Daddy

by Jack Harbon

  “Gross. Get that gay emotional shit outta here,” Rob said, tossing a throw pillow at Mateo. Valerie snatched it up and tossed it back.

  “Hey, you watch it. Let Mateo talk about that gay emotional shit if he wants to.”

  He appreciated her defending him, but that was the last thing he wanted. In fact, talking about anything but his feelings sounded ideal. He logged out of the school website and closed the laptop, stretching out in the middle of the living room.

  “When is he coming to get you?” Valerie asked.

  “Eight. I’ve got about twenty minutes.”

  “Are you not gonna…get ready?” Valerie’s words were tender yet critical, and she eyed his lackluster outfit with a less-than-pleasant expression.

  Mateo chuckled. “I told you, it’s not like that. We’re really into each other, but I don’t worry about that kind of stuff. He gets to see me all dressed down and ready to game. Did I tell you that we’re going to an arcade?”

  Valerie covered her mouth. “You’re ditching us to go play video games with some other dude? That’s low, Matty.”

  He sat up and nudged her with his shoulder. “You two know you’re my favorites. Nobody plays games as well as you guys do.” At first, she seemed reluctant, but eventually Valerie’s face softened, and she cracked a smile.

  The twenty minutes passed and there was a knock at the door. Mateo hopped up and hurried into the foyer. He said his goodbyes on the way out then followed Gino back to his car. Once inside, he clicked in his seatbelt and sat back.

  “Sorry I’m a little late,” Gino said. “My dad wanted me to take something to my mom’s place really quickly.”

  Mateo looked down at the clock on the dashboard. “You’re three minutes late, Gino. You’re fine,” he chuckled. Gino smiled bashfully and pulled the car out of the driveway. On the way to the arcade, he and Gino made the same typical small talk they always did when they got together.

  Gino had finally earned the promotion at work he’d been vying for, and Mateo congratulated him by cheering and whooping while he cracked up laughing. Mateo was ecstatic. He knew how badly Gino had fought for the new set of responsibilities (and a bigger paycheck) and seeing how happy it made Gino made Mateo happy. When Mateo told him that he’d reenrolled to finish his last semester, Gino cheered for him the same way.

  They parked outside of Game Hub and hopped out. As the two of them entered the building, Gino slung his arm around Mateo’s shoulder. Normally Mateo would have considered this pretty intimate, but the truth was that it was never like that for the two of them. He hadn’t gotten the chance to describe the relationship to his friends, but things were completely casual. They texted each other at night. They hung out regularly. Sure, sometimes maybe they even cuddled, but nothing had ever gone further than a kiss on the top of the head.

  There was a different feeling being with Gino. Other people always made jokes about their time spent together, but only the two of them knew that whatever they did together was free from any kind of deep, powerful emotion. It was just nice to have someone to be close with. It was nice holding someone’s hand and knowing that if need be, they could talk to each other about whatever it was they were feeling that day. Mateo couldn’t quite explain it, even to himself sometimes. All he knew for sure was that it felt nice. It was a good thing, and he needed more of those in his life.

  For the next hour, the boys ran around the arcade playing all kinds of games. They spent ten dollars in coins alone on Ms. Pac-Man, each taking over when the other died. Mateo wasn’t one to brag, but they kicked some ass in that game. After that, they headed over to the Skee-Ball machines and put in a good amount of time there.

  “So, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Gino said once they sat down with their plates of pizza.

  Mateo opened a tiny packet of cheese he’d grabbed and began sprinkling it over his two slices. “What’s up?”

  “I’ve been feeling guilty all day,” Gino sighed. “The reason I asked you out on such short notice is because my ex-boyfriend is dating someone I was close with in high school. I thought I was over him, but seeing him with that guy made me feel all these things I guess I’d pushed down. I know I said I missed hanging out with you, but…”

  “You didn’t want to be alone,” Mateo said, finishing his sentence.

  Gino nodded solemnly. “Yeah.”

  “Hey,” Mateo started. He reached out and put his hand on Gino’s. “I get it. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t feel that way sometimes. Hanging out with you makes me feel like I actually matter to someone? Like I’m not completely unlovable and miserable to be around. Sometimes I feel like that with Val and Rob.”

  In the past few weeks, Mateo had noticed the creeping worry of being a downer popping up more in his mind. The last thing he wanted to be was the friend that didn’t know how to let loose and just enjoy his life. Valerie constantly told him that this wasn’t the case, but the only time he felt like he wasn’t bringing down the mood was when he was with Gino. They understood each other in a way Rob and Valerie just couldn’t.

  “You’re not miserable, Mateo. You’re the exact opposite of it,” Gino said, smirking.

  Mateo picked at his pizza and fought back a bashful grin. “Thanks.” He cleared his throat and looked up. “About you feeling guilty, though. You don’t have to worry about that. I’ve called you or texted you a few times because I was thinking about my ex. I think it’s natural to seek out that kind of comfort, and I think it’s kinda cool that you trust me like that.”

  “This is a huge relief,” Gino laughed nervously. “I was freaking out all night feeling guilty as hell. I didn’t want you to be mad at me or think that I was using you to get over my ex or anything. Which, I guess I am doing?”

  “I don’t think of it like we’re using each other.” Mateo shrugged. “I think we’re just helping each other. We’re working through our shit simultaneously.”

  “I like that.”

  “Good. I like that too.”

  The arcade closed the doors at ten o’clock, but Mateo wasn’t ready to head home just yet. When they made it back to the car, he turned to Gino and said, “Let’s go get some ice cream or something.”

  “I like the way you think, Rosales.”

  Gino flicked on his turn signal and headed left, the opposite direction from Valerie’s house. The closest grocery store was about a mile out, and while Gino drove, Mateo scrolled through his playlists until he found the right one. He put on his favorite Kamaliza song and lowered the seat, looking up at the night. With the convertible’s hood lowered, Mateo could see every star in the sky.

  In the past few weeks, Mateo had made it his mission to understand what people meant when they said they were happy alone. He’d read it in all of the self-help articles he’d bookmarked and recited helpful mantras from all of his favorite podcasts. He had to be “happy on his own” before he could be happy with someone else. Their job wasn’t to make his life worthwhile. It was only to make it more fun.

  And so, he’d tried his damnedest to fully comprehend that kind of self-love. Ironically, with Gino, he was slowly starting to understand how that felt.

  With Gino, he felt a weightlessness that hadn’t been there with Arthur. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Gino had started as a friend before anything else. Or maybe it was the intense amount of feelings for Arthur that developed over a short amount of time. Whatever it was, Mateo was coming to realize that this kind of happiness wasn’t something Arthur could give him. Only he could give himself this feeling. Only he could be responsible for his joy.

  It was a lesson that Mateo hated, in a way.

  These things took time and dedication. Conscious effort to not be cruel to himself. To work day in and day out on the healing process, and to not undermine it or pass it off as something unimportant. His pleasure was important, just like anyone else’s.

  And after all of this was over and he was a stronger, better, more confident person, he
would approach the next relationship knowing that even if this guy didn’t love him forever, he was worth that kind of love. The possibility of never finding the guy for him in the end wouldn’t scare him as much, because if nobody else saw the goodness in him, he could see it in himself.

  He could only hope Gino came to this realization too.

  Once they’d picked up the ice cream, Gino pulled over into the parking lot of the elementary school Mateo had gone to. The playground was closed after hours, but Gino kindly informed Mateo that he didn’t give a fuck.

  The two of them took their seats on the swing set. Mateo dug around in the brown paper bag for the fudge bars then handed one to Gino. As he unwrapped his own, he said, “If you get us in trouble…”

  “We’ll be fine, worrywart. Just have fun!” He kicked his legs up and began pushing his swing forward and back. Mateo watched skeptically for a moment before he finally let down his guard and relaxed a little bit. This was supposed to be a night about just having fun with someone. Escaping all the routines he’d gotten so bored with.

  They spent a good hour on the swings talking about everything. Mateo updated him on how his mother was loving her job. Tomas had volunteered to look after the kids while Mateo took on more hours at the mall to make up for Ricky’s place shutting down. Gino told him about the new Yorkie his dad adopted, as well as all the plans he’d made with his friends. In July, they were going to fly out to New York for some fun. His cousin Chad wanted them to experience the city and see how the East Coast did things.

  The sun peeked over the horizon by the time the boys headed back to the car. Mateo grabbed the door handle but paused. “Hey, Gino?”

  “‘Sup?”

  Mateo smiled. “Thank you.”

  25

  I’M LEARNING TO SWIM

  Mateo stood by the front door of Ricky Estes’ art supply store, arms folded across his chest and eyes on the last student climbing into her mother’s Subaru. The two of them waved goodbye at Mateo and he returned the gesture with a wide smile. He watched as the car’s taillights faded around the corner before he headed back inside.

  The store was empty save for him and Ricky—who was in his office making a few calls. Mateo returned to the back room, his chest squeezing. It was his last art class, and overwhelming sadness threatened to take control of him. He wasn’t ready to let all of this go. He’d had too much fun, but it was time to put it behind him. Ricky couldn’t justify keeping the classes running if his store was closing down soon.

  Rather than giving into the sorrow, Mateo stood at the front of the room and held his head up with pride. He’d done good here. He’d helped so many kids discover the talents they either hadn’t known existed or the skills they needed to refine in order to be great. He could look back on the experience with comfort instead of regret. Joy instead of anguish.

  And maybe there’d be more situations like this. Maybe, when he was older and well-off, he could open something like this himself. Something free, where he could give back to his community. The idea lifted his spirits.

  Once Mateo had cleaned up the workstations and put away all of the paint supplies, he packed up his belongings and slung his bag over his shoulder. He stopped to poke his head into Ricky’s office.

  “Hey, I’m heading out. Just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for giving me the chance to do something like this. I just wish it wasn’t the end.”

  Ricky nodded solemnly. “I do too. But this isn’t the end for us. We’ll bounce back. The both of us.”

  Mateo smiled sadly. He knew that if he stood there talking about this, he’d end up crying, so he sniffed hard, put on a brave face, and gave a little wave. Walking out of the store was harder than he thought it would be, but he put one foot in front of the other and didn’t give himself a chance to hesitate.

  He crossed the street and walked to his favorite coffee shop, desperately in need of a pick-me-up. A creeping feeling of being watched slithered up his back, and he stopped in his tracks to look over his shoulder. He scanned the cars and people around him before letting himself relax. It was nothing.

  Mateo shook his head and continued walking, scolding himself for being so paranoid. He stepped into the coffee shop to order something sweet. When he stepped out again, he wasn’t in such a sour mood. He had a nice iced coffee to raise his mood.

  As he crossed the street at the light, he felt eyes on him again.

  “Mateo,” someone called.

  He glanced back to see the window of a black car rolling down. He instantly recognized the driver. The eyes were unmistakable.

  Arthur.

  He hadn’t seen the man in months, and compared to their fight outside his penthouse, he looked like a completely different person. Back to his old self with his perfect hair and his well-groomed facial hair. He still looked good, which only annoyed Mateo even more.

  That said, nothing Arthur could say would be worth it. He didn’t need that kind of negativity in his life, especially not on this particular day. He was already bummed and dealing with Arthur would only drag him down further.

  That didn’t stop Arthur from pulling up beside him. “Mateo,” he repeated, his car moving at a slow creep. Mateo continued walking as if he hadn’t heard him.

  “Mateo, stop ignoring me.”

  “That’s hilarious,” Mateo said bitterly.

  “I’m serious.”

  “Seriously annoying.” It lacked any kind of wit, but it made him feel good to say it.

  “Can you just stop and talk to me?” Arthur spun around the corner to block Mateo’s path on the second crosswalk.

  “Move,” Mateo said, folding his arms over his chest.

  “Not until you talk to me. That’s what you wanted, right? For me to be honest with you?”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore, Arthur. I’m over the entire situation, and I’m over you.”

  “I don’t believe you,” he said simply. He looked back at the traffic behind him that was growing more impatient. One driver honked, short and loud.

  “You’re blocking everyone’s way. Move,” Mateo said, irritation in his voice.

  Arthur shook his head, and rather than moving out of the way, he reached for his keys and pulled them from the ignition. He tossed them at Mateo’s feet.

  For a moment, he was too stunned to do anything but stare at the keys in front of him. The insistent honking brought him out of it. He looked up at Arthur, that determined stare that had once made him giddy now making his blood boil.

  “I’m not moving until you get in,” Arthur said.

  “Asshole,” Mateo muttered, snatching the keys from the ground. He threw them at Arthur’s chest and walked around the car to climb inside. When he was situated in his seat, he slammed the door and turned to look at Arthur expectantly. “What?” he huffed. Arthur turned on the ignition and moved out of the other drivers’ way.

  His voice was soft as he said, “I wanted to talk to you about what happened.”

  “What’s there to discuss? I went through things I shouldn’t have went through, you got mad at me without explaining why, threw me out, ignored me for four weeks, and then I broke up with you. Sounds like a done deal to me.”

  Mateo looked out of the passenger’s window, determined not to meet Arthur’s gaze. He was more upset at himself than anyone else. He’d been talking himself up and saying he didn’t need Arthur. He was strong without the man. Yet here he was, sitting in his car on their way to who knew where.

  “That’s not all that happened.”

  “Oh, you’re right. You also ignored your best friend, which doesn’t make any sense because it’s not like she was your sugar baby. Doesn’t make sense why you’d toss her aside too.” The scenery around them became more familiar, and though he had no way of leaving unless he planned on jumping out, he still unbuckled his seatbelt. “I don’t want to go to your apartment,” he said.

  “We’re already here. Will you just come upstairs with me, please?”

  Ma
teo looked at Arthur for a long minute, narrowing his eyes. “I’m serious, Arthur, I’m leaving after five minutes inside. I have plans today and I’m not going to drop them all for you.”

  “That’s fine,” Arthur sighed. He parked his car and climbed out, waiting until Mateo was out before locking the vehicle up. They walked to the front where the doorman Hugh smiled at them. Mateo dropped his gaze. The last time they’d seen each other hadn’t been his most shining moment.

  Once they were both inside Arthur’s loft, Mateo took a seat on the sofa. He’d cleaned his place, thankfully, and now he could finally see the furniture again. Clementine sniffed at Mateo’s feet, and though he felt like breaking something in Arthur’s house, his heart still leapt when she approached him.

  Arthur poured two glasses of water and took a seat on the sofa beside Mateo.

  “You said you wanted to talk,” Mateo said with a shrug. “So, talk.”

  “I just want to say, before anything else, that what I did to you was fucked up. What I did to Nicola was fucked up. All of it was. You two had no idea whether I was still alive, and I should have been considerate enough to explain what was going on.” He took a quick drink and cleared his throat. He adjusted his tie twice, and Mateo noticed that he wouldn’t meet his eye for more than a split second.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  Arthur started to reach for his glass of water again, and when Mateo saw the shake in his hand, Arthur clenched his fist. “I…” The words seemed trapped in his mouth. “I killed someone.”

  Mateo was certain he’d misheard that. “What?”

  “Someone important to me. Someone close. I killed him, and not only did I ruin my life, but I ruined the lives of others.”

  Arthur focused his gaze to the glasses of water on the coffee table. “Eleven years ago. It was on my birthday. I wanted to celebrate, but I’d lost a lot of friends that year. My family had lost contact with a lot of important people because of who my brother chose to marry. Gloria Greene. Everyone expected my brother Joseph to marry someone powerful. Someone who could relate to our family. But he fell in love with a waitress. At the time, I was a different person. I’d just inherited my mother’s company. At twenty-four, I let myself believe I was more important than I was. I internalized the hateful things my father said about Gloria. I hated Gloria because the people I was surrounded by hated her.