Her Silent Burden_Seeing Ranch series

by Florence Linnington

She’d lost her mind. Her parents and siblings could not, under any conditions, know what was happening in her marriage. She did not wish to worry them. If they knew of Wakefield’s reaction to her being with child, they would become terribly upset. No good would come of her hurting them.

  Setting her pencil back to the paper, Thea chewed on her lip and tried to think of the next thing to write. Yet the words would not come. There was nothing particularly joyful to share, and she would not lie to them.

  Giving up, she folded the paper neatly and tucked it away in the sewing basket Wakefield had bought her the week before. Then, she put the sewing basket in its spot next to the piano and stood back and looked around the room.

  Her husband had done so much for her. He’d bought her the piano and a handful of other nice things. The sewing basket. A bolt of cloth and lace to make a Sunday dress with.

  He’d brought her to a nice, cozy cabin. He provided for her daily with a thriving business.

  And yet he let her down in the most important ways. When she found him that morning reeling from a night of binge drinking, she thought her heart would break in two.

  Wakefield was not the man she thought he was. Now the question was, what did she do about it?

  Leave? Wait and see how things progressed?

  The first option did not seem viable. Before Wakefield, she hadn’t been able to take care of herself as it was. It was inconceivable to think she could manage by herself with an infant.

  Thea ran her hands over her belly. It seemed she’d gained a noticeable amount of weight overnight. Whether that was the case or not, she noticed for the first time that her dress was rather tight around the waist. She would have to let it out soon.

  She closed her eyes, trying not to imagine herself round with child. That future rested only a few months away, and while it should have been an exciting one, Thea currently found it to be terrifying. Where would she be when she birthed? Would Wakefield be around? Or would their marriage have fallen to shambles by then?

  Thea’s closed eyes filled with tears. If their union ended, that would mean two destroyed marriages for her. Surely, that meant she was cursed.

  A knock on the open door made her turn around. Jenny and a man Thea had never seen before stood there.

  Quickly blinking back tears, Thea smiled at the two of them. “Good morning.”

  “Thea, this is Doctor Felder,” Jenny explained. “He is traveling through town today, and I thought you might like him to examine you.”

  “Oh. Um, yes. That would be nice. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Doctor. Come right in.”

  At that moment, Thea would have liked nothing more than to be left alone, but she could not very well turn away Jenny and Doctor Felder. Who knew when she would have another chance to see a physician?

  “I hear you are expecting a baby,” Doctor Felder said, entering and placing his bag on the floor.

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” Thea said, already self-conscious. If only Doctor Felder knew the total circumstances, he would probably have nothing but pity to offer her.

  “I can wait outside,” Jenny said, turning around and disappearing through the doorway.

  After a simple examination and a few questions answered, Doctor Felder packed his bag back up and smiled at Thea.

  “It appears, Mrs. Briggs, that you should expect a baby in four to five months’ time.”

  “Yes, that is what I thought.” Thea tugged at her dress’ waist again, its stitches growing more confining with each moment.

  “As for when the birthing comes, I am happy to assist if I can make it up here in time. The earlier the notification, the better.”

  Thea’s ears pounded, and her anxiety grew. How did she tell the doctor she had no earthly idea where she would be when the baby came?

  She couldn’t.

  “I will keep that in mind, Doctor. Thank you.”

  Outside, Doctor Felder climbed into the saddle of a horse waiting in the shade, and Thea found Jenny at the chicken coop.

  “I gathered your eggs for you,” she said, showing Thea her apron with several tan eggs in it.

  “Thank you,” Thea said her voice thick with emotion.

  “What did the doctor say?”

  “That I will have a baby in four to five months’ time.” Thea could not look her in the eye.

  “And what did your husband say?” Jenny asked, hesitation in her voice.

  “Not very much. He made it clear, however, that he is unhappy.”

  “Oh, Thea.” Jenny sighed and took a seat right there in the grass. Looking up at Thea, she patted the ground next to her.

  Thea obliged, settling down next to her. She had a long list of household duties to get to, but she felt too heavy to move. Besides, what was the point of taking care of a home that she may not be at for much longer?

  “I found him passed out drunk this morning at the saloon,” Thea said, staring off at the trees.

  The chickens clucked and scratched around them, and Jenny did not bother to respond. Thea couldn’t blame her. What was there to say?

  “Because of the baby,” Thea clarified. Not that her husband’s actions needed further explanation. But if she did not speak, then what? She sat there and fell apart?

  “He does not want children that badly?” Jenny asked, an edge to her voice.

  Thea looked over at her. “I suppose not.”

  Jenny huffed. “That is ridiculous.”

  “Perhaps, but he is my husband.” Thea pulled on a blade of grass. “Where are Peter and Farrow?”

  “Esme is minding them for a bit.”

  “I do not mean to keep you. You should go. Thank you for bringing Doctor Felder over.”

  Jenny unexpectedly rested her hand on Thea’s. “I have time. And I did not come here simply to bring the doctor. I also wanted to see how you were doing.”

  Thea tried to stop her lips from trembling and her eyes from filling with fresh tears, but it was no use. “Not well,” she confessed.

  Jenny squeezed her hand. “Perhaps he will come around. It is different for men than it is with women. A man is not a father until the day a child is born, but a woman is a mother from the moment of conception. She understands the experience in a different way.”

  “I do not feel that way yet,” Thea admitted. “I suppose I should feel some kind of connection to the child, but I do not.”

  “It might be the other... circumstances,” Jenny said delicately. “Do not worry. Give it time. You will.”

  “I do not know what to do, Jenny.” Thea’s voice cracked with emotion. “I have no idea what will become of me and Wakefield. He will not let me in. There are fears he has, deep ones... I can nearly feel them myself. He will not share with me, though. And I am so... lost.”

  Thea broke down then, all the pain she’d failed at bottling up spilled forth. Tears cascaded down her cheeks, and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. Jenny was there, though, pulling Thea into her arms and holding her close.

  “You will figure it out,” Jenny assured her. “As hopeless as everything feels, every situation has the possibility for a wonderful outcome.”

  “That is a nice belief,” Thea sniffed, drawing away. She dabbed at her face with her apron and sighed. “Perhaps I am not meant to be happy. Not with a man, anyway.”

  “Whatever gave you that impression?”

  “My life.” Thea ruefully smiled. “Two marriages, Jenny, and both have gone terribly wrong.”

  Jenny sighed as well. “You seem like a wonderful person, Thea. I have not known you long, but I knew from the beginning that you have a sweet soul. Obviously, Peter agrees. And even Farrow was talking last night about how much she likes you.”

  “Farrow?” Thea cried. “I’ve never heard a peep from her.”

  “And yet she said she wants to be as well-spoken and nice as you when she grows up.” Jenny gave Thea a sweet and purposeful look. “Now what do you suppose that means?”

  Thea shook
her head. “I do not know.”

  “Children see the true nature in others.”

  “That is sweet, Jenny, and your children are wonderful... but I am still lost.”

  “Then pray,” Jenny said.

  “I have been.”

  Jenny took both of Thea’s hands in hers and looked her straight in the eye. “Then pray harder. And believe. Pray and believe harder than you ever have in your life and do not give up until you have what you need.”

  Chapter 28

  shut the door

  28. Wakefield

  Chapter twenty-eight

  The cabin should have been welcoming, but it wasn’t. Dusk settled around it, a rooster crowed, and the breeze whispered in the trees. The place was Wakefield’s. When he’d built the cabin, it had been nothing more than a place to lay his head. Once Thea had arrived, it became a home.

  And now it was a place he was afraid to step foot in.

  He’d prolonged coming home for as long as he could, but he didn’t want to make the day even worse than he already had and not show up for supper. Whether or not Thea expected him didn’t matter. He needed to be there.

  It was, he supposed, the least he could do.

  Getting his lead legs moving, he pushed through the half-open door. Thea turned around from the cook stove at the noise. Her face hardened, and she quickly looked away.

  “I’m sorry,” Wakefield said.

  Thea had her back to him, and all he saw was her shoulders shaking. “For what?” she asked without turning around.

  “For the way you found me. For my reaction to the baby. For not being good enough for you.”

  Thea left the stove and took a seat at the table. She let out an exhausted exhale and ran her fingers over her face. Her gaze was on the wall, her eyes glassy and distant.

  “What happens next?” she asked.

  “I don’t know,” he admitted.

  “You don’t know?” Thea’s gaze landed on him.

  “No.” Wakefield took a seat as well and looked down at his clasped hands. He’d spent most of the day thinking about Vang’s offer.

  Sell the saloon. Give Thea the money. Disappear. It was that simple.

  Even though the baby wasn’t his, it was still his duty to care for Thea. He wanted her and the child to have a good life.

  And he wished he could be there for that life. He wished it with every fiber of his being. But there was too much darkness and pain inside of him. He wouldn’t be able to manage life with them. He would fall apart and, consequently, only bring the two of them disaster.

  At least that’s what he believed. Maybe he was wrong. Blast, he hoped he was wrong.

  “I’m not the best man, Thea. I suppose I don’t have to tell you that.”

  “You have a drinking problem.” She said it so matter of fact.

  He slowly lifted his face, forcing himself to look into her eyes. “Yes.”

  “And you drank last night because you were unbearably disturbed by the news of my pregnancy.”

  He winced. “Yes. But not because the baby is your late husband’s.”

  Her lips drew tight. “You’ve made that clear.”

  “I love children, Thea. I...” Wakefield’s throat dried up. How would he do this?

  Her pale face was made even whiter by the lantern’s light. She looked nearly ghostly. Was she feeling all right? Was the pregnancy making her feel ill?

  Or was he the problem? Was her poor health all thanks to him?

  Wakefield rubbed his palms together, amazed that he could hate himself so much and still remain alive.

  “You love children, and yet you do not?” Thea asked, her brow threading. “Is that what you are attempting to say?”

  “It took me by surprise.” He swallowed. “It’s not what I was expecting.”

  “It is not what I was expecting either!” she cried. Turning her face from him, she pressed her fingers to her lips and breathed heavily.

  The smell of food burning filled the air. Before Wakefield could stand himself, Thea jumped up and removed something from the cook stove.

  “I will start supper over,” she said to no one in particularly.

  “It’s fine.”

  “The meat is overcooked.”

  “Thea.” Wakefield rushed to her and took hold of her wrist. “Sit down. Please.”

  Her eyes shone with tears, and she looked like she would argue, but she only nodded and went back to her seat. Wakefield scooted his chair closer to hers.

  He’d come so close to telling Vang yes on the offer for the saloon, but that was the easy way out. The other option was to be a man, and to face his fears. This wasn’t only about him. He had a wife to take care of. A young one.

  There would be pain no matter what. Some days, he felt like he was being turned inside out by the agony. But if he left Thea, that pain would far worse than anything he’d ever experienced. Life without her would never be good enough. He’d miss her until the day he died.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said, knowing the words weren’t good enough.

  And, of course, she knew the same. Her silence pushed against him, slipping inside his head and spinning stories.

  It’s too late, Wakefield. She’s about to leave you. It’s for the best. Maybe this is you getting yours, and you don’t deserve to be happy.

  “You did not mean to hurt me,” Thea slowly said. “But you did.”

  She twisted her hands in her lap and looked at him. Really looked at him. Studied his face in a way people normally didn’t, with far more scrutiny.

  “How do you suppose I feel?” she asked. “I was so excited to come out here, Wakefield. Thrilled. I could not believe my luck after meeting you. A husband who was everything I had dreamed of.” Her lips trembled, but she pressed them together and kept going. “And now this. I am more alone than I ever was. I have very little choice in what is happening to me here.”

  “But you do.”

  “Do I?”

  He swallowed. The next statement would hurt on its way out, but it had to be said. “You could go. I have money. I can get more. You and the baby could go and have a better life somewhere else.”

  Her eyes squeezed tight. “Is that what you want?”

  Wakefield looked down at his clasped hands. “No.”

  “Then why would you suggest that?”

  “Because I’m not what you need,” he nearly shouted.

  Realizing he was about to lose control, he pushed his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. He could do this.

  Thea was having a baby. That was a good thing. A birth didn’t always bring pain and misery.

  “I don’t want you to go,” he said, opening his eyes and finding she hadn’t moved an inch. “But what do you want?”

  “I want you to let me in. I know this is not what we planned for, but I want you to be happy about the arrival of a child. Apparently, though, that is too much to ask.”

  Wakefield’s head felt too heavy. Propping his elbows on the table, he dropped his head into his hands.

  “What if I sold the saloon?”

  Another long silence. Thea liked to take her time responding to things.

  “Why would you do that?” she finally asked.

  “To get money for you.”

  “So I could leave?”

  He gulped. “You could go back to South Carolina, or anywhere else you wanted to. It would be enough for you to buy a house. You and the baby would be set up for a long time. Years.”

  Thea’s gaze shifted to a space beyond his head, and in her face Wakefield saw what was happening. She was considering the offer.

  “Say something,” he begged. “Please.” He wasn’t a man that was used to begging, but he was desperate.

  Thea’s face hardened. “Despite what has happened, Wakefield... what is happening... I still love you. Perhaps that will be my downfall. Perhaps, I am simply too weak. Even with you turning your back on me, offering me money to leave
, I find I still cannot walk away from you. Not that easily.”

  “I’m not turning my back on you.”

  “What else do you call this?”

  He swiftly reached forward and took her hand in his. “If you want to stay, Thea, despite all the wrongs I’ve done, all the messed up reactions I’ve had, then please. Do it. I’ll try to be better. I will.”