Secrets of My Hollywood Life #1: Secrets of My Hollywood Life

by Jen Calonita

  I give her a you-should-know-better look. "Sky is not going to suspect anything," Liz whispers confidently. "Why would she? I go to school here, not Kaitlin. This is just a crazy coincidence." I sniffle again. Liz reaches into her oversized, slouchy denim handbag and pulls out a pack of tissues.

  "Thanks." I blow my nose with an unladylike snort, then grab another tissue to wipe away my tears. I'm trying not to smudge my eyeliner and mascara, but then I remember that "Rachel" doesn't wear makeup. Get your head glued on straight, Kaitlin!

  From all the crying, my right contact lens seems to be out of whack. I look in my locker mirror and try to shift the lens back in place, but instead it pops out of my eye.

  "Liz, I lost a lens!" I hiss. I drop to the ground to look for it. Liz quickly drops her bag and begins searching too. The two of us run our fingers along the red-specked floor.

  "Lose something?" Out of the corner of my eye I look up. Oh geez, it's Austin. He looks adorable in boat shoes, knock-off Burberry shorts, and a royal blue Polo shirt.

  "Hey, Austin." I try to sound casual and quickly put my head back down. "I, uh, lost a contact."

  "But don't you wear glasses?" he queries, looking confused.

  Oops. "I have a trial pair of contacts to try," I cover quickly. "It doesn't seem like it's going to work out, though."

  "Do you need help looking?" he offers.

  "No, we've got it covered," Liz says hastily. Austin kneels down anyway.

  "It couldn't have gone far," he reasons. His hands slide across the ground. Liz looks at me. I know what she's thinking. If he notices that the contact lens is brown, or worse yet, sees my one green eye....

  "Found it!" Liz yells. She holds out her palm. I grab the lens and stuff it back in my eye, dirt and all.

  "Gross." Austin laughs, looking shocked. "Aren't you supposed to use cleaner or something?"

  "I don't have it with me," I admit. "And I can't walk around with one lens, so ..."

  "We should go, Rach," Liz says. "We're late for first period."

  "Me too," Austin agrees. "My mom got stuck in traffic, so I'm late for Mrs. D." He holds up a note. "I'm hoping she'll accept this. My mom wrote it in French."

  "If that doesn't work, I don't know what will." I gather my books off the floor. I stuff my tortoise-shell glasses in the pile, hoping Austin won't notice.

  "I'll see you guys in Mr. Klein's room. I have to book it over to North Hall for geometry." Liz dashes off, leaving Austin and me alone.

  "Ready to go?" he asks.

  I nod, my eye twitching from the dirty lens. With everything happening, maybe I should tell him I can't go on Friday. "About Friday night," I begin.

  "Oh yeah," Austin says, running a hand through his gelled hair. "I tried calling you all weekend to talk about the details, but you weren't home." I think of Nadine carrying around the "emergency" phone line we set up for Clark calls. I'm sure she ignored the rings because of the Sidekick drama.

  "Yeah, I got back from the wedding later than I planned," I explain, relieved that I remembered my excuse. "But about the dance ..."

  "Yeah, so do you want me to rent us a ride or something? I don't think I can get away with driving my Mom's car with just a learner's permit." He laughs.

  "No, that's okay." What am I thinking? I can't cancel! If the rest of my life is going down the toilet, then at least I can enjoy one last night of happiness ... that is, if my Sidekick notes don't get reprinted in US Weekly before then.

  "Why don't we meet at the dance?" I suggest, sidestepping the dilemma of Austin showing up at my McMansion. "I don't want Beth and Allison to walk in alone. They're going solo."

  "Yeah, you're right." He looks deep in thought. "I'll meet you there. But I hope we recognize each other."

  "What do you mean?" I ask confused.

  "You'll be dressed as Kaitlin!" he laughs. "I can't wait to see how you pull it off."

  "Me too," I respond truthfully.

  Sixteen: Night of a Thousand Stars

  "Aren't you glad you didn't cancel on Austin?" Liz asks me as we hoist a huge A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND STARS banner onto a wall of the gymnasium.

  It's Friday morning, and Allison, Beth, Liz, and I are putting the finishing touches on the gym. The room has been off-limits to everyone but the committee and volunteers all week. We even put black construction paper on the gym door windows so that nobody, including snoopsters Lori and Jessie, can see the room before tonight.

  "Nah, this dance thing seems overrated," I joke. "Maybe I won't show up." We both laugh.

  By Thursday, when no mention of my Sidekick had turned up in the gossips, Laney, Nadine, my parents, and I started to relax a bit. I guess I did accidentally throw it out.

  "A trash compacter probably ground it to pieces by now, taking all your incriminating e-mails with it," Laney said gleefully. She celebrated by ordering me a Sidekick II covered in Swarovski crystals. ( "Sarah Michelle has one just like it!" she boasted. Sky would approve.) Mom was so happy she offered to help me find something Kaitlin-appropriate to wear to the dance. I guess Sky hosting the dance is just a regrettable coincidence. Laney still came up with a worst-case scenario excuse to use if I get caught ( "You're doing top-secret research for a Marie Claire cover story. They wanted you to try living a normal life," Laney concocted. "I'm sure I could convince their editor to cover for you.") I really don't think I'm going to be exposed though. Tonight I'll be concentrating on dancing with Austin in the middle of the basketball court under a sea of streamers to the strains of "Wonderland" by John Mayer. (Cue the eye roll from Paul.)

  And tomorrow ... well, tomorrow, after Hutch Adams gets back from Vienna, where he's vacationing with his third wife, Seth swears he's calling with his decision. The word is that Sky and I are the top two contenders. It makes me want to throw up. "When you get the part," Laney said confidently, "you have to sit down with me and your parents and Nadine and figure out how this 'Rachel' will exit school without anyone noticing."

  I'm hoping if things go well enough, maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to tell Austin tonight who I really am. I'm dying to talk this over with Liz, but if Laney or Nadine overhears me even hypothetically telling Austin who I am, I won't live to see nightfall.

  I have a feeling everything about tonight is going to be perfect. The gym looks amazing. On one end of the room is the stage, which will hold the DJ and Sky. (She's sticking around for the first hour to announce some tunes and gush about how happy she is to be there.) In another corner, we created a faux outdoor seating area that resembles The Ivy restaurant. That's where we have all the food, which is pretty much chicken fingers, corn dogs, and pizza -- the kind of food I always wish I could get at the real Ivy.

  The best part about the gym transformation, though, is the murals. The Anime Club put its talent to good use by painting a different backdrop for each wall: there's the Hollywood sign, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, a street on a studio backlot, and the fourth -- my idea, thank you very much -- is a picture of a group of paparazzi snapping photos. The school photographer will be set up in that corner to take pictures of each couple. Everyone who takes a picture will get a memento photo sleeve that says, I WAS STALKED AT CLARK HALL'S" A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND STARS."

  Cool, huh? It's amazing to think that decorations made from papier-mâché, Elmer's glue, and glitter could feel more exciting than any blitzed out Hollywood affair I'm normally on the VIP list for.

  "Rachel, I have to hand it to you," Allison says, stepping back to admire the starry banner Liz and I just hung. "For someone new to the States, you really know your Hollywood culture. That paparazzi wall is a riot!"

  "Thanks." I grin. "We have camera stalkers in the U.K. too, you know. Just ask Prince Wills."

  Beth pulls the four of us in for a group hug. "I'm so proud of us," she exclaims. "Even Mr. Klein can't say a bad thing about the awesome job we've done."

  "And you know he'd try to come up with something if he could," Liz points out.

  "The biggest pr
ops go to Bethie for pulling off the celebrity host." Allison claps. "Especially after Kaitlin Burke said no."

  Just a few more hours of this, and hopefully I won't have to hear how awful I am for a while. At least not in person.

  "Let's not start that again," Liz warns.

  "Do you know Sky called me again last night?" Beth relates, awestruck. "She told me that she might stay longer than an hour. She may even bring Trevor Wainright!"

  Allison sighs. "I love him."

  "Sky's so cool," Beth gushes, shaking her curly head in amazement.

  "Um, let's not forget she's getting something out of this too," Liz grumbles. "She's bringing a magazine reporter with her. She's doing this for publicity, guys." Aww, thanks, Lizzie.

  "She promised her publicist that she'd do that," Beth retorts defensively. "Sky wants to do this. She told me that the Spring Fling came up at the perfect moment. She was calling Tom Pullman to ask him how she could get involved with some charity work for the show...."

  That's hard to believe.

  "... And he said, 'It just so happens that I have an opportunity for you that Kaitlin just turned down,'" Beth continues.

  Aha! She'd never pass up something like that!

  "She seems very nice," Beth adds. Liz snorts. "The only thing that was odd was when she screamed at her mom for interrupting our phone call. I mean, my mom walks in on my private calls all the time."

  Now that sounds more like the girl I know.

  "Did she say she knew me?" Liz asks. "We don't get along that well."

  "She said she vaguely remembered meeting you," Beth says dismissively.

  Sky definitely would remember Liz. She's met her a dozen times!

  "What time are we meeting at your house, Liz?" Allison interrupts.

  "I was thinking right after school, so that we have time to get ready before Josh arrives," Liz says gleefully. Liz is going as Angelina Jolie. Her date, Josh from kickboxing, is going as Brad Pitt. Beth is going as Halle Berry. And Allison is going as Lindsay Lohan -- from classic red hair days.

  "Did you tell Rob you'd save him a dance?" Allison ribs Beth.

  Beth turns as red as the streamers dangling high above her head. "Yeah," she squeaks. "What time are you meeting Austin, Rach?"

  "I told him seven-thirty in front of The Ivy." Now it's my turn to blush. I'm saved by the bell before anybody can say anything else.

  "My house! Three-thirty!" Liz yells as she races out of the gym. I watch the others leave, and hang back to call Nadine. At this point, Mrs. Desmond knows I'm never on time, so what's another late mark?

  "Hey," Nadine answers the phone. "Everything okay?"

  "I think so." I fill her in on what Beth said about Sky. "Don't you think it's odd that Sky's this excited about a high school dance?"

  "It is strange," Nadine agrees absentmindedly. I can hear her jotting notes in her bible. "But I think you're overreacting."

  I feel my palms begin to sweat again. "I don't think so. I think this proves she snagged my Sidekick." I say, getting hyper.

  Nadine pauses. "She could have taken your Sidekick. But if she had, she would have leaked it to the press by now to snag the Hutch role. She's always so quick to call the tabloids. Why would she sit on something this juicy?"

  "I don't know." Now I'm getting really nervous.

  "You're just anxious about seeing Austin tonight," Nadine soothes. "But I tell you what. If it makes you feel better, I'll call your mom and Laney and tell them about Sky. I'll call you back if we think there's a problem. Just get through your classes and go over to Liz's to get ready."

  "Okay," I say, trying to be calm. Nadine's right. I'm sure I'm just looking for a problem. But I can't help feeling jumpy when Nadine texts my Sidekick II.

  Friday 4/16 6 PM

  FUTUREPREZ: Spoke to Laney. The only call she got about U is 1 from Celeb Insider asking 2 do a piece on U being up 4 the Hutch role.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: U swear?

  FUTUREPREZ: Yes. But your mom, Laney, and I aren't taking chances.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: R U worried?

  FUTUREPREZ: No. Just prepared. Rod and I r coming W/U to make sure nothing goes wrong..

  PRINCESSLEIA25: How?

  FUTUREPREZ: U'll see. Just give Liz a heads-up.

  "Rachel, who are you texting?" Allison asks as she paints her nails bubble gum pink.

  "Oh, just my Mom." I quickly drop my Sidekick II in my bag.

  "Well, stop texting her and go get ready!" Beth exclaims, waving her mascara wand. "We've got to leave in an hour!"

  At 6:55 PM, Angelina, Halle, Lindsay, and I, the fake Kaitlin Burke, are finally ready. All that's left to do is meet Liz's date, Josh, who is being dropped off at her house at seven. I've never seen Liz look so nervous. She keeps playing with her hair extensions and double-checking her fake tattoos to make sure they haven't smudged.

  "Liz, you've outdone us all," I say in awe, admiring her strapless black leather gown and laced-up strappy heels. I peer over the upstairs landing and see a guy below holding a pink corsage box. He's pacing the marble tile floor. "He's here," I whisper. Liz pushes the hair from her extension behind her ear and takes the lead down the entrance hall's ten-foot-wide pink marble staircase.

  "Hey," Josh murmurs, clearing his throat at the sight of Liz looking so bootylicious. For his Brad Pitt look, Josh is wearing beat-up jeans, a stained gray tee over his muscular upper body, and is sporting bluish bruises on his arms and face.

  "Wow, who did your makeup?" Beth asks him. "Those bruises look awesome."

  "They're real," Liz explains proudly. "Josh won our kick-boxing championship on Wednesday night." Josh blushes slightly, the pink hue matching his strawberry blond hair.

  "Hi, girls, Josh," Mr. Mendes greets us, walking by the staircase as he throws on his coat. "Have a good time." He's wearing a leather jacket, and black shades cover his bald head, even though it's nighttime. Mr. Mendes gives me a little wink. I wink back. He's the only other person outside my camp who knows my secret. Laney thought my lawyer was a good person to inform, in case of emergency.

  "Wait, Dad -- aren't you driving us?" Liz asks.

  "Actually, I have a better idea." He grins and opens the front door. We look outside. In the large circular driveway is a deluxe black Hummer limo. Standing in front of it, wearing a tux, is none other than Rodney. He's not used to dressing so formally and looks uncomfortable with the top button of his shirt done up.

  "Rod!" Backup has arrived.

  "Good evening, ladies." Rodney cuts me off before I can put my foot in my mouth. "I'm Rodney. I'm going to be your driver for the evening." He tilts his hat forward and bows.

  Allison laughs. "This is so cool. I bet no one else is arriving in a limo tonight."

  "Other than Sky," Beth reminds her.

  "Have fun, ladies." Mr. Mendes winks at me and Liz again. "And Josh, make sure you get my daughter home on time tonight."

  "Yes, s-sir, Mr. Mendes," Josh stutters. Mr. Mendes gives Liz a peck on the check and jumps into his red Jag. He's probably off to have dinner with Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani.

  When Rodney opens the back door to the limo, I can't believe my eyes. Out pops Nadine wearing a crisply tailored cream-colored pant suit. She has a digital camera dangling from her neck. She strides over to Liz, never once looking in my direction.

  "You must be Liz." She shakes her hand firmly. "I'm Nadine. Your dad asked me to take professional pictures of you as a memento of the evening."

  I have to hand it to Nadine. She's sneaky enough to run for office.

  "Wow," Beth exclaims. She looks at her watch. "We don't really have much time though...."

  "Actually, I'm going to be riding along with you," Nadine informs us. "I can hang out with Rodney here and take pictures of you and your dates afterwards too." Liz looks shyly at Josh.

  "Yeah, no date here," Allison announces wryly, pointing at herself.

  "You've got me." Beth links arms with Allison.

  "Rach, she can
take a picture of you and Austin," Allison offers.

  "Aww, you guys are going to look so cute together," Beth teases. "I can't believe how much you look like Kaitlin Burke." She stands back to admire my vintage green silk Oriental dress by So Chic. It's Sam's from a dinner party episode. I wore the dress home one night after a late shoot and forgot to bring it back. I don't think anyone even realizes it's missing.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SEVENTEEN: Costume designers make several copies of a crucial outfit. If it's something the actor has to wear all the time, they can't risk it getting damaged during filming, so they buy more than one. When you go to Planet Hollywood and see Superman's cape, just remember, there are several more just like it sitting in a studio warehouse. On FA, we have about ten copies of Sam's cheerleading uniform.

  The hardest part about my Kaitlin costume was the wig. I had to put a cheap pale blond synthetic wig over my own blond hair. I locked myself in Liz's bathroom to do it and crammed my short brown bob under Liz's sink.

  "Thanks, Bethie. You look better than Halle yourself." Beth smiles at me. She's got her hair pinned back smoothly and is wearing a gorgeous taupe bridesmaid's dress that she wore to her sister's wedding. The crushed satin gown looks a lot like something I saw Halle wear to the SAG Awards last year. Allison looks good too in a pin-straight long red wig and a skin-tight black mini-dress that shows off her dancer's legs.

  Josh takes Liz's hand and helps her climb into the limo, then turns around and helps Beth and Allison. As they each giggle and disappear into the dark cabin, I can't help but feel a little guilty. Beth and Allison have been so nice to me. Well, the fake me. I wonder what they're going to think when Rachel leaves Clark.

  "Rach, or should I say, Kaitlin, are you coming?" Allison asks, sticking her head out of the shiny stretch. I take Josh's hand and climb inside. At least I won't forget my name tonight. I sit down, and the green sequined clutch resting on my lap begins to vibrate. I pull out my cell phone and look at the screen. It's Laney.

  "Hi, Mum," I answer.

  "FEEL BETTER ABOUT TONIGHT?" Laney shouts. I hear cheering in the background and the sound of cameras going off. She must be at a movie premiere.