Before I Go

by Leena Lehtolainen

I told the NBI agents about waking up to the sound of the newspaper boy’s scooter and then the car after it. I was furious: if I had gotten out of bed, I would have seen the bomb being placed, even though a professional would have masked his appearance. After taking down what information I could give, Muukkonen and Hakala disappeared, but the bomb squad continued their work. I would have liked to get to my computer at the station so that I could start compiling a list of suspects, but I didn’t want to leave until the bomb squad was done. Taskinen had promised to assign a couple of patrol officers to watch our house for the time being. I thought about what Antti had said. Did Iida’s day care need a guard? Salo was serving an eight-year prison term for drug trafficking and assault, and apparently additional charges didn’t matter much to him. Revenge was worth a life sentence to him.

  I played with Iida, but of course she could sense my worry and the tension of the bomb squad working in the yard, so she was having difficulty concentrating. Antti called just before noon and said that Einstein was in surgery. He had lost a lot of blood and one of his kidneys was damaged, but the veterinary surgeons were doing all they could to save him.

  Antti said he would stay until he knew if Einstein had a chance of pulling through.

  When word came that my car was clean, I decided to go to the station. First I fed Iida the rest of a macaroni casserole I’d found in the refrigerator. I still wasn’t hungry.

  “Now Iida gets to go to work with Mommy,” I said.

  “Iida go work!” she exclaimed. “Pekka play with Iida!” Koivu was Iida’s godfather and her idol. He tried to conceal how much pleasure Iida’s adoring gaze gave him, but I saw through him. I had watched in amazement at the way she pranced around him. Who had taught my two-year-old daughter how to flirt?

  My gun was in the living room closet, on the top shelf, in a locked case. I took it out, loaded it, and grabbed an extra magazine. The shoulder holster disappeared under my jacket, but I was all too aware of its presence. A bulletproof vest and helmet would have been useful, but I didn’t have either at home. The bomb squad stayed to finish their investigation. I left for work on high alert, constantly scanning our surroundings as I drove. Those few miles felt like they would never end.

  In the lobby at the police station, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. News spread fast. Iida wanted to stay downstairs and look at the department’s giant stuffed-octopus mascot, but I dragged her past it to the elevator. There we were safe.

  Koivu stood in the break room, and when he saw us he instantly rushed over to give me a hug.

  “Hi, Iida. Are you our new recruit?” he said and gave my daughter one of the sticky oatmeal cookies that someone always bought, even though no one but Lähde liked them.

  “Einstein has a boo-boo. Daddy took him to the hospital,” Iida said, and Koivu cast me a questioning glance.

  I shrugged. Antti had promised to call as soon as he knew more.

  “The NBI guys are already grilling Salo. We’ll have to see if he confesses.”

  “Was the bomb meant to kill?” Koivu asked.

  “The bomb squad hasn’t issued a statement yet.” The explosion had been directed upward, so it probably would have mutilated the hands and face of whoever approached the mailbox. The bomb squad would probably be able to get a good idea of its construction and the skill of the bomb maker.

  “I actually came in to look at my list of Salo’s cronies. I know Jarkola has worked for him,” I said as I poured myself a cup of coffee. It had been sitting for a long time and hit my empty stomach like a shot of whiskey.

  “Could Seppälä’s murder be tied to Salo after all?” Koivu asked. “What if he set the bomb to throw you off that trail?”

  “I don’t know. Let’s think about that later. Guess where I was last night?” I told Koivu about my karaoke performance at Café Escale and was grateful when he laughed. I had brought a few picture books, and he promised to keep Iida entertained in the break room while I worked on the computer. Maybe it was misuse of police resources, but Koivu didn’t seem to mind. Before going to my office, I went to the equipment room and checked out two bulletproof vests. Unfortunately they didn’t have any in a child’s size. After a second’s thought, I also took a helmet.

  We had plenty of information on Salo’s gang, which I e-mailed to Agent Muukkonen. Staying out of the investigation was going to be difficult but necessary. Just as I was running through the criminal records of the torpedoes Salo used, Taskinen appeared in my office.

  “I saw you and Iida through the window. I was in a meeting with the chief of police. You should have stayed home.”

  “I think it’s safer here. Just think, Jyrki. I heard a car early this morning, but I didn’t get up to look. I might have been able to get the license plate . . .”

  “The chief and I will handle it. We’re coordinating with the NBI.”

  “Good, but I want to see all the interview records as soon as possible. I have to know who to be on the lookout for.”

  “Have you thought about taking some time off? What if you and Iida went on a little trip for a while? Maybe to your parents’ house or a spa or something,” Taskinen said, but I didn’t like his concerned expression. He wasn’t worried about my safety or my family. There was something else.

  I didn’t get a chance to answer before the phone rang. It was Antti. Einstein had made it through the operation, but his condition was serious. He would probably survive, but he would have to be in the hospital for several days.

  Tears of relief flooded my eyes. Antti said he was going to go in to work for a little while.

  “This will be front-page news. Keep Iida away from any cameras,” he said bitterly before hanging up. It felt so unfair that he was angry at me, but at the same time it increased my own feelings of self-loathing. How many times had I told a victim of a rape or domestic violence that the only person responsible for the crime was the perpetrator? It was hard to believe it when it happened to you.

  Agents Muukkonen and Hakala would be turning the screws on Salo again. Law enforcement treated nothing so seriously as violence against their own. But even if they solved this case, it wouldn’t guarantee that the threats or violence would stop.

  “I don’t have any intention of taking time off. I won’t give Salo the satisfaction. Let’s see what the NBI says,” I told Taskinen calmly, though I felt uncomfortable. Maybe Antti and Iida should move somewhere else for a while. The thought that I might have to be separated from them was upsetting, but what choice did we have?

  “Maria, come on. You don’t have to play the tough guy just because you’re a woman,” Taskinen said seriously. “Just think about it.”

  I didn’t promise anything. I took my laptop and a modem with me so I could work from home if I could get Iida to sleep. When I went back to the break room, I found Wang there with Koivu. Iida had no desire to leave, even though her eyelids were drooping. She fell asleep before the first stoplight, and I realized that I was ravenously hungry. The drop in blood sugar was making my hands shake so hard I could barely drive home, but hunger was a good sign. My body was starting to recover from the shock.

  A forensic van was still parked in our yard next to the exploded mailbox. Men were taking pictures of tire tracks and collecting scraps of newspaper from under the trees. Iida mumbled in her sleep as I carried her inside, took off her shoes and coat, and tucked her into bed. Her cheeks were flushed from the warmth in the car and her breathing was steady. I wished I could protect her from all the evil in the world. How would I bear it if anything happened to her?

  I had met women who had lost their children, even women who had killed their own children. Frequently I worried the next inconsolable mother would be me.

  I ate a couple of sandwiches and drank a glass of buttermilk. Having a team of police officers combing the yard provided a false sense of security. I couldn’t surround Iida or myself with guards forever. There would always be new Salos, new toes I had stepped on, new people who hated me for doing m
y job.

  I plugged the computer in, attached the modem, and turned it on. The whole time I waited to hear racing footsteps, and a couple times I thought I saw a flash, but it was only a phantom image burned into the synapses of my brain.

  When the phone rang, I practically attacked it. It was Agent Muukkonen asking for my e-mail address.

  “You probably want to know what we talked about with Salo. I’ll send the report as soon as I get back to the office.”

  “Thanks!” I said, not mentioning that Taskinen wanted to keep the investigation in his own hands. “Did Salo confess?”

  “He didn’t admit or deny anything. It’ll make a fun read. We’re going to keep at it. Take care of yourself, Kallio.”

  I went downstairs and put some coffee on. In the freezer I found the sweet cardamom rolls Iida had made on a recent rainy day. She loved to make smiley faces on the rolls with raisin mouths and eyes. I didn’t like baked raisins, but of course I ate whatever my daughter made.

  There were also cookies in the cupboard. Once I had everything prepared, I invited the forensics team in for coffee. Andersson from Patrol brought our mail, which the confused postal worker had only agreed to hand over once she saw that nothing but a concrete base remained of the mailbox. There wasn’t much. A Green Party newsletter for Antti, a day-care bill for me, and a card for Iida from her grandparents in Tartu, Estonia.

  “This thing was quite a contraption. A child could have slapped it together,” the bomb expert said. “The cat was low enough to the ground that it didn’t get completely torn to shreds, but for an adult human this bomb would have been really dangerous. It wouldn’t necessarily have killed anyone, but it would have at least left you blind.”

  Andersson grimaced and sank his teeth into a pulla roll. Suddenly a completely unrelated thought popped into my mind: if we bought a security system for our yard, I would have a reason to contact Reijo Rahnasto. His company specialized in business security, but I could ask for consulting help based on our previous relationship. Would that be inappropriate? Or should we just find a new apartment and keep the address secret?

  Iida came padding down the stairs, half asleep. At first she played shy around all the strange men. But after a pulla and a glass of milk, she turned on the charm and made the entire room forget their work. When the forensic team finally went back out, I sat Iida down to watch Moomin videos and went to check my e-mail. The interview record Agent Muukkonen promised had come.

  Agent Hakala was a good clerk, and I could almost hear Salo’s voice behind the words. Niko Salo was thirty and short, with a strong physique and expressionless eyes the color of April snow. He had the nose of a boxer and predatory lips, and his hair was usually short and dyed black. The last time I saw him he’d also had black sideburns and a goatee. He dressed fashionably and seemed to have gotten his mannerisms straight out of a Tarantino movie. Without the gold chain hanging around his neck he could have been a rock musician or a literature student. Alibi magazine had run an article about Salo’s achievements a few years back, describing him as a man feared by criminals and police alike. Salo boasted of receiving an average of two marriage proposals per week in prison. If he became a cop killer, that number would only grow.

  Agent Muukkonen had been obliged to reveal his reason for the interview: Salo was suspected of involvement in a bombing in Espoo.

  “In Espoo? Hey, man, I was in prison all night. How would I have gotten to Espoo?”

  Salo admitted threatening to kill me after his trial. When Muukkonen asked how he intended to carry out that threat, Salo clammed up.

  “Hey, man, why would I tell? I want to keep that cop whore on her toes.”

  Salo didn’t admit or deny anything. He threatened to sic his lawyer on Muukkonen when the agent announced he was requesting a warrant to access Salo’s phone records from prison. That wouldn’t necessarily help, though. Salo probably had several SIM cards he could interchange in his cell phone. He had only given the prison officials the number he used for his most innocent calls. SIM cards were so small they were easy to smuggle into prison. When the legal owner canceled the line, they would just steal another phone.

  “So you’re telling me that Kallio bitch got a bomb set off in her front yard? What does that have to do with me?”

  As the interrogation progressed, Agent Muukkonen’s questioning became increasingly unproductive. Sometimes Salo played completely ignorant. I knew he was a good actor and that he didn’t want to serve more time. And Salo wasn’t the type to rat on anyone. If his bomber was ever caught, that man would request a different prison or the secure section in Sörnäinen so Salo couldn’t take revenge on him for his failure.

  The interrogation yielded nothing of value, even though Muukkonen and Hakala had done their best to provoke Salo. It wasn’t any use. Salo was too smart for that. Next the NBI would interview all of the explosives experts in the metro area who weren’t currently in prison. The last line of the e-mail infuriated me.

  Laine from your Organized Crime and Recidivism Unit called. He offered to help however he could. He seemed really concerned about your well-being.

  Right, Laine wants to find the bomb maker so he can tell him to try again, I thought angrily. Just then the door opened, and although I knew it couldn’t be anyone but Antti, I ran downstairs to make sure Iida was safe.

  Antti’s pants were still covered in dried blood. He had been walking around the city all day with those stinking stains on his jeans.

  “How long are they going to be here?” he asked, motioning to the uniformed officers outside.

  “At least until tomorrow night. We’ll have to think about what to do after that. The cabin in Inkoo is empty until Monday. Maybe you and Iida should go there for the weekend.”

  Antti drained a glass of water and then started absentmindedly unzipping his jeans.

  “Has the animal hospital called? They promised to as soon as there was any news.”

  “No. Here, let me help,” I said quietly and started pulling Antti’s pants off his legs. Iida was still engrossed in her video, and dinner could wait. Maybe we should celebrate that we were still alive.

  “Come upstairs and we’ll put these in the wash together,” I suggested. I pulled Antti’s arms around me, but when he felt my shoulder holster and the metal protruding from it, he kissed me on the cheek and said,

  “Not now, Maria.”

  I realized I had forgotten to take my birth control pill that morning. Usually I had it with my coffee. Missing one wasn’t going to make me instantly pregnant, but I should probably take it right now anyway. Because sex obviously wasn’t on the menu, I started making dinner. I could hear Antti banging around upstairs as I made fish balls and grated horseradish for the sauce. Everything was so homey and peaceful, but it was strange not having a cat head-butting me to demand fish.

  The animal hospital called and said that Einstein’s condition was stable. He had a strong heart for his age, so the prognosis was cautiously optimistic.

  “Agent Muukkonen also wants to interview you,” I told Antti once I had the fish balls in the oven and the potatoes were boiling.

  “Me? Why?”

  “You’re one of the victims.”

  “Have they found anything out?

  When I shook my head, Antti cringed and suggested that we pack after eating. He said that going to Inkoo seemed like a good idea, but he wanted me to come too.

  “I have to stay here to buy a new mailbox,” I said jokingly, but of course I would be happy to go. I had removed my gun while I was cooking, but I put the shoulder holster back on after I was done. When I showed Antti the bulletproof vests, he sighed.

  “I never would have thought I’d have to wear one of those.”

  I knew many men would have enjoyed this situation, men who would’ve stayed up all night clutching a gun and guarding their family from the bad guys of the world. Those were the men who kept outdoor-adventure services in business and played army out in the woods every weeke
nd. In the fall they got their taste of danger during the moose hunt, and on Sundays they clutched the edges of their seats watching Formula 1 or screaming in the stands at the hockey arena. Those men needed exciting experiences, like the adult version of games of cowboys and Indians, but the kind where they could take a candy break whenever they wanted.

  What would my grandfather, who had died in the war, have said to them?

  I didn’t wear the bulletproof vest to the grocery store, and no one followed us on our drive to Inkoo or on our walk down the narrow lane to Antti’s parents’ cabin. Only terns were waiting on the rocks along the shore. The open sea glinted in the setting sun, and even though the water was still frigid, it held the promise of outings on the sailboat and long, refreshing swims. Antti planned to help his father put the boat back in the water the next weekend. Next Sunday we could take a little boat trip, but on Saturday I would have to be at the Police Expo.

  The weekend went by peacefully. We foraged for morels and young nettles, and we talked about our dream house on the water, with a new kitten to keep Einstein company. The birds kept up their racket from dawn until dusk, and Sunday brought the first swallows. Even though I slept with my pistol on the nightstand, I rested well. Our answering machine was full when we got home. One call was from my sister Helena, who wanted to make sure I was alright, and another was from the animal hospital. Einstein was conscious and had stood up. The danger had passed.

  I was so overjoyed by that news I could barely stop to listen to the final message:

  Hi, it’s Eila Honkavuori. I’m sorry to bother you with work on a Sunday, but I’ve been making some inquiries and I think something is starting to take shape. Could you call me as soon as possible?

  18

  The grass around the Helsinki University of Technology shone green, with tidy lines of tulips and daffodils dividing the lawns. A few rose hips from the previous year still hung on their bushes.

  I sat in Eila Honkavuori’s office. I had arranged the appointment immediately after our long Monday morning meeting. I hadn’t told anyone I was continuing the Ilveskivi investigation on my own. The sunlight had started to feel like it was playing interrogation with me, so I kept my glasses on.