by Pamela Ann
She looked so tortured I felt like a complete bastard. She was in love with me, and I had taken advantage of that, knowing quite well she would give in to me sooner or later. “Maybe, in time, you’ll realize you were never in love with me. Maybe it’s because I’m your first. They say it’s always like that for girls, but it doesn’t mean that it’s love.”
Her cries deepened as she shook her head. “I’ve loved you for a long time… I just didn’t realize it. I gave myself to you because, deep down, I wanted you to have it, yet I was too naïve to know it was love that drove me to hold off when Liam wanted to take it away even before things progressed between us. I’m willing for you to use my body, knowing that I’m going to be the other woman because I’m stupid enough to say yes, thinking that at least I’ll get a little piece of you—a piece of what used to be us. I don’t have any hopes that you’ll love me again—I’m not delusional—but if you just give me time, I’ll overcome crying like an idiot. Come back in a month. I promise I’ll be ready for you.” She then gave me an agonized look before rushing back into the bedroom, softly closing the door behind her.
I stared after her as I stilled, listening to her soft cries. My chest tightened with every second that passed. I wasn’t sure what to do. A part of me was urging me to go inside and tell her she didn’t need to find a man to get over me because I wanted her to be in love with me. Yet, the other part was telling me to leave permanently and never look back.
Olivia always made me question myself. When it came to her, I was a ball of confusion. One thing I would be sure then the other, I would be backtracking my words.
My gut was telling me to move…to go after her and see if she was okay…
But…there was always a but…
Would it be better for the both of us if I simply left and let her move on with her life?
Chapter 24
Liv
I was crying into my pillow, clutching it so hard my knuckles were white as I tried to muffle the sound of my sharp cries. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he go through with it? Question after question swirled in my brain as I tortured myself into thinking he was probably spoon feeding Edith, showering her with love and affection when he couldn’t even stand touching me for long without being disgusted.
I was on a roll when I suddenly felt him hug me from behind, scooping me into the security of his body as he held me tight. “Hearing you cry still does things to me. I guess nothing’s changed on that part,” he softly spoke against my neck.
Closing my eyes, I remembered the days when he used to hold me this close to make me feel better. How times had changed… That this time around he was comforting me because I loved him when he no longer felt the same was a cruel bit of irony. How did I kill this feeling? I wanted it to go away so badly, so I could have something of him again. I couldn’t bear the thought of him pulling away from me; I just wouldn’t let that happen. There was something between us, and I knew it was worth fighting for.
“Don’t leave until I fall asleep… please,” I begged, wanting to savor this moment of falling asleep in his arms again. I knew this might be the last time, and I wanted to remember it.
As quietly as I could, my tears fell, weeping silently for the man I had lost in the middle of my indecisiveness. Losing him—his love—made me lose myself. I was drifting into unchartered waters, into a place where I knew I might drown soon. It was a sink or swim world, yet I had no hopes in me to keep afloat.
“I’m sorry for hurting you before. I wished I knew that I loved you then… and you’d still be with me. You’d still love me. You’d still be crazy about me. I’ve missed you, and it hurts every day to think that I’m not yours anymore.”
“Olivia, don’t do this to yourself.”
“I don’t know how to stop. Tell me how. Tell me how you stopped loving me so I can do the same. I hate this.” I was going crazy every day. How long would this go on? “I’m begging here, tell me what to do!”
“I don’t think I should tell you. It was different for me. I wanted so much out of us, out of you, and you didn’t know what you wanted.”
Wiping my tears away, I rolled to my side, staring into his face. “How did you do it?”
His throat bobbed before answering me. “Booze. Lots of drugs. Women of all types—and lots of it on a daily basis.”
I nodded, branding his formula into my head. “Thanks for telling me.”
His eyes lingered on my face as if committing it into his memory. So I did the same, trying not to cry as my fingers reached out to touch the bottom of his lips, wanting to remember how sweet and passionate his kisses were.
“You were never planning on coming back after today.” It wasn’t a question, but the plain truth. I still knew a bit of him to see the answers in his eyes before he confirmed them.
“I thought it was what I wanted, but when I was about to commit to it, I wasn’t sure if I could keep on going. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I guess it’s better this way.”
This was the proper goodbye I had never been able to have with him. And experiencing it was twice as bad as not having it. Because I knew this was finality. There was no doubt, no what ifs to ponder about—this was it.
The ending of us.
It was sad. Wanting anything else would be in vain, and I knew it was time.
I had held on for so long, letting this—him—go after realizing my mistake without ever sharing this love with him… it was going to be tough. Starting a clean slate, I thought sadly as I drowned in my heartache, holding his hand close to my cheek as I softly grazed my skin over his. “I’m going to miss your smell, Grey.”
He remained silent, making me wonder if he had fallen asleep. When I heard him sigh a couple of times as he shifted a bit, loosening his hold of my hips. I did what I thought would be best.
“You can go now. I’m sorry for holding you up. I just remembered that you have to buy your wife breakfast.” Saying the word wife was tearing me apart, burning my chest as it consumed my insides, however I had to come around and accept it fully.
“But I thought you wanted me to stay?” I could feel him lift half of his body to look over at me, but I remained still, eyes closed as I started letting him go.
I would keep him if I could, yet he wasn’t mine. I had borrowed him for a while and now time was up. I didn’t want him to hate me more than he already did. Besides, it wasn’t as if he had chosen to stay here, not really.
“I’ll be okay—don’t worry about me.”
His shrilling phone made us both pause. He checked the time on the side table indicating that it was five before eight before he started to shift and plucked his phone out of his pocket. A long, drawn-out sound came out of him as he took the call. “Hello?” he said, sounding exhausted. “Yeah. How can you guys run out of Hibiscus? You promised me that I would have ten dozen of them by tomorrow! Well, that’s not my problem. No, I don’t want roses—my wife loves red Hibiscus and I want to surprise her tomorrow on our anniversary. Well, fuck, you’re the one running the business. Figure it out.” He hung up, cursing before groaning out loudly.
Tomorrow was their what, seven month anniversary as a couple since I left or was it for their two-month wedding anniversary, and he had something planned? Will he be doing this for every single month they gained being married to each other? Lucky Edith.
I couldn’t help going down that route—the this-could-have-been-me-instead-of-her route state of mind. Clutching the pillow against my chest, I sighed shakily, hoping sleep would catch me and give me that nightmare again. This time, I hoped it would take me away. What better way to leave than sleep your death away?
“I didn’t mean to blow up—I just hated the fact that this flower place couldn’t deliver what was promised.” He tried to explain himself, but I didn’t see why he should.
He was right on being ticked off. It seemed that tomorrow meant a lot to him. He might not get sex from Edith—maybe because of her health, I wasn’t sure—but it
was clear as day that he sure loved her madly enough to celebrate monthly wedding anniversaries with her. What husband would do such things? I’d never heard of it really. Well, not until today.
“I’m tired, Grey… do you mind letting yourself out?” I tried to level out my voice, as if I wasn’t crying a damn river on my pillow. “You can leave the keys on the coffee table next to the sofa. Thanks.”
“Liv?”
“Hmmm?”
“You’re going to be safe, right? I’m going out of town tonight—I—promise me you won’t do anything stupid?”
Where were they going to celebrate their anniversary? I wanted to demand the answer from him, however I bit off a part of my tongue to stop myself from intruding in his life. “I will be okay, Grey. You have nothing to worry about with me.”
“You mean that, right?”
Since when did I start not meaning what I said? “Go home, Grey.”
“Okay,” he said as I felt the bed shift when he stood up.
I wished I had the balls to look him in the eye, maybe even give him a hug, but I couldn’t move. Paralyzed on the spot, I wished him the best. “Travel safe. Enjoy your time with Edith.”
Chapter 25
Liv
“How are you liking this new school, sweetie?” Mom asked as she poured her tea while I watched her do it in daze, wondering where Greyson went with Edith for their anniversary.
“Hmm?” I blinked at her, hoping she’d repeat what she’d just said.
She gave me a comforting smile before repeating it again.
“It’s great. I just wish Josie wasn’t so highly obsessed with Gavin, but other than that, everything seems to be going well,” I calmly said as I thought about my major. Was I still willing to go through Psychology? I wasn’t so sure anymore. In fact, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do from here on out. Maybe I needed to sit down with a pen and paper and figure it out from there.
Glancing at my mom, I had to think she seemed to be in a much better place. Her smiles reached her eyes, and each time I saw her, she seemed to be more like her old self.
“Are you dating anyone? I know, after Liam… I think he could’ve been the one. He loves you and he’ll make you very happy.”
The one…
That truly got my attention. “I’m thinking of dating again, but we shall see. Maybe having some alone time will be beneficial. I’m having second thoughts—nothing alarming—but I might want to change majors, though I’m not sure which one.”
She carefully placed her teacup down on the settee, considering for a moment what I had told her. “It’s not because of Grey, is it?”
I immediately tensed at the sound of his name. “What do you mean, Mom?” Everything was about Greyson. I didn’t want anything—not money, success—none of that. I just wanted him to love me again. I had never felt more rich and happy than when he had loved me unconditionally.
“You still love him. How’s that going for you?” She questioned me in a way that didn’t sound judgmental or disapproving. It felt more like she was concerned about how I was dealing with my heart troubles.
Biting the bottom of my lips, I gave her a shy look as I relaxed because my lip was starting to hurt before I decided to tell her how I felt. “I’m thinking that I may never love another guy the way I love him. I’ve made mistakes, and I will make more in the future, but I wish I could go back and change how I dealt with him before. How I treated him was way more than awful, and I don’t blame him for marrying Edith. She truly does care for him and has never left his side.”
“You may be right about thinking that you won’t ever love another man the way you love him, but I hope this won’t be the case. I’d hate for you to go through that.” She paused, reaching out to hold my hand. “If you fell in love with him, he must’ve done something right. If he said he loved you last year—if what he said was true—then he might still feel the same. It doesn’t matter if it was eight months ago, last week or three days ago—love just doesn’t disappear because of time. Love stays in you, and no matter how you try to name it differently, at the end of the day, it’s still love.”
This was a nice, fanciful thought, but I knew deep down he didn’t. I had thought this through. Because if he truly did, he wouldn’t have left my side the second I got back.
“It’s a one-way street, Mom. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
“Funny how Greyson reminds me so much of his father. If his love is similar to Brett’s… then he might come back to you. They always do. And when they do, there’s no way you’re escaping them. Brett was persistent, but Greyson… that boy will move mountains the second he realizes he wants you in his life.”
Again, it was nice to dream and imagine that day would come, however I didn’t want to argue with Mom. Besides. It wasn’t as if she knew what the heck happened yesterday or the night of Christmas Eve. I had accepted my fate and I needed to just deal with it.
My light brunch with Mom helped my mood a little. Then I drove back to campus, which was about twenty minutes away by freeway from where they lived. It was convenient, yet it gave enough space for everyone to breathe a little.
I had planned a nice, relaxing night while I tried to think about my future when a knock came at the door the moment I was about to take my clothes off to soak in the hot bath.
“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath as I stomped towards the door, yanking it open with force.
“Hey, Olivia,” a stranger greeted me.
Mind you, he was a hot… smoldering hot stranger. Fuck, did I even check my hair?
I cleared my throat before greeting the hot, smoldering man with a flirty smile. “Hey… Have we met before?” I’m sure I wasn’t going to forget a body and face that looked like this if I had met him somewhere.
He grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, but I’m not sure you remember. You were a little wasted then.”
I blushed from head to foot. Fuck, did he see me do something embarrassing? God, I hoped not.
“I’m Patrick. I live five doors down.”
Five. Doors. Down. Damn, that’s really, really close…
“Oh… cool.” I hoped he couldn’t tell I was nervous.
We stared at each other for a second before he smiled again. “I thought you’d might be interested in knowing we’re having game night. Beer Pong. Twister. You know, the usual.”
Usual… sounded interesting. “Yeah… yeah, I’ll be sure to drop by later.” After I groomed and looked more presentable to the rest of mankind.
“Okay, see ya!” He made a flirty wink before disappearing down the hall.
Shutting the door, my eyes were dancing. Who the fuck was that? Greyson who?
That’s right, Greyson who? The universe was clearly on my cheering squad because I didn’t even have to go out and find men; they came knocking on my door.
My mood was lifted, and even though the tiger-eyed man surfaced in and out of my mind, I didn’t let it dampen my party mood.
+++
Two hours later, I found myself five doors down and being greeted by Patrick himself.
There were about fifteen people total and they seemed to welcome me without question. Some were already busy chugging on the kegs while the others played pool and the two old school arcade games tucked against the wall. Patrick introduced me to his friends as he handed me a beer. A guy named Rob came out of nowhere, carrying a four by four mirror like it was a tray as he came closer to me.
“Wanna hit?” he casually offered as if we’d known each other for some time now.
Catching me off guard, I gave him an odd long look before I noted the white, fine, straight lines on the mirror. “I—I don’t do drugs.”
He grinned further as Patrick took a tiny, black straw out of his pocket and then took one line into his nostril. It was as if it was the norm around here.
Rob brightened, settling the mirror in front of my face. “Oh, come on, just try it. It won’t hurt to try.”
“I think I’m good
,” I insisted, but my eyes were glued on it, wondering how it would feel if I just tried it once.
“Come on! I promise I won’t ask you again after this,” he went on. “It’s going to help you feel relaxed. Trust me on this. I wouldn’t offer it to anyone if it was bad for you.”
Oh, fuck it. “Can you make the line small? Maybe like a dot or a quarter of it?”
He did as I asked, parting a line with the use of a credit card before Patrick pulled out a dollar and rolled it tightly then handed it over to me. Swallowing my nervousness down, I forced myself not to think of the consequences and instead thought about how Patrick had done it as quickly as he could. With the rolled dollar in my nostril, I closed my eyes and inhaled as hard as I could.
At first, the burning sensation made me tense as my body mainly focused on that feeling, shocking my system with the drug. Then I felt the effect. It was subtle at first, then the feeling of easiness settled in.
Patrick flung his arm around me, whispering into my ear, “More?”
“Just a little.”
He laughed out loud before taking the mirror away from Rob’s hands and holding it himself. “Go for it, babe. We have more in the stash.”
“Thanks,” I murmured, thinking I might’ve found my new best friend.
Finishing one line, I had never felt better. Things might not be looking so bad after all if I had something like this with me. Grey wasn’t kidding about this stuff. No wonder he had taken great amounts of it to get over me. I was sure that, in no time, I’d be in the same boat as he was.
Chapter 26
Liv
Can I see you?
I stared at the message, blinking back a few times before I realized it wasn’t a drug-induced hallucination. My heart was lodged in my throat when my fingers scrambled to type in my reply.
