One or Two Things I Learned About Love

by Dyan Sheldon

  There was one other person who didn’t think much of our outfits. Connor came to pick me up tonight because the Crashers have a game in Beaconsfield tomorrow and they’re leaving first thing in the morning. I know I told him about the fearless fighters of GM seeds and chemical fertilizers but he still acted surprised when he saw us. As if we’d turned the stand into an ice rink and all the skaters were stuffed toys. All he said was, “Aren’t you two a little old for trick-or-treat?” But I figured from the way his mouth looked like the horizon you see from the middle of an ocean that he didn’t approve. When we got to the car Connor said he wasn’t driving around in daylight with me dressed like a lettuce. I said so next time I’ll dress as an eggplant. He looked as if he thought that was slightly less funny than water boarding. He wanted to know if I dressed like that every week. I said no. Then he said he didn’t know I worked all my shifts with Ely. I said Ely works every shift going. He’s Farmer John’s nephew so he’s practically chained to the stand. And he’s the manager. Farmer John only visits. Connor said, “Oh.” He couldn’t stay out late because he has to get up earlier than the Devil tomorrow. We went to Shep’s Diner for burgers. I like the diner because it has high booths. If you’re sitting in a booth like that there’s no one you can look at but the person on the other side of the table. We played footsie and had a great time. We were still in the car saying goodnight when he said he misses me already. (You couldn’t get any sweeter if you covered it in sugar.)

  Connor wanted to know if I gave back the fan. I said yes. Soon I’ll be able to sit on the front porch and tell you if there’s a forest fire in California.

  Took pictures all day to send to Connor. One of me eating breakfast. One of me getting on my bike ready to go to work. One of me putting the vegetables out. One of me eating my lunch. One of me bagging up corn. One of that guy who drives around with his pet crow stopping for peaches. One of the crow pooping on the counter. One of Blue Eyeshadow Lady running away from the crow. And a picture of Ely launching himself at Monsanto just as he was about to pounce on the crow. Ely wanted to know why I was taking so many pictures. I said oh, you know. Ely said he didn’t know. I said Connor says it makes him feel like we’re together even when we’re far apart. Ely said I thought he went to Beaconsfield not Afghanistan. Obviously, I didn’t send Connor the picture of Ely. Even though it’s really funny.

  Connor’s not the only one bummed out about the summer being almost over. Everybody wants to cram in as much fun-in-the-sun stuff as they can in the next couple of weeks. Tonight the guys wanted to go out to Shadow Point and have a clambake. Only nobody really likes clams and there’s the whole bathroom issue at Shadow Point. Cristina wanted to have a pool party. Only there’s the whole issue of Lenora at the Palacios’. Nomi said why not just go to hers and start up the fire pit (clambake minus clams and no siblings). Grady and Kruger objected because they really wanted sand in their food and a major body of polluted water to swim in. Nomi said all right, so let’s go to Cristina’s. We went to Nomi’s. Ely came too and brought a bucket of corn. Compliments of Farmer John. Louie and Ely started nagging me about joining the cast of Vegetable Avenger: The Movie. They want to go over to Apple Creek and just hang out while Louie follows us around filming people’s reactions. They’re convinced it’ll be thousands of times better if the Avenger has Lethal Lettuce with him. They wouldn’t let up on me. So finally I said I’d do it just to shut them up. I knew Connor would be texting as soon as the team was on its way back home so I had my phone in my pocket. Had to keep going to the bathroom to check it. Louie wanted to know if I’d discovered the door to Narnia at the back of the shower stall. I said yes. Connor kept texting. We won. Great game. Going for ribs. What are you doing? I said I was watching a movie with Zelda. Waiting for bus. Tired. Miss you. Send me a picture. The send-me-a-picture gave me a problem. I wasn’t at home. If I sent him a picture of me in the Slevkas’ bathroom he’d want to know where I was. I should’ve told him I was at Gran’s. Then I could’ve taken my picture by the sink and he wouldn’t have known the difference. But he’d know the difference between the Slevkas’ sink and ours. Theirs is turquoise. I’m getting really used to feeling guilty. And panicky. But that doesn’t mean I like it. My palms sweat and my heart thinks it’s a horse in the Kentucky Derby. I looked around for something neutral I could stand against so I could take a head shot. Nothing. Nomi’s mother doesn’t do neutral. The bathroom’s all stripes and patterns and wake-up colours that clash with turquoise. I headed into the hall. Mr and Mrs Slevka were at their line-dancing class so I didn’t have to worry about suddenly bumping into them. What I did have to worry about was Mrs Slevka’s idea of home decor. This is a woman who’s never heard of ivory, magnolia or white. Even the refrigerator’s pink. And there isn’t a bare spot anywhere that’s larger than a fist. So she hasn’t heard of minimalism either. When Nomi found me, I was in the hall closet. She said, “What are you doing Hildy?” I said I was taking a picture.

  The last thing we do in yoga class is shavasana. It sounds like something intricate and exotic, but it’s just lying on the floor. You’re supposed to empty your mind and go into super-deep relaxation. People have been known to fall asleep, but because everybody’s eyes are closed, no one notices unless you start snoring so loud that a dozen eyes pop open and Nomi kicks you in the shin. Anyway I wasn’t asleep today but I couldn’t get my mind to empty. Connor was doing a late shift and wanted to meet me first, but I was already on my way to class when he texted so I said I couldn’t. I took a picture of myself holding my mat so he wouldn’t feel too left out. So that’s what I was thinking about during shavasana. That maybe I should’ve met him. It was day 23. Our time together should be precious to me. If there’s one thing I’m learning it’s that love is about compromise. Give and take. It’s not just mememe. Which is what’s so special about it. And why it’s supposed to make you a nicer person (though it doesn’t always seem to be working that well on me). I was lying there listening to everybody breathing, but I was worried that now Connor thought I didn’t care about him as much as I said. As much as he cares about me. Not if I’d rather do standing forward bends than see him. It was really distracting. I kept trying to empty my mind but guilt kept shoving all these thoughts back in. And then I heard my name. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought maybe I was doing better at meditating than usual and put myself in a trance. I heard a few more words that I couldn’t make out. I was first in the row nearest the door and the voice was on the other side. It was a familiar voice but in the wrong place. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Like in a dream when you’re walking across the desert and you run into your grandmother selling lemonade out of a truck and that’s when you know you’re asleep. Only I wasn’t. And then I heard my name again. Hildy D’Angelo. It wasn’t Gran. It was Connor. I didn’t even know he knew where the class was. I opened my eyes and scrambled to my feet. Sunia was right at the front, sitting in lotus position. She was looking at me. You don’t see Sunia scowl much because she’s attained inner peace and harmony, but she was scowling then. I mouthed “emergency” and bolted for the door. I didn’t say anything till I got him out on the street. And then I asked him what was wrong. What happened? He wasn’t bleeding or anything but I figured it must be something pretty major. He said he just wanted to see where I was. I said, “What?” I know if I had a picture of me right then, I’d be smiling the way you would if you opened the fridge door and instead of cheese and eggs and cold cuts and a jar of mayonnaise, you were looking at a field of sunflowers. I said but you knew where I was. I told you I was going to yoga. He said yeah, he just wanted to make sure. I said sure of what? He said you know. But I didn’t. He said sure you were here. At first I thought he meant safe. In case I’d been suffocated by a plague of locust on my way over. But that wasn’t it. In case I didn’t really go to yoga. So I was right. He thought it was weird that I’d rather go to class than see him. By the time we got it all straightened out everybody was leaving and Connor ha
d to get to work. Nomi wanted to know what that was all about. I said oh you know. Nomi said tell me. I said he wanted to surprise me by being here when I came out. Just because a person smiles doesn’t mean she’s happy. “He’s full of surprises, isn’t he?” said Nomi. I was supposed to go home with her but I could tell from the way she was swinging her mat back and forth that she was going to want to have a talk about how full of surprises Connor is. She always wants to know “why”. Why this? Why that? How come? Butbutbutbutbut. She’s driven more than one teacher crazy with that stuff. She nearly had Mrs Stepney in tears once over Manifest Destiny. So I said I’d forgotten all about it but I couldn’t go with her after all because I had to go somewhere with my folks. Nomi wanted to know where. I said it was Aunt Lonnie’s birthday. I half expected her to ask me how old Aunt Lonnie is today but what she asked was how I could forget something like that. I said because I’m very self-involved.

  Somewhere on the beautiful island of Maui, people are looking up and wondering where that enormous nose came from.

  I was pretty amazed that my mom wrote down the address for the new yoga studio. She’s not usually that organized. She said she was happy not to disappoint me – she isn’t that organized. She has no idea where it is. I said then how could you tell Connor where it is? She said she didn’t. I said well who did? She said do I look like a mind reader? Hardly. She had on rubber gloves and one of those facemasks she bought last time there was a flu scare. She looked like a woman who was cleaning the oven.

  More practice tonight for the Thrashers. Everybody in the Mob went over to Grady’s for a barbecue (safer than Maggie’s) but I couldn’t go because I was at Aunt Lonnie’s celebrating her birthday three months early. Started to make a list of what stuff to put into the Fall arts and crafts fair, but I’ve hardly made anything all summer. Haven’t even finished the Masiados’ mugs. Listened to the CD Connor made me instead till my dad banged on my door wanting to know how many more times I was going to play it. He said you do have headphones, you know.

  Connor called when he got home. He said he really misses me. He can’t wait till tomorrow. I said tomorrow? He said yeah. He thinks we’re due a special Moonlight Boat Ride Night. I was thinking I was due a Making Things Out Of Clay Night. But tomorrow is day 22. “Twenty-two and I’m feeling blue,” said Connor. I said I can’t wait either.

  Spent the day over at Gran’s. She worked in her garden while I mowed the lawn. When I was done, there were three texts from Connor. He wanted a picture of me with the mower. Gran wanted to know why. Hasn’t he ever seen a lawnmower or doesn’t he believe that I’m cutting her grass? I said of course he believes me. It makes him feel like we’re together if I send him a picture. Gran said but you’re not together. He’s at the mall and you’re with me. I said anybody would think she’s never been in love. She said she was starting to think that she hasn’t. She didn’t see Grandpa Jim for two years after he went to Vietnam and she didn’t forget what he looked like for even half a second. I said that that was a long time ago. You didn’t even have PCs then. Now we have the technology to always be in touch and Connor thinks we should use it. Gran said it’s like using a bomb to kill a mosquito. And then you know what she did? She took my phone away! (She’s really quick for an old lady.) She said she’d had enough of my age-of-communication nonsense. We were going to have iced tea and cookies and talk like people used to do in the ancient time when everybody had a few friends they saw regularly and not 300 that they never see. (If you ask me, she knows more about Facebook than she lets on.) “We’re going to look at each other and give each other all our attention. I’m not stopping in the middle of every other sentence while you text your boyfriend.” So we had our tea and talked and she told me some really funny stories about my dad that I hadn’t heard before and then she got out some of her photo albums. We were looking at them when the bell rang. I figured it must be one of her neighbours, but when she opened the door I heard her say, “Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You must be Connor.” You could’ve knocked me over with a leaf of lettuce! Connor said he got off earlier than usual so he thought he’d pick me up at my grandmother’s instead of waiting for me to go home. He would’ve told me but I wasn’t answering my phone. Usually that would make him all grunty and grumpy but instead he was in a totally good mood. Really charming and sweet. We hung out with Gran for a while and then we went out to the lake. We stopped at the deli for some picnic stuff. I could see at least five guys inside so I told Connor I was wiped out from giving Gran’s grass a crew cut and I made him go alone while I sort of slumped down in my seat and closed my eyes. I figured that was safer than going with him. I didn’t want to ruin the evening because my eyes were wandering. And it was the right thing to do because we had a perfect night. So we didn’t get too depressed about how the summer’s almost over, we started planning stuff for the Fall and winter. His school always has a hayride in September. And there’s the Halloween dance. And the Christmas dance. And ice-skating. And sledding. And his dad has a skidoo. Connor says even though we’ll mainly only see each other on weekends, we can still talk every night. And text. And send pictures. He figures it was really fate, not iced tea that drowned my old phone. I said and was it fate or my mom who told you where my grandmother lives? He said neither. He always knows where I am. His heart tells him. (How romantic is that?)

  Lovelovelovelovelove…

  My mom wanted to know why I wasn’t considerate enough to tell Gran that Connor was coming to her house. I said because I didn’t know. She said well you could at least’ve told her you gave him her address. So if he showed up when I wasn’t there she didn’t think he was a burglar or a conman. I said that I didn’t give it to him. She said, “Oh.”

  I had a really good day yesterday and a really terrific night last night but I should’ve known somebody would ruin it for me. Meet Ely Weimer, the human equivalent of a hurricane wiping out the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Everything was OK in the morning. We were Superman-during-a-crime-wave busy. It was as if everybody around here woke up with one thought in their minds: Go to the Eden Farm stand and BUY corn (and pick up some tomatoes while you’re there). Which meant that Ely’s and my conversation was pretty limited. Could you pass me some bags? I’ll get the lettuce. We’re going to need more parsley. That was my foot. But there was a lull in the afternoon. And that’s when Ely suddenly asked me why Connor doesn’t like him. This diary will go to my grave with me, so I’m going to be totally honest. As soon as he said it I knew it was true. But I didn’t want it to be. I want Connor to like my friends. And I want them to like him. So I asked Ely what made him say that. Ely said it’s something in the way Connor turns to stone and doesn’t speak when he’s around him. And those looks. Like everything on the stand is mouldering rotten. I told Ely he’s imagining things. He’s only seen Connor a couple of times and we’re usually in a hurry. And Connor’s not an extrovert who can run around dressed as a root vegetable. He’s shy. Ely said he works in retail, how shy can he be? I said it’s different when you have a script. You know: tea, coffee, cinnamon, chocolate? Ely said he’s not taking it personally. He gets the impression that Connor doesn’t like any of my friends. Ely couldn’t know how Connor feels about Nomi, Maggie, Cristina and Sara. He couldn’t. So I said like who, exactly? Ely said he doesn’t like Louie. I laughed. Oh, please… Who told you that? He said Louie. Louie told Ely that Connor treats him like he’s contagious. I said that’s Louie’s warped and overactive imagination. Louie’s only met him a couple of times too. Ely said plus Louie says he never sees me any more and he knows that’s because of Connor. I said that’s not true. That he never sees me. I mean, duh! He lives across the street. I see him all the time. I saw him just this morning getting Scorsese out of a tree. And I’ve been to Movie Club and we had a fire pit the other night. Good grief. I could only see him more if he lived with me. Ely wanted to know if I know that my left eyebrow twitches when I lie.

  I told Connor that Ely doesn’t think he likes him. Just to
see what he’d say. Connor said he doesn’t like Ely. So I asked him what that was based on since he doesn’t exactly know Ely. Connor said he knows enough. I said are we talking about the carrot? Because I know he doesn’t like the carrot. He said the carrot costume did make him think Ely’s a loser or at least a serious geek, but mainly it’s because he can’t get all excited about my old boyfriends. Except in a negative way. Maybe I think that’s immature but that’s how he feels. It’s like a hot knife in his heart every time he sees me with Ely. I was so surprised that if a dust mite had bumped into me I would’ve collapsed in a heap. I reminded Connor that I don’t have any old boyfriends. I’ve never even had a young one until now. Why would he think that Ely and I had gone out together? Connor gave me this look. If I’d been a scab he would’ve picked me. He said, “Because that’s what you said.” I did? When did I say that? Maybe Connor’s going to be a lawyer like his father because he sure as sunrise looked as if he was cross-examining a defendant. But didn’t you say in your statement that on the night in question you never left your house…? Connor said, “You told me Ely’s interesting.” And that’s me saying Ely was an ex-boyfriend? I am also on record as saying that my grandmother, Mrs Gorrie in the gift store and Sunia Kreple are interesting people. Did he think I’d been dating them too? Connor said not to be ridiculous. If a girl says a boy is interesting it obviously means something. I said that’s true. It means he’s interesting. And Ely is. He’s smart and funny and he knows a lot about growing cycles. Connor sees how Ely and I are together. I said yeah, the basis for a salad. Connor said he didn’t want to fight about it. It’s day 21. (It’s almost done…) So as long as I swear it’s over between me and Ely he’s willing to put it behind us. But he doesn’t have to like him. I didn’t have the strength to bring up Louie.