Ache

by S. M. Soto

  My heart bangs against my chest, waiting on her response. I just need one day with her. A few hours—that’s all I need to feel close to her again. Maybe, just maybe I’ll finally be able to let go of our past like she obviously has.

  Bea’s eyes widen at my suggestion, like I just asked her something unheard of, like if she’d be game to rob a bank with me. She shakes her head adamantly, opens her mouth to say something then closes it, thinking better of it.

  “I can’t. You can’t.” She fumbles, trying to find a good enough excuse. But it’s too late, I already caught the spark of intrigue that flashed in her eyes. It was short lived, but it was there. She wants to be near me just as much as I want to be near her, too. And that makes me happier than fuck else.

  “I have work after classes, I couldn’t ask you to do that. Seriously, Liam, you probably have a million other things to do and—.”

  “As a matter of fact, I don’t,” I say, cutting her off. “I don’t mind, Bea. It’s only a ride.”

  I stare at her intently, watching the cogs turn in her head. There’s fear, apprehension, and if I’m not mistaken a bit of excitement. It’s all there, clear as day on her beautiful face.

  Her eyes dart to her car then back to me, like she knows this is her only option.

  That’s exactly what I was betting on.

  “Okay,” she whispers in an unsure tone.

  I smile, doing my best to put her frayed nerves at ease, and when she smiles back, my heart beats a little faster and my stomach does an uncomfortable flip that I’m not used to. It’s like everything is finally right in the world. That one smile is all I need. It’s the kind of smile that would bring any man to his knees. It’s a Bea kind of smile.

  We walk along the sidewalk in silence, until we get to my truck. I hear Bea’s intake of breath and I smirk. I’ve had this truck for most of my teenage years. This is a truck Bea and I remember fondly. It’s one of the many reasons I’ve kept it.

  Unlocking the door, we hop in, and instead of starting the truck and taking off like she thinks, I open the glove compartment and pull out the first aid kit. Her brows dip into a frown as I gather two large band-aids, some Neosporin and alcohol wipes.

  “Let me see your elbows,” I say as I tear open the alcohol packets ready to clean the marred skin. She does as I say, jutting out both arms in awkward positions, giving me access to her elbows.

  “This is going to sting a little, okay?”

  She nods her head, and clenches her eyes shut, preparing herself. The first dab against the wound I feel her stiffen in her seat. She sucks in a pained hiss, and it makes me want to coddle her—take care of her. I don’t want her to hurt. Even if it is just from a damn scrape on her elbow.

  Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with me?

  After cleaning both wounds, adding Neosporin and the band-aids, I lift my gaze to hers, ready to tell her I’m finished but I stop short. Bea’s staring up at me the way she used to, six years ago. There’s so much emotion in her gaze it’s painful to look at, but my sweet Bea is so incredibly beautiful to stare at that I don’t ever want to turn away.

  “Thank you, Liam,” she whispers. My name falling off those beautiful plump lips does strange things to me. There’s a blissful ache in my heart that yearns for her in any way I can have her.

  Righting myself, I nod my head, not quite sure how I’m feeling, and start the truck. We ride in silence and I use this time to try to understand the beguiling girl next to me.

  The silence in the truck is borderline uncomfortable, that is until Liam turns on the radio. I close my eyes against the headrest, letting the beat of the music soothe me. My mind is waging an internal war, there’s so much going on in my head and my body, it’s nearly impossible to keep up. I’m so nervous to be this close to him that my stomach is flipping wildly, like I’m on a roller coaster at an amusement park. On top of being nervous, I’m sad. I’m so incredibly sad that I’ve gone six years without him by my side.

  A small smile tugs at my lips as I think of how it felt when he was touching me. He was so gentle as he cared for my wounds. His brows pinched together when he heard my intake of breath, it was almost as if seeing me in pain was difficult for him. It warmed my heart.

  Running my palm over the leather seats, a sense of nostalgia hits me. This truck brings back so many memories it’s hard to narrow it down to just one in particular. My eyes drift to his side profile, one arm slung haphazardly on the steering wheel while the other rests on the windowsill. His hair is just as wild and unruly as it was when we were kids, and if possible, it looks even better now than it did then.

  The rugged look suits him. His face, though matured, has only gotten more handsome over the six years we spent apart. His jaw is strong, dusted with a light smattering of scruff, and his cheekbones are chiseled to perfection. My eyes drift lower, settling on his broad shoulders. His body has changed so much over the years, its blatantly obvious Liam is a man, and not the boy next door anymore.

  The letters engrained into the dashboard, right above the radio, catch my attention. My breathing stops and my heart flutters viciously. The letters B plus L are still encased in the same heart I drew around them when I carved it into his truck. That had to be at least seven or eight years ago. He didn’t try to cover it or carve over it, if anything, it looks just as good as it did the day I carved it.

  My eyes drift back up to him, and my brow creases as I try to figure out the man sitting next to me. I know next to nothing about this Liam. I don’t know what he does for a living, if he has a girlfriend back home. I don’t know his likes or dislikes anymore. We’re essentially strangers to each other now. I guess time apart will do that.

  I want to know Liam, the boy I fell in love with, and the man he is now, but I’m afraid of the things I’ll uncover. What if he’s not the same man that I fell in love with? I sure as hell am not the same girl I was years ago.

  “I can’t believe you still have this truck.” I say, unable to stop myself. Some sadistic part of me wants, no, needs to know why he still has this truck, and why the carving is still there.

  “It’s my traveling truck. I couldn’t ever get rid of it. Holds some of my best memories,” he says and the look he gives me makes me blush, remembering those memories.

  “Liam,” I say with a laugh as he continues kissing my neck. His tongue swirls against my skin making me breathless. My core throbs painfully and my nipples pebble against Liam’s favorite lace bra. “Can’t you wait until we get to the field? At least then we can lay down and look at the stars,” I pant.

  Liam stops kissing my neck, and pulls away, the look in his eyes makes me clench my legs together, trying to relieve the ache I feel there.

  “No, I can’t, sweet Bea, because what I want to do to you, I don’t want anyone to see. You are mine. All of you. Got that, baby?”

  I lick my dry lips, nod my head, and swallow thickly. My panties are so wet I’m worried it’ll seep through my shorts soon. His words excite me. His ownership makes me hot, because I want to be his.

  Liam parks the truck at the curb of the field and turns to me with heat in his eyes. Unable to help myself, I unbuckle my seatbelt, launching myself into his arms. I crawl over the center console, rubbing my body against his.

  Slamming my mouth over his, I kiss him, silently begging for more. His tongue tangles with mine and a jolt of pleasure zaps me in my core eliciting a moan. Liam crowds me back into the seat, pulling the lever so the seat will drop down. He slides the lever so the seat will glide back, giving him room to move around freely. His mouth never once leaves mine. We don’t bother coming up for air.

  Somehow, he manages to slide down to his knees before me. With a sexy grin on his face he pulls my shorts and underwear down my legs, barring my sopping heat to him.

  “Fuck, Bea, you are so goddamn beautiful,” he growls, trailing his finger through my wet folds.

  My eyes flutter closed against the heat building in my core. Dipping his head down, he
swipes his tongue through my wetness and I groan, so loud, anyone outside of the truck could hear.

  “Tell me, Bea. Tell me you want more,” he whispers gravelly as he sucks on me with a mouth that’s so skillful, I should be angry, but I’m not.

  “More, Liam.” I pant, rocking my hips into his face. I don’t know what’s happening to my body, but I do know I need more.

  I need all of him.

  “Oh god, Liam,” I breathe. His tongue flutters over the bundle of nerves and something warm swirls in my belly. Building stronger and stronger with each lick, suck, and nip. He licks my folds, devouring me like I’m his last meal.

  Just then, he slips a finger inside me and my back arches off the seat, a wave of euphoria crashing through my body. He continues lapping at my core and I gasp. The feeling is indescribable. It’s exhilarating, leaving me feeling wanton and breathless. His tongue swirls around my clit and my hands fly into his hair. My hips grind over his mouth in a race of sorts.

  When Liam slides another finger deep inside, I scream as the shocks and waves of my orgasm tear through me and into his waiting mouth.

  Heat crawls up my neck and my core throbs, almost painfully at the memory. My skin tingles in awareness. The memory was so vivid I could almost feel his touch on my body, even now.

  “Some of the best memories,” I say in agreement, staring out the window to hide the blush covering my face. I don’t have the balls to ask about the carving on the dashboard, not after that. I’m afraid if I turn to him and ask him anything else, he’ll know exactly what I was thinking. What I was remembering.

  We ride in a comfortable silence and when he pulls to a stop outside of the building where my astronomy class is held, sadness engulfs me when I realize our time together is done. I’m not ready for it to be over.

  “What time should I pick you up?”

  “I can’t let you do that, Liam. A ride here was more than enough, thank you. I can ask my friend for a ride home.”

  “Please, Bea, I want to,” he says, the seriousness of his tone making me freeze. I search his eyes, seeing the same thing reflected in my own—longing.

  “I’m out at five. You can pick me up here?” I offer, still sounding unsure.

  He smiles, revealing that lone dimple in his cheek that had me falling in love with him all those years ago. “Sounds good.”

  I hop out of the truck with a wave, subtly shaking my head to myself as I walk away. I can’t believe that Liam Falcon, the boy next door, the one who stole my heart, is back here, with me, offering me rides. It’s almost impossible to wrap my head around.

  “You’re glowing. I can’t tell if it’s the hair, or if it’s you.” Melody says, scrutinizing me from her position at her desk. I fight back a grin that makes my heart smile.

  “I think it’s me,” I say with a smile, my mind drifting to Liam.

  “Are you ready to breathe yet?” she asks, and I clench my eyes shut, remembering

  Connor’s harsh words from last night.

  “I want to. I just…I’m scared.” I peak at her through my lashes. Her piercings glint in the light and she gives me a reassuring smile.

  “I was scared too, Bea. I know you don’t want to tell your story, I know what it feels like to be so afraid for your life and loved ones that you think it’s better to stay silent, but it isn’t. It’s okay to be afraid—at least you’re feeling something and haven’t shut down completely.”

  Once the professor settles at the podium, we both open our textbooks ready to highlight sections and take down notes. Halfway into the lecture I turn to Melody. She doesn’t notice my staring, and if she does, she doesn’t say anything about it.

  If you were to look at Melody, you’d never think she was a sexual abuse victim. She looks…normal. With vibrant hair, a colorful personality and a heart made of gold, I can’t help but wonder what happened in her home.

  “What happened to you, Melody?”

  She drops her pen and shifts in her seat, facing me, almost like she’s been waiting for this moment to come. I search her eyes for answers that I’m sure aren’t pretty. Melody props her fist under her chin and fixes her gaze on the ceiling as she plays back memories of her past.

  “My neighbor’s dad. It started when I was thirteen. I knew it was wrong, but I was just so…afraid. Then, by the time I was fifteen I felt disgusted with myself because I still didn’t know how to speak up. He was my friend’s father. I couldn’t hurt her or her family. But in the end, I did anyway. It was inevitable. She was angry with me, even blamed me, saying I came onto him. I let her think whatever she wanted because I knew deep down, she knew the truth, she was just too afraid to admit it.” Melody blows out a breath, her mouth crooked in a sad smile. “I lost my best friend that day. It was hard, but I eventually got over the pain. I decided I wouldn’t let him ruin anything else in my life. Not my happiness, future relationships, even my future friendships.”

  Dabbing the corner of my eye, I place my hand over hers and squeeze. I squeeze for the little girl who had to live through that. I squeeze for the girl who lost her best friend. And I squeeze because I understand it. All of it.

  “I’m so sorry, Melody,” I whisper, fighting back tears.

  “Don’t be.” She squeezes back. “I’m happy, Bea. I can finally breathe again.”

  We sit in silence for the remainder of the class. I want to tell her everything, I do. But I can’t. The words are stuck on my tongue. Sealed on my lips.

  Strolling out of class, voices and laughter swirl around us without a care. The very air around the campus is so positive, yet, I feel anything but. Melody’s bravery, her strength, it’s weighing heavily on me. Mainly because I know I’ll never be as strong as she is. I want to, god, do I want to, but I…I just can’t.

  “My first boyfriend is back in town.” I say out of the blue, needing to get it out of my system—off my chest. In my peripheral she swings her head to me and stops walking.

  “And you still love him.” She observes with her head cocked to the side. I turn to her with a sad smile and lift my shoulders in a helpless shrug.

  “I never stopped.” Tears sting my eyes, and the familiar ache in my heart returns. “When he left all those years ago, I was so devastated and heartbroken. It was like everything came crashing down, then Connor happened...”

  “And that’s when everything went to shit,” she says, finishing for me and I give a self-depreciating laugh. That really is the best way to put it.

  “He took my heart with him that day he left, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it back.”

  “If he’s back in town, what’s stopping you from getting it back?”

  A lone tear slips out of the corner of my eye and my heart clenches. “I don’t want to. If anyone’s going to have it, I want it to be him.”

  “Oh, Bea,” she whispers pulling me into her arms. “If he’s what you want, you need to fight for him, or at the very least, let him fight for you.”

  I give Melody a watery smile. I’m half convinced she’s a godsend.

  After work, I hurry through campus to get to the front entrance of the building, so I can wait for Liam. It doesn’t take long. The Lakeport branch of Mendocino isn’t very big compared to a full campus. My heart races at an unhealthy rate, and my stomach is in such a tumultuous state, I feel like I’m going to be sick. It’s not the bad kind of sick, but the good kind—the one where you’re so completely nervous you feel like you don’t have a handle on anything in your body, no matter how many deep breaths you take to center yourself.

  Much to my surprise, Liam’s already there, waiting. The black pickup sits idling at the curb, and suddenly, it feels like someone’s playing the steel drums in my stomach. The air shifts the closer I get to the truck, clogging my senses. I can feel his stare on me. The intensity of it warms me from head to toe, making me feel self-conscious and even a little excited.

  When Liam left Lakeport six years ago, I thought I’d lost everything, including the way
he made me feel. But I was wrong. So wrong. Now that he’s back, the feelings and emotions he elicits hit harder than I ever thought possible.

  “Hi.” My voice wobbles with nerves as I climb in the truck beside him. Liam shoots me a crooked grin.

  “Hey. How are the elbows?”

  Heat rushes to my face as I rub my fingertips over one of the band-aids. I had completely forgotten about my meltdown earlier this morning. I can’t even imagine what he thinks. It couldn’t have been an attractive sight, watching me kick-punch my rage out on my car.

  “They’re fine. In all honesty, I completely forgot about it. And I’m sorry by the way. I don’t usually act that…crazy.”

  Liam fights back a smile, shooting me an undecipherable look. “I get it. We all have those days.” He reaches in the cup holder and dangles my keys. “As promised, here are your keys. And if you’re worried, your car is in perfect condition, I didn’t need to break the window to get in or anything.”

  A small laugh bubbles up my throat as I take the keys. The corners of my mouth tip into a genuine smile as I thank him. He shrugs like it’s no big feat, and shifts gears, pulling onto the road.

  My shoulders settle in ease as I rest back into the comfortable seat of the truck. The engine hums and the tires roll beneath us as he pulls onto the freeway. Lush green trees whip past my window, it’s almost impossible to focus on one. I can feel his heat in the compact space of his truck. I can smell his intoxicating scent in the air around us. It’s almost like my body is finely attuned to his, even now.

  Our elbows just barely graze on the arm rest, and I freeze. Electricity shoots through my body, thrumming through my veins making me feel more alive than I ever have in my entire life.

  Snatching my elbow off the rest, I wring my hands together nervously in my lap, trying to keep myself busy. I look at Liam out of the corner of my eye to see his reaction, and surprise engulfs me when I realize he’s smirking.

  He did it on purpose.