If I Should Die

by Grace F. Edwards

  I stared at him, openmouthed, but he turned away, to concentrate on Terry.

  “What the hell are you doin’?” Terry shouted. “You can’t pin that on me. That was—”

  Danny grabbed him. “Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch!”

  Johnnie watched the whole thing in silence but I noticed he was no longer smiling. The expensive fragrance that had floated around him when he moved had all but disappeared and the air had suddenly gotten thick. Like in the rooms below with all those desperate bodies.

  “So, Terry. My man. Tell me about Erskin. What you got to say about my brother?”

  Terry said nothing now but Johnnie went on anyway.

  “And all this time, I thought it was Gary. I hated to pop him. Gary and me went back a long way. To Wall Street. Kind of prestigious, you know what I mean, transactin’ all that business with a big-time, big-appetite, Wall Street man. No, you wouldn’t know what I mean.”

  He was speaking to Terry, but he had Danny in his sights. Danny had moved into the room to stand near my chair.

  Johnnie continued to sit on the edge of the table with his arms folded but he seemed coiled, ready to spring at the slightest movement. Terry leaned back against the closed door. In the silence, I listened to Danny’s heavy breathing. I felt his closeness and I felt sick.

  Johnnie spoke again and his voice was almost a whisper:

  “So tell me, Terry—”

  “No. You ask Danny—”

  I could hear Danny’s quick intake of breath. “Look, that was—it was an accident. We wanted to snatch the kid. Hold ’im until the shipment came.”

  Johnnie looked at him in disgust. “Hold ’im for eight months? Who you kiddin’, man? That’s what comes from not followin’ orders.”

  Danny looked at me now and I knew that if they had succeeded, the child would have been killed. They would not have held him for long. Children have a way of growing on you.

  Danny ignored the question: “Erskin just happened to be there. Wrong place at the wrong time, that’s all.”

  “ ‘That’s all.’ My brother gets killed and all you can come up with is ‘that’s all.’ Plus you gave me the wrong wire. Said it was Gary that did it.”

  “Well, I knew how you felt about your brother. And besides, Gary had to go. He couldn’t produce so he had to go.”

  “And you got me to do it. As insurance in case things didn’t go the way you wanted … And you also took that envelope from Jackson Lee. Took it off of him or out of that girl’s apartment … My, my. Ain’t we enterprising …”

  Danny’s eyes were wide, surprised. “Shit, listen now. I—”

  “What was in it, Danny?”

  “That’s just it, man. Nuthin’!”

  “Don’t hand me that fuckin’ shit. What was in it?”

  “Just a lotta papers. Old news photos of you and Gary hangin’ out in some of the clubs downtown. Articles, clippings about Gary. His court case. His probation report. The fact that he had gone to the Chorus as community service. But it was the pictures of you and him that was blown up almost life-size, almost—”

  Danny was talking fast now and Johnnie interrupted.

  “Well, where are they? How come I didn’t get to see ’em?”

  “I got rid of ’em. Like I told you, they wasn’t important.”

  Johnnie rubbed his chin. “Got rid of ’em, you say. Not important enough …”

  He turned to me now, as if remembering I was still in the room. “Ain’t that somethin’, pretty? And it wasn’t important for him to tell me that he’d killed Erskin.”

  Danny raised his hand, looked at Terry, and said, “I didn’t kill Erskin, Johnnie. Somebody else decided to have a little too much fun that day … probably was boozin’ it up and overplayed his hand.”

  I watched this whole chess play, wondering who eventually would be checked. To make sure that Johnnie stayed in line, Danny had set him up to kill Mark. Now Johnnie needed the same thing. He’ll force Danny to get me in order to balance the equation. He could’ve killed me when he grabbed me in the hall. But he waited. He needs this insurance.

  I glanced at Terry, still leaning against the door, and I could smell his sweat from where he stood. His eyes were wide and darting and I could see behind the panic the greed that had brought him to this point: first step was to stop whining, rationalize that “what the hell, everybody else is gettin’ some, so take a bundle and walk.” Easy money is the easiest thing in the world. It was there. Take it for a little while. Then a while longer. Then maybe transfer to another precinct. But the money bundle kept growing, getting larger. And a little while became a while longer as luxuries became everyday necessities.

  Transfer out next year. Or the year after. Or never.

  Danny had probably seen the greedy eyes, heard his whiny song of trying to make it on next-to-nothing pay. Got to get the car, the house, the boat, the wife, even the dog taken care of. One small bundle. And he was in …

  I felt my own sweat sliding down my back, pouring from under my arms, and decided that, whatever happens, they had a fight coming, even if it is three to one. I wasn’t about to sit here politely and be taken out.

  In my mind’s eye, I saw Dad, I saw the note left on the mantel, I heard all those phone calls again, and my adrenaline, already at high level, was now spilling off the scale. My anger always seemed to get me in the most trouble but now it balanced the fear that had had me sitting so quietly trying to think my way out of this. Hell, if there’s no way out and I have to go, I’m taking at least one of them with me. At least one. I didn’t know how but the sweat was running heavier and I knew that when the deal went down, I wasn’t going quietly.

  Danny nodded to Terry, who was still leaning against the door.

  “Okay. Cuff her. We’re takin’ her outta here.”

  Johnnie did not move from the table, but held up one hand.

  “Sorry. Whatever you got to do is gonna be done right here. Where we all can see it gettin’ done, ain’t that right, Terry?”

  Terry looked from one to the other, like someone who had stepped in a fast-closing vise.

  “Listen, man. I—”

  “You gonna do it, Terry?”

  Danny had stepped behind me now and, from the openmouthed look on Terry’s face, I knew that Danny had drawn his gun.

  “You gonna do it?” he repeated.

  Danny drew back the hammer and the click was loud and close against my ear. I turned around quickly to face him, to tell him that nobody was going to tie me up.

  “Uh-huh,” he whispered, glancing at me for a second and time enough for Terry to decide. Danny aimed just over my head and pulled the trigger, dropping Terry as he pulled his weapon.

  “No fuckin’ good anyway. Had to go sooner or later.”

  The shot was so close to my ear I felt dizzy and the echo lasted longer than it should have. I tried to hold my breath as the hot smell of the powder drifted under my nose.

  The door slammed open and two men with drawn weapons stood just outside.

  “What’s goin’ on? You okay Johnnie?”

  “Everything’s cool. No problem …”

  They glanced at Terry sprawled on the floor but said nothing. Instead, they closed the door, leaving us alone again.

  When Johnnie spoke again, the menace was more pronounced.

  “So your boy’s gone. Now, whatever needs doin’, you got to do it yourself. I wondered—”

  A beeper went off, sharper than the earlier one, and Johnnie moved quickly from the table to click on a speaker. A voice crackled into the room.

  “Nine-eleven! Nine-eleven!”

  Doors out in the hall slammed open and the sound of runners filled the corridors. The two men looked at each other and at the table.

  “A fuckin’ raid?”

  Danny put his gun away and pulled out his badge, but Johnnie glanced at him and laughed.

  “That ain’t gonna work for you this time, my man. There’s a dozen people downstairs
know you, plus the video.”

  “The camera was on? Why, you fuckin’—”

  “You know the deal. You shoulda checked!” Johnnie beckoned to me. “Come on, pretty. We steppin’. You my passport.”

  “Like hell she is—we in this together. Either we all leave or no one leaves.”

  I was crouched in the chair midway between them, trying to make sense of the noise in the hallway, trying to gauge when the chaos would spill into the room and how quickly I would be able to dive under the table once the stuff hit the fan.

  I was closer to Danny and I knew what he was going to do but Johnnie beat him to it, drawing and firing almost instantly.

  I fell screaming off the chair and tried to scramble under the table but I felt a hand gripping my ankle and turned to look back at Danny. He looked surprised, as if he couldn’t understand this thing that had happened and how it had happened to him. His eyes grew larger and he opened his mouth to say something but a gush of bright red spilled over his shirt.

  I looked at Johnnie, who had moved from behind the table and was stuffing a videocassette in his pocket. He waved his gun in my direction.

  “Okay. Let’s step. We ain’t got all day!”

  I jerked my foot away from Danny’s grasp and my sneaker came off.

  “Come on, pretty. We ain’t got time!”

  Johnnie pushed aside the desk on the far wall and we went through a small door, had to crouch down and crawl through it like one of those old-fashioned dumb-waiters, only this one was made of reinforced steel. In less than a second we were out on the roof and the lookout was nowhere to be found.

  “Come on. This way …”

  He had the gun to my side as we stumbled toward the back of the building. He was heading for the fire escape and I felt the roof slanting imperceptibly under my feet. Even before we reached the edge, the knotted thing rose in my stomach. I saw Benin’s face again in that gray room and I froze.

  … I can’t do this …

  Johnnie pushed me.

  “What the fuck’s wrong with you? Move! Right now or I’ll put you away!”

  The sweat was pouring from his face and he had raised the gun to a point beneath my chin. “I’ll put you away right now, bitch! One more ain’t gonna make no difference!”

  “Then put me away, you motherfucker. Put me away.”

  I screamed and swung hard, to knock the weapon aside, to wrestle him to the ground and hold onto him but he rolled over me and I felt his fingers dig into my neck.

  “Bitch! I handled bitches like you. Break you in half …”

  I tore at his eyes and managed to push myself from under him. The Mace was gone, used up, so I scrambled for the gun but he got to it quicker, dragged me to my feet, and caught me again by the throat.

  I felt the steel pressed against my neck and knew he had me and wondered if it was better this way, better than having the roof slanting, falling away.

  “Police! Don’t move!”

  “Fuck you!”

  It wasn’t better. When he turned the gun away and I slipped to my knees and out of Johnnie’s grasp, Tad aimed and fired.

  chapter thirty-five

  Tad stepped out from the doorway and several members of the Strike Force crowded behind him. He knelt beside me as the others rushed to the edge of the roof and looked down into the alley.

  Johnnie had gone over the edge from the force of the bullet.

  I lay where I had fallen, unable to move. I felt Tad’s hands on me, heard his voice, but could not answer. I looked beyond him, concentrating on the fast-moving clouds racing into the white rays of the sun; followed the flight of a lone circling pigeon and wondered why it was alone.

  I watched it and my chest grew tight, nausea filled my throat, overwhelming me as the panic mounted. The birds usually flew in pairs. Concentrate. Breathe. Deep.

  It didn’t help. The pain of panic crushed my chest, and when the other officers approached, I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know if it was to cry or scream.

  I had refused an ambulance and now sat in Tad’s car, waiting. The area around the building had been blocked off and everyone in the neighborhood was pressing against the barricades. There were police vans, sector cars, three ambulances, two units from the fire department, and more gold-braid officers than I could count. Two service technicians went in with stretchers and I knew the body bags would soon be coming out.

  I had left my remaining sneaker on the roof—the other one was probably still in Danny’s hand—because I didn’t want any of this nightmare to follow me home. I wished I could take off the sweat suit, which gave new definition to the word, but I had nothing to change into.

  Tad finally got into the car, ignored the strong fragrance, and kissed me.

  “Girl. Hard Head. You’re okay …”

  I closed my eyes and held on. “How’d you know I was in there?”

  “I didn’t. I didn’t know anything. Let’s backtrack. When I finally found out where Viv had gone, Johnnie’s boys had gotten there first. Johnnie had her whole history and knew just where to look. I wasted a lot of time down there because folks weren’t giving up anything. It was only by accident that I came across an old man willing to talk. Small places are like that. Had to sit on his porch three hours sipping that white lightning before he said anything worthwhile.

  “Said Viv had taken it on the lam one step ahead of Johnnie’s posse. Slick sister’s probably right back here, layin’ low till this thing breezes over. When I called to tell you, your phone was out and I knew something had gone wrong, so I headed back. I knew something was wrong but I never expected this.”

  I felt his arms around my shoulders and his hands in my hair and I knew I was safe.

  “How did you know where I was?”

  “I didn’t. And Bertha only knew that your dad was in the hospital. I went there but didn’t speak directly to him because I didn’t want him worrying. The doctor I spoke to said he could be out of there by next week and I didn’t want to risk a relapse.

  “Morris’s mother hadn’t heard anything, but when I was coming out of her building, I ran into Clarence. He told me. He knew you were upset and he had followed you. Right to the door. Said you had stepped into the Inferno. I guess that’s what the place is called by the people who know it. Kid was practically in tears because he couldn’t believe it. I told him that it wasn’t what it looked like.”

  “Poor Clarence. You mean this raid was pulled because of me?”

  “It had been on board all along, but when I heard about you, we moved it up by two days and a couple of hours.”

  He grew quiet now and I knew what he was thinking. He must have seen Danny’s body lying there with his shield in his hand. He must have seen Terry. And tonight he would see the mayor—the same man who had encouraged thousands of policemen to riot, to storm City Hall—this mayor would be on the six o’clock news trying to explain this latest betrayal of the public trust. And it would be tomorrow’s banner headlines.

  “How do you feel? About Danny?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. Better, I guess. Now that it’s over. No, that’s not true. I feel like shit. Once upon a time I really admired him. He was doing all the right things, but something happened along the way …” He looked out of the window just as the first bag was brought out. Danny weighed a lot but the two morgue workers were efficient and pushed the bag into the van quickly. Then they went back inside.

  Tad shook his head. “You know, they were watching him for a while. As a matter of fact, since I was his partner, they were even watching me. I didn’t know anything until a few days after he finagled the Choir Murders file, then Internal Affairs approached me. They had tapped his line and found that he was planning to destroy those files. Man, that was a tough thing. A tough thing …

  “They clued me but I couldn’t say a word to you. And many times, I had to sit back and listen to him when he went into his act. That really got to me, all that slick, crime-in-the-city bullshit. But it wasn’
t that so much as it was having to laugh and grin in the face of betrayal. When you have a partner and expect him to watch your back … man—it wasn’t easy to deal with that.

  “Danny probably double-crossed everybody he ever said hello to. He figured out how stupid and greedy Keenan was and it was a snap to draw him in. Plus he found out that Keenan had been making those calls to you, so he held that over him. He had Nightlife steal Maizie’s car for the snatch so if the license was ever traced, it would eventually lead to Johnnie.” He shook his head and turned to watch the scene across the avenue. Kenny was brought out in cuffs, his eyes bandaged. Others followed until the van was filled and another van was backed up to the building.

  I had nothing to say. I knew it would take some time for Tad to get over all of this because Danny had once been his friend. Long Island Danny. Who had wanted more money, more prestige, more of everything, and wasn’t getting it fast enough. I thought about his wife and her illness, and the daughters with the old-fashioned names, and wondered how they would deal with this. Would they be forced to move? Small towns don’t let scandals fade.

  A siren started up and I looked out of the window at the flashing lights. An ambulance was pulling out, filled with some of the young girls. Now they were caught up in the net and would probably be in the system for years to come: hospitals, foster care, and therapy if they were lucky. And their tearstained faces might even be paraded on the ten o’clock news by an anchorman greedy for ratings.

  We heard another noise and turned to watch a wiry young man, waving a Bible, push his way through the crowd. He was dressed entirely in black and wore an ill-fitting clerical collar and dirty white sneakers.

  “Where are the mothers, the fathers, of these innocents?” he shouted as the ambulance eased its way through the crowd. “Where are they?”

  Some in the crowd looked at him, but then turned away as a second ambulance backed to the door. They were waiting to see how many more victims would be brought out.

  I turned from the window but the sirens, the fire units, the flash of the squad cars still pushed in.

  “Tad. I have to leave. Get away …”