Love is Fear

by Caroline Hanson

  “What?”

  “I didn't know you were scared to fly. Is there anything you’re not afraid of?”

  “Hey!” She punched him lightly in the arm. “You’re just trying to get me so irritated that I’ll break first, but it's not going to happen.”

  And they'd decided they wouldn't talk about vampires for the first four days of the trip. There had been some flirty talk of potential punishments for the first violation.

  Val knew she wouldn’t lose. She also had Jack’s punishment all planned out. When Jack lost, he’d be singing his little heart out. It was one of the best memories she had, Jack singing ‘Take On Me’ the summer before college.

  People said one couldn't go home again, but she was going to give it a try.

  She’d already imagined it. He'd sing, she'd think it was hot, but then—and this was the good part— she actually would get to go to bed with him.

  The idea of it was so exciting that she wanted to shriek in delight. But that wasn't playing it cool, and Val could do cool. All jumping and squealing would be safely contained behind closed doors.

  “Jackie my boy, you won't even make it to the end of the day. Watch, I bet we'll be sitting at dinner, the waiter will be a little pale, and the next thing I know I'll have to bail you out of jail for attempted murder.”

  “Har har,” he said sarcastically. “Although this is Hawaii. A pale waiter is suspicious. Everyone gets a tan here, right?”

  She shrugged noncommittally, watching out the window as the plane taxied down the runway towards the gate. It came to a halt, and people started shifting and rummaging around, refusing to be caged for a moment longer— common courtesy be damned.

  Air travel was a dog eat dog world.

  Val took down her huge tote and the man behind her almost lost an eye in the transfer. She also had a huge hat that she hadn't wanted to risk packing. It was straw and had a pretty pink ribbon around the brim.

  They descended the shaky stairway onto the tarmac and Val felt the warm ocean breeze dancing across her body. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Jack, a wide smile on her face.

  “You shouldn't look that happy, we haven't even been to bed yet.”

  She looked away, laughing nervously while he watched her, a provoking smile tugging at his lips.

  “Don't you think the air smells better here?” she asked, desperate for a distraction. Jack making a comment about getting her into bed? She felt like she should giggle inanely or something.

  Jack took in a deep breath, theatrically, standing up tall and puffing out his chest so that he towered over her. His broad shoulders were defined under his blue T-shirt and she watched him happily, enjoying everything about him and this moment: the breeze that ruffled his thick, dark hair, his tanned and muscular arms, even his dark wash jeans and Adidas.

  “I only smell gasoline. You think it smells better, more fumey, than the gas station at home. But it doesn’t. It just costs more. A simple marketing trick.”

  “Okay, there is a slight tang of airplane but you can smell the ocean too. Never mind. This isn't a winning argument. Wait until we get to the hotel. It will definitely smell good there.”

  He raised his eyebrows at her and her heart flip flopped like he’d said something audacious. Ah, lust.

  They'd paid extra for a convertible, deciding to do it in style, but when the car turned up she checked the paperwork again. “The color is listed as Champagne,” she said, looking down at the paper like the words might change.

  “Pink. This car is pink. How cool am I going to be toodling around this island in a pink convertible? Also, it's a Sebring. They didn't have a Mustang?” Jack complained.

  “Cool guys don't toodle anywhere. Let me drive and problem solved.”

  He dumped the bags in the trunk and waved a finger at her chidingly as he went to open the passenger door for her. “No. Hop in. My manliness will overcome it.”

  Val laughed, holding on to her hat as they went to the hotel. Neither the hat nor the convertible were as great as she’d hoped. Her hair was super knotted and the hat kept wanting to fly away. But the island was beautiful. Everything was warm and humid, the ocean was a vibrant blue and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

  They were on Oahu and going to stay at the Turtle Bay on the North Shore of the island. It was secluded, and every room had an ocean view and balcony.

  A pineapple was in their room, cut up and waiting for them, little toothpicks to eat it with as well as a bottle of champagne.

  “This is so romantic! Jack, did you do this?” This counted as hidden depths.

  “I read it in a book called, '5 Easy Steps to an Easy Lay. ' How is it going so far?” he asked, popping a piece of pineapple into his mouth.

  “Ask me after the champagne. That's probably step number three. Step one, find girl, Step two, ply her with alcohol, Step three—wait, why is it five steps?”

  “Val. I'm kidding. I don't think there is such a book. And no offense, but when you said we could get a king size bed, I thought you were a sure thing.”

  “Your odds would have improved drastically, if you'd let me drive. And with a comment like that, maybe you should have spent the $7. 99. But it's only noon. You have time to redeem yourself.” She stood next to him on the balcony, sipping her champagne, the bubbles making her tongue tingle before it fizzed down her throat.

  She took a deep breath and shot him a sideways glance. Val did her Italian impression. “See, the air, it's better here, no?”

  Resting his hands on the metal balcony, he widened his stance a little, closed his eyes and took another theatrically large breath like he’d done at the airport.

  She watched him breathing deeply, and the moment before he exhaled, when his lungs were filled, she poked him hard in the stomach, forcing him to exhale sharply and making him cough a little.

  Totally worth it.

  “You're going to regret that.” He reached for her and she tried to squirm away, back into the room, but he caught her easily, pulling her to him so that her chest was flush against his. Jack’s hard arms trapped her against him. She tilted her head up to him, breath painfully short as she waited for him to kiss her.

  They hadn't touched since Italy. They'd packed, made plans for her father's ashes, then flown home to San Loaran, a charged silence between them as they waited for the trip to start.

  It was an unspoken agreement that they were waiting until they got here. This was not real life. And if it didn't work out, maybe it would be easier to separate out the memories, compartmentalize everything if it happened somewhere totally removed from their usual life.

  At least that was the rationale she was sticking with. She also felt desperately confused about Lucas. Was he heart-broken? Was she making a huge mistake by being here with Jack?

  No! There was no way that being with Jack was a mistake. She had loved him for as long as she could remember. This was it. If they didn’t try to have a relationship now, they never would. And she couldn’t let that opportunity go by just because she was still thinking of Lucas. She was meant to be with Jack. Lucas was a monster incapable of love.

  Jack loved her.

  So yeah, she was going to fucking do this, and she was going to love it! She smiled at Jack, refusing to think about Lucas anymore.

  He smiled a little cockily. “Do you want to go swimming first?” His hands were on her back, then slid downwards slowly so they were on her waist, pulling her closer to him.

  She shook her head slightly, incapable of speaking.

  This is really going to happen.

  She felt a little dizzy. The roller coaster feeling again. She was at the top, the tracks had stopped clicking, everything quiet for a moment, and then in a blink one is hurtling towards the ground—at 100 miles per hour.

  His head moved a fraction closer to hers, torturing her with the wait, while he fixed his eyes on her lips. “What about food? Did you want to go to the restaurant?” he asked teasingly as he bent down, kissing her neck.


  “Oh, shut up,” she said a little breathlessly, “sure thing, remember?” and she launched herself forward so that her lips met his— maybe a little too hard, but she didn't care.

  And then he deepened the kiss, like this kiss was going to make up for years of sexual frustration. His tongue mated with hers and she was instantly damp, his tongue mimicking what his cock would be doing to her soon.

  Now, if Valerie had anything to say about it.

  With a hungry murmur she gripped his arms, leaning backwards to pull him into the room and down onto the bed. Jack's weight settled on top of her— solid and delicious. But not as heavy as Lucas would be.

  Don’t think about him here. Because this is it. If we can’t make it work in paradise, it isn’t going to work anywhere.

  She kissed him like a sorority pledge girl trying to impress a frat boy.

  Her hands went to his face, feeling the slight stubble on his cheeks and chin, then turning his head slightly so that she could kiss him deeper, be in him just as much as he was going to be in her.

  “Don't think I'm a slut, but help me take off your pants,” she panted.

  He laughed deeply, the sound vibrating from his chest to hers, making her nipples pebble. Her hand wiggled between them, her knuckles sliding down his soft t-shirt, enjoying the flat muscles of his muscular stomach, until she found the top button of his jeans.

  His fingers met hers there, tangling with hers as he shadowed her movements, unbuttoning the button, pulling down the zipper….

  She felt the hard ridge of his erection against her fingers as his hand stayed over hers.

  He closed his eyes in pleasure, murmured her name and kissed her raggedly. He pulled away with a slight gasp and stood, dropping the jeans beside him and whipping the shirt off over his head in a terse move.

  And there he was— naked. Hard. Looking at her with desire. The culmination of years of desire distilled down to this moment right here. She’d finally have him.

  He reached for her waistband and stopped, leaning over her instead, lifting her shirt a little so he could kiss her stomach, breathing deeply as he unsnapped her shorts and pulled them down her hips until they fell to the ground behind him.

  He pulled her up and his hands skated her waist, his fingers trailing up her ribs, raising goose bumps on her body as he took her top off.

  Jack left her bra and panties on then knelt before her on the bed, dragging her closer to him, his large hand cupping her bottom as he settled her firmly against his erection.

  She arched into him, throwing her head back in pleasure at the sensation. He kissed her neck hungrily— slow kisses, wet kisses with tongue and little nibbles, his hands grazing her bra, raking her nipples lightly through the fabric, and then palming her whole breast with his hand and squeezing gently.

  She didn't want to wait anymore. This needed to happen now and she didn't want to risk an interruption or having something that could keep him from taking her as he should have done years ago. She whipped off her bra, took off her underpants and laid back, waiting for him.

  “I need to get a condom. Wait a minute.”

  Her voice was shaky, unable to think clearly, her body aching for him. “I'm on the pill, it's okay.” He paused for the briefest moment, but then stood and went to the table, opening his wallet and pulling out a condom.

  His gaze met hers as he walked back to the bed.

  “I've only slept with one guy Jack, and he was a virgin, too.”

  “Yeah, but I haven't been as circumspect as you. I'm clean Valerie, but….”

  “You've slept with enough people that you're worried.” It was like talking through sandpaper. I don’t want to talk about this.

  His lips firmed into a hard line and she could see him closing down in front of her. He was inches away from her, was going to do something totally intimate with her and yet she could feel the distance between them growing. How could anyone get through that control?

  Was he even more emotionless than Lucas? Lucas was a vampire, his emotion tank was genuinely on empty. Jack had emotions, he just ignored them.

  “Do you want to have this conversation now? I will always wear a condom Valerie, unless I'm married or it's a committed relationship, that's it.”

  And this isn't a committed relationship, she thought painfully, the sadness of it lurching through her.

  His hands came up to her, holding her head lightly, forcing her to look to him, “If it's going to be anyone, it's going to be you, Val. But I've always done it with a condom and I don't really want to find out just how great sex is without it and then have to go back.”

  He rubbed her cheek with his thumb, dark eyes burning into hers as he willed her to understand. “I have always loved you. But that doesn't mean we are going to be together. We're here because we have problems. Maybe...shit, let's just go to the beach for a while, take a walk and not force it.”

  No! Desperately, she grabbed him, pushing him backwards again, fusing her lips to his, not wanting to stop when they were so close. Good God, we’re both naked! We can’t stop now!

  Sex would change things between them, and it almost had to be for the better. It would be one less barrier between them. She wanted him and loved him. She knew he loved her too. And what was the problem, anyway? This was probably the first time a guy had to convince the girl to use a condom. It was stupid to take it personally. Her heart beat jaggedly.

  His lips were hard beneath hers and then he sighed, his body relaxing, lips suddenly soft and welcoming. His tongue touched hers lightly as his hands roamed her back.

  Faster.

  Restlessly, he rolled her over, his body covering hers as he slid down to kiss her breasts, sucking her nipple into his mouth and flicking his tongue against her, making her breath catch in pleasure as she writhed beneath him.

  Now. Don’t wait. Now. She must have said it aloud because he spoke.

  “Wait. Are you ready? Let me make you come first,” he said, pulling back from her.

  “No. I don’t want to wait. I just want you inside me. Please.”

  Then he was over her, and she reached down to grasp his hard length, guiding it between her thighs as he thrust against her lightly.

  She shifted her hips, accommodating his wide girth as he began to ease into her, stretching her pleasurably wide. His lips met hers again, kissing her slowly, absorbing her reactions. He paused, and she moaned, her legs wrapping around his hips to urge him onwards.

  “Patience. Let’s just take it slow.”

  Slow is for losers. Ignoring him utterly, she clasped him closer, jerking her hips up to his relentlessly. His eyes opened and he looked down at her, an expression of pleasure and irritation on his face. “I suppose I should just tell you to keep going, harder and faster, then you’ll do the complete opposite. Slow down or else there will be quite the-” he sighed in pleasure and kissed her again before saying, “predicament.”

  She murmured in his ear, “The key part of that word is dic—Oh!”

  He grasped her hip, stopping her words as he sheathed himself in her deeply, until they were totally flush, his body fused to hers, as he kissed her, held her, came in her and wiped all thought of anything else from her mind.

  Chapter 5

  Valerie took a sip of her cold chocolate and swallowed, waiting for the feeling of bliss that came with drinking her favorite drink from Café Rouge, a chain restaurant in London that she liked. And the same place Lucas had found her all those months ago.

  She was still waiting. Nothing. Nothing? She took a larger sip and noted how tasteless the drink was.

  “Food never tastes as good in a dream.”

  Val looked up to see Lucas standing next to the chair on the opposite side of the table. He motioned inquiringly and she nodded. Watched hungrily as he folded himself into the chair. He was so large and heavily built she was surprised it didn’t squeak—or break. His blue eyes skated down her body, like he was absorbing every detail of her so he could remember h
er later. She knew it, because she was doing the exact same thing.

  “Is this my dream?” she asked. And if so, shouldn’t he be naked instead of wearing a light blue dress shirt and slacks?

  “Yes.”

  “I dream about chocolate milk at Café Rouge? Typical.” She took another sip. “Will you remember our conversation?”

  “Yes.”

  “And I will too?”

  He nodded.

  “All right. Are you still waiting for me to go with you to Roanoke?”

  “Indeed. My reception will be received with more sincerity if it is delivered by you.”

  “Why is that exactly?”

  “You are an Empath. The Fey can read you just as you can read them. They will be able to assess my sincerity.”

  “Through me? I don’t know if I think you’re sincere! You just tell me things and manipulate me,” Val said. I can be exasperated in a dream too. Excellent.

  He sighed and put two fingers against the bridge of his nose. “Minions are wonderful because they follow orders. You don’t do that and while it is generally charming… it can be quite exasperating. You should take my word for it. Believe in what I tell you. I am a king.”

  “Honey, you ain’t my king,” she said sassily and felt like she should snap her fingers or something. “And I’m not convinced you have my best interests at heart. Let’s not forget that you almost let me die back at the Challenge.”

  “No. Let’s do forget about that,” he said, voice warm with anger, “For that is not what occurred. You would not have died. I knew that I would win, but if I adjusted the odds and invited more competitors to Challenge me it would have upset the odds. The safety Marion offered you was false.” He leaned towards her, arms folded in front of him, the seams of his shirt pulling at the shoulders. Is sexually assaulting someone in a dream still a crime? So many gray areas….

  Val was determined to act rationally, all thoughts of hotness wiped away by the memory of almost dying. “If you lost I would have died. You could have avoided that and didn’t. Maybe Marion wouldn’t have kept her word, I don’t know. You tell me vampires are big on rules and honor so maybe she would have. If you had died I would have too. How can I trust you?”