit-up sign of St. Macarius is visible. He pulls into a space on the main level parking garage. He doesn’t even have the car in park when I jump out, and sprint through the electronic doors. I scan for where I’m supposed to go, seeing someone at the front desk that might know where he is. I’m halfway there when I hear my name.
“Tavin! Over here.”
Silas waves at me and Lex runs up behind me, as I ask, “How is he?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know, I was never able to find a pulse. The doctors are working on him now.”
My legs feel like putty and Alexander’s arms are around me, unknowingly keeping me upright.
We can’t see him yet and I hate it. They ask if any of us are family, and I tell them I am his sister, but when I can’t prove it, they still won’t let me back. I hate sitting out here waiting when he’s all alone. He has to be okay. He has to. He can’t leave me. I rub my thumb over my tattoo and trace it up my scar. When I tried to kill myself, he did too. He always said if we go, it’s together.
I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here, but Sasha arrived a while ago with coffees, and Marie came in to oversee his care.
Alexander’s fingers are combing through my hair when I look up to see Marie walking over to us. She doesn’t look worried, if anything she looks relieved. My chest expands as I run up to her.
“Is he okay?”
“He’ll be fine. You can go see him now, if you want. He’s in room 312.”
Running as fast as I can, I push open the doors and sprint down the hall. As the numbers three-one-two come into my line of sight, I could almost cry. I burst through the open door and he’s sitting in bed drinking a Sprite. His eyes shift up and as soon as he sees me, his face is soft with a brightness that makes him look so different. He throws his legs off the bed and stands to hug me. “Hello, Love.”
I’m so happy and relieved he’s alright, that’s why I don’t understand why I still want to cry. “What were you thinking? Why did you take so much? If anything happened to you…”
He gives me such a soft, sweet smile and cups my face. “I know, and I’m so sorry. It was a selfish reaction done out of fear. I thought you wouldn’t love me anymore. I’ve done horrible things, Tav, but it doesn’t have to be the end, you know? I can still change. She said I can still make her proud.”
She? What’s he talking about? He’s never talked like this before. “What do you mean?”
He smiles so big and his happy eyes have a ring of wet around them.
“I saw her, Tav. I saw my mom. She told me she still loves me and she knows her little boy is still in here.” He taps his chest. “That I can still make amends for all the suffering I’ve caused.” He grabs my arms and looks so deeply into my eyes, I can feel it in my stomach, “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done and lied about. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but I don’t have to be the monster he made me. I can still choose to be me.” He has a light in him that’s never been there. Not even before Logan. The joy bursting from his skin makes me laugh even though it’s weak. “I know it sounds crazy, but for the first time, maybe ever, I feel peace. Real peace.”
> THE NIGHT HAS EXHAUSTED HER. She falls asleep before Silas drops us off at home and barely stays awake long enough for Marie to stitch up the cut on her arm.
The hospital wants to keep Toben overnight for observation. They said we can pick him up in the morning. I can’t fathom what she must be feeling, and honestly, I can’t imagine she’s really had the chance to catch her breath enough to process it.
Logan’s body needs to be found and identified while making sure there’s no connection between me, Tavin, or Toben. I get her put to bed with Blind Mag, and go for a drive. After a few miles, I feel it’s safe enough to pull into a gas station and use the pay phone. While I’m sure it’s already been done, I report the fire anonymously and hang up.
I slide into my front seat and it’s as though everything that’s happened the last few months, rains down like a monsoon and since I’m alone, I allow my grief to consume me, and I cry for her. I cry for everything that was stolen from them. Their childhood, their innocence, a normal fucking life. The things Toben did…I truly believe he never would have been able to conceive them had it not been for Logan.
Death was a gift for him. He didn’t get what he deserved, and I will make sure people know the kind of man he was. I can take the tapes in now. He isn’t around to hire the lawyers to lie for him.
This is really over. There’s nothing more he can do to them. Now what’s left is the long-term damage this could have on both of them. The whole thing with Toben’s ‘epiphany’ is odd, although I’ve always been a believer that faith can be a strong thing. If he truly believes that he spoke to his mother, then that could be enough to help him through this. He did almost die. There are tons of stories about people with near death experiences who have professed some type of spiritual calm or tranquility. I just hope at some point, Tavin finds hers.
Monday, July 13th
I take Tav for pancakes before heading back to the hospital to pick up Toben. I don’t know what’s going to happen with him. He has to suffer the consequences of his crimes. It’s the only chance he has at a decent life. While I’ll pull the strings I can to keep him out of prison, he definitely needs some type of rehabilitation program.
