Love is Fear

by Caroline Hanson

  His face hard with anger. “No! He called you at the hospital, didn't he?”

  Her arms were going numb. She nodded at him, dumbly.

  “I asked you who it was and you wouldn't tell me. You said it was ‘none of my business. ’ Really, Val? What the fuck?”

  “Wait—” She needed to stop this conversation. This was too important for her to wing it. She needed time.

  “No! No waiting. Tell me why you were with him. Why didn't you ask me for help? I would do anything for you!” His voice broke.

  “You're hurting me!” she shouted, making a frantic effort to, at least, have physical control over herself before he steamrolled over her emotionally. She could hear the anguish of those words over and over again as they took up permanent space in her brain. Jack would do anything for her. There is a special place in Hell for people like me. Above pedophiles but somewhere below petty shoplifters.

  Jack let her go abruptly and stepped backwards, his hands surrendered in the air. She rubbed her arms, trying to get the circulation going again, the pain momentarily increasing as the blood rushed back.

  “It's done,” she said, “Lucas is not coming back. Marion took me from the hotel to use me against Lucas, hoping she could get him to do what she wanted. It didn't work and he brought me back here.”

  What a stupid explanation! And why were we all over each other, you ask? We weren’t. I accidently fell against his lips and erection. Plus, his hands were only on my ass for stability.

  “Marion was here? Tonight?” The mere mention of Marion was like a flag before a bull.

  Oh. Much more important issue than me making-out with Lucas.

  one,Why would she take you to use against Lucas?” His hands raked through his hair, so that a small section stood on end, making her want to touch him and smooth it back into place. It made him look approachable and real.

  “No. Let me start at the beginning. I'll just start over. Promise me you will listen. Please?”

  He was emoting like a statue. Christ, she had to be careful. She didn't want to lie to Jack, but she had to be strategic in what she told him. How much could he take before he snapped?

  Deep Breath. “Lucas came to me in Hampstead. He told me that if I didn't help him, you and dad would get hurt. At first, it was simple. He wanted me to give you the information on Marion, knew you wanted her dead and was going to help you—”

  “Why?” His voice was menacingly quiet, and Val had the unpleasant sensation of being a rabbit trapped with a rabid dog: as soon as she moved, he'd attack her in a frenzy.

  “The vampires were going to revolt against him. Marion was the leader. Lucas said he wanted you to kill her, so he wouldn't have to.”

  Or maybe he thought Marion would kill you, so he wouldn't have to, were the words that she didn't say. Was that it? Lucas was such an underhanded bastard, treating life as a big chess game. It was entirely possible that was what he'd planned on happening. Marion had been powerful. Jack wouldn't have stood a chance of killing her. Had Lucas intended for Jack to be dead already? Cut out the competition?

  “That file you found in my room. He gave it to me,” Val said.

  “You never wanted to help your father and I, did you?”

  Frantically, she shook her head in disagreement and rushed to him. “I love you, Jack. I do. I was a coward to not help you before, when I could have. I thought that if I kept away from you that”—she swallowed, tried to make the emotion go down her throat—“maybe that my feelings would go away.”

  No, that wasn’t it. “You know what it was? I thought that the only thing worse than loving you and losing you would be having you love me back and then losing you. Like getting to the gates of Heaven, having a look around, and then being cast out.”

  Her voice was trembling and she couldn't look at him as she spoke. “You want revenge more than you want me, Jack, and I always thought it was an 'either/or' situation. One was exclusive of the other. But they aren’t. You can have revenge and my help. If you have something to come home to, maybe you'll fight harder.”

  There was a big pause as Val ordered herself not to cry like a big wuss.

  His hand stroked her hair. “Come on, Val. Finish telling me about Lucas. We'll sort out the rest later,” he said soothingly, like she was about to jump off a great, big ledge.

  She'd bared her soul and gotten no encouragement in return. Had she been wrong all these years? Had he stayed away from her because he just didn't want her?

  “All the information about every vampire that I've given you came from Lucas. He said he'd fed information to Gilbert Arthur too. But then someone killed him, so he had a job vacancy to fill. And, lucky me, I got the position.” That sarcasm was crystal clear, right?

  His hands cupped her cheeks and he was so close his warm breath fanned her face. “Why didn't you tell me what was going on?”

  Val realized he wasn't just angry but sad, too.

  “I would have protected you,” he said fiercely.

  Val laughed miserably. “No, Jack, you would have died.” She took a deep breath. “Lucas is not killable. Believe me. I watched him tear apart three-hundred-year-old vampires with his bare hands.”

  He stiffened in affront, his face closing down. Then he let her go, walking away from her to the other side of the room. As far from her as he could get.

  “And Marion? You think I can't kill her either?”

  It was as if he had Short Mortal’s Complex instead of Short Man’s Complex. He was going to try to take on every big, bad vamp he could just to prove that he had giant cajones.

  I blame testosterone.

  “Marion's gone. She lost to Lucas tonight. He put her in a box, wrapped it with chains after bleeding her dry, and took her somewhere. I don't think she'll be back in our lifetime. Potentially ever. She'd be dead now, but Lucas wanted her girlfriend to help him. He's good at blackmailing people into doing what he wants. Find what someone loves, shake, threaten, stir and voila!”

  Jack was silent, thinking about what she'd said, no doubt. A look came across his face, one of intense study, like she was about to tell him the winning lottery numbers.

  “Are you fucking him?” he asked.

  “Gee, that’s some mouth you got there.”

  “What? You’re blushing, Val? Really? Don’t dick around with this. Is it love? You make love with a vampire? No. If you’re going to sleep with a vampire, it’s fucking. At least, own your actions.”

  Now she was pissed. “Don’t be an asshole. And no, I’m not fucking him. I’ve never fucked him. In fact, there has been no penetration of any kind.” Val finished, arms crossed, knowing she looked pleased with herself. And why shouldn’t she be? Lucas could set any woman’s knickers on fire. Someone should throw her a parade for not boning that man!

  He looked shocked, the ‘you just killed my puppy on purpose’ look. “Jesus Christ, it hadn’t even occurred to me that you might give him blood. Did you?”

  “What? Is blood worse than sex?”

  He grabbed her, pulling the neck of her sweater down, examining her throat, then her wrists, looking for puncture marks.

  She swatted at him. “You want to have a gander at the femoral artery too? Yank my pants off and take a peek at my girly bits? Get the hell off of me!” She was shouting as she pushed by him and went into the shower, turning on the water and taking off her clothes. “It’s over. We’re done.” She knew Jack was behind her, could hear his footsteps on the bathroom tile as he followed her into the small space.

  “We’re not done yet!”

  “Fine. But I can’t talk to you like this.” Her voice wobbled. “I’m covered in blood. I almost died. I’ve got blood and Lucas.” She blinked back tears. “He’s— it’s like he’s here. Like he still has me.” She stripped furiously, heard her clothes tear as she ripped them off. She glared at him, whipping her shirt off over her head, standing before him in a blood-stained bra.

  Men usually paid for women to take their clothes off,
but not Val. He backed up, finally understanding just how emotionally whacked she was. He shut the door, and she couldn’t believe she was alone. Stripping works every time. I can’t even give this away.

  It was so quiet all the sudden. She got into the shower and began to scrub. Lots of shampoo, lots of soap. And lots of thoughts of Lucas. Coming towards her, wet and dripping from the shower. Desire on his face, wanting her to understand that he wanted her, and that she could have him if she made the slightest effort.

  In a million years she couldn’t believe that she’d be here. Lucas had come to her at sixteen, golden and beautiful, scary as hell. The King of the Vampires, and he’d helped her, rolled her mind to take away her fear, stood beside her and encouraged her as she killed a vampire.

  She’d killed a vampire with him. It was intimate. And he saved her life. He’d also been kind to her. And then he’d left her alone, leaving a little brand on her soul. It was like a zit. No amount of concealer was going to cover up his effect on her.

  When he’d come back into her life, she was a graduate student in London. He’d appeared and told her she was going to help him. He’d been scary, but hot.

  In his own fucked up way, maybe he’d been courting her. But he didn’t become King of the Vampires by being warm and fuzzy. He’d almost lost his throne, and she’d watched him slaughter every vampire who crossed him. Had realized just how alien he was.

  How cold and unfeeling.

  She’d known she was going to die and swore that, if she made it out of there, she’d find Jack and make it work. If she was going to die anyway, then she wanted it to be with Jack, the man she’d loved forever.

  And just when she’d come back, determined to declare her love, he’d seen her getting groped and groping Lucas.

  Gulp.

  How could she keep Jack and convince him it was over with Lucas? How would she get him to believe it when she didn’t believe it herself? No, it was true! Lucas was gone. Down the drain. If she had Jack, she wouldn’t think about him anymore. Would never see him again. Lucas had said he’d wait for her to come back.

  I will never go back.

  She shivered. There was no going back. Her future was with Jack. Since she’d been twelve–years-old, Jack had been her knight in shining armor. Yeah, he was a little tarnished now, but she still loved him. They could make it work, right?

  Chapter 2

  The shower gave Val a chance to think, something she hadn't yet had a chance to do. Marion was gone. Her father, Nate, was gone. There was nothing to keep them going. They could walk away from hunting vampires and never look back. She finished her shower, got dressed and she was ready for round two.

  Great.

  “Jack, it's over. You don't have to fight vampires anymore.”

  “Really? How'd you get to that conclusion?” he said in a dead tone. He had his cell phone out, and he was flipping it in his hand and catching it again. He didn’t even look at her, just watched the phone jump up into the air before he caught it again.

  “You can't kill Marion—she's basically dead already. She's locked in a coffin that is wrapped in silver! Lucas is unkillable and he won't be giving us any more information. So, we're free.”

  Jack smirked, a reaction to an unpleasant joke. “No, Val. She's not dead, and Lucas is not dead. The only things that have changed are that Nate is dead and they are harder to get to.”

  Val felt the tears welling up again. “Your whole life has been revenge. If your parents were alive, what would they tell you to do now?”

  He shook his head and frowned.

  “If they were alive, they'd want grandkids and want you to be happy,” she said earnestly.

  His eyes bore into hers. “Are you telling me you want to settle down? Have kids together and pretend the world is better than it actually is?”

  Was she? That's a big jump, Val. Settle down. Have kids. When an hour ago, she’d been desperate to climb Lucas like a monkey and screw him blind.

  Which is stupid and dangerous.

  This was Jack. A future that she’d wanted her whole life. She was going to take it. Forget Lucas. Forget the attraction.

  She loved Jack. He was as hot as Lucas, but even better—because he was alive and cared for her.

  But settle down? That might be excessive. For all I know, you're terrible in the sack, and it won't work out. How about a vacation first, and we can see where it goes? Hawaii!” She sounded a little hysterical. Hysteria, one of the things men never looked for in a woman, according to Cosmo.

  She couldn't even look at him. She felt like a used car salesman trying to convince a mechanic that a Yugo was a sound investment. “People die everywhere. Starvation, disease, bad luck, stupidity—we can't stop that either. We can't fix the world. Your goal in life was to see Marion dead, and she is.”

  “You said she's in a box.”

  “Right. A coffin. Where dead people go,” she snapped.

  He was looking at the ceiling. Val crossed her arms over her stomach, like he might try to kick her and she wanted to be braced for impact.

  “Why did Lucas want you?” he asked, words slow and precise.

  Nervous laughter. “Should I be offended?” He didn’t think she was good-looking enough for Lucas?

  “Offended about what?”

  Wait, what? “What?”

  She had the distinct feeling that he had all the answers, appearing smug and removed as he prepared to lead her down the garden path. “I was asking why Lucas would have you do his bidding when there are hunters all over the world. Male hunters. Female hunters. If he'd wanted dead vampires he would have used one of them. I can’t think of any reason why he’d choose you.”

  She blushed, and he squinted at her.

  “My good fashion sense?”

  “So, it is you he wants.” Big pause as Jack took a predatory step towards her.

  Uh oh.

  “But you don't want him, right?” His voice washed over her, dark as chocolate.

  She shook her head.

  He moved towards her slowly, silvery eyes locked on hers, his pull magnetic. “Because you want me?”

  Val looked at the ground. Her hands flew to her cheeks, covering her blush. Cold compared to the heat blazing off of the rest of her. She risked a look at his face.

  His eyes were intent on her lips as he crowded into her personal space. “You want to go to Hawaii?”

  “What?” Was she this stupid, or was he hard to follow?

  “I asked if you are really saying you want to be with me?”

  That’s what I thought he said. And yet it still makes no sense. “Yes! I do. Things are done with Lucas. It’s always been…you know….” she trailed off.

  “Actually, I don’t think I do. I’m not sure I have any idea what you’re going to say,” he said, arms crossed over his chest.

  Talking out problems, sucks. “I have…always been…in love with you.”

  Jack appeared to be thinking so hard she thought he might have an aneurism. Finally, he blew out a breath and then nodded. “Okay then. That’s settled then.”

  “What? What is settled?” Val whispered.

  “We'll go to Hawaii and be a happy couple.” He stopped right in front of her, his finger tracing her cheek, voice husky and low. “I'll show you how good I am in the sack, and then we can see where we are.” He shook his head slightly, absently. “I can’t make any promises, Val.”

  Valerie was frozen, his words not sticking, like a wet Band-Aid. Did he just say ‘yes’? Jack would give them a chance, take a break from killing, and see if he could be the white-picket-fence guy?

  Shouting ‘Whoot!’ seemed like an insufficient response. She threw herself into his arms, and Jack grabbed her tightly, squeezing her hard against him. She gripped him back, as though holding him tight enough would mean she couldn’t think about anyone else.

  And yet, she had the oddest sensation that they were both feeling the same way. Both running away from something and bumping into ea
ch other to make their problem go away. But Jack didn’t have a problem, did he?

  Relief flooded her, desperate happiness—like a life raft just as her mouth filled with sea water.

  Jack was here. She could feel him, touch him, smell him. His hand went to her neck, holding her still so that he could kiss her deeply.

  His lips were soft and full, so warm, she thought, then hated herself for comparing Lucas and Jack in any way. She opened to him, felt his tongue surge inside then retreat, licking her lower lip lightly as though he wanted to taste every part of her mouth.

  Valerie felt panicky. She wanted to kiss Jack, but the night had been too much. She was frazzled, too much had happened and she needed a break. The gore of all those bodies, the evilness of what she’d seen at the Challenge—Lucas killing all those vampires with his bare hands, the way he had reveled in it. It all clung to her like a miasma, contaminating this perfect moment with Jack.

  When they were older, she wanted to look back at this moment and not have Lucas' heavy shadow intruding upon them. They would go away, learn each other, talk to each other and resolve all of this first. Then they would hit the sack. And she wouldn't leave him or the bedroom, even to eat. They’d order room service for a week.

  She pulled away from him, looking into his heavily lashed eyes, looking for affirmation of what he'd said.

  He gave her a small smile, rubbed his thumb lightly over her bottom lip, as though he wasn't ready to stop touching her. He stepped back and gave her a slight nod. Jack went to the door and opened it “We'll talk some more in the morning.”

  “Wait. What about my father?” Val asked, feeling numb and sick.

  “He knew what he wanted, Val. He's going to be cremated, and then they'll send him back to us. He wants to be with your mom.”

  She thought of something else. “We're close to your home, right? Do you want to go there for a while first?”

  He looked at the floor, shaking his head slowly as he thought about her words. “No, Val. I don't want to go back there. And if you want…” His lips turned down unhappily. He had something to say, and he was fighting it. “You don't want me to go back there, either.” With a grim glance towards her, he closed the door, leaving her alone.