Three Plays by Mae West

by Schlissel, Lillian

  Dawson What do you think this is? An ash can? Don’t try to pull that wise stuff on me. You been getting away with murder.

  MARGY I don’t see why I should pay for the privilege of working. You got about all you’re going to get out of me.

  Dawson Well, if that’s the way you feel about it, we’ll see how far you get.

  MARGY Don’t slam the door on the way out.

  (Exit DAWSON. Door slams.) He did.

  Rocky Looks like he’s going to start something.

  MARGY Well, he can start it and I’ll finish it. How many times have I told you to keep him out of here?

  Rocky Well, I didn’t ask him to come up. Where are my collars? (Exits. Calls from Off stage:) Hey Marge, where are my collars? Marge, come on and find them for me.

  MARGY Find them yourself, they’re your collars.

  Rocky Why don’t you leave things where I put them? (Enters.) You didn’t even put buttons on my shirt.

  MARGY What do you think I am, your wife? The trouble with you, you’ve been spoiled. Too many janes been waiting on you. Here’s one jane don’t fall for that stuff.

  Rocky Is that SO?

  MARGY If there’s any waiting on around here, I’m the one that’s going to get it. I’m a jane that craves service.

  Rocky Ain’t you funny.

  MARGY Don’t wise crack at me, because I’m about ready to give you the air.

  Rocky Give me the air? Give me the air? You can’t get away with that so easy.

  MARGY No?

  Rocky Not after what I’ve done for you.

  MARGY What did you ever do for me?

  Rocky Say, who meets the guys and steers them down here to you? Me. Who’s the business head of this here dump? Me. Who raised your price? Me. And you want to know what I did? I started you didn’t I? Yes, and I didn’t only start you, I made you, get me, I made you.

  MARGY You made me what I am today, I hope you’re satisfied. I’ll admit you’re a great guy and all that.

  Rocky You do admit I’m a great guy.

  MARGY Oh, without question. But just the same, I’m getting tired of you and this dump.

  Rocky Not good enough for you, eh?

  MARGY Oh, I’m going somewhere where I can play around with the heavy sugar daddies and see life and get something for it, instead of sitting around here night after night waiting for your cheap bunch.

  Rocky Gee, getting high brow. Want to play rich. You’re alright where you are.

  MARGY Think so?

  Rocky Getting some fool ideas about bein’ decent, eh?

  MARGY Suppose I am.

  Rocky Baby, you’ll never be anything but what you are. So that’s that.

  MARGY If a jane like Nan Chalmers can do it, I certainly can.

  Rocky You mean that gal that used to live next door?

  MARGY Yes. She had a guy she thought she was in love with and thought she needed and then she got wise. Now she’s married to an old guy, and she’s got a mansion up near Boston and a limousine and diamonds and everything she wants.

  Rocky And wait until the old gink finds out what she is. Watch him unload her.

  MARGY How’s he going to find out?

  Rocky Easy kid, easy. Plenty of nice people ready to spill the good news.

  MARGY But suppose he really loves her?

  Rocky Don’t make me laugh. It can’t be done. Anyway, his friends and family won’t stand for it. Listen, you lose this idea about being decent. Stick to your trade, kid, you were made for it. Rocky wouldn’t steer you wrong.

  MARGY No, Rocky wouldn’t steer me wrong. Rocky’s just a wise guy, at least he thinks he is. Anyway my mind’s made up and that’s that. What’s the idea of dolling up? You look like you have a heavy date. Meetin’ the society dame Manly was talking about? The one you picked up at the opera?

  Rocky You can’t tell, maybe yes, maybe no.

  MARGY Well good luck to you—you’ll need it.

  Rocky She knows a nifty guy when she sees one. I’m class, babe. Just look at that figure.

  MARGY Take it to her and let her look at it. I’m tired of looking at it.

  Rocky There’s plenty of dames ready to take me in.

  MARGY White ones? Just take the tooth brush and park the body some place else.

  Rocky Where are you going tonight?

  MARGY I don’t know.

  Rocky What time are you coming back?

  MARGY I don’t know. Maybe I won’t come back at all.

  Rocky Now don’t pull that stuff on me, because you aren’t going to get away from me so easy. You’re mine and you belong to me. You try to get away from me and I’ll plant you under the daisies.

  MARGY What are you trying to do? Scare someone? Just because you croaked a guy and got away with it don’t think I’m afraid of you. You know if I start talking, I can put a rope around that lily white neck of yours.

  Rocky You wouldn’t dare squawk on a fellow for that. Besides, I know you too well. You haven’t the heart to turn anyone up. If I thought you had, I’d finish you now. I won’t get any more for killing two than I will for killing one.

  MARGY Don’t be too sure about that. Now I’m going to give you a little inside information—I’m going to leave you the first chance I get.

  Rocky What are we doing, telling jokes to each other? Get that idea out of your head about leaving me, because if you did, I’d go get you. Lose this idea about being decent. You’re just what you are and that’s all you ever will be. There’s only one thing about you to hold a guy, and outside of that you’re merely nothing. Want to give Rocky a little kiss before he goes, you beautiful thing you?

  MARGY Go kiss your society dame.

  (Enter AGNES.)

  Rocky Thanks. (Exits.)

  MARGY Hello kid.

  Agnes MARGY, I just wanted to give you some more money to keep for me. There’s five there.

  MARGY Alright, I’ll put it with the rest.

  Agnes I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for you. You can’t trust anyone.

  MARGY Good motto, Agnes. Trust no one and you’ll never be gyped.

  Agnes I wonder what Curley would do if he ever found out?

  MARGY What, that you are putting a little away for yourself? Don’t suppose I hand over the day’s receipts to Rocky.

  Agnes No, it ain’t only that. I’m planning to go away as soon as I have enough.

  MARGY Going where?

  Agnes Back home.

  MARGY Home? Do you think you can get away with it?

  Agnes Why not? They think I’m working for a living.

  MARGY Well ain’t you?

  Agnes I manage to send them a few dollars once in a while.

  MARGY Listen Agnes. They’ll find out and then it will be worse than this for you.

  Agnes Home. It seems like years since I’ve been there.

  MARGY You’ve spilled the tale about the old folks and the little white cottage so often, kid, I can almost see the place. What’s the use of breaking their hearts as well as your own?

  Agnes But I can’t go on. I—Oh, MARGY, I wasn’t meant for this sort of thing.

  MARGY If I was as dissatisfied as you are I’d join the Salvation Army.

  First Man (Knocks. MARGY Opens The Door) Hello MARGY.

  MARGY I’m sorry, but I’m not entertaining tonight.

  First Man I come down extra to see you. Can’t you help a fellow out?

  MARGY I’m sorry.

  First Man But listen girlie—

  MARGY Good night.

  First Man Jees. (Closes door.)

  (Church bells. AGNES cries.)

  MARGY Well, what’s the matter?

  Agnes Those bells, every time they ring it seems as if—Oh I—can’t stand it MARGY, I can’t stand it. Back home the little old church—

  MARGY Don’t give me that church business again. You’ll have me going back to the old homestead.

  Agnes Oh, MARGY, if you’d only understand.

  MARGY I understa
nd that you got to get a grip on yourself or you’ll never get anywhere.

  Agnes Anywhere in this life?

  MARGY Why not? There’s a chance of rising to the top of every profession.

  Agnes Profession? You call this—Oh Gawd.

  MARGY Yes, I said rising to the top of my profession. Why not? Others do it, why can’t I? Why can’t you? When I think of the dames riding around in swell limousines, buying imported gowns, living at the swellest hotels, terrible looking janes, too. You know if I have to I can put on the ritz, too. Course I don’t pull that stuff around here, not at these prices. And there’s nothing the matter with you. You’re a pretty refined kid. Come from good folks, at least you say you do. It’s all a question of getting some guy to pay for the certain business, that’s all.

  Agnes Oh, that’s what you mean to do?

  MARGY That’s what I’m going to do. I’m sick of this town and everything in it.

  Agnes Yeah, and how are you going to find the rich man?

  MARGY Advertise for him in the daily papers. Tack a sign up around the town for him. Say, either you’re so wise we can’t catch up with you or you’re the original Dumb Dora.

  Agnes Oh, I see what you mean.

  MARGY Oh, you do.

  Agnes I’m sorry I made you angry, MARGY. You’ve been pretty good to me and when I get back home—

  MARGY When you get back home, old girl, you’ll be buying a through ticket back here, mark my words. They won’t let you go straight. They’ll hold you up as an example. I tried it. I know.

  Agnes You’re wrong, MARGY, and maybe some day—

  MARGY Yeah, and until that some day comes, I’m satisfied to be wrong. Going out tonight?

  Agnes No I’m staying in with Curley. I feel I’m kinder doing him wrong, leaving him like this, and that’s what’s holding me back.

  MARGY Curley?

  Agnes Yes, he’d be lost without me.

  MARGY The lost and found department will take care of him alright.

  Agnes I loved him MARGY in the beginning and—

  MARGY Loved him in the beginning, and you thought you couldn’t live without him, and then you found out you couldn’t live with him. That’s the trouble with women like us. They have a tag on them. Go it alone Agnes, there’s more chance of getting ahead.

  Agnes I’ll leave Curley enough money—MARGY: Let the big bum go to work. AGNES: But he ain’t very strong, Marge.

  MARGY Would be tough on that guy if he had to get a job for himself. Well you run along to your Curley, I’ve got to fix this dress up.

  Agnes Alright, Good night Marge.

  MARGY Good night.

  (RED and FLOSSIE knock.)

  MARGY Open up that door and let’s see what this is. (AGNES opens door.) (Enter RED and and FLOSSIE.)

  Agnes My goodness, it’s fighting Red.

  Red Say, I want to talk to you!

  MARGY Well, shoot, what is it?

  Red I want you to lay off my man.

  MARGY Which one?

  Red Sailor Dan from Kansas.

  MARGY Sailor Dan from Kansas? Never heard of him. RED: Oh, yes you have.

  MARGY I’ll tell you whether I have or not. Hey Aggie, over on that table you’ll find a little book.

  Agnes No, it ain’t here.

  MARGY Red, you look in the second drawer, and Flossie give us a cigarette. (AGNES takes things out of the drawer.)

  Hey, just the book, just the book. Sailor Dan from Kansas …oh, sailor Dan from Kansas. Yeah Sailor Dan from Kansas, flat feet, asthma, check came back, oh, baby, I’ll make you a present of that bird. He’s yours.

  Red Well, you better.

  MARGY Now, don’t be a girl like that.

  MARGY Say Floss, do you still go around with Oklahoma Jack?

  Flossie Oh, he got married.

  MARGY Yes, but you didn’t answer my question.

  Red And Flossie Well, the nerve of her—(Ad lib and exit.)

  Agnes Good night, Marge.

  MARGY Good night. (Exit AGNES.)

  (A knock.)

  MARGY Come in.

  Jones (Enters) Well, well, if it isn’t the beautiful blonde mamma they’re all raving about. I always did like blondes. I don’t care how they get that way, just so long as they’re blondes.

  MARGY Sorry, but you’ll have to go.

  Jones You don’t mean to tell me you’re going to give me the gate? Oh, mamma, you don’t know what you’re missing.

  MARGY You wouldn’t fool me?

  Jones If I go now, can I come back later?

  MARGY Yeah, you can come back.

  Jones In one hour I’ll be back to the girl I left behind me. Oh, baby, I’ve got something you want.

  MARGY You wouldn’t fool me?

  Jones Listen kid, Jones is my moniker, clean underwear and everything. Over the river. (Exits.) (Phone rings.)

  MARGY Hello, hello. Oh hello there, kid, how are you? Great, great. Where are you? Where? Oh the Tremaine Cafe. Who’s with you? Who? Oh, and how! Yeah. Oh, in about fifteen minutes. Well, say, I’ve got to get dressed. Yeah, alright. Goodbye kid.

  Gregg (Knocks And Enters) Hello, Marge. How are you?

  MARGY When did you get in?

  Gregg Oh, I got into port this morning. Couldn’t think of spending my shore leave with anyone but you, old gal. Warm in here. Mind if I take my jacket off?

  MARGY Sorry, but I’m not entertaining company tonight, Gregg.

  Gregg Oh, don’t consider me company. Just treat me as one of the family. I’m back with three months pay and aching for a good time. You and I’ll have plenty of sport.

  MARGY I’m in no mood for sport, Gregg.

  Gregg Oh, you’re out of sorts. Anything on your mind?

  MARGY You wouldn’t understand.

  Gregg I’d hate to say you’re not telling the truth, but you are out of sorts. I’ll just play a tune on the jolly old music box, that’ll cheer you up a bit.

  MARGY Gregg, if you want to do me a favor, you’ll get out of here as quick as you can.

  Gregg Now, you don’t mean that.

  MARGY Do I look as if I were kidding?

  Gregg What’s the matter? Some of the neighbors’ kids been stealing your marbles?

  MARGY What is that supposed to be—one of your English wisecracks?

  Gregg No, no. It’s rather clever though. Don’t be angry with me, old dear. I didn’t mean any harm, just couldn’t resist the temptation of a bright remark. Oh, I’ve got something for you, wait until you see this, wait until you see this.

  MARGY Well, come on and let’s see it.

  Gregg You’ll get it, you’ll get it. I don’t mind telling you I had an awful time saving it for you. Why all the women were fighting for it.

  MARGY It better be good.

  Gregg It’s good alright. It’s the best you could get, but you’ve got to be very careful not to bend it.

  (Produces the feather of a bird of paradise.)

  MARGY What a bird, what a bird! How did you know I wanted one?

  Gregg Oh, I know your little weaknesses.

  MARGY You know too much. Where did you get it, honey?

  Gregg Away down south.

  MARGY Won’t I burn the janes up when I wear this!

  Gregg Now you’re happy, suppose you spill the trouble.

  MARGY Oh, you wouldn’t understand.

  Gregg Never can tell, old gal.

  MARGY I’m sick of this town and everything that goes with it. Damn him.

  Gregg Oh the gentleman friend, eh?

  MARGY Gentleman—hell. You’re the first one to ever call him that!

  Gregg Well of course, I never met him. Why don’t you chuck the bugger? Leave him and travel around a bit. You’d soon forget him. Good lord, gal, I’ve forgotten a hell of a lot in the same way. I’m serious about this travelling around. It would be good for you. But maybe you don’t care for travelling.

  MARGY The way I feel now I’d take a trip to hell if I could get a return ticket.


  Gregg Oh well, I don’t expect to go as far as that at present. But seriously speaking, you could make a lot of money travelling around with me. All the gals who are following the fleet are getting rich, and besides they see the world and its ceilings.

  MARGY Sounds good. I’ll think it over.

  Gregg Oh it’s a sweet existence. I wish I were a gal. You know I’d love to meet up with you in every port I go into. And I could help you a lot by dropping a word here and there among the boys.

  MARGY Sort of an agent.

  Gregg Oh, I wouldn’t put it like that. But maybe you and I could hit it up together, eh?

  MARGY What are you trying to do, set yourself in for a home?

  Gregg No, no.

  MARGY Never mind. You wouldn’t be the first.

  (Knock. MARGY opens the door.)

  Second Man Hello dearie, don’t you remember me?

  MARGY No, I don’t remember you.

  Second Man What, you mean to say you don’t remember me?

  MARGY No, you yellow-bellied piece of cheese, I don’t remember you!

  Second Man Yellow-bellied? I thought you said you didn’t remember me?

  (GREGG shuts the door hard.)

  MARGY (To Gregg) What are you doing?

  Gregg Locking up.

  MARGY What’s the idea?

  Gregg These interruptions are damned annoying. We don’t want to be disturbed. I expect to be here for a long time.

  MARGY Well, you’re out of luck.

  Gregg Just exactly what do you mean?

  MARGY I’m going out.

  Gregg I’d hate to be disappointed. I put myself out a lot to come and see you, I don’t mind telling you.

  MARGY That’s your hard luck. Here’s your jacket.

  Gregg Oh, I say.

  MARGY Come on. Put it on.

  Gregg You can’t really mean that, you know.

  MARGY No, I’m just exercising my lungs.

  Gregg Well, of course, if you insist. Just to show you I’m not a bad sort, I’ll take you down to the Black Cat Cafe and spend the money I was going to spend here.

  MARGY Alright, only I’ll let you take me to the Tremaine instead.

  Gregg Anywhere you say, old dear.

  MARGY Take that key out of the door. Put it on the outside. GREGG: But I say old dear, it’s a hell of a trick to lay on a fellow. (MARGY takes his arm and they exit together.)