by Charity B.
“Can I order a vanilla bean Frappuccino for Toben? It’s his favorite coffee.” I smile and nod at her to go ahead.
She gets her drinks in a carrier and gets a container to bring some pancakes to Toben. She holds them tight in her lap and anxiously fidgets in her seat until we arrive at St. Macarius. We walk through the spinning door and I try not to breathe in too deeply. I’ve never particularly liked the smell of hospitals or the way they make me feel. Too much sickness and loss in one building.
We take the elevator until it dings, telling us we’ve arrived on his floor. The second the doors open, she bursts down the hall with his drink in one hand and pancakes in the other. She comes to such an abrupt stop, I nearly run into her. She’s frozen cold, staring at something in front of her. As my eyes follow the direction of her gaze, they land on a man. It takes me a moment because he’s older and I’ve only seen him once on grainy film, but I recognize him.
Kyle.
He keeps walking and smiles at her as he passes by. Loud beeping blares and Tavin’s long hair spins around as she turns to Toben’s room. She drops the coffee and container of food as she runs through the open door of room 312.
“TOBEN!”
I hear her scream five seconds before I see the blood bath. It’s pooled in the sheets and on the floor. Tavin cries as she holds his body to her chest. “NO! Wake up! Please! You’re okay, you’re okay. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. You promised! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!” The nurses and doctors rush in as they try to pull her off of him. “No!” She grips his shirt and fights them with all she has.
My mind and my heart are fighting over staying with Tavin or chasing after Kyle when finally, they get her off of him and push her toward me. It takes all my strength to hold her against me and keep her out of the room. She screams and falls to the floor as if her legs have stopped working completely. I sit next to her and rock her against my chest. There was too much blood, I saw his face. He’s gone. No matter how good these doctors are, they won’t be able to bring him back. She wails against my chest as we watch the medical staff try to perform a miracle.
When the doctor walks out covered in blood, he shakes his head. “I’m sorry. There was nothing that could be done.”
Tavin pushes me away. “You’re a liar! You’re a fucking liar! He wouldn’t leave me!” She shoves past the doctor to go back into his room. She climbs up onto the bed and curls up on his chest. I walk in after her, watching her body shake and her tears mix with his blood.
The police arrive and I give them Kyle’s description. I’m not sure how helpful it will be without being able to mention his name or his connection to Logan.
The staff allows her as much time with him as they’re able, and when they can no longer leave the body in the room, it takes me and five orderlies to pull her away from him. Her agonizing wails cause physical pain in my chest. When is her suffering going to stop? When is life going to give her a fucking break?
I have to literally drag her outside kicking and screaming, while ignoring the alarmed looks I get. She falls asleep in the car and I don’t want her alone right now, so I drop her off with Sasha and Silas before making the drive to talk to Nikki.
I find her in the same position as when we left her. When she looks up and sees me, her face falls.
“I told you. I’m not leaving. I’m waiting for Toben.”
“Well, Toben is dead.”
Maybe I should have been gentler about it, broke it a little easier, I just truly don’t have the energy to make the effort.
Her eyes take on a sheen as she shakes her head. “I don’t believe you.”
“I’m sorry, he’s gone.” I reach into my pocket and hand her my card. “If you decide you need a place to stay, call me. You’re welcome to stay at my home.”
She takes the card and holds it to her chest for a moment before falling into the fetal position and crying. I stand there for as long as I can before I feel like a creep watching her. I leave her to be alone and I can hear her sobs all the way down the stairs.
Tuesday, July 21st
Cara Jo’s jaw is hanging open as I tell her the cliff notes version of what’s really been going on. She arrived back in town last night and called me as soon as she did. She had heard about Logan’s death on the news, while she was away. They have found the lockets and the tapes, which is what makes this such a story.
Rissa products are being boycotted everywhere and the name Logan James is now synonymous with pedophile, psychopath, and murderer.
To keep from involving myself, I paid some kid skateboarding outside the police station a hundred dollars to bring the tapes inside and make sure an officer took them. Ever since, the case has been all over the news. Logan’s wife and children have left Shadoebox, and Kyle must have skipped the country because he’s nowhere to be found. Even though they’re still investigating, the news story about searching Logan’s home has become all anyone seems to be talking about.
Twelve lockets were on display in a glass box in his office. Each one held the flesh of a different girl, their name, and dates engraved on the back.
I’m able to drink my coffee, though reading Tavin’s name among Nikki’s and the others, makes eating breakfast impossible.
Meagan West // 1986-1990
Kelly Mickey // 1990-1995
Ashley Evers // 1992-1997
Mia Jones // 1995-2000
Katie Grace // 1997-2002
Morgan Bishop // 2000-2004
Tavin Winters // 2002-
Nikki Thomas // 2004-
Courtney McLaughlin // 2007-2012
Brittany Myers // 2009-2014
Shea Andrews // 2012-
Faith Denman //2014-
Twelve little girls. He did this to twelve children, killing eight of them and leaving the other four with fucked up lives. The only two girls reported as missing were Nikki and Ashley Evers.
Nikki’s father was under the impression she had died years ago. Not having a death date on her locket changes that. I hear his plea on the news begging anyone who knows of her whereabouts to please come forward. I want to, I just know I can’t.
A few days ago, she showed up at Vulture. She doesn’t want to see her father, she told me the little girl he knew is dead. She isn’t anywhere near the same person. She’s scared, heartbroken, angry, and hates Tavin, but she has nowhere else to go.
Cara Jo shakes her head at the newscast playing on her little kitchen TV. “This is repulsive. I can’t keep listening to this. I’m going to take Nikki some breakfast. Hopefully she’ll eat it this time.”
Nikki refuses to leave her room except to go to the bathroom. I still haven’t told Tavin she’s here. I haven’t been able to have much of a conversation with Tavin at all.
I nod and as I stand to place my mug in the sink, the doorbell rings. Cara Jo’s hands are full with Nikki’s food so I wave her on.
“I got it.”
I pull open the front door and raise my eyebrows in disbelief. “You’ve got balls coming here, Timothy.”
His eyes are red and tired and he’s not much more put together than the last time I saw him. “Alex, please. Just let me say I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you’re sorry? Well, then no worries about drugging me, getting Tavin raped, and both of us almost killed. Water under the bridge.”
I go to slam the door in his face as he holds his hand out, choking on held-in sobs, as he tries to speak. “H—he raped her?”
Shutting the door behind me, I keep my voice as level as possible. “What the fuck did you think would happen? How did he do it? Was it money? Did he pay you to sell us out?”
His hand squeezes his forehead. “Fuck, no, of course not.” He takes in a breath and blinks at the sky before making eye contact. “It was Todd. He was going to kill him and I was told it wouldn’t be until after extensive torture. I didn’t know what to do. He just said he wanted her back. I thought once Todd was safe, I could help you save her. I… I don’t have an excuse. I j
ust wanted you to know I will never forgive myself for this, so if you don’t either, I understand.”
My feelings shift so quickly from anger to concern, I stutter out my response. “Todd was—is he okay?”
Timothy nods. “Minor bumps and bruises, and he’s been really stressed, but he’ll be alright.”
Shoving my hands in my pockets, I lean against the door frame. “That had to be a hard choice to make.”
He looks at me through hooded eyes. “You’re my friends, I would never want anything to happen to any of you. It’s just Todd, he’s—”
“You’re heart?”
He releases a sad laugh. “Yeah.”
I haven’t been able to get Tavin out of bed all week. I can’t get her to eat and can barely get her to talk to me, except when she begs me to let her escape the pain. All she does is sleep, cry, and sing songs from Toben’s lyric book. It was inside the box of things he saved from their house. She sleeps with those things.
I look at the time and it’s getting late. Toben’s funeral is in an hour and I need to make sure everything’s in order. If I don’t get Tavin out of the house to go, she’ll never forgive herself, or me.
Lightly tapping on her door, I slowly push it open. She’s standing in front of her mirror trying to put makeup on her wet face. Her hair is a tangled mess and she has on the black dress I bought her for today. Her hand is shaking terribly, and in her frustration, she throws the makeup bottle across the room.
“Shit!”
I go to her and wrap her in my arms, letting her cry against my chest before I take her hand and sit her in the chair in front of the mirror. A hairbrush and a few hair bands are on the dresser, so I pick them up and gather her hair in my hands. I brush as gently as I can and still get out the tangles.
“Will you talk to me?”
“Are you going to keep making me suffer?” she murmurs.
“Come on, that isn’t fair. You know how I feel. The drugs won’t take the pain away, they’ll only postpone it.”
I wrap the ties around her hair in a ponytail, leaving a few strands to frame her face.
“Then there isn’t anything to talk about.” She stands and takes her rag dolls off the bed. “Let’s go.”
I’m trying not to take this personally. I know she’s in a lot of pain and just lost the one person who could truly understand her in a way no one else ever could. I sigh and follow her downstairs.
She refused to have any type of religious officiant give the eulogy. She said Toben would have hated it. She and Christopher will each be speaking, and then there will be open time for anyone else who wants to talk.
Funeral homes and graveyards are different than any other places on earth. It’s as if there’s a veil of heavy sorrow you pass through. The feeling is so instant, it hits you like a fist in the chest.
I park the car, and even though I know we need to get inside, neither of us move.
“I’ll speak to the funeral director and make sure she understands the itinerary. If you want a chance to be alone with him, it’s now.”
She opens the door and walks inside without waiting for me. Even though I know it’s still her, I’m scared this will somehow change how she feels about me. What if all I do is remind her of what she lost?
Every step hurts. Every breath aches.
It’s freezing in here and I don’t care. I welcome it. Let me freeze. Let my skin turn to ice and break into a million little, bloody pieces. I know what’s behind this door. I know once I see him I can never deny it again. I can never hope that it’s only a bad dream or a terrible prank. I will never be able to smell him, or kiss him, or hear his voice singing his songs. Never again will I hear him call me Love.
I pull on the metal handle and the door is heavy. I see the box he will spend forever in, at the end of the room. Every time I put a foot in front of the other, I see further into the box. His face coming into view makes me weigh ten thousand pounds. I can’t move. I can’t see him like this, but if I don’t I’ll never see him again.
I take his hand and I long so terribly to feel him squeeze, that I cry out from the agony.
“You can’t be gone. Without you I am just a half person. Please, please. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never love anyone the same way I love you. I’m so sorry for everything. I am so sorry I hurt you. I know this is all my fault. Please forgive me, Tobe. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
I can’t fix this, I can’t do anything besides lay my head against his chest and hold my best friend for as long as I can.
There are so many people here and it makes me feel proud of him. All these people care about him and will miss him. Christopher is sitting next to me holding one hand while Alexander is holding my other. There are the friends we partied with, his old teachers and classmates. Silas, Sasha, and Marie are here, and I see a man that I’m pretty sure is Mr. Stride, one of Toben’s regular Clients. I look back to Cara Jo and she’s sitting next to Nikki.
Blink 182’s I Miss You plays while the pictures of our life together flash across a screen. I’m angry at Alexander for making me experience this. I know how to take it away and he won’t let me. It feels like I am dying and I hope that I am.
The music fades and Christopher makes his way to the front. He tells the story of how they first met in grade school and different stories of mischief they caused together. He says things I never knew about Toben. I’ve never seen Christopher cry before.
He holds out his hand and introduces me. Even though I haven’t ever spoken in front of so many people, I need them to know how amazing he was. I want people to see him the way I do. I take Christopher’s hand and stand behind a tall, skinny, wooden table.
“H—hi. I…uh. I’ve known Toben almost my whole life. When my parents starved and abused me, he fed me and loved me. No one had ever been nice to me and I certainly had never had a friend before. He taught me things and made me laugh. He made me excited to wake up in the morning. He protected me from my father and did so much more as we grew older. Our life was not what most people would understand. We went through a lot of bad stuff, and because I had him, I was able to survive it. Toben Michaels was my best friend, my protector, my family, and he was…” My voice breaks and I know I need to finish soon, “my Tobe…and I love him and miss him so much, and it hurts so bad.” Everyone is looking at me so I pull the piece of paper out of my pocket. “Toben has written songs and poems for as long as I’ve known him. There’s one that I would like to share with you.” Even though I don’t know the tune he put it to, I do my best.
I don’t know what will become of me.
All I know is, you’re my eternity.
On our souls, they fucking prey and feed.
Just don’t ever forget: when you bleed, I bleed.
You showed a wounded child what real love could be.
It’s only you that will ever set me free.
I taste your kiss and I smell you in my dreams.
It hurts so bad, like I’m ripping at the seams.
These words are my world, they are my spoken creed.
I can feel beneath your flesh, and when you bleed, I bleed.
Folding the paper up, I walk off the stage. I can’t be in this room any longer so I keep going until I walk out the back doors. I know we still need to bury him and I know I’m supposed to talk to a bunch of people, but I can’t. I just keep walking. I don’t know to where and it doesn’t matter. I least I don’t think it does until I end up at the beach. The first place we went together. Our favorite place. I pull off my shoes and dig my toes in the sand, before I lie down. I try to pick out shapes in the clouds like we used to, but I can’t see clearly through the tears. I don’t know what to do from here.
Half of me is dead.
Wednesday, August 19th
I should be working instead of reading every story I can find about Tavin and Nikki’s case. I really wish they would speak to each other. Nikki blames Tavin for Toben not saving her and not loving her
, and Tavin doesn’t know what to think about her.
I log out of my computer as my cell rings, and I see it’s Sasha. Since she’s the only one Nikki seems to be warming up to, I asked her to take Nikki to the doctor this afternoon for the stomach bug she’s had all week.
Standing up, I press the answer button. “Hey. How is Nikki?”
She sighs, “We have an issue.”
“Sash, I don’t need the suspense. Just tell me.”
“She’s pregnant.”
I drop my head back and groan as I lock my office door. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Yeah, I wish. She’s a mess. She doesn’t want to keep it.”
I hold out my hand to ask the woman in the elevator to keep the door open. “I can’t say that I blame her.” I keep my voice down as I push the button for the correct floor. “Try to keep this from Tavin until I get home. I don’t know how she’s going to react when she finds out.”
“She can’t keep going on like this. It’s been a month.”
“I know. I just don’t know how to help her.”
“I’m sorry, Alex. I don’t have any answers for you.”
“You have no idea how grateful I am for all your help through this whole mess. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
Hanging up, I pull up the map for the restaurant I’m looking for. About a month ago, I got the idea to see what I could find about Tavin’s mother’s family.
Tavin’s biological grandfather, Jeffrey Bellerose, passed away from cancer three years ago, though her grandmother, Margaret is still alive. They had two children. Lacie, of course, and Tavin Bellerose.
It may be overprotective and a little paranoid, but I’m not bringing anyone else into her life that I am not completely certain will have a positive impact, so I’ve been…observing before reaching out.
