The House of Blue Leaves and Chaucer in Rome

by John Guare

  The NUNS are praying for Corrinna.

  LITTLE NUN: Our Father, Who art in heaven …

  SECOND NUN: You shut up. I want to pray for her. Our Father—

  HEAD NUN blows a whistle: I’ll pray for her. She sings:

  Ave Maria—

  The THREE NUNS sing “Ave Maria.”

  RONNIE enters wearing his army overcoat over the altar boy’s cassock and carrying the box with the bomb. He speaks over the singing.

  RONNIE: Pop! Pop! I’m going!

  ARTIE: Ronnie! Corrinna, this is the boy. To us: He’s been down to Fort Dix studying to be a general—

  RONNIE: Pop, I’m going to blow up the Pope.

  ARTIE: See how nice you look with your hair all cut—

  The NUNS have finished singing “Ave Maria” and take flash pictures of themselves posing with Corrinna.

  RONNIE: Pop, I’m going to blow up the Pope and when Time interviews me tonight, I won’t even mention you. I’ll say I was an orphan.

  ARTIE: Ronnie, why didn’t you write and let me know you were coming home? I might’ve been in California—It’s great to see you—

  CORRINNA runs to the front door, then stops: Oh, wait a minute. The Pope’s Mass at Yankee Stadium! I have two tickets for the Pope’s Mass at Yankee Stadium. Would anybody like them?

  The NUNS and RONNIE rush Corrinna for the tickets, forcing her back against the door, RONNIE wins the tickets and comes downstage to retrieve his gift-wrapped bomb. When he turns around to leave, the THREE NUNS are advancing threateningly on him. They will not let him pass. They lunge at him. He runs into the bedroom for protection.

  ARTIE, at the front door: Miss Stroller, two years? Let’s get this Australia part straight. Two years?

  An M.P. steps between Artie and Corrinna and marches into the room. The M.P. searches the room.

  ARTIE: Who are you? What are you doing here? Can I help you?

  CORRINNA: Oh! This must be Ronnie! The son in the Army! I can’t wait to hear all about you! She embraces the M.P.

  The M.P. hears the noises and fighting from Ronnie’s room and runs in there.

  CORRINNA, to Artie: He looks just like you!

  ARTIE, following the M.P.. You can’t barge into a house like this—where are you going?

  The LITTLE NUN runs out of the bedroom, triumphantly waving the tickets, almost knocking Artie over.

  LITTLE NUN: I got ’em! I got ’em!

  RONNIE runs out after her. The other TWO NUNS run after him. The M.P. runs after them. RONNIE runs into the kitchen after the LITTLE NUN, who leaps over the couch. RONNIE

  leaps after her. He lands on top of her. He grabs the tickets.

  HEAD NUN, to the M.P.: Make him give us back our tickets.

  M.P. takes a deep breath and then: Ronald-V.-Shaughnessy.-You-are-under-arrest-for-being-absent-without-leave.-You-have-the-right-to-remain-silent.-I-must-warn-you-that-any-thing-you-say-may-be-used-against-you-in-a-military-court-of-law.-You-have-the-right-to-counsel.-Do-you-wish-to-call-counsel?

  RONNIE attempts escape. The HEAD NUN bears down on him.

  HEAD NUN: That altar boy stole our tickets!

  SECOND NUN: Make him give them back to us!

  RONNIE throws the tickets down. The HEAD NUN grabs them.

  HEAD NUN, to the little nun: You! Back to Ridgewood! Yahoo! She exits.

  SECOND NUN, to Corrinna: Good luck with your ear operation. She exits.

  CORRINNA: This is an invitation—come to California.

  RONNIE, tossing the bomb to Corrinna: From me to Billy—

  CORRINNA: Oh, how sweet. I can’t wait to open it. Hold the elevator!! She runs out.

  ARTIE, to the M.P., who is struggling with Ronnie: Hey, what are you doing to my boy?!?

  A MAN dressed in medical whites enters.

  WHITE MAN: I got a radio message to pick up a Mrs. Arthur M. Shaughnessy.

  ARTIE: Bananas! He runs to her bedroom.

  BUNNY, dancing in through the front door, beaming and dressed like a million bucks: Ta Ta! Announcing Mrs. Arthur M. Shaughnessy!

  WHITE MAN: That’s the name. Come along.

  BUNNY, to us, sings:

  I’m here with bells on,

  Ringing out how I feel …

  The WHITE MAN slips the strait jacket on Bunny. She struggles. He drags her out. She’s fighting wildly. ARTIE returns.

  ARTIE: Wait. Stop.

  RONNIE pulls him from the door as there is a terrible explosion. Pictures fly off the wall. Smoke pours in from the hall.

  BUNNY, entering through the smoke: Artie? Where’s Corrinna? Where’s Corrinna?

  ARTIE: Corrinna?

  ARTIE runs out into the hall with BUNNY.

  The lights dim as RONNIE and the M.P. grapple in slow motion, the LITTLE NUN trying to pull the M.P. off Ronnie.

  BANANAS comes downstage into the light. An unattached vacuum hose is wrapped around her shoulders. She cleans the floor with the metallic end of the hose. She smiles at us.

  BANANAS, to us: My house is a mess…. Let me straighten up…. I can do that…. I’m a housewife…. I’m good for something…. She sings as she vacuums:

  I love you so I keep dream …

  She closes her eyes. Artie, you could salvage that song. You really could.

  CURTAIN

  SCENE 2

  In the darkness after the curtain we hear the POPE from Yankee Stadium. He gives his speech in heavily accented English. An announcer provides simultaneous translation in unaccented English.

  VOICE OF THE POPE: We feel, too, that the entire American people is here present with its noblest and most characteristic traits: a people basing its conception of life on spiritual values, on a religious sense, on freedom, on loyalty, on work, on the respect of duty, on family affection, on generosity and courage—

  The curtain goes up.

  It is later that night, and the only illumination in the room is the light from the television.

  The house is vaguely picked up but not repaired, and everything is askew: neat—things are picked up off the floor, for instance—but lampshades are just tilted enough, pictures on the wall just slanted enough, and we see that everything that had been on the floor—the clothes, the suitcases—has been jammed into corners.

  ARTIE is watching the television.

  Another person is sitting in the easy chair in front of the TV.

  —safeguarding the American spirit from those dangers which prosperity itself can entail and which the materialism of our day can make even more menacing…. From its brief but heroic history, this young and flourishing country can derive lofty and convincing examples to encourage us all in its future progress.

  From the easy chair, we hear sobbing. The deep sobbing of a man.

  ARTIE clicks off the television and clicks on the lights. He has put a coat and tie over his green park clothes. He’s very uncomfortable and is trying to be very cheery. The MAN in the chair keeps sobbing.

  ARTIE: I’m glad he said that. That Pope up at Yankee Stadium —some guy. Boy, isn’t that Pope some guy. You ever met him in your travels? … You watch. That gang war in Vietnam—over tomorrow …

  Brightly: People always talking about a certain part of the anatomy of a turkey like every Thanksgiving you say give me the Pope’s nose. But that Pope is a handsome guy. Not as good-looking as you and me, but clean. Businesslike.

  To us: This is the one. The only. You guessed it: this is Billy. He got here just before the eleven o’clock news. He had to identify Corrinna’s body, so he’s a little upset. You forgive him, okay?

  Billy, come on—don’t take it so hard…. You want to take off your shoes? … You want to get comfortable?

  … You want a beer? … He sits at the piano and plays and sings:

  If there’s a broken heart

  For every light on Broadway,

  Screw in another bulb …

  You like that? … Look, Billy, I’m sorry as hell we had to get together this way…. Look at it this way. It
was quick. No pain. Pain is awful, but she was one of the luckies, Bill. She just went. And the apartment is all insured. They’ll give us a new elevator and everything.

  BILLY: The one thing she wanted was …

  ARTIE: Come on, boy. Together. Cry, cry, get it all out.

  BILLY: She wanted her footprints in Grauman’s Chinese. I’m going to have her shoes set in wet cement. A ceremony. A tribute. God knows she’d hate it.

  ARTIE: Hate it?

  BILLY: Ahh, ever since the ears went, she stopped having the push, like she couldn’t hear her different drummer any more, drumming up all that push to get her to the top. She just stopped. He cries. Deep sobs.

  ARTIE, uncomfortable: She could’ve been one of the big ones. A lady Biggie. Boy. Stardust. Handfuls of it. All over her. Come on, boy … easy … easy … Impatient: Bill, that’s enough.

  BILLY: Do you have any tea bags?

  ARTIE: You want a drink? Got the bourbon here—the Jack Daniels—

  BILLY: No. Tea bags. Two. One for each eye.

  ARTIE, puzzled: Coming right up…. He goes into the kitchen and opens the cabinets.

  BILLY: Could you wet them? My future is all ashes, Artie. In the morning, I’ll fly back with Corrinna’s body, fly back to L.A. and stay there. I can’t work. Not for a long, long time, if ever again. I was supposed to go to Australia, but no … all ashes…. He puts one wet tea bag over each eye. God, it’s good to see you again, Artie.

  ARTIE: Billy, you can’t! You owe it—golly, Billy, the world—Bunny and me—we fell out of our loge seats—I’d be crazy if it wasn’t for the laughs, for the romance you bring. You can’t let this death stand in the way. Look what’s happened to your old buddy. I’ve become this Dreaming Boy. I make all these Fatimas out of the future. Lourdes and Fatima. All these shrines out of the future and I keep crawling to them. Don’t let that happen to you. Health. Health. You should make a musical. Listen to this. He goes to the piano and plays and sings:

  Back together again,

  Back together again …

  BANANAS appears in the bedroom doorway dressed in clothes that must have been very stylish and elegant ten years earlier.

  BILLY starts: Georgina!!

  ARTIE stops playing.

  BANANAS: No, Billy …

  BILLY stands up: Oh God—for a minute I thought it was …

  ARTIE: Don’t she look terrific …

  BILLY: Let me look at you. Turn around. She does. Jesus, didn’t Georgina have good taste.

  BANANAS, turning: I used to read Vogue on the newsstands to see what I’d be wearing in three years.

  BILLY: Georgina took that dress right off her back and gave it to you. What a woman she was …

  BILLY is crying again.

  BANANAS: I put it on to make you happy, Billy.

  ARTIE: Easy, Billy, easy …

  BANANAS: It’s a shame it’s 1965. I’m like the best-dressed woman of 1954.

  BILLY, starting to laugh and cheer up: You got the best of them all, Artie. Hello, Bananas!

  BANANAS: Sometimes I curse you for giving me that name, Billy.

  BILLY: A little Italian girl. What else was I going to call her?

  The LITTLE NUN rushes in from the bedroom, her habit wet.

  LITTLE NUN: Mr. Shaughnessy! Quick—the bathtub—the shower—the hot water is steaming—running over—I can’t turn it—there’s nothing to turn—

  ARTIE runs into the bedroom. The LITTLE NUN looks at Billy. BILLY smiles at her. The LITTLE NUN runs into the bedroom. BANANAS show him a spigot.

  BANANAS: I did it to burn her.

  BILLY: Burn who?

  BANANAS: Burn her downstairs. Have the hot water run through the ceiling and give her blisters. He won’t like her so much when she’s covered with blisters. Hot water can do that. It’s one of the nicest properties of hot water.

  BILLY: Burn who???

  BANANAS: Kate Smith!! She holds the spigot behind her back.

  ARTIE, running in from the bedroom to the kitchen: Wrench. Wrench. Screwdriver. He rattles through drawers. Brightly, to Billy: God, don’t seem possible. Twenty years ago. All started right on this block. Didn’t we have some times? The Rainbow Room. Leon and Eddie’s. I got the pictures right here.

  The pictures are framed on the wall by the front door. BILLY comes up to them.

  BILLY: Leon and Eddie’s!

  ARTIE, indicating another picture: The Village Barn.

  BANANAS: The Village Barn. God, I loved the Village Barn.

  ARTIE: It’s closed, Bananas. Finished. Like you.

  LITTLE NUN: Mr. Shaughnessy—please?

  ARTIE runs into the bedroom.

  LITTLE NUN: Mr. Einhorn?

  BILLY: Hello?

  LITTLE NUN: I was an usher before I went in and your name always meant quality. She runs into the bedroom.

  BILLY: Why—Thank you …

  BANANAS: Help me, Billy? They’re coming again to make me leave. Let me stay here? They’ll listen to you. You see, they give me pills so I won’t feel anything. Now I don’t mind not feeling anything so long as I can remember feeling. You see? And this apartment, you see, here, right here, I stand in this corner and I remember laughing so hard. Doubled up. At something Ronnie did. Artie said. And I stand over here where I used to iron. When I could iron, I’d iron right here, and even then, the buttons, say, on button-down shirts could make me sob, cry … and that window, I’d stand right here and mix me a rye-and-ginger pick-me-up and watch the lights go on in the Empire State Building and feel so tender … unprotected. … I don’t mind not feeling so long as I can be in a place I remember feeling. You get me? You get me? Don’t look at me dead. I’m no Georgina. I’m no Corrinna. Help me? Help Ronnie?

  BILLY: Ronnie’s in jail.

  BANANAS: I don’t mind the bars. But he can’t take them. He’s not strong like his mom. Come closer to me? Don’t let them hear. She strokes his eyebrows. Oh, you kept your mustache. Nothing’s changed. She sings:

  Should auld acquaintance be forgot …

  ARTIE comes out of the bedroom, soaking wet: Those are eyebrows, Bananas. Eyebrows. Come on, where is it? He reaches behind Bananas’s back and pulls the silver faucet handle from her clenched fist. Billy, you see the wall I’m climbing? He goes back into the bedroom with it.

  The LITTLE NUN looks out into the living room.

  LITTLE NUN, to Billy: We never got introduced.

  BILLY: Do I know you?

  BANANAS goes into the corner by the window.

  LITTLE NUN, coming into the room: No, but my two friends died with your friend today.

  BILLY: I’m very sorry for you.

  LITTLE NUN: No, it’s all right. All they ever wanted to do was die and go to heaven and meet Jesus. The convent was very depressing. Pray a while. Scream a while. Well, they got their wish, so I’m happy.

  BILLY: If your friends died with my friend, then that makes us—oh God! Bananas! That makes us all friends! You friends and me friends and we’re all friends!

  BANANAS: Help Ronnie. Help him. She hands Billy the phone.

  BILLY, on the phone: Operator—my friend the operator—get me person-to-person my friend General Buckley Revere in the Pentagon—202 Lincoln 5-5600.

  ARTIE, coming out of the bedroom: No, Billy … no favors for Ronnie. The kid went AWOL. M.P.’s dragging him out of the house. You think I like that? To Bananas: That kid’s your kid, Bananas. You got the crazy monopoly on all the screwball chromosomes in that kid.

  BILLY: Buck? Bill.

  ARTIE, to Bananas: Let him learn responsibility. Let him learn to be a man.

  BILLY: Buck, just one favor: my godchild, Ron Shaughnessy.

  He’s in the brig at Fort Dix. He wanted to see the Pope.

  ARTIE, to Bananas: Billy and me served our country. You think Billy could call up generals like that if he wasn’t a veteran! To us: I feel I got to apologize for the kid…. I tried to give him good strong things …

  BILLY: Buck, has the Army lost su
ch heart that it won’t let a simple soldier get a glimpse of His Holiness …

  The front door opens. BUNNY enters. She looks swell and great and all the Webster Dictionary synonyms for terrific. She’s all exclamation points: pink and white!!! She carries an open umbrella and a steaming casserole in her potholder-covered hands.

  BUNNY: Arthur, are you aware The Rains of Ranchipur are currently appearing on my ceiling?

  ARTIE: Ssshhhhhhh…. Indicating her pot: Is that the veal and oranges?

  BUNNY: That’s right, Arthur. I’m downstairs making veal and oranges and what do I get from you? Boiling drips.

  ARTIE: That’s Billy.… Billy’s here. He takes the umbrella from her.

  BUNNY: Billy Einhorn here? And you didn’t call me? Oh, Mr. Einhorn. She steps into the room. She is beaming. She poses. And that’s why the word Voila was invented. Excuse my rudeness. Hi, Artie. Hi, Bananas.

  BILLY, on the phone: Thank you, Buck. Yes, Yes, Terrific, Great. Talk to you tomorrow. Love ya. Thank you. He hangs up. Ronnie’ll be all right. Buck will have him stationed in Rome with NATO. He’ll do two weeks in the brig just to clear the records….

  ARTIE: Then off to Rome? Won’t that be interesting. And educational. Thank you, Billy. Thank you.

  BILLY: Ronnie’s lucky. Buck said everybody at Dix is skedded for Vietnam.

  BUNNY: I wouldn’t mind that. I love Chinese food.

  ARTIE: That’s the little girl from the steambath …

  BILLY notices Bunny. They laugh.

  BUNNY: Hi! I’m Bunny from right down below.

  BILLY kisses her hand.

  BUNNY: Oohhhh…. Artie, perhaps our grief-stricken visitor from Movieland would join us in a Snack à la Petite.

  BILLY: No, no.

  ARTIE: Come on, Bill.

  BUNNY: Flying in on such short notice you must have all the starving people of Armenia in your tumtum, begging, “Feed me, feed me.”