Surrounded by Darkness

by Rachel Dylan

  “Why would you think that?”

  “You don’t have to say it. I see it on your face. You want a man who isn’t me right now. That’s why I need this time to try to pull myself back together.”

  She sighed. “I’m scared once we take a break, you’ll never come back.”

  Seeing the fear in her eyes slayed him. “That’s not my intention.”

  “Even if it isn’t, I’m afraid it will be the result.”

  He hadn’t seen Olivia this hurt before, and once again, it bothered him that he was the cause of it. “See, I’m making you unhappy right now.”

  “Because you’re not thinking straight, and I don’t want to throw away everything we have. I never thought you would either.”

  How could he ever make her see what he was going through? “Olivia, you don’t understand what’s going on in my head. You can’t because you’re not like me.”

  “Try me,” she pled with him. “I want to help.”

  “I know you do, but I wonder if I’m past the point of help.”

  Her eyes widened. “You can’t really believe that. Not after everything we’ve lived through and shared in Windy Ridge. God is bigger than our problems. Bigger than our pain and doubt.”

  Grant shook his head. “I want to rely on God, but I feel like this is more about me. My problems. My inability to make you happy. To provide for you. All of that is in question right now. Everything.” His voice started to crack. “I don’t want to say something stupid to you because you’re not the target of my anger.” He stood up. “I think it’s probably best that I go home.”

  Olivia followed him as he walked toward the door. Before he could open it, she grabbed onto him and pulled him into a fierce hug, but she didn’t say another word.

  He held onto her, wondering why he was going so crazy. Why he would ever think of leaving her. But that’s exactly what he did.

  Chapter Six

  Olivia brushed the hot tears out of her eyes. She had to find a way to compartmentalize. Last night had been awful. Grant had basically broken her heart, and she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why he was trying so hard to push her away.

  She’d called Dan and asked him to reach out to Grant to see if he could figure out what was really eating at him. Unlike Grant’s suggestion, she would never view Dan in a romantic way, but he was one of her most trusted friends and a spiritual mentor for her.

  Lord, what is going on here?

  She thought she and Grant were rock solid—moving toward a proposal, even. Boy, had she been wrong. It made her question whether she’d been misreading her relationship for months. Did Grant not love her in the same way she loved him?

  Taking a deep breath, she prayed she’d be able to put her own issues aside and focus on the very important work to come. She was driving to the office space that BCR had rented in Windy Ridge for her to run the clinic.

  As she heard her GPS tell her that she was almost there, a sick chill went down her spine. She looked at the GPS screen and groaned loudly. BCR had been in charge of finding the office space and had handled that without her input.

  The rental space was in the same sprawling complex as Optimism. There were multiple businesses on that block, but she hated being so close to Optimism. She couldn’t let that deter her right now because there was legal work to take care of.

  BCR had placed the signage outside. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was enough to indicate that it was a legal clinic.

  A few minutes later, she was inside the office where the clinic would be housed. It wasn’t that large, but it would suit her needs. There was a reception lounge area and two private offices. Lord, please let me touch the lives of women here and do your work.

  Olivia would be working with a local law student named Jess Haven who would be completing an externship at the clinic. The pro bono committee had done the screening and interviewing, so today would be her first time meeting the student, and she was looking forward to it. The plan was to get everything ready with Jess today and then officially start seeing clients tomorrow.

  It wasn’t long before she heard a knock on the main door. It opened, revealing a tall, fresh-faced Jess Haven. She wore her black hair pulled back in a low ponytail. She smiled when she saw Olivia.

  “You must be Olivia Murray.” Jess walked over to her with outstretched hand.

  “Jess, it’s nice to meet you in person.” They’d exchanged some emails about their game plan. “I’m glad to have you here.”

  Jess’s dark eyes glistened with excitement. “I’m excited about this job. It’s more than a job to me.”

  “Your application and essay were very impressive. The committee raved about you, so I’m looking forward to you being part of the team. A very small team.” Olivia laughed.

  “This is my heart’s work. Just so we have it out on the table, I’m a victim of domestic violence. Twice in my life, actually—my father and my college boyfriend.”

  Olivia’s heart ached for Jess. She reached out and placed her hand on Jess’s shoulder. “You’re in the right place.”

  Jess nodded vigorously. “Where do we start?”

  They took a few minutes and talked about the setup of the office and some general ideas before they went into what would be Olivia’s office to chat.

  Olivia took a seat behind the desk and pulled a file out of her bag. “We’ve already got appointments set up for tomorrow. Since you’re still in law school, I do have to supervise you closely, especially at first, but I want you to take an active role here. We’ll do the intake interviews together, for now, since we have the time to do it.”

  “That makes sense to me. I realize I’m still in school, but I think I can add a lot of value because I know what it’s like to have lived through it.” Jess paused. “I know it’s really personal and you can say you aren’t comfortable answering, but is that why you’re doing this too?”

  “Thankfully, I have never experienced domestic violence first-hand, but I’ve had friends who have. Also, since we’re being open here, I’m a person of faith, and for me, this type of work is important because of that.”

  Jess’s eyes widened. “That actually surprises me.”

  “My faith?”

  Jess straightened in her chair. “Yes. I get the impression that most highly educated women like you these days don’t adhere to patriarchal religions.”

  Olivia smiled at Jess’s comment.

  Jess cocked her head to the side. “I’m sorry. I think I just insulted you, but now I’m confused because you’re smiling.”

  “You’re not the first to say something like that, and I don’t take offense. I’m very comfortable in my beliefs, and I’m even comfortable when people question me about them.”

  “Maybe we’ll have a good debate one day then. And I probably should’ve kept my mouth shut since you’re my boss, but you’ll come to find out that I speak my mind freely.”

  This was off to a bit of a rocky start. “I’d rather you speak your mind than be fake, so I think we’ll get along fine. Our purpose here is to provide legal assistance to these women.”

  “You’ve got that right. Should we start taking a look at the list for tomorrow?”

  “Yes.” As they got to work, Olivia wondered how this was going to work with Jess. Olivia wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

  Grant heard the knock on his office door and looked up to find Pastor Dan in the doorway. “Dan, is everything all right?”

  Dan walked into his office and shook his hand. “Yes, I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I’d stop in.”

  As he heard the words come out of Dan’s mouth he realized why Dan was there. “Olivia called you, didn’t she?”

  Dan grinned sheepishly. “She did. I have to admit it.” Dan took a seat across from him.

  Grant should’ve known, but wasn’t that exactly why she would be better off with a man like Dan, or Dan himself? They were already so close. “I don’t know what she told you, but it’s
very complicated.”

  “You realize I’m a pastor that does all sorts of complicated counseling every single day. I’ve heard it all.”

  It still felt strange to him. “Yeah, I know that, but it’s different. You’re way too close to this. You and Olivia are practically best friends.”

  Dan frowned. “Grant, this whole thing isn’t about my friendship with Olivia, is it? Because I can guarantee you that is all it is and will ever be. Nothing more.”

  “Funny because she said the same thing to me.”

  “And you don’t believe her or me?”

  “I think the two of you don’t think it’s the right match, but from the outside it’s obvious.”

  Dan placed his head in his hands before looking back up. “Oh, Grant. How can I make you understand? I’ve already been married to the love of my life. I lost her far too soon. I’m not looking for love again right now because I’m still in love with my wife and grieving over her loss. And even if I were, Olivia isn’t that woman for me. I fear that you’re putting up roadblocks because you’re afraid of the type of love Olivia is willing to give you and the commitment that she will rightfully expect from you.”

  Grant’s frustration started to boil up inside of him. “I don’t need to be lectured at right now. Can’t you see that I’m trying to do the right thing by Olivia? This isn’t about me. It’s about her.”

  “Actually, I do think you need some tough love. I’m your friend and pastor, and I’m trying to help you through this, but you have to want to get help. Yes, you’re facing some tough personal and business issues, but haven’t we all?”

  Grant felt a bit like an idiot given what had happened to Dan. “I know that. It’s not lost on me that you were jailed for something you didn’t even do. Rationally, I know you want to help, but in my own messed-up, dark place of a mind, none of that matters. I can’t process everything. I barely want to get up in the morning. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing,” he croaked.

  Dan sat silently for a moment. The sound of the box fan was the only one that filled the air. “Where are you at with God right now?”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  And he did know. “I don’t feel like God is paying much attention to me, so I guess I haven’t been paying that much attention to him. Work has been busy, and it’s one string of bad things after another.”

  Dan cleared his throat. “I’m not saying all your problems are the result of where you’re at spiritually, but given everything that has happened ever since you represented Optimism and then you becoming a believer, you’ve been through a lot. And if you’re not continuing to grow in your faith and putting in the time and effort it takes, I fear you’re an easy target.”

  “You make me sound like a sitting duck.”

  “Don’t you feel like one?” Dan asked.

  And he did. That was the thing. Dan was right—again. “So, what’s your suggestion?”

  “I think you have to seriously go back to where you were months ago when you had that hunger to know more about God. The man I see in front of me today is depressed and defeated. God does not want you to feel that way. I’m also going to suggest that we actually do formal counseling sessions. If you’re not comfortable with me, then we can find you someone else. And if that doesn’t work, then I’m going to highly recommend you talk to a medical professional. Prayer solves a lot, but God doesn’t turn a blind eye to medical care. Both physical and mental. You’re neglecting yourself on every front, and it’s beginning to show.”

  Dan spoke the truth. Each sentence out of his mouth was spot on, but that didn’t make Grant feel better about it. “And what about Olivia? What about my relationship with her?”

  “I can’t give you an answer on that. My advice as a friend to both of you is that you shouldn’t do anything without thinking about it—and more importantly, praying about it. You running away from her isn’t going to solve your problems. That much I can promise you.”

  “She could do so much better. You have to see that. You won’t offend me by stating the obvious because I feel it every day.” Saying the words made the situation seem even more dark.

  “Is that what this is about? That you don’t think you deserve her?”

  “I don’t, Dan. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known in my life, and look at me.” He threw up his hands. “I’m a mess both inside and out right now. I could lose my law license. I could lose my savings. I could lose it all.”

  Dan shook his head. “No, because those things aren’t everything. Remember that. I know you’ve worked hard to build up your law practice, and you are entitled to be upset about it, but Olivia isn’t measuring you as a man because you have a successful law practice. Can’t you see that she loves you no matter what? She’s all in, man.”

  “And that scares me to death.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the last thing in this world I’d ever want is to hurt her or let her down, and I feel like I’m doing both.” A feeling of complete helplessness washed over him.

  Dan got out of his seat and walked around to his side of the desk. “Stand up.”

  Grant did as he instructed.

  “Let’s take a walk. It’s a gorgeous day.”

  “All right.” Grant wasn’t sure that a walk was going to solve anything, but it felt good to move and get some fresh air.

  A few minutes later they were out of the building.

  “Hear me out,” Dan said.

  “I’m listening.”

  Dan looked over at him as they continued to walk. “I honestly think you have multiple things going on right now. You are dealing with a tremendously stressful situation with your career, and that would put even the strongest man on edge.”

  “I agree with you so far. It’s very stressful. I’m having trouble sleeping, and then I’m exhausted when I’m at work. It makes me irritable and cranky.”

  “Yes. I completely agree with all of that, but I’m feeling there is more at stake here with you. Have you thought about going back to your old ways?”

  How could Dan possibly know what he was thinking? He blew out a breath. “Not seriously, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. I know you must think I’m crazy given all the things I’ve experienced and even seen with my own eyes. But my life before was much simpler. When I didn’t believe that anything existed beyond this world and the here and now, I had it easier. Ever since my eyes were opened, things have only gotten harder. Some days, I don’t know if it’s worth it.” There, he said it. He could’ve never said that to Olivia because he feared it would crush her. But he couldn’t hold it in any longer, and he felt like he had a safe space in Dan.

  Dan placed his hand on Grant’s shoulder. “You’re not telling me anything I hadn’t already figured out, Grant. And your fears are leading you to an even worse place—one where you’re not putting on the whole armor of God. One where you are left more vulnerable.”

  “You really think there’s a spiritual component to my problems?” Grant asked.

  “I do. I think it’s compounding an already bad situation. The devil will use these cracks in our armor as opportunities, and if he senses our fear and desperation, he will pounce. Remember, the verse, ‘Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.’ It’s real Grant. You have said so yourself. Don’t turn a blind eye to it now. You need to face all of this down and fight, but to do that, you need to be better equipped.”

  “I guess,” Grant mumbled.

  “You have to want this, Grant. I can’t do it for you. I can’t build your faith.”

  “I know.” He didn’t know what he was doing here. He wanted to crawl into a hole.

  “Why did you stop coming to men’s bible study?” Dan asked.

  “I’ve been busy.” Grant knew it sounded like a lousy excuse.

  “You’re always busy and you used to come,�
� Dan said.

  “True.”

  “Okay, so let’s make that a first step. Also, I think you should go see your medical doctor. Tell him how you’re feeling.”

  Grant shook his head. “He’ll think I’m crazy and send me to a shrink. I don’t want that.”

  “You can’t do this alone.”

  “I have you, don’t I?”

  Dan smiled. “Of course you do, but I’m not a medical doctor. If you truly are clinically depressed, you need to see someone. I’ll do my part and then some, but we need to focus on the whole you.”

  “I’ll think about it.” Grant wasn’t willing to commit right now.

  “Before you go back, I want to pray with you. How does that sound?”

  “That I can handle.” He needed all the help he could get.

  Ben and Micah looked down on Grant and Dan as they walked back to the office.

  Othan and two of his demon companions were lurking around the entrance to Grant’s office.

  Ben drew his sword. “We have to do something to keep them away. Grant may break if we allow them to have their way here.”

  “Do you want to pick a fight here and now?” Micah asked. “We’d be outnumbered in a matter of minutes.”

  “Yes, but we’re stronger because we have God on our side.”

  “Let’s wait a minute and see what happens.” Micah could fight if need be and he wasn’t afraid, but he wondered if this was the right time.

  As Dan and Grant got closer, the demons started to twitch. Dan’s presence was causing them some concern. “They don’t like Dan being around,” Ben said.

  The closer Dan got to the office, the demons started to vanish one by one. But Othan didn’t budge.

  As Dan was telling Grant good-bye by the front entrance, Othan looked over his shoulder and scowled. Then he flew over to where Micah and Ben were hovering.

  “I see that the two of you are a bit concerned about your little fledging pup, huh?”