by Tracy Sharp
None of the women wore make-up. I saw no jewelry, not even a watch on any of them. The closest they came to adornments were barrettes and clips that held their hair back. It looked as if any woman who had shorter hair was trying to grow it out.
Their clothes were simple, nothing fancy. They were allowed to wear jeans and slacks at least. Thank God. I didn’t know if I could stay there if I wasn’t allowed to wear my jeans.
Then again, I might’ve moved past the point where I had any choice in anything now.
* * *
Dinner was delicious, vegetable soup and homemade bread. It appeared that most things were homemade at the compound. They lived a fairly simple, but extremely busy life. Other than sitting and eating, it didn’t appear like anyone spent time just hanging out. It wasn’t a vacation, that’s for sure.
The women worked especially hard. There were men, but the women outnumbered them sharply. It looked as if it were a ratio of about three women to one man. I didn’t think this was an accident. Gabriel was a misogynist through and through. His hatred for women had started at an early age, I guessed, and he’d just nurtured that hostility throughout the years. The men worked around the compound, mostly doing outdoor work. They were allowed to hang back while the women scurried around cleaning up. But I was sure that they were kept busy enough to keep them from allowing their minds to idle much. Their every thought had to be about the family. Everything was “for the family”. Gabriel had his very own little socialist community at the compound. Fear and the mistrust of strangers were heavily encouraged.
These were things I picked up within only a couple of hours of being at the commune. I kept my head down and my ears open. Each time I glanced up, I saw Gabriel’s eyes on me, and I felt my skin creep and crawl on my bones.
I wondered where I’d sleep that night, and my nerves jittered. I hadn’t thought about the possibility of Gabriel trying to crawl into bed with me.
As if on cue, he said, “Are you tired, little one?” His grin was slightly obscene. His small, even teeth reminded me of a shark’s grin.
I nodded, “Yeah.”
“Meredith, show Leah where the women sleep.” He never took his eyes off me. “We’ll talk again tomorrow. Give you a tour and show you what we’re all about here at the commune.”
I nodded once and stood as Meredith’s chair scraped across the floor.
Gabriel stood from his place at the head of the long table, and wrapped me in a long embrace before kissing me on the forehead and saying, “We’re so glad you’re here, Leah.”
Meredith led me to a staircase. We climbed the stairs to a second floor. What I saw made me stop dead in my tracks.
“I know. It freaked me out at first too,” she said, smiling at me. “But it’s actually nice to be in a room with all the sisters. It’s comforting. Nobody is alone here. With Gabriel, you’ll never have to be alone again, if you choose to accept his love in your heart.”
I looked at the double rows of beds, all side by side, with only a couple of feet between them. They were all covered with the same, grey, fleece blankets, and each bed had one pillow. Every bed was made neatly, military style, not a crease could be seen anywhere.
I felt her hand curl into mine. “Come. Sleep now.”
I followed her to the far end of the enormous room, looking up at the wooden beams in the ceiling. Anywhere else, I’d have thought those beams were cool. Here, they looked utilitarian; bare.
A clear, bright sense of dread slithered up my spine and once again I felt numb, and so very cold.
She bent down and turned the blanket and sheet down; a gesture I knew was an effort to make me feel more comfortable and at home. Then she turned to me and placed her hands into both of mine, as a little girl would. I had a flash of my little sister, her smile mischievous as she leaned in and whispered something in my ear.
Just as Meredith was doing now, her lips brushed against my earlobe, almost as a lover’s would. “Sleep, and if you’re very lucky, Gabriel will come for you in the night.”
* * *
Gabriel didn’t come, but one of the sister’s shook me awake during the middle of the night. My watch read that it was three a.m. I was shivering as I came awake instantly, sitting straight up on the narrow bed. The realization that I wasn’t in my warm bed at home with Callahan made my heart start hammering in my chest. I felt so lonesome for him that I wanted to cry, and I regretted the trigger quick decision to come with Gabriel and his women instead of sticking with the initial plan.
Still, I knew that if I’d done that, the other women with Gabriel would’ve most certainly been beaten again.
“Leah,” she whispered. “I’m Ivy. I’m sure you don’t remember my name. There are so many of us.”
I nodded, wanting to climb back under the covers. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to stop shivering.
“Gabriel wants to show you something,” Ivy said, taking my hand.
That was funny. I wanted to show Gabriel something too, the barrel end of a gun. Suddenly I realized I was pissed off that I was there. I was furious at Gabriel for even existing. The last thing I wanted to do was entertain him while he played show and tell to amuse himself. “What does he want to show me?”
“Come downstairs and you’ll find out,” Ivy whispered, leading me across the long, darkened room toward the staircase.
I heard the crackling of a fire as we descended the stairs, and I smelled wood burning. I’d seen two large fireplaces so far, and several wood burning stoves. Apparently the group used wood as their primary heating source. Yet barely any of the heat travelled upstairs. Gabriel apparently wasn’t all that concerned with the comfort level of his faithful flock.
He sat in a chair in front of the fire. Turning his blonde head, he smiled at me, gesturing to the chair next to him.
I couldn’t wait to get near that fire. I felt raw from the inside out. It occurred to me that this was one of the ways that Gabriel broke down the will of his members. By keeping them cold, he weakened them. Then he’d throw them a bone, like he was doing with me now, allowing me a chance to warm myself near the fire. He’d make them feel grateful.
“I love a fireplace,” I said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He reached over to the side table next to his chair and lifted a mug of something steaming and smelling of heaven, and offered it to me. “I made you one, too. I hope you like marshmallows.”
“Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I want this right now.” And I did. I held the mug under my nose and breathed deeply of the rich, chocolate aroma. This was no pre-packaged stuff either. It was the real deal. He’d made the hot chocolate with milk and real cocoa. I lifted the mug to my lips and took a sip, and my eyes almost rolled back in my head with ecstasy. “Oh. My God.”
When I opened my eyes I was taken by how happy his smile was. He seemed genuinely glad that I was enjoying the cocoa. Pleased as hell with himself.
“Is it sweet enough, too sweet? I didn’t know what you like, so I just took a chance and made it the way I like it.”
“It’s absolutely perfect. Wow.” The man may be pond scum, but he made a mean mug of hot chocolate.
“Worth getting up in the middle of the night for,” He asked me, reaching for his own mug.
“Oh yeah. Though I am a huge fan of sleep.” I took another sip of liquid heaven, letting the fluid linger on my tongue. “I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”
“What happened to you, Leah?” His face was serious and beautiful in the flickering light of the flames.
I left the chair and sat cross legged on the floor to be closer to the fire, reveling in its heat and staring into it and watching it dance. “Hypnotic, isn’t it?”
“I could stare at a fire forever.” His voice was soft and low. He waited for me to answer his question.
“It was a lot of things, Gabriel, just too many things. You know? I just kind of lost myself. And I don’t really know how to get myself back.” I was
startled by the fact that I was actually telling him the truth.
At that moment, I felt the emotional gaping hole in the center of me so profoundly that I couldn’t seem to shut the hell up. It was a helpless feeling, but somehow I felt that I was the one gaining control of him, just by virtue of choosing to tell him.
He leaned forward, a barely perceptible smile on his lips, hanging on my every word. A light went off in my head. The clear sense of something clicking into place, and I grabbed on to it. I was the one with the power. It could’ve been just an illusion but right then I didn’t much give a damn. I’d put myself into a very bad position, and the alternative, running out into the freezing cold with Gabriel’s minions close at my heels like a pack of dogs, didn’t much appeal to me.
“What was the straw?” He asked me, his voice like velvet in the silence of the room. “There’s always a straw.”
The one that broke the camel’s back. That straw had been Caroline.
I modified the truth a little. I wouldn’t tell him that I was a private eye hired to find a girl kidnapped by her abusive and controlling boyfriend. “It was the daughter of a friend of mine. We got her back from her nutcase boyfriend. She was staying with me. I guess I was really tired and I didn’t hear him break into my house.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was still so hard to talk about. “He slit her throat while I slept in the next room.” I sipped more cocoa, swallowed back the scream that always rose from my throat whenever I spoke or even thought about it. The cocoa was losing its heat, but I kept my hands wrapped around the mug just the same.
“That,” his voice genuinely sad, “is truly horrible.”
He didn’t bother to tell me that it hadn’t been my fault. I guess he knew I’d heard it many times before and that I hadn’t believed it all those times and I wouldn’t believe it now. It was pointless to say.
I cleared my throat, which felt too tight. “Yes, it is.”
“You see, that is partly what is wrong with this world. Women and children aren’t safe even in their own beds or in the beds of trusted friends and family.”
I heard the creaking of the chair as he leaned further forward. I could almost feel his breath at the back of my neck, though he wasn’t quite that close to me. Yet. I felt like asking him how safe the women were here, at his compound, when their feet were so sore that they could barely walk.
Screw it. I turned to face him. “What happened to the feet of the women who were with you today and of some of the others here? I noticed them limping, favoring their feet. They seem to have a hard time moving around.”
He leaned back into his chair again. “One of our sisters lost her way. A terrible thing happened. Her baby died shortly after birth. So she left. ” He sighed heavily. “I guess she couldn’t stand the memories. She went running out into the woods, and several of the sisters went after her. They got up out of their beds and didn’t stop to put shoes or slippers on. They went after her in their bare feet.”
I watched his face, saying nothing.
“They ran after her, through the woods, over the frost, ice, rocks, twigs, for hours. Even long after they’d lost her, they kept searching.”
I shuddered, chilled through my skin again. Part of me wanted to climb right into the fire to get the image of these women tearing up their feet in the frosty night out of my head. Was it concern for Noel that had kept these women running after her? Or was it fear of Gabriel’s wrath if they failed to bring her back?
“I had to send out a search party for that search party.” He chuckled.
“Wow,” I said. Feeling like I had to say something.
“We are committed to each other here, Leah. You’ve never seen anything like it. I can promise you that.”
“I believe you.” I really hadn’t seen anything like it. I hoped like hell I wouldn’t see anything like it again, if I ever got out of there. My eyes felt heavy. I was suddenly so tired I didn’t know if I could keep them open.
Gabriel took the mug from me and picked me up, snaking an arm under my legs and one under my arms. I knew I should feel alarmed, but I was too tired to care. I felt a cool, smooth surface beneath me, and a soft pillow under my cheek. A blanket covered me and I felt myself snuggle deep beneath it.
And then I was gone.
Sometime in the quiet, black night I dreamed of a warm breath on my throat. Of warm fingers between my legs, and I quivered in ecstasy, delicious pleasure rippling over me until the orgasm faded and I dropped back under the waves of sleep.
* * *
When I awoke I was still on the couch, the blanket on top of me. I smelled strong, rich coffee and I again heard the crackle of the fire place.
“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” Gabriel said. “It’s time for breakfast.” He stood in the doorway between the living room and kitchen areas, looking angelic. His wavy blonde hair shone like a halo around his head.
My stomach growled, calling to the smell of bacon. I sat up and blinked several times, my mind fuzzy. The entire experience was disorienting to me because I’d spent most of my life as a loner, but here I’d been with people for as long as I’d been at the compound.
I looked at the smiling faces around me. People seemed happy. Perhaps many of them actually were. Who knew what their lives had been like before they’d joined the cult? I’d thought of the kids I’d seen on the streets, escaping something worse back home than turning tricks for money. Kids who would consider that kind of life a happier existence in comparison to the ones that they led.
It happened. But then, a cult was a cult. Wasn’t it? And safety was an illusion, because what if the time came to drink the Kool-aid? When that time came, there was no walking away. Loyal cult members made certain of that.
I thought of the babies who had supposedly died. Something was going on here, and I needed to find out what it was.
Christ, my mind was foggy.
“Come on, Leah. Take your seat at the table.” Gabriel gestured to a seat at the long table, the series of tables, really, next to him. Apparently I was something special. New recruit. Be that as it may, I was starving.
And it was delicious. The coffee was rich, the bacon and pancakes incredible.
Still, I felt so tired. I wondered, not for the first time since I’d walked into the compound, if I’d bitten off more than I could chew. Then I looked at Julia from across the table, her round belly and rosy cheeks. She seemed to be always smiling, and one hand always rested on her belly, lightly caressing. I couldn’t string two thoughts together. One would begin and fade before it was really fully developed.
I looked across the table at the other pregnant women. If something wasn’t done, the same fate that had come to Noel’s and Nita’s babies might befall these unborn infants. I felt my stomach clench, and as groggy and bone tired as I was, I straightened my back and smiled back at all those peaceful, happy faces.
After breakfast we were taken to another building not far from the main one. There was a small path to walk, over which empty tree branches hung. The grass had turned white with the sudden frost that had covered it. The air was damp and bitter, and I wrapped my arms around myself to keep myself a little warmer.
Gabriel came up beside me. “That jacket isn’t very warm for this weather. I think we can find you a warmer one. We have some spares in the downstairs area of the main house. You’re welcome to take whatever you like.”
I smiled at him. “That’s really nice of you. Thank you.”
He placed a hand on my lower back. “We take care of our own here. I’m sure it’s not what you’re used to, but you’ll see that it’s true. You won’t find a more loving group than this one.”
“I’m sure you’re right.” I heard dogs barking in the distance. “What is that?”
“Oh, we take in strays here. We feed them and find them new homes. We have a website, and we feature photos of all our pets for potential families of these animals. Come on, I’ll show you.”
The other members co
ntinued on to the next building while Gabriel led me to a structure a little further away. It was a large wooden building, one floor, not large in width but long.
“This is where our furry guests stay until we find them homes.” He took me around to the back of the building where an enormous fenced in area contained several dogs of all shapes, sizes and types.
“This is fantastic.” It seemed that the group really did care about the well-being of homeless and abused animals. “How do they come to be here?”
“We keep tabs on the local shelters in the area that practice euthanasia on animals whose time there has run out. We give them a second chance. None of the animals here are ever killed. We keep them as long as they need to stay.”
I bit my lip, suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. My eyes filled and I covered my face with my hands, turning away. I tried to swallow back tears before they fell.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Leah. What is it?”
It was a long moment before I could talk. “I lost my dog a few months back, a Rottweiler that I had rescued from a terrible home. He’d been in horrible condition, all skin and bones and I really think he would’ve died if I hadn’t taken him in.”
Gabriel’s mouth turned downward, his face red. “That is despicable. Somebody should’ve treated his owner the same way.”
“Somebody probably had while he was growing up, but it’s no excuse, is it? I could have cheerfully shot the bastard.”
“So could I, Leah.”
I took in a shaky breath. “I had Buddy for four years. Cancer took him. I had to put him down. But I waited too long, Gabriel. I should’ve done it sooner and he suffered before I finally did what I should’ve done long before. He’d had several surgeries and I thought he was fine. He wasn’t.”
