“No,” she assured him. “What we’ve shared is beautiful. I will cherish it always.” She took a deep breath, determined to finish this before her heart broke any further. “But this is not what I had planned for my life. I’m not the kind of person who forges new pathways in society and stands out in a crowd. I’m not that strong, Derek.”
He gave a low chuckle, but there was no amusement in it. “You’re not strong. You’re not exciting. You’re just an introvert. Nothing special.” He shook his head. “It seems to me you’ve spent a lot of time making plans for yourself based on this fictitious picture of who you’re supposed to be. And it’s all bullshit.” Taking a step closer, he put his hands on her hips and dragged her against him. “I know who you are,” he said against her lips. “I love who you are.”
She sucked in a great lungful of breath, and when he captured her mouth with his, she kissed him back. She couldn’t help it. Everything about him urged her to give in—to stay.
He pulled back, staring down into her face. “Forget society and expectations and what should be. What do you want, Julia?”
Looking into Derek’s face, she saw her own longing reflected back at her in his brown eyes. Her mouth opened, but she didn’t know what to say. She knew what she wanted, of course she did, but could she possibly consider reaching for it? Could she be that brave?
“She wants to go home, Derek.” Scott’s gruff voice broke the silence and they both jumped. “She’s already told you that.”
Over Derek’s shoulder, Julia saw Scott leaning against the frame of the bedroom door. His arms were crossed over his naked chest and grey sweatpants hung low on his hips. She had no idea how long he’d been standing there, but apparently it had been long enough to know what was going on.
He straightened and walked over to stand beside them, glaring at Derek. “Let her go, man.”
Derek frowned heavily and his jaw clenched as he released her and took a step back. Julia felt Scott’s hand slide into hers and he tugged her toward the bedroom. “I’ll help you pack your things.”
Before she knew it, Julia sat in the passenger seat of Scott’s car as he drove her home. He’d packed up everything she owned with a quiet efficiency she never could have managed herself and had her out the door within half an hour. The drive had been silent torture as she tried to think of something to say to him. She wanted to tell him what their time together had meant to her, but the words stuck in her throat until she could barely breathe. Then the car pulled into her driveway and the moment was lost.
Opening the door to her townhouse, she walked into the middle of her living area and looked around. Everything was exactly where she’d left it, and yet she felt like a stranger here. She was so different to the person who had walked out the door that first Saturday night, excited to be embarking on a new adventure. Now she just wanted to cry because her time with them had been so much more and she knew she’d never feel that way again.
Scott appeared in the doorway, lugging her suitcase in one hand. He lifted it onto the dining table before he faced her.
“Thank you for bringing me home,” she said, trying not to cry.
“You’re welcome.” His body was stiff, his expression inscrutable.
She remembered the look on Derek’s face when she’d left. He’d looked... bereft.
“I don’t want to hurt him.” She couldn’t hide the slight quiver in her voice.
“I know.” His gaze dropped to the carpet as he spoke. Another tense moment past before he added, “Derek’s having more trouble saying goodbye than usual. That’s all.”
Julia frowned at his choice of words. “What do you mean?”
He looked directly into her eyes, though his face was devoid of expression, when he spoke again. “I mean you’re not the first woman to share our bed, Julia.”
“What?” Her brain scrambled to comprehend his words. Surely she’d misunderstood.
“Derek doesn’t normally get overly attached, but he’ll be fine. I’ll take care of him,” he continued, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bombshell on her. “I always do.”
Julia felt like he’d punched her in the gut. Just how many times had they done this? Seduced a woman into their bed and kept her there until one of them got tired of the fun. How many notches down the bedpost was she?
He walked toward her but she backed away when he got too close. She didn’t want to be touched by him—not ever again.
“Julia.” He breathed her name with a reverence she’d heard before, whispered in her ear as he moved inside of her. These were memories she’d planned to hold close forever. Now they made her cringe.
It wasn’t real. Nothing between them had ever been real. It had just been a game they’d played who knew how many times before. She was nothing more than the flavour of the month.
“I only want what’s best for you.” He stood before her, but made no further attempt to bridge the short distance between them. “I want you to be happy.”
She didn’t bother looking at him. If she looked, she’d cry, and then he would know just how much he’d hurt her. “Sure. You too,” she said. “You can go now.”
Walking away, she dragged her suitcase off the table. “Goodbye, Scott,” she said as she headed for the bedroom to start unpacking.
A few moments later, she heard the front door close behind him as he left. Only then, did she allow herself to cry.
Chapter 19
Darkness still reigned when Scott opened his eyes. It didn’t matter. He didn’t need to see to know he was alone in the bed—again. Pushing the covers off, he sat up to listen for any sound that might tell him what Derek was doing, but the apartment was silent. A quick check of the clock on the bedside table told him it was nearly midnight. With a sigh, he pulled on some pants and padded out into the living area.
He found Derek sitting on the couch, motionless as he stared through the glass wall into the night. As he approached, Scott could see the mobile phone the other man held in one hand. He swore under his breath. Derek never mentioned it out loud, but Scott knew he’d tried to call Julia several times in the two weeks since she’d left. He also knew she’d never answered, and she’d never returned his calls.
Lowering himself down onto the coffee table in front of his lover, Scott leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Concern made him frown. It wasn’t like Derek to brood this way. That was normally Scott’s department.
“Derek, man, you’ve got to stop this,” he said, voice still gravelly with sleep. “I miss her too, I do. But she’s not coming back.”
“I know.” Brown eyes snapped up to his, heavy with a sadness Scott had failed to erase, no matter how hard he tried. “I get that she doesn’t want to be with us. That’s her choice. But it never occurred to me she’d cut us off like this. No explanation, no goodbye.” He shook his head. “There’s something not right about it.”
Guilt twisted in Scott’s gut as he watched the man he’d loved for so long suffer. He’d known this pain was coming from the moment they’d decided to try and win Julia’s heart. That didn’t make it easier to watch his lover go through it—or to go through it himself.
“Are you sure nothing happened when you drove her home?” Derek asked. “Did she say anything to you about not wanting to see us again?”
Scott shook his head, forcing a reply despite the lump lodged in this throat. “Not in so many words. But I’m pretty sure she wants us to leave her alone to get on with her life.”
“So you didn’t have a fight or anything?”
Do you mean before or after I implied she was just another face in a crowd? There wasn’t a whole lot to be said after that. Scott looked away from Derek’s questioning gaze, ashamed he’d been so callous. He hadn’t meant for the words to come out like they did. “There was no fight.”
He’d believed it would make it easier for them all to get on with their lives if he made sure the ties between them were severed. Quick and clean. Now, seeing Derek’s grief-ravaged fa
ce, he wondered how he could ever have thought that was remotely possible. Nothing about this was easy—not for any of them.
This wasn’t the first time they’d had an affair with a woman, that much was true, but being with Julia was unlike anything they’d ever experienced before. The other women they’d been with had been in it for the thrill. They’d wanted to be the centre of attention and he and Derek had been happy to make that happen for them.
Julia had been different. She’d never forgotten, not once, that he and Derek were lovers as well. She had recognised the importance of their relationship with each other and made it a part of their lovemaking. She had become a natural part of a triad with them, rather than expecting a vee relationship, with herself as the primary person.
Now she’d left, he didn’t know how much damage her absence would do to their own relationship. That, more than anything else, scared the shit out of him.
“She’s done with us, Derek.” He stood up, arms crossed over his chest as he moved away from the couch. The sooner Derek gave up on Julia the sooner they’d both be able to start getting over her. Maybe then the ache in his chest would go the fuck away. “She wanted to have an adventure, and she did. Now, she just wants to get on with her life. It’s time to let her go.”
“Did you want her to leave?” The question was curt, almost angry. It made him look up in surprise.
“Of course not. Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you couldn’t get her out of here fast enough. You even packed her damned bags for her.”
Frustration burned in Scott’s gut. Was this what Derek had been brooding about all this time? Did Derek blame him for Julia leaving?
“She was upset. She said she wanted to leave. What the hell was I supposed to do?”
Derek sprang from the couch, getting in his face. Scott could see tension radiating from every muscle in his body. “You were supposed to fight for her,” Derek cried, fingers raking through his hair. The brown curls fell back across his brow in an unruly mess. “You never even asked her to stay. Not once.”
“Why would I? So I could listen to her tell me to fuck off?” He’d heard that enough in his life, he wasn’t about to invite more of the same. “You had already told her we wanted her to stay and she left anyway. Do you honestly believe anything I said would have made any difference?”
The look Derek gave him suggested he was demented. “Of course it would. She loves you.”
“No, Derek. She doesn’t.” He shook his head, wishing he didn’t have to explain. The truth hurt enough without him having to spell it out in words. “I hate to break it to you, but she loves you. Not me. You are the reason she started this. She wanted to be with you. I was just the guy she had to fuck to get to you. She enjoyed herself, sure, but don’t pretend it was love. Not for me.”
Derek shook his head and a tired smile played around the corners of his mouth. “You are a clueless idiot. Do you know that?”
“Whatever, man.” Scott turned to walk away. “I’m going back to bed.”
One hand gripped his shoulder before Derek spun him around and shoved him up against the wall. “You’re not going anywhere you stubborn son of a bitch.”
“What the hell?”
“Shut up and listen.” Derek had one hand wrapped around his throat, the other pressed against his chest, as he held him tight. “Do you remember the night Julia and I ganged up on you over dinner?”
A bolt of heat pulsed through him. Hell yes, he remembered. Every single detail was burned into his memory like a brand. It was the night he realised how much he loved her. He’d been trying to tell her with his actions every day since. It hadn’t stopped her from leaving.
“What about it?” he asked with a shrug. “She wanted to watch us fuck and she did.”
“No. I lied,” Derek admitted with a grimace. “She never asked to watch us have sex. She wasn’t curious. I just told you that because I knew the truth would freak you out.”
That got his attention. “What truth?”
“She wanted the two of us to focus on you. She wanted to make you the centre of attention.” Derek slid one hand around Scott’s neck as he spoke. “Don’t you get it? She wanted you to feel loved. Because she loves you, like I love you.”
Scott was dumbfounded. It had never occurred to him she would care for him that way, or want to give him such a precious gift.
He knew Derek was right. If he’d known what was really going on, he would have tried to divert them. He wouldn’t have wanted to be the target of so much affection. The idea of being vulnerable to both of them at once would have scared the hell out of him. It had scared the hell out of him.
All this time, he’d been trying to tell her without words how he felt, only to find out she’d been doing the same.
“That’s why I don’t understand why she’s cut us off so abruptly,” Derek murmured as he stared into the distance.
Scott knew. He knew exactly why she wouldn’t speak to them.
She’d given him love in ways he’d never experienced before in his life, and he’d acted like it meant nothing to him. What an arsehole!
“Damn it,” he barked as he pulled free of Derek’s grip and headed for the bedroom to get dressed. “I’m going to see her. She’ll talk to me if I have to break down the door.”
Chapter 20
Julia stared at the ceiling and wished, not for the first time, that sleep would come and put her out of her misery. At least she could admit to herself that was exactly how she felt. Miserable.
On the surface, it seemed like everything was falling back into place in her life. The first couple of weeks at her new job had gone well. She liked her new co-workers and the job was exactly what she’d been looking for to further her career.
Now, if she could just get the dull ache in the region of her heart to go away, she would be perfectly content. Not thrilled with life, perhaps. Certainly not happy. Just content. That was the best she could hope for at the moment.
For the most part she’d fallen back into her normal routines. Going to work, coming home, cooking basic meals and catching up on her favourite TV shows. It was the same safe, predictable life she had led before she ran away from home to shack up with two gay men. She had missed the simplicity of this life, the freedom from complications. Or at least that’s what she told herself every time she felt like crying because she missed Scott and Derek so much.
She heaved a sigh as she got out of bed and wrapped a light summer robe around her naked body. Who the hell was she kidding? She wasn’t going to get over her experience with the two men any time soon. For the first time in her life she’d been truly happy—at ease in her own skin. She didn’t have much choice in the matter though. Their relationship was over and she would just have to get used to it.
Walking into the kitchen, she began to make a cup of tea in the hopes it would help her relax. Sleep deprivation had been making her cranky and she didn’t want to be cranky for the whole weekend. Being alone was bad enough.
Derek had called a few times, and sent text messages, but she hadn’t responded. She wanted to talk to him, more than anything. Which was the exact reason why she had to stay away. If he asked to see her, she wasn’t sure she’d have the strength to deny him. Now she knew the truth, that she was just one of many women they’d had affairs with, she couldn’t possibly let it happen again. It didn’t matter if Derek had become ‘overly attached,’ as Scott had said, or not. She had too much self-respect to be used by them.
Despite all that, she couldn’t help wondering what Derek and Scott would do this weekend. When they couldn’t contact her, would they find some other woman to take to their bed? Could they replace her so easily?
A loud knock on the door made her jump. Who on earth would be knocking on her door in the middle of the night? She checked her robe to make sure the front was firmly closed before she cracked the door open a few centimetres.
Nothing could have surprised her more than seeing Scott stan
ding on the far side of the mesh security door.
“Can I come in?” The air of urgency about him made her wary.
“Is everything all right?” she asked.
“Yeah.” He nodded, but he was still practically bouncing on his heels. “I just... I need to talk to you.”
It took her a full ten seconds to decide letting him in would probably be better than continuing to stand in the doorway glaring at him. She unlocked the security door so he could enter, then closed both doors behind him.
Taking a moment to gather her resolve, she crossed her arms as she turned to face him, conscious of her own nudity beneath her robe. The thin material covered her from neck to knees, but still she felt exposed.
Scott wandered around the living area, his gaze drifting over her furniture and decorations. Then he zeroed in on a photo sitting on her bookshelf. He picked it up, staring down into the picture of her and her parents at the beach.
“This is your family?” he asked, looking up.
She nodded.
“You’re close to them, yeah?”
Again she nodded. He continued to stare at the picture instead of talking to her and she lost her patience with him.
“Why are you here, Scott?”
Returning the frame to the shelf, he turned those blue eyes on her again. Her heart quit beating for a moment. He looked tormented, like he was in pain. He looked how she felt.
He came toward her, crossing the room in a few long strides. She glared harder and angled her body away from him. If this visit turned out to be some kind of booty call he’d be leaving with her hand printed in red across his face.
When he reached her, he stopped, making no attempt to touch her. Instead, he said, “I owe you an apology.”
She blinked, taken aback. “You owe me nothing. Just as I owe you nothing.” She closed her eyes for a moment, not wanting him to see how much it hurt her to say those words. “We had a good time and now it’s over. That’s the end of it.”
“No. That’s not true.” He placed one finger under her chin to tilt her face up toward his. A gentle smile touched his lips, but still that hurt was clear in his eyes. “Derek and I have been together for a long time, you know that. We belong to each other and we always will.”
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