One or Two Things I Learned About Love

by Dyan Sheldon

  Connor called me on his lunch break to say that the guys had decided not to play softball tonight because even though it’d stopped raining the ground was pretty muddy. So they were going to shoot some baskets instead. I asked if he was still picking me up from work. He said he’d been thinking it over and decided it’d be better if I didn’t hang out with him and his friends. Not unless there were some other girls along. I had to turn my back on Ely (I could tell from the way his smile looked like it’d been painted on that his big ears were flapping in the breeze even though he was waiting on a customer) and move away from the table. I asked if we were talking about Milt again. He said no. He’s totally cool with the Milt thing. And anyway Milt and Salome got back together. Connor just doesn’t like the way his friends look at me. I didn’t know they looked at me at all. I figured if I passed out at the table they’d all climb over me when it was time to go. Connor said, “What about that crack Stu made?” I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said, “About getting you a T-shirt and making you our mascot.” I said, “You mean because it was sexist and patronizing?” He said no, it meant he wanted me to wear something that accentuated my breasts. I would’ve laughed – if I wanted something to accentuate my breasts, I’d pick balloons – but I could tell from his voice that he was like 200% serious. So I said that was fine by me not to go and told him to have a good time.

  Went bowling with Nomi, Sara, Cristina and Maggie. They all said how excellent it was to hang out with Connor at last. Maggie thought he was sweet. Cristina thought he was nice. Sara said he really seems to like me a lot. Nomi said she didn’t expect him to have such a good sense of humour. I couldn’t understand why she’d think that. Didn’t I say he’s very funny? She said yeah, but she got the impression that he’s pretty intense. I said I didn’t know where she got that from. She said it must’ve been from her spirit guide. Her spirit guide talks about Connor all the time. Then they wanted to know if we’d be coming next week. I said I didn’t think so. Nomi wanted to know why not. I said oh, you know… She said she thought asking questions was supposed to be a way of filling in gaps in your knowledge. I said I had the feeling Connor was a little uncomfortable. Nomi said, “What? He doesn’t like the chairs? He could always sit on the floor. Or bring a cushion.” I told her if she was half as funny as she thinks she is we would all’ve died laughing long ago. I said it wasn’t that he’d said anything, but I thought the guys made him uncomfortable. Cristina wanted to know how they did that. She thought they all seemed really friendly. “It’s not like they were messing with his head or anything. For them they were really well behaved.” Nomi said that was true. Remember when Jax fell asleep in Citizen Kane and they picked up his chair and carried him out to the porch? He had no idea where he was when he woke up. I said yeah they were well behaved and they were friendly to Connor, but you know how it is when you come into a group of strangers. They kind of made him feel that they know me better than he does. Nomi said that’s probably because they do.

  I’ve been thinking a lot about what Connor said about Louie. I was going to mention it to Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina because they’d know how stratospherically ridiculous it is. I figured we’d all have a big laugh about it. And they’d tell me that Connor is just being insecure. That boys get like that when you first start dating. And then I’d feel four or five hundred percent better and stop worrying. But after the uncomfortable-chairs conversation I decided against it. I don’t want them not to like Connor. I want them to think he’s as cool as I do.

  Three messages from Connor when I got home and checked my phone. All of them signed xoxoxoxox. Texted back. SRY MSD U xxooxxooxxooxxooxx. I’d hardly pushed send when he called. He was all sweet and mushy at first. And then he asked why it took me so long to answer. “Don’t tell me you forgot to charge your phone overnight again, Hildy.” I said no, it was charged but I had it turned off because they don’t allow cells in the bowling alley. You know how in Westerns there’s this second of silence and then you hear this sound of a pistol being cocked? Right away you know there’s going to be trouble. I didn’t pay any attention then, but now I can see that the second of silence after I mentioned the bowling alley was just like in those Westerns, only without the click of the gun or the jingle of spurs. Connor said, “Bowling alley? You didn’t say you were going bowling tonight. When I asked you what you were doing you said nothing.” I said well, when you asked me it was nothing. The bowling was totally last minute. He wanted to know who went. Once again I figured I was home free. You know, because it was just the girls. I know it might warp him a little if Louie was involved, but he doesn’t think Nomi, Maggie, Sara or Cristina has a crush on me. At first, he acted as if he didn’t believe me. “Just you, Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina? Really? Just the five of you went bowling? How’d you get all your boyfriends to stay home? Lock them in the cellar?” I felt like saying that, since we live in the twenty-first century, we’re not only allowed to go places without a chaperone, but even though it’s considered a pretty radical step, they started letting unescorted women into the lanes. Next thing you know, we may be given the right to own property or even to vote. It’s what I would’ve said to Louie or Ely if they made some dumb crack like that. But it wasn’t what I said to Connor. Since he doesn’t really respond well to sarcasm. I said yeah, really, it was me, Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina. We do a lot of things where it’s just us. “Oh, really? You do a lot of things together.” It didn’t really sound like a question, but it didn’t really sound like a statement either. And, I don’t know, it didn’t sound like he meant what I meant. I said yeah, you know, like shopping and tennis and yoga and stuff like that. There was more silence and then he said he couldn’t handle this right now and he’d talk to me tomorrow. Call ended.

  It’s like some weird déjà vu. I feel like I’ve done something wrong again, but I have no idea what (again). I know not lying is really important to Connor. And I agree. Who wouldn’t? Of course it’s important. (I’m talking about real lies here, not stuff like saying you really like the charm bracelet he bought you for your birthday when what you were hoping for was a Swiss Army knife.) But I wasn’t lying. I can’t tell him things I don’t know, can I? Should I have said I had no plans right at that exact moment, but you never know, something could come up? A debutantes’ ball. A marathon. A pigeon shoot. A three-alarm fire. I might even decide just to go for a walk. Without my phone. It has been known to happen. I could’ve mislaid it. Or Zelda could’ve drowned it again.

  I guess I’ll go to bed and cry for a while.

  I was in the bathroom getting into my pyjamas when my phone rang. I figured it must be Connor. (You know, because I was pulling my shirt over my head and got kind of stuck and couldn’t answer right away.) It was Nomi. She left her wallet in my bag and wanted to know if I was riding my bike to work tomorrow could I drop it off on my way. I said sure. She wanted to know what was wrong. I was going to tell her. Nomi’s my best friend. I always tell her everything. No matter how pathetic or humiliating. Like that time on the school trip when I suddenly got my period. And when Gus said I smelled and I didn’t want to leave the house for the rest of my life. And all my secrets. BUT. But I pretty much know what Nomi’s going to say about most things. And I knew what she’d say about Connor getting all huffy puffy because we went bowling. So I said there wasn’t anything wrong, I was just tired. She wanted to know if it had something to do with Connor. I said, really, it’s nothing. Nomi said, “What did you do this time?” I knew from her voice exactly what her expression was. It was the one she has when she thinks the milk is sour. See? I knew she’d be like that. I said that really and truly it wasn’t any big deal, I was just tired from hurling a twelve-pound ball around all night. She said, “You sure?” I said as sure as I was of where bears go to the bathroom. Nomi said she wished she could see my face. “Your left eyebrow always twitches when you lie.”

  So Connor and I had a big talk tonight. He picked me up from the stand right after work.
He pulled up at the kerb without even looking over at me. I said goodnight to Ely, put my bike on the rack and got into the car. We drove out to Captain’s Point where nobody ever goes unless they want to do something illegal or be really alone. It was so quiet in the car you could’ve heard a moth breathe. And so tense you could’ve used the air as a trampoline. When we finally parked, Connor just sat there, staring through the windscreen. I couldn’t stand the silence, so I made myself say I didn’t understand what he was so mad about. (You know, since I hadn’t done anything.) Connor said I didn’t tell him I was going bowling with Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina. I said I explained that – we decided at the last minute. He said it drives him crazy, the idea that while he thought I was home with my family, I was out with them doing God knows what. I said, “We were bowling. You know, you have this ball and you roll it down the alley and maybe you knock over some pins?” He said, “Yeah.” I felt like we were talking two languages that sounded kind of the same but were really different. You know, like Spanish and Portuguese. I had to ask for a translation. And that’s when he said that he can’t help it but he worries when I go out with Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina. I probably said, “You what?” Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina? He said, “Especially Nomi.” I said you don’t want me to go out with my friends? He said it’s not that he doesn’t want me to go out with them, it’s just that he worries what could happen. Like being hit by a satellite? Shot at by escaping bowling-alley robbers? Abducted by aliens? He said, “No, Hildy, that’s not what I mean.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I knew he was serious. He looked really serious. You wouldn’t think he had an awesome smile; you wouldn’t think he could smile at all. But he couldn’t be serious. It was ridiculous. They’ve been my friends for ever. Especially Nomi. What did he think could happen? So I made another stab at lightening the atmosphere a little. I said I get it, this is because you know that they’re really vampires and you’re afraid that they might turn on me one night when they’re desperate for fresh blood? Connor said, “Kind of.” Which made me the only one who was laughing. I asked him what he meant by “kind of”. So he told me. Remember when Connor was surprised when I said I didn’t know any girls who are flirts? That’s because Nomi, Maggie, Sara and Cristina are all flirts. Infamous flirts. Especially Nomi. Nomi Slevka, math wizard, poet, pumpkin grower extraordinaire, feminist, ex-Christmas angel – and femme fatale. Flabbergasted isn’t one of my regular vocabulary words but I was truly flabbergasted. Big time. I said my friends aren’t flirts. Especially not Nomi. He said, “What about the way they were all over me at the mall that time? And the other night at Movie Club?” And he told me that last weekend they stopped by the café and I wasn’t even with them. What did I think that was about? I said maybe they were thirsty. He said every time he sees them it’s all Ooh Connor this and Ooh Connor that. I said, “They’re being friendly.” He gave me this pitying look. As if I was so dumb it was amazing I knew enough to get up in the morning. He said, “Is that what you call it?” I said yes, that is what I call it. They were trying to make him feel comfortable. He said he can tell the difference between flirting and friendly even if I can’t. I said, “But they’re my friends. They wouldn’t make a play for my guy.” He said, “That’s what you think.” I said that I may not be able to tell him who won the World Series in 1967 but I felt pretty confident about this. I pointed out that they all have boyfriends. He wanted to know what difference that was supposed to make. Apparently another thing I don’t know is that there are girls who wait till they have a boyfriend before they start running around with lots of guys. I said, “Isn’t that like waiting till you’ve eaten to go out for dinner?” He said no. I said I’m absolutely sure that my friends aren’t the kind of girls to cheat on their boyfriends. He said, “Not even Nomi?” I said, “Of course not.” He said that wasn’t what I told him before. I told him Nomi had her eye on Ely. I felt like I’d swallowed my heart. I did tell him that. Well, not that exactly. But something that probably sounded a lot like that. Something about her saying she thought Ely was cool. He said girls like that only go to bowling alleys and tennis courts and yoga and the mall because they want to pick up guys. I laughed. I had to. I said none of them are that strong. Not even Sara and she’s got serious muscles because she’s a drummer. He didn’t say anything, he just glared at me. I said I was sorry for being sarcastic, but I’ve never seen any of my friends pick up anybody ever. When we go to the mall, they shop. When we go bowling, they bowl. When we play tennis, they lob the ball over the net and run around the court. There’s only one male person in our yoga class and he’s a grandfather. And then he said, “You picked me up.” I couldn’t have been more surprised if he’d suddenly pulled a dead fish out of the glove compartment and smacked me in the face with it. Did I? I really didn’t remember that part. “Or maybe you were just being friendly.” But I was being friendly. I mean I thought he was cute and everything but I wasn’t flirting. (Nomi said he was flirting, but I figured telling him what Nomi said right then ranked up there with the nuclear bomb for really bad ideas.) Connor said I kept giving him the eye. I said, “But you were looking at me, too.” He said, “Because you were looking at me, Hildy. I am flesh and blood, you know. Of course I looked back.” I felt like I’d opened my front door and walked into somebody else’s house. I was speechless. But Connor wasn’t. He said that I not only picked him up, I’m always looking at other guys when I’m with him. I said I’m not. He has two eyes and 20/20 vision. He knows what he sees. Everywhere we go. I can’t walk down the street without eyeing up every guy who goes by. How many times has he been talking to me and I’m looking at somebody else? None? Hundreds! I said, “I don’t care how good your eyesight is, you’re not seeing straight. I only look at other guys to make sure I don’t walk into them.” And what about the other night when we stopped at the Snack Shack before Movie Club? What about then? I kept staring at the table behind him. That I did remember. There was a girl at the table that I thought I knew. She was older and heavier and her hair didn’t used to be blonde but I was pretty sure it was Karel Wyst from the pottery class I used to do in middle school. Connor said he hadn’t seen any girls behind him, it was all guys. I said, “No, it wasn’t. There were three guys and two girls.” He said, “Isn’t it funny how you know exactly how many guys there were?” He said for all he knows I’m just like my sister. I couldn’t stop myself. I said, “Zelda?” Still no laugh. He said I’m always saying what a flirt Gus is. I said it’s just a family joke. She’s not really a flirt. It’s just because she looks like she does that guys are always flocking around her. That’s why we joke about her. She may be a serial dater, but she’s not a flirt. He gave me another pitying look. Pitying and disdainful. He said, “A rose by any other name, Hildy.” I said you mean you can call it waste material but it’s still poo? He said, “Don’t you think it’s weird that Gus is in her twenties and doesn’t have a steady boyfriend?” I said, “No. She doesn’t want to be tied down till she’s established her career.” He said, “And what’s that, modelling?” I said, “No, she’s going to be a paediatrician.” He thought I was kidding. It all went into overdrive after that. I don’t remember most of it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. It ended with me practically hyperventilating and both of us crying. (The only time I’ve ever seen a boy cry was Louie and he was seven and fell out of a tree.) Connor said he was sorry but he can’t help it. He thinks about me all the time. I’m so important to him and we have something really special and he’d rather die than lose it. I said I thought we had something special and I didn’t want to lose it either. And then he said, “I know it sounds crazy, but I think I’m—You know—” I didn’t know. Having a nervous breakdown? Delusional? Suffering from toxic shock? He was staring at his hands. He said, “I think I must love you or something.” Then he said that’s why sometimes maybe he gets a little carried away. Because it’s so scary. LOVE! Connor Bowden said he loves me! I was so surprised a gnat could’ve knocked me over. I never real
ly thought it would ever happen to me. Somebody loves me! How amazing is that? I said I love him, too.

  So now it all makes total sense. You know, when he overreacts or gets a little paranoid. Of course he does. It is scary being in love. Especially for someone like Connor. Because of his history with girls. He probably feels like he’s sitting on the railroad tracks waiting to be hit by a train.

  Woke up thinking something’s different. For a couple of seconds I couldn’t remember what it was. And then I did. Connor said the L word. And I said it back. Unless I dreamt it. But I didn’t. My dreams are never that good.

  Connor called in sick so we could spend the whole day together. Just the two of us. (How romantic is that?) He was going to take me to his secret beach where no one ever goes so we’d have it all to ourselves. Connor said the world of hot and cold beverages (and muffins, croissants, panini and hand-baked cookies) was just going to have to get on without him today. He said we needed some serious US time. I was about as likely to argue with that as a mouse is likely to jump into the cat’s supper dish. I know we have a couple of little problems, but who doesn’t? I figure it’s only because we’re new to each other. Everything has problems at the beginning. It’s like when my dad got his new computer at the garage. At first it was totally useless. It was like it hated him and had a special mission to ruin his business. He called it The Terminator. Dad threatened to get an abacus and a fountain pen and throw the computer off the roof. But eventually he calmed down and stopped menacing it, and he figured out how to use it. Now he says he’d rather lose the tow truck than the computer. So I was really cranked up about me and Connor being all alone for the whole day. I couldn’t eat breakfast. I couldn’t sit still. I kept checking the time in case it decided to suddenly stop. When the bell rang I picked up my beach bag and went running to the door with a big smile on my face. It wasn’t Connor. But I was so surprised that it wasn’t Connor that I stood there for a few seconds just staring at his T-shirt (Be Kind to Chickens – Eat Vegetables) and the old bike that was leaning against the railing behind him, trying to figure out who it was. He wanted to know if I was going to ask him in. And my brain finally resumed normal operations. I said, “Ely. What are you doing here?” He said he was being chased by a flock of zombie pigs controlled by the agricultural lobby who wanted retribution for his tireless work to defend the organic vegetables of the world and was seeking sanctuary. I repeated my question. He said he wanted to talk to me. I said, “Now?” Ely said he’d called me last night but I never answered my phone or returned his calls. I said I couldn’t talk now. I was on my way out. Ely said he only needed a couple of minutes. I said he didn’t understand. Connor and I were going to the beach. He was due any minute. Ely said, “And?” Well what could I say? I couldn’t say and Connor wouldn’t exactly be thrilled if he found Ely here. Or that it would ruin everything. I said I’d promised I’d be ready to go as soon as he pulled up. We had a big day planned. Ely said, “Five minutes, Hildy. Maybe less.” I told him to bring the bike in with him in case somebody stole it. He half smiled. “You’re kidding, right? There are four houses on this road.” I didn’t say anything. He brought the bike in. Ely said he was worried about me, that’s why he tried to call me last night. He said the only person he’s ever seen as miserable as I was yesterday was Uncle John when Aunt Mimi died. I was most of the negative “D” words. Distant. Depressed. Distracted. Despondent. Distraught. Dissociable. Dispirited. I said, “What about ‘down in the dumps’?” He said, “That, too.” He said the only reason he didn’t assume that someone close to me had passed on was because he figured someone would’ve mentioned that. He wanted to know what did happen. I said did he mean on the planet, on that reality TV show everybody watches or just in Redbank? He said he meant in the tiny, weird but wonderful world known as Hildy D’Angelo. All the while Ely was talking I had one eye on the living-room window. Which is how I saw Connor’s car even before it stopped in front of the house. I said, “I’m really sorry, Ely, but I have to go.” I was already leaving. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” I promised. “I’ll stop by the stand. We’ll talk then.” And then I really ran! Out of the door, over Mrs Claws, down the steps and into the car. Connor laughed. He said he was glad to see me, too. ”Hurry!” I ordered. “Zelda wants to come with us. My mom’s holding her back.” We pulled away like Bonnie and Clyde making a getaway. Neither of us looked back.