Disasters in Dating

by Danielle Allen

  Charles

  Inexplicably, my stomach quivered. Without hearing his voice, without knowing his touch, without knowing much of anything about him, he made my stomach quiver.

  What is it about this guy? I yawned.

  To: Charles In Charge

  From: Desiree

  I deserve to be taken care of. But what makes you think you deserve to be the one to do it?

  Desiree

  To: Desiree

  From: Charles In Charge

  Because you deserve the best.

  Charles

  SOS: Jayson’s Lyric

  Name: Jayson

  Age: 37

  Relationship Status: Single

  Looking For: A Relationship

  Children: 0

  Occupation: Hedge Fund Manager

  Bio: I’m a normal guy with a good job, a good dog, and a good life. I’m looking for something real. I work a lot, but I’ll make time for the woman in my life. I live by the philosophy of work hard, play hard. I like a woman with a sexy walk, killer smile, and shows ambition. Being passionate about something and intelligent are just as sexy as looks and personality to me.

  SOS: Brian’s Song

  Name: Brian

  Age: 33

  Relationship Status: Single

  Looking For: A Relationship

  Children: 0

  Occupation: Chemical Engineer

  Bio: Lover of craft beer, sports, movies, music, reading, and playing the guitar. I am open-minded, free-spirited, inquisitive, down-to-earth, stubborn, kind, and sarcastic. I’m looking for someone smart and funny to binge-watch movies with while we eat fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. If that’s you, swipe right. If you don’t eat chocolate chip cookies, swipe left.

  Chapter 6

  My cheeks hurt from the amount of grinning I’d been doing all Saturday afternoon. I managed to finish editing four columns and submitted them to my supervisor for a final review. I picked out my outfit for a date that night. And as the black charcoal facemask ensured my skin looked its best for my date, I replied to another flirty message from Charles.

  It had been almost two weeks since we matched and as I got to know him and his skilled way of keeping sex on my mind, my attraction to him grew. Without meeting, I felt the chemistry between us. Initially, it was probably the fact that he was a firefighter that did it for me. But as we continued talking, I realized it was more than the fantasy of him taking me in the firehouse. He had a way with words. Our conversations were progressively trending from intense flirting to more sexually explicit.

  Charles: I just listened to your voicemail. Your voice is sexy as hell. The way you say my name… You’re lucky you’re not available tonight.

  Desiree: What would happen if I was available?

  Charles: I’d find a way to make you say my name repeatedly.

  Softly groaning, I closed my eyes and allowed my head to fall back against the couch. My body conjured up memories of things that never happened as a chill ran through my body. Just as I opened my eyes to respond, my phone began to ring.

  “Hi, Dyani,” I answered, grateful for the distraction. I needed to focus on anything but the hot firefighter who spawned salacious thoughts in my mind.

  “You have your first SOS date tonight!”

  I laughed. “Yes, I do.” I looked at the clock. “In four hours, I will be on my second date in less than twenty-four hours with someone I met online.”

  “I’m not going to lie… I might be more excited about this than you are. I’ve been thinking about it all day!”

  I grumbled good naturedly. “I know you have something better to do today. Aren’t you supposed to be introducing Nichelle to one of your old coworkers for wedding makeup stuff? That was today, right?”

  “Yes.”

  The shortness of her answer made my eyebrows come together suspiciously. I opened my mouth to speak but stopped short.

  I turned my head as soon as I heard the unexpected knock at the door. “Um…are you at my door?”

  “No…” Dyani dragged the word out as if she were lying.

  Getting off the couch with an overexaggerated grunt, I padded my way to the door.

  “You’re supposed to be at that meeting—Nichelle!” I swung the door open after peeking out of the peephole.

  “Surprise!” Nichelle said, shaking a bottle of dessert wine in the air.

  I backed up so she could come in and we hugged each other tightly.

  “Hey! What are you doing here?” I repositioned the phone against my face and reached up to lock the door. “Nichelle is here!”

  “So am I!” Dyani announced as she walked in as I was getting the door locked.

  I jumped back to avoid getting hit by the door as she entered. After a quick hug, I ushered them further into the apartment. Nichelle had already gone to get the wine glasses and I didn’t notice until we were heading to the living room that Dyani had a box of vegan cake donuts.

  “What are you two doing here?” I asked as we got comfortable. I went back to my spot on the right side of the couch, Nichelle sat on the left side, and Dyani opted to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table, facing us.

  “We were stood up, so we decided to get some adult snacks and get the story on your date last night and see you off for your date tonight,” Nichelle admitted, pouring wine in the first glass. “And we didn’t want to wait until Sunday at brunch to hear more about these guys.” She handed me the full wine glass with a gleam in her eye. “So, spill, please!”

  I laughed. “Fine.” I took a sip of wine and tucked my legs underneath me. “Last night I went out with Jayson.”

  “And that’s the white guy, dirty blonde hair and green eyes?” Dyani asked as if she were keeping a mental checklist. “Hedge fund guy?”

  I nodded. “Jay was the perfect gentleman. He opened doors, he pulled out chairs, he paid for everything, and he paid to park so he could walk me to my door. Well, the door downstairs. I still didn’t want him to know which apartment I lived in”

  “That’s what you texted us! We came here for details,” Nichelle complained playfully. “Where did he take you? What did you talk about? This was your first, first date in ten years, spill!”

  “Yeah, you’re holding out,” Dyani agreed, her mouth full of donut. “Give us the goods!”

  I looked at Nichelle as she made a face. “I can’t even take her seriously with crumbs and shit falling out of her mouth,” she quipped, gesturing to Dyani.

  I chuckled so hard that my facemask felt like it was cracking. By the time I got myself together, my stomach muscles felt like I’d done five hundred crunches. With a sigh, I told them about my ultra-romantic first date.

  “He wanted to pick me up, but I declined, so he told me to be hungry and to meet him at this bookstore called Next Chapter. I got there at six o’clock on the dot, and he was waiting for me outside of the building. The very first thing I noticed about him was how the green and blue shirt made his eyes stand out.”

  “Did he look like his pictures online?” Dyani asked.

  “I mean, he did…” I cocked my head to the side. “Well, I’ll say this. He looks better in person, and he looked pretty damn good in the photos.”

  Jayson was handsome. His photos online showcased him in more relaxed settings except for the one photo of him at a wedding. He was good looking in a rugged, country boy way. But the man I met on the date was grown and sexy in a well put together kind of way.

  “I wore that tight green dress that I got for the Urbane Christmas Cocktail Party and when he saw me, his eyes lit up.” I paused as I thought about the way my skin heated at the attention. “So, after we exchanged pleasantries, we walked a couple of blocks and ended up at… Château d’amour!”

  “Shut up!” Nichelle squealed, sitting up straight. “For a first date?”

  “He took you to the most expensive restaurant in the city for a first date,” Dyani reiterated staring at me with wide eyes. “Talk about first impr
essions…”

  We’d all been to the restaurant at one time or another, but with dishes starting at one hundred dollars, it was a special occasion kind of place. It wasn’t a place we’d ever heard of anyone we knew going to on a first date.

  I nodded. “He ordered the appetizers for us and some wine. We talked and laughed. It was really nice. Really, really nice. It felt…nice.”

  Nichelle lifted her eyebrows. “But? Because I feel a but hidden in the niceness.”

  “I mean, don’t get me wrong. It was really nice.” I stared between my two friends. “But I kind of felt like he was trying too hard in the beginning. Had I known the restaurant we were going to, I would’ve backed out. I love a man that knows what he wants, but I couldn’t get a grasp on if he saw those things in me over the course of our date or if he just wanted a woman, any woman, to fulfill this idealistic wife role he’s created in his mind.” I paused. “But it was a good time and I would see him again.”

  “Do you like him? What’s his deal? Why’s he single?” Nichelle peppered me with questions as she leaned forward and grabbed a donut.

  “He was—” I started.

  “I swear to God if you say nice again…” Nichelle warned, her hand up as if she was going to slap me.

  I let my mouth hang open before I looked at Dyani—who also had her hand up in slapping formation. “Don’t do it,” she added.

  Narrowing my eyes, I answered. “He was nice.” I let the word hang in the air until I felt the slight sting of my friends lightly slapping at my arms and legs. Laughing, I tried to fight them off to no avail. “Okay, okay, okay, stop, okay!” I surrendered in a flurry of giggles and gasps for air.

  When I caught my breath, I continued again.

  “I enjoyed my time with him. He—” My phone dinged in my lap, causing me to stop mid-sentence. I looked down to check it.

  Charles: I just got to work. If you’re touching yourself thinking about what we talked about, stop. You have a date tonight. If you get off thinking about me, you won’t give the guy tonight a fair shot. Also, if you get off thinking about me, that counts as me getting you off, and I deserve to see it.

  “Who is that? Was that him?” Dyani asked from the floor.

  Desiree: Haha! My friends showed up so no, I’m definitely not touching myself. But if I decided to let you get me off, I’m not going to be the one doing the work.

  “No, no, no…” I put my phone down and looked up at the two of them. “Jay is too much of a gentleman to send that message,” I laughed. “But to answer your question, I had a good time. He seems like an upstanding guy. He talked a lot about wanting to find the one and being ready to settle down. He basically told me he was looking for a wife and that in talking to me this week, he could see potential.” I shrugged. “If he had even bothered to consider the things I’d said in our conversations, he’d know that I’m not even close to that point in my life right now.”

  “Yeah, that’s kind of a red flag… More like a pink flag. Are you going to see him again?” Nichelle wondered as she sipped her wine contemplatively. I could see the wheels turning behind her dark eyes.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, probably. At least one more date. Something a little less over-the-top though. I think he’s a nice guy and definitely a gentleman. He’s smart, funny, interesting, and successful. He fits everything I’m looking for in a man. But something just feels off, and I think it’s because he spent the whole date planning our future. Well, not really, but everything we had in common, he kept saying how that was exactly what he was looking for in a wife. So, the verdict on him is still out. I like him, but he’s doing too much. If he does the same thing next time, I’m going to end it.”

  “Well at least you can squeeze one more nice date out of it,” Dyani reasoned. “That’s the point of dating. To have fun with a mix of different people and see what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want in your next relationship. And if Jay isn’t it, so be it. But it’s important to note that Jay proves that just because a man looks good on paper and looks good in person doesn’t automatically mean he’s exactly what you want after all.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “What about the guy tonight?”

  “Well, Brian…” I smiled. “I actually like him. We’ve talked every night this week, and he’s so funny. I think we’re going to have a good time tonight. We’re going to a movie and then to dinner. If that goes well, maybe a bar.”

  “You smile harder for him than you do for Jay,” Nichelle observed. She looked at Dyani. “Did you notice that? She was smiling about Jay, but she’s straight up grinning about Brian.”

  I giggled. “We just have this natural connection. I can’t explain it. We just vibe.”

  “Was that him that texted you?” Dyani asked.

  I shook my head and bit my lip. “Okay, so once I stopped taking SOS so seriously, I realized how much fun online dating could be. I’m texting a sexy firefighter named Charles. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. But what really gets me hot is his way with words. He talks so much shit.” I licked my lips thinking about what he’d said the night before. I shook off the heat that was creeping up my body. “It’s not anything serious. He isn’t looking for anything serious. It’s just harmless sexting.”

  Nichelle’s lips curled up into a smile. “Let’s say you only had Charles, Brian, and Jay to choose from and you had to pick your mate right now based on what you know about them. Who would you pick?”

  “Brian,” I answered with no hesitation. “He’s cute, funny, and sweet.”

  “You’re the only one with anything interesting going on,” Dyani complained. “You went on your first date last night, and now you have another date tonight, and you’re sexting a third guy. Do you know what I did last night? I made trail mix.”

  “We have to get you out of the house,” Nichelle commented. I nodded as she continued. “You’re an amazing mom to Bali, and you are wife of the year. I mean, come on! You make soap and trail mix and vegan fucking cupcakes, for goodness sakes. But…”

  Dyani’s makeup free face was frozen as just her eyes bounced between us. There was a tense pause before she prodded, “But what?”

  My phone started ringing as the question hung in the air. It wasn’t the time or the place to address Dyani’s growing discontent with her life. So, instead of answering the question, I answered my phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Desiree. It’s Brian.”

  “Hey!” I pulled the phone away from my ear and quizzically eyed the phone number as I rose to my feet. “What number is this?”

  “It’s my work number. My phone died, and I left my charger at home. I didn’t expect to be here this long. Are we still on for tonight?”

  “Yes,” I breathed. I smiled at my friends who were gawking at me as I walked out of the living room toward my bedroom. “And I’m looking forward to it.”

  “Me too. Can’t wait to see that beautiful smile in person,” he replied in a lower tone, making me feel warm and fluttery.

  I glanced at the time. “Do you want to just go straight to the movies since you’re still at work?”

  Brian paused for a second. “Actually, that would be great. That would give me time to go home, shower, and change before meeting up with you.” He chuckled to himself. “I’m sure you would appreciate that.”

  I let out a little laugh. “Yes, bathing before a date is preferred.”

  “Aight, I’m going to go and finish this up so tonight, you can have my undivided attention.”

  “What about the tacos?”

  “You can have my divided attention,” he deadpanned.

  I laughed. “Okay, get your stuff done and I’ll meet you at the theater at seven.”

  A slight chuckle still lingered in his voice. “Looking forward to it.”

  We said our goodbyes and when I walked out of my bedroom and down the short hallway, Nichelle and Dyani were acting like they weren’t listening to my conversation.

  “Heyyyyyy,” they said in unison w
ith huge grins.

  I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t hold in my amusement as I made my way over to the couch. “I can’t deal with you guys right now.”

  Due to my unexpected phone call and my best friends’ inability to stay out of my business, the moment of tension that hovered in the air prior to the call was gone.

  “From the smile on your face, it is safe for us to assume the date is still on,” Nichelle confirmed, eyeing my body language.

  Grabbing my wine glass and putting it to my lips, I nodded.

  Dyani stood to her feet and gathered her long hair into a low ponytail. “What are you wearing?”

  “That pink leotard with the low V-neck and open back and those white pants with the black and pink print on them,” I answered almost giddily.

  The outfit was a personal favorite of mine. The pants I’d gotten a month or two before, but the highlight of the outfit was the top. The leotard was low cut and sexy. Although my full B-cup breasts were relatively small, they were perky enough to go braless and wear the daringly lowcut and backless leotard without incident. The leotard looked so good on me that I purchased one in five different colors for myself for Christmas.

  Dyani nodded in approval. “You look great in pink. Your skin just glows in pink. This is good, this is really good.” She paced back and forth. “I have a really good feeling.”

  Nichelle sipped her wine. “Well, of course you have a good feeling. Desi is going full Beyoncé in her leotard tonight.” She lifted her glass. “To Beyoncé.”

  Without missing a beat, Dyani and I lifted our glasses. “To Beyoncé.”