Falling For Him

by Khardine Gray

  Jesus, what the hell was happening to me?

  “Open mind,” Rachel nodded.

  Open mind.

  “I –” she cut me off.

  “Open mind. Forget about Brian. Zoe, you’ve always been so careful at picking specific guys that are safe options, but if you ask me that plan went to hell. It was a terrible plan anyway because I don’t think you actually loved any of them.”

  “Joey. I loved him.” At least I think I did. I actually don’t know now, because now I’m starting to doubt that my feelings I considered to be love were love. He never left me feeling like this from one kiss.

  “Joey?” Rachel gave me a look of disdain, like she couldn’t believe I would mention him.

  “Yes, I thought I loved him. Rachel he was my longest relationship.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything. You guys met in college, you were young and impressionable. You stayed with him that long because he was the first man you’d ever been with.” Rachel explained me like she’s reading a book or some sort of manual that helps describe how I work.

  “You don’t think I loved him?” Since she seems to be the keeper of this Zoe manual I’m real interested to hear what she thought.

  “Zoe if you think you loved him then I can’t tell you that you didn’t. What I can tell you is that when you practically, selectively hand pick someone based on a list of what you think is good, it doesn’t always work that way. I think for any relationship to have any meaning it should have that spark of attraction. That thing that makes it so you can’t get enough of each other, and you’re always excited to see your guy.”

  I pressed my lips together and lowered my gaze to the hardwood of the table, getting lost in the swirly patterns made from the natural oakwood.

  My mind instantly went back to the other week when I was thinking about my father. That night when I was burning the stuff I had from Brian.

  Everything she said just now, that’s it. Those were the same conclusions I came to. Only, she picked up on something I didn’t quite acknowledge. That spark of attraction that gives a relationship meaning. I’ve never felt what she’s talking about, and while I know that’s exactly what a relationship should feel like I think I would be scared to feel that way about anybody.

  I was stunned at the realization that I didn’t think I loved Joey. I’m stunned that the only example I have so far of the attraction Rachel is referring to happened to me this morning, with Tristan.

  “Did I hit a nerve?” Rachel asked giving me a soft smile when I returned my gaze to her.

  “Yes,” I confess.

  “Zoe, trust me sweetie, you have to stop this restraint you place on yourself.”

  Restraint. Yes, I saw that now with such perfect clarity. I definitely did put a restraint on myself. “How about listening to your body, how about listening to what you feel? Have you ever done that?”

  I really look at her and I’m thinking of the answer. It was always the same.

  I didn’t want to bring up thoughts of my father again but if I’m being honest with myself I have to think of him as part of my problem. I brought to the forefront of my mind my analysis of the safe options I chose.

  I didn’t want to end up like my mother. Being with a playboy who couldn’t be true to her. I thought of the strong woman she was more often than not, but I can’t help but think of the times when I’d seen her at her worst. It took my mother years to get over my father.

  I promised myself I would never fall for anyone like that. Anyone who could break me down the way my father did to my mother.

  “It’s okay, I know the answer to that. It’s him isn’t it?” She now gave me a soft look of sympathy. “Your father?”

  I nodded. “I’ve never listened to my body because I’m scared to have serious heartbreak. I’m scared of being with someone who could hurt me the way my father did when he left.” I always thought of how my mother felt when I think of him, but never myself.

  When I was little I used to think my dad was some kind of superhero. Everything was better when he was around. My mom was at ease, and calm. She was happy until he’d go away for days. I always thought he was away with work, and when I found out what he was really up to, and the playboy that he was it crushed me. I was about eight when my eyes were open. I saw him holding another woman’s hand, and I would never forget the way he was around her. He didn’t think I knew what was going on, but I did, and by the time he left it was no surprise to me. I think though that I thought he’d just move away.

  I never expected to be completely abandoned.

  Rachel reaches across the table and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. I looked up to her and tried to smile but it faltered.

  “You can’t live like that, like this. Not taking risks and trying to control everything.”

  “I know.” I admit. “But Tristan…”

  A saucy smile lifts the corners of her mouth. “Take the risk Zoe, and damn it take the man.”

  “Rachel, you are so crazy.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m giving you permission to listen to your body, give in to temptation for once in your life. He wants you to.”

  I thought about it, or rather I try not to think about all the reasons why I shouldn’t go down this road. The way I felt this morning comes to my mind as I pushed aside my worries.

  Risk, that’s what calls to me.

  Risk fueled by desire. I’m scared, but I can’t deny that what she was saying sounds real good. That kiss was really good, I felt it all over my body.

  I don’t have to try hard to conjure up an image of Tristan with his perfect, perfect body. Every muscle defined within an inch of its life.

  I saw his perfectly chiseled torso, made the way you’d expect on an athlete. I knew he didn’t play anymore, but he said he’ll be damned if he’ll allow any of the players he’s managing to look better than him. And, that he’d rather be dead than let himself go. The results of his mantra equals what I can only compare to what I imagine the Greek Gods to look like, and I think as much when I remember times I’d seen statues of them. Except Tristan comes with tattoos, something I secretly drool over on a guy. And he has one just for me.

  I’m tired of the restraint I place on myself.

  Rachel’s smile brightens when she saw that I’m coming to the decision.

  Take the risk and take the man?

  Yes, I want to.

  Yes, I want to do it. I want to listen to my body. I should listen to my body.

  I don’t want maybe’s or any worries interrupting my needs.

  For once in my life I will listen to my body. I will listen to how I feel.

  Forget Brian and all the others. Forget everything.

  My body wants Tristan.

  Chapter 8

  Tristan

  I never thought this could happen to me.

  I never thought that I could be so obsessed with one woman that I couldn’t think straight or focus. I was useless at the drafts. Completely useless. I watched the players, we picked but that usual care I’d bring to the table wasn’t there.

  It wasn’t there because I was thinking about a woman when I should have been doing my job.

  And, not just any woman. This was Zoe.

  Shit, I thought about Zoe, and about how much I wanted her.

  Thank God for Gibbs. I felt like if he wasn’t there I would have put myself to shame with my spaced-out look and airheaded demeanor. Shit, I had to lie and say that I was coming down with a cold and didn’t feel like myself. If anyone knew what was actually wrong with me they would have kicked my ass.

  Saying I was sick however made the perfect excuse to leave as soon as the draft ended. Normally we’d go partying for a few days after the draft ended, and this year was definite cause to celebrate. We got seven guys who I knew would take us to some serious places. That included four new guys fresh out of college ball, including Suarez and we got Jefferson from the Patriots, Morgan from the Jets, and Ackerman from the Broncos.

 
I should have been bouncing off the walls and grabbing the champagne.

  But no. I wasn’t in the mood for any celbrations.

  And, thankfully my excuse worked fine with the other guys.

  However, not so much on Gibbs. He knew me too well to fall for shit like that, even though he wasn’t making any comments. He knew I’d talk when I was ready. Although I don’t know if I’m ready to acknowledge what’s happening to me and Zoe.

  We traveled back together early the next day and he didn’t question me when I wanted to go straight to the office. He didn’t mention going home or anything as technically we were still on leave for the draft. He just came along with me, probably sensing I needed support. Gibbs is good that way. Always has been.

  Although it’s not often that I’m like this. The last time that I felt anything remotely like this had to be when I was deciding on who I wanted to work for. I played for the Rams so of course, I felt a sense of loyalty to them. They offered me a lower position because the role I wanted was already filled by Jack Danovick, a guy I truly admired. At the same time the Centaurs practically jumped at the chance to have me.

  It was Gibbs who helped me out back then. He made me see that my years with the Rams as a player was an achievement in itself, and it didn’t mean that I should feel obliged to work with them. Particularly when I was being offered the position I actually wanted. I was in a state of unrest back then too, just like now.

  My excuse for going to the office was that I wanted to check something out in the NFL policy reports and work is the best place to do it because of the access we have to the systems. So when we got here he took out the report folders from the file cabinet and started looking through them. He sat opposite me, setting them out and going through each one.

  While he did that I turned on my computer and watched the screen load.

  Within seconds I started thinking of Zoe again.

  I’d had this pent up sexual tension for five days. All that from a kiss. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I should have held back. I should have run away like that bitch Brian, because if I did I wouldn’t feel like this now. Like I needed to jerk off. I didn’t do that. I didn’t need to. I’d never had to, but now I got it. It was a joke walking around feeling conscious that my dick was going to embarrass me.

  “Did you like Johnson?” Gibbs asked breaking my thoughts.

  I had to think hard to remember who Johnson was.

  “Quarterback from UCLA.” Gibbs reminded me with a smirk at my obvious loss of memory.

  “Good kid,” I said trying to look enthusiastic.

  “Reminds me of you.” Gibbs smiled. “The speed and the stamina.”

  “Thanks.”

  “He has a temper on him though.”

  I noticed that. Johnson got into a fight with one of the other guys. I could see he was cocky, like me, and confident in his talent. But he needed to cool it down a notch to play with the Centaurs.

  “I’ll work on him.” I would need to. “He just needs some fine tuning.”

  I needed fine tuning too when I was that age. I was a bigger asshole then than I was now.

  “Fine tuning? Sounds like more work.” Said a sweet voice from across the room.

  I looked over to see Beth Sanderson standing in the doorway. She looked like a vision from a fantasy with her perfectly proportioned body, long white blonde hair, and bright red lips that made her silver-gray eyes stand out.

  She walked inside the office exuding the same grace she used on the catwalk to display her lingerie.

  Beth looked like temptation wrapped up in her little red summer dress that showed off the massive tits and firm ass I bragged to Zoe about. What a fool I was.

  I looked at Beth and saw the sparkle of mischief in her eyes.

  I’d wanted this woman for weeks, got the chance to speak to her, booked a few dates with her and had to cancel when I knew Zoe needed me. I’d looked forward to the dates because I knew it would lead to wild hot sex. Today though, I felt nothing.

  I’m looking at her, and I know she looks smoking hot, but I feel nothing.

  Not even a stir, or a tingle. Zilch.

  “Beth, good to see you.” I said remembering my manners. I also thought the look on my face was more peeved at her presence than anything so I tried to smooth that over.

  “You too, Gibbs hi.” She looked at Gibbs and smiled wide.

  Gibbs however gave her a curt node, and was the complete opposite to when Zoe had come by the other week.

  “What brings you here Beth?” I hoped that didn’t sound rude. It was odd that no one, not even Zoe knew that we’d be back, and here, but Beth had come by.

  Beth looked a little surprised by the question, which was completely understandable. The last time we spoke I told her I’d arrange something. The first time we spoke I told her that I wanted to see her wearing nothing but the smile on her face. Now I was acting like she’d come by for a business meeting.

  Obviously, she was here to follow through on our plans. And, while I didn’t doubt that seeing her wearing nothing but the smile on her face was a huge turn on, the vision wasn’t turning me on.

  “I thought I’d take the chance and see you silly.” She smiled brightly. “It’s lunch time, we should eat and then I’ll see to that request you made.”

  Okay, so what should I do now? I glanced at Gibbs to find that he was already looking at me. He looked at me with complete disapproval of Beth. His eyes speaking words of caution. We hadn’t talked about Zoe in days but he knew she was on my mind. He knew she was on my mind for the whole trip.

  “I’m busy, Beth. I have a thing I have to take care of.” I heard myself say. I returned my gaze to Beth and saw the surprise on her face at having been turned down. Again.

  “Oh, okay. Maybe tonight?” she looked hopeful.

  As I looked at her I’m thinking that what I actually need to do is get rid of her, take her off the radar completely.

  I kissed Zoe. I wanted Zoe.

  There is no room for any time with Beth. Not tonight, tomorrow or later, whenever that was. I wanted to tell her that, but didn’t want to embarrass her in front of Gibbs.

  “Look Beth it’s probably best if we leave things here,” I hoped that sounded polite enough.

  “Oh.” To say she looked stunned wasn’t a strong enough description. There was shock, and anger filling her expression. “Well I guess this is goodbye then.” She looked really put out and I could see that she was trying not to show it.

  Before I could say my next words she turned around and stormed away, heels clicking on the stone surface of the floor.

  Gibbs chuckled, turning my attention to him. “I’m impressed with you.” He stated with a broad smile.

  “Why? Because I just turned down great sex with a Victoria’s Secret Angel.” I raised my brows.

  “We’re getting too old to fool around the way we do. I don’t have a Zoe, but you do. What are we doing here man? And, how comes you didn’t call her to let her know you were coming back early?”

  In all honesty I wasn’t thinking about calling Zoe when we made our way back. I was too lost in my mind to think of commonplace, simple things like a phone call.

  “I was too focused on the drafts.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t really the truth. It was more like I was focused on the way I wasn’t focused for the drafts.

  “Bull shit. Go home man. Go home and sort yourself out. This isn’t you right here. I can’t work with this guy.” Gibbs scuffed, his New York accent really coming out in every word he says. He’s also shaking his head at me. “Go home and decide what you want. You been different since you told me about that note of yours.”

  “Different how?” I’m still trying not to talk about what’s really wrong with me.

  “Jesus, are we seriously going to do this? You and me, we’ve been friends for far too long for you to hide shit from me. If you don’t want to talk don’t, but I will tell you to go home to your woman and work out what you want. And
please don’t come back until you’re Tristan again.” He got up and walked away, leaving me to the empty office.

  I clasped my hands together and brought them up to my chin. Deciding what I want is easy. I know what I want. It’s deciding how I want to proceed is the problem.

  The more I think the more I lose my mind as want consumes me.

  Gibbs is right. What am I doing here? I stood up and left too with a mission.

  It was to stop this pansy ass moping around and wondering.

  Why was I even doing that?

  I’d always been the kind of guy to get what I want. It didn’t matter what it was. I always got what I wanted.

  And I want Zoe. That’s all I need to know right now.

  Zoe

  I got back late.

  Going to work provided a great distraction. God even Gertrude’s stupid dirty looks she’d cast my way gave me something to work with other than think about Tristan.

  He’ll be back tomorrow, so I’m preparing myself. I noticed that he sent me more messages than he usually did. They were all brief to see how I was but normally after I saw him to say goodbye I didn’t expect any contact until he came home, whenever that may be. Normally I just assumed he was either with his work friends, busy with the whole draft thing, or with…well some skank. I didn’t want to think about that last part. I just didn’t.

  The softness of the sea breeze surrounds me as I turn on to the road we live on. It has that cool edge to it that’s soothing. I think I may go for a walk on the beach before it gets dark. I haven’t done that in awhile, not since I got so busy with my application, and now putting this portfolio together. I’d try to do some work on that later. I still had some kinks to work out. I wanted to prepare something memorable and unique to woo the board of governors. I could have opted for throwing together something quick with what I already had, but I thought it deserved time. I had time. it was another two and a half months before I had to hand in the portfolio. I’d made a plan for each week.

  I looked at the house as I was about to pull into the driveway and gasped when I saw Tristan’s car.