Undead and Unemployed

by Mary Janice Davidson

  "You bet! I can only work nights, anyway."

  "Well, then."

  Before I could kiss him on the mouth, Mr. Mason had walked me over to Human Resources and gotten me my paperwork. I was a little worried at first—I had died three months ago, after all. Would my social security number work?

  It did. Thank you, government backlog!

  The paperwork finished, Mr. Mason handed me my name tag and bid me good night.

  Betsy Taylor, it said.

  Macy’s, it said.

  BetsyTaylorMacy’s. Wow. Oh, just … wow. Really totally wow.

  Outside the store, I did a little skip step of joy … and nearly sailed over a car by mistake. I probably could have pulled that off even if I hadn’t been dead.

  Wow! Me, working for Macy’s! That was like a fox working for a chicken farm. It just didn’t get any better.

  Chapter 3

  I hurried home to Apple Valley to tell Jessica all about my new job. But the unbelievable stench assailed me on my front step, and I almost couldn’t make myself go inside.

  I fidgeted on the front step for a minute, debating, and finally told myself, well, you defeated the most evil vampire on the planet just a couple of months ago, so you can do this, too.

  I opened my front door and followed my nose to the bathroom, where my best friend was lurched over the toilet.

  "Still have the flu?" I asked sympathetically.

  "No stupid questions from vampires," she groaned. She retched again. I observed she’d had chicken soup and toast for lunch. "Use your super strength to pull my head off my shoulders, please."

  "For crying out loud, Jess, how long you been in here?"

  "What day is it?"

  I noticed that she hadn’t had time to turn on the bathroom light in her headlong gallop, and had initially missed the toilet. Oh, well. The wall needed re-painting, anyway.

  When she was finished scatter-puking, I picked her up like a big doll and carried her to the guest bed. Before I’d become a vampire, there was no way I could have done this. Jessica was a few inches shorter than me, and about as pudgy as a stop sign, but she was gangly and hard to move around. Now, of course, it was cake.

  I brought her a glass of 7-Up and a wet washcloth. She cleaned herself up as best she could, and then I picked her up and ran back into the bathroom so she could throw up the soda.

  "Maybe it’s time to go to a hospital," I said nervously. She’d been barfing for two days.

  "Marc can give me a shot when he gets home," she said. She sounded hollow, because her head was all the way inside the toilet bowl. Luckily, she’d gotten her hair cut last week.

  Marc was my roommate, a resident at the Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis. He’d moved in the week I woke up dead. Jessica had a gorgeous, chic little seven-room place in Edina, but she spent most of her time at my place.

  "Is there a reason you’re being sick here," I asked, "instead of at your place?"

  "You don’t know how lucky you are," she replied, ignoring my question, "being dead and all."

  "Right now I agree with you. Hey, guess what? I got a job."

  "That’s nice." She looked up at me. Her brown eyes were sunken. She’d looked better on the day of her parents’ funeral. "Why are you just standing there? Why aren’t you killing me?"

  "Er, sorry." I took a breath through my mouth. Luckily I only had to do that about twice an hour. "You know, this sort of reminds me of your twenty-first birthday. Remember?"

  "The night is"—she hurped-hurped for a second, then continued—"a blur."

  "Well, you were mixing crème de menthe with vermouth, and then you started with Jack Daniels and tequila. I tried to get you to slow down, and you told me to shut up and get you a Zima with a bourbon chaser. Then—"

  "Stop!"

  "Sorry." Yeah, not the brightest move. But that was the last time she’d been this sick. "If you were a guy, or gay, I could hypnotize you into passing out. I guess I could try hitting you over the head with something …"

  "Just help me back to bed, dead girl."

  I did. I was ready to hurp-hurp myself, and wanted to go back to Macy’s in the worst way.

  Instead, I tucked Jessica back in—she dozed off while I was pulling the blankets up to her chin—and left her to start cleaning.

  I found some clothespins in the kitchen junk drawer. Don’t ask me why—I didn’t have a clothesline. Junk drawers are a miracle in themselves. The stuff that turns up in them—why were there coupons for free bird seed? I didn’t have a bird.

  I found with the clothespin over my nose, and Playtex rubber gloves on my hands, and by thinking about the spring line of Ferragamos, I could scrub the bathroom without yarking up the blood I’d drank about three hours ago. My donor had been an amiable car thief who’d been fumbling with the steering column of a Pontiac Firebird when I found him. After I’d taken what I needed, I called him a cab. It was bad enough I was a lamprey on legs; I wasn’t going to be an accessory to grand larceny.

  I was rinsing the mop in the toilet when I heard a knock. I hurried to the living room and opened the door before Jessica could wake up.

  Tina stood there, looking all big-eyed and hopeful. She took one look at my ensemble and slapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the giggles.

  "Get lost," I suggested. I still wasn’t speaking to her. Thanks to her, and Sinclair, I was the queen of the undead. A small fact they’d hidden until after Sinclair and I had made love. There could be no forgiveness!

  "Please can’t I come in, Majesty?" she asked, lips twitching madly.

  "No. And don’t call me that." Still, I stood there with the door open. I’d liked Tina the moment I met her. Of course, whenever someone saves my life on first acquaintance, I tend to feel warm toward them.

  And except for her unwavering loyalty to Sinclair, which made her do the most annoying things (see above: the whole queen of the vampires thing), she was pretty cool. Old—something like a hundred and some years—but cool. She didn’t act or talk like an old lady, though she could be stiff sometimes. And she looked like a Glamour cover girl with her long blond hair, high cheekbones, and pansy eyes, so dark and enormous they seemed to take up half her face.

  "What on earth are you doing? And what is that stench?"

  "Cleaning up," I replied nasally. I plucked the clothespin off my nose. "Jessica’s got the flu."

  "I’m sorry to hear that. The flu. I haven’t had that in …" Her eyes tipped up in thought. "Hmm …"

  "Fascinating. Look, the bathroom smells like someone died in there. I’m not exaggerating—I would know, right? We both would. So, I have to get back."

  "Let me do it," she suggested.

  "Forget it," I said, startled. Yech! A job I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Or Sinclair.

  "Such work is beneath you."

  "I’ll be the judge of what’s beneath me, missy," I snapped. "And as it happens, cleaning up puke is right up my alley."

  "I insist, Majesty."

  "Too bad. Besides, you can’t come in without my permission. Ha! And again I say, ha."

  She raised her eyebrows at me, dark and delicate as butterfly feelers, and stepped over the threshold.

  "Well, nuts."

  "Sorry. Old wives’ tale. Besides, Eric and I were in and out of here a couple of times this past spring, remember?"

  "I’ve been doing my best to forget all about last spring." I handed her the clothespin.

  "Besides, if you think about it, it makes no sense," she said gently. "Why wouldn’t a vampire be able to come and go as she pleased?"

  "Spare me the lecture. And if you’re going to barge in, make yourself useful. You want to clean? Be my guest."

  She moved forward so eagerly, I actually felt bad for a few seconds. She was so desperate to get back in my good graces.

  Not my problem.

  "So, what d’you want? Why’d you come over?"

  "To beg your forgiveness again," she replied soberly.

  "Scr
ub first," I advised. "Then beg."

  TINA made about as much noise as a ninja, but Jessica sat up anyway when we walked into the bedroom. "Whu?" she asked muzzily. "Tina? That you?"

  "Poor Jessica!" Tina hurried to the side of the bed. Her delicate nostrils flared once, and then she was smooth-faced and polite. "If memory serves, the flu is dreadful." She put a hand on Jessica’s forehead. "You must feel awful."

  "I do, but that feels great," Jessica groaned. "Your clammy dead hand is just the ticket. How come Betsy let you in? Thought she was still ticked off at you and King Gorgeous."

  "Do not call him that," I muttered.

  "She took pity on me. Go to sleep, darling," she soothed. "When you wake, you’ll feel much better."

  Just like that, Jessica’s eyes rolled up and she was out, snoring blissfully.

  "Damn!" I was impressed in spite of myself. Tina was bisexual; I figured that’s why she had power over men and women. "Nice work! I didn’t know you could cure the flu."

  "Thank you. Scrub brush?"

  "Next to the toilet. But seriously, this is just too sad. You must have more important things to do than clean my bathroom," I commented, following her to said bathroom. "It’s almost the weekend, for God’s sake."

  Tina flinched at "God". Vampires were so touchy about organized religion. "Actually, I did have some news."

  "Sinclair has turned into a pile of ash?" I asked hopefully.

  "Ah … no. But it’s funny you should say that. We’re getting reports of quite a few staked vampires."

  "So?"

  She looked at me.

  "Ah, no," I whined. "What, this is my problem?"

  "You’re the queen."

  "Oh, so I have to protect the city’s vampires?"

  "The world’s vampires, actually," she said gently. Good thing I was standing near the tub, because all of a sudden, I needed a place to sit down.

  Chapter 4

  "SO, somebody’s been running around killing vampires?"

  "Yes. More than one somebody, most likely. We suspect a hit team."

  " 'We' being you and Sinclair."

  "Yes."

  I drank the rest of my tea and got up to fix a fresh cup. The bathroom sparkled like something out of a toilet bowl cleaner commercial; Tina could scrub like a fiend. Did fiends scrub, I wondered idly. Note to self: find out.

  "Look, Tina, no offense, but I’m not sure this is necessarily a bad thing."

  "No offense taken," she said dryly.

  "I just don’t think it’s my job to protect the city vampires, is all. Shit, I’ve been protecting the city from them. What is it about upright wood ticks that they have to hurt their food? Huh?"

  She stared at her cup and didn’t answer.

  "I mean, just the other day, I’m minding my own business, when I have to pull a bloodsucker off his lunch. Not only did he rough up his meal, but he tipped over a city cab and scared the shit out of the driver just for the hell of it. Just because he could."

  Still, Tina said nothing. I knew her blood donors were one hundred percent willing, but it was still embarrassing to be associated with the bad guys.

  I jumped into the silence. "So, I’m betting this hit squad or whatever has a legitimate beef with the undead. Right? Right. Now I have to get involved? What the hell for?"

  Tina was silent for a long moment, then finally said, "You’re young."

  "Oh, sure, throw that in my face again."

  But she had a point. Four months ago, I’d been a live nobody. Now I was a dead monarch. But I still remembered what it was like to breathe and eat and run around outside in the daytime. Would I have cared then that someone was killing vampires?

  Nope.

  To be perfectly honest, most vampires were assholes. I couldn’t begin to guess how many people I’d saved from being munched, all because vamps had victim issues. It was like, once they rose from the dead, they spent the rest of the time getting even for being murdered.

  "I imagine you feel … torn," Tina said.

  "More like annoyed and pissed off."

  "But the fact remains, someone is killing your people."

  I didn’t say anything. Sadly, Tina didn’t take the hint. Instead, she continued, "We need to put a stop to it at once."

  I sat down across from her with my fresh cup of tea. "Oh, man," I sighed. "Look, let me think about it, okay? I just got a new job, my roommate’s sick, my dad’s scared of me, my car needs an oil change, we probably have termites, Jessica’s house-hunting behind my back, and it’s almost the weekend. I’m just so busy right now."

  "You have a job?"

  "Uh-hum." I tried to look modest. Not everybody could land the job of a lifetime. "Selling shoes at Macy’s."

  Another long pause. "You’ll be working at a mall?"

  Tina wasn’t as fawning or floored as I expected. Weird. "Not a mall, the Mall, and yeah, so my plate’s kind of full right now. Plus, I have to work tomorrow. At Macy’s. At the Mall. So maybe we could pick this up later?"

  She drummed her fingers on the table and stared at me. "I suppose I could get together all the information we have and bring it over later for you to look at."

  "Oh, just sum up. Write me a memo."

  "A memo."

  "Yup." I stared at my wrist. Forgot to put on my watch again, darnit. "My, my, look at the time! This has been great, but I’ve got to scoot."

  "You’re as subtle as a brick to the forehead. I’ll be back."

  "That’s just swell. An undead Terminator, just what I need in my life. Give Sinclair a nice kick in the balls for me."

  She sniffed. "No need to be rude."

  Of course, she was dead wrong. Where Sinclair was concerned, there were all kinds of need.

  Chapter 5

  Four Days Later

  "UM, Mr. Mason, d’you have a minute?"

  We were back in the employee section, and I was standing just outside the boss’s cubicle. Tastefully upholstered in blah gray, there wasn’t a single picture, kid’s drawing, party invitation, or Softball signup sheet tacked to any of the cube walls. Except for a computer, his work space was clear. The place was as Spartan as a monk’s cell. It was impressive and creepy at the same time. "If you’re busy, I could—"

  "I am, Betsy, but I’m glad you came back here … I need to speak with you." He took off his glasses—was it, like, a rule that if you were in management you wore glasses?—gestured for me to sit, and then polished the frames on his sweater which, weirdly, was tucked into his slacks. "But first, what can I do for you?"

  "Uh, well, my paycheck seemed a little light. Not that it wasn’t a kick to have a check from Macy’s, because it was. But still … I was expecting a bit more. I was thinking maybe you guys didn’t have all my hours on there, or something."

  He held out his hand, and I gave him my pay stub. He scanned it once, then handed it back. "Well, there’s fica, federal tax, state tax …"

  "Right."

  "And your employee discount."

  "Right. What?" Damn! I’d bought a few things to celebrate my new job, but I had no idea I’d spent four-fifths of my paycheck before I even got it. Damn you, indigo blue high heels from Liz Claiborne!

  "Oh," I said, sounding just so intelligent, I was sure. "I forgot about that. Sorry to bother you."

  "A moment, please, Betsy. How do you like being on the Macy’s team?"

  "Are you kidding? It’s great! It’s like a dream come true!"

  "I’m glad. And with one or two small exceptions, it’s a pleasure to have you working here."

  "Uh-oh," I said dolefully.

  He smiled. "First let me say your knowledge of fine footwear is unparalleled by anyone in the store, excepting myself."

  I modestly brushed my bangs out of my face. Excepting myself, my ass. But be nice. "Thanks."

  "However …"

  "Oh, here we go."

  "I’ve noticed you try to talk a … a certain type of customer … out of their purchases."

  I didn’
t say anything to that, and fought the urge to squirm in my chair. The fact was, if someone came in wearing shoes that were terribly beat up, I was loathe to sell them one of my finely made babies. Who knew what could happen? Once the shoes were out of the stores, they were beyond my protective sphere. I had to look out for my leather charges!

  "Well," I finally said, "I don’t like to be one of those pushy sales types."

  "That is admirable, but nor should you be one of those sales types who doesn’t sell shoes. Keep it in mind, please."

  "Okay," I said humbly. For a minute I toyed with the idea of hypnotizing him into letting me sell to whomever the hell I wanted, then rejected the plan. I never liked forcing people to my evil will and only did it in emergencies … like when I was starving, or needed to cut in line at the movies.

  I vowed I’d sell to the next person who asked me for help. No matter how ratty her sneakers, no matter how tatty her heels, no matter if her eye shadow had creases at the lids and her lip liner didn’t match her lipstick, I’d sell her something fabulous and keep a smile on my face at the same time, even if I needed to rush into the employees’ lounge and throw up afterward.

  I marched back out onto the sales floor, my gaze darting about for a likely customer. Ah! There was one, and she was actually pretty well-dressed—linen jacket and navy slacks. Good shoes—Manolos, circa 2001. She was about my mom’s age, and was looking at the Beverly Feldman boots.

  "Hi," I said brightly. She jumped and nearly fell into the display. I grabbed her elbow and steadied her—a little too firmly. Her feet actually left the floor for a moment. "Whoa, there. I didn’t mean to startle you."

  She turned to look at me, her eyes so wide I could see the whites all the way around her pupils. I heard her heartbeat suddenly pick up a double-time pace, and felt real, real bad. "Don’t do that, dear! I didn’t even hear you come up behind me!"

  "I’m sorry." Nice work, Betsy, you retard. You’ve gone from refusing to sell to your customers to scaring the shit out of them. Stupid undead quiet feet. "I didn’t mean to scare you."

  She was peering up at me. "Why are you wearing sunglasses?"