This Old Heart of Mine

by A. J. Compton

  “What?”

  “I think being found is overrated.”

  “How did you figure that out?”

  “I mean, think about it. Once you’ve found yourself, what are you supposed to do with the rest of your life? I don’t know. It just seems like there’s more fun and freedom in being lost. We’re young. Having a road map at this age would be boring. I say we rip it up and throw it out the window. Let’s get lost.”

  “Aren’t we supposed to have fun finding ourselves?” I repeat the promise he made me on my deathbed all those months ago.

  “We will, but not yet. I know we’ve been through more than most people our age, but even they’re struggling to make sense of life and who they are. I’m telling you, Ave, these are the years we’re meant to try on identities like costumes in a dress-up box. See what fits. See what suits us. And what doesn’t. Don’t be stressed because you don’t have it all figured out. You’re not supposed to. This”—he motions between us—“and this”—he points to the blank wall—“is normal. You want to be like everyone else our age? We’re already there. Clueless. Overwhelmed. Terrified.”

  I lean my head on his shoulder. “You promise?”

  Finn rests his cheek against my hair. “I promise.” He yawns and stretches, causing his T-shirt to rise up. “Man, all that wisdom has made me tired and hungry. It’s hard being so smart and handsome. You know what I think we should do?”

  I laugh. “What?”

  “Let’s keep being like people our age, and order pizza for dinner.”

  My head shoots up. “Pizza?”

  “Yeah. Why do you look so excited?”

  Blood rushes to my cheeks. “I’ve never had pizza,” I mumble.

  Finn pushes to his feet and stands in front of me. “What do you mean you’ve never had pizza?”

  I shrug, looking down at the floor. “Cotton wool kid, remember? I’ve been on a strict, ultra-healthy diet my whole life like you have.”

  “Yeah, but I was still allowed the occasional pizza.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  A devilish grin takes over his face. “Oh, Ave. We’re going to have so much fun losing you. Come on.” He extends his hand and pulls me to my feet. “Time to have your mind blown and your taste buds explode. The living and losing of Ava Malone starts now.”

  I laugh and follow him into our new living room. “Sounds good to me.”

  “Hi. Can I help you?”

  My hands twist in front of me while I stare back at the exit. Just as I consider leaving, I catch my reflection in the glass door and remember why I came. I need to do this. Taking a deep breath, I turn back around and shift my weight. “I’d like something done to my hair.”

  “Well, you’ve come to the right place. What would you like done?” the beautiful woman in front of me asks. I’m too far away to read her nametag.

  “Oh. Um…” I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I wish someone else were here with me. But the only two people I could ask are my mom and Finn. My mom would insist I was beautiful and didn’t need to change a thing, and Finn would do almost anything for me; however, accompanying me to a beauty salon and giving me advice on a makeover isn’t one of them.

  “Do you have an appointment?”

  “I need an appointment? I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize. I’ve never—”

  “Whoa. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Her kind tone soothes some of my embarrassment. She walks behind the counter and clicks on the computer. “You picked a good time to come. As you can see, it’s quiet this morning. I don’t have another client until this afternoon so you can come with me, Bambi.” Her bright red lips part into a beautiful smile. She doesn’t look much older than I am, but she seems to have it together much better than I do.

  I frown. “Bambi?”

  “You know, skinny legs, pretty face, and those big doe eyes.” She waves a hand in my direction, eyes twinkling under the bright lights of the salon. “Plus, you looked like a deer caught in the headlights a few minutes ago.”

  I laugh and some of the pressure in my chest fades. Her teasing is something Finn would say and I warm to her right away.

  “If you just follow me, we’ll get you set up. I’m Giovanna, by the way. But you can call me Gia,” she says over her shoulder. Her sleek blonde bob sways with the movement, as do her curvaceous hips. Gia screams all-woman, whereas I’m the epitome of the girl-next-door.

  “I’m Ava.”

  “Nice to meet you, but I’m still going to call you Bambi, if that’s okay?”

  “Um, sure.” I can’t keep my amusement out of my voice.

  “Perfect. Take a seat. So what did you have in mind for your hair?”

  Chewing my bottom lip, I look into the mirror opposite me, taking in my long, mousy brown locks, heart-shaped face, and the light dusting of freckles across my nose. I look so much younger than twenty-two. “I don’t know. I just want a change.”

  “Okay. No problem.” Gia walks behind me and starts to fuss with my hair. She meets my eyes in the mirror. “What celebrities do you think look good?”

  “Oh. I don’t really follow any of that.”

  She tilts her head, her groomed eyebrows flying up. “But this is California,” she says, as if our location should guarantee a knowledge of popular culture.

  I shrug, not too embarrassed that my mind has been focused on more serious issues than what people are wearing on the red carpet.

  For some reason, Gia smiles. “You’re adorable. Okay, then. How about you flick through some of those magazines over there and tell me if you see anything you like the look of.”

  I glance over at the stack of glossy titles in the corner. Finn’s words last month about now being the time to try on different identities like costumes ring through my head. But when you have no idea what you want, there is such a thing as too much choice. I look back at Gia in the mirror again.

  “That’s okay. I’m happy for you to decide. I trust you.” And I do. We may have just met, but her kind eyes and dry humor make me comfortable and relaxed.

  My mom always says I’m too trusting. It was one of the reasons she objected to me moving out. “You trust too easily, sweetheart. And you love too easily. I worry so much about people taking advantage of your kindness and naivety. Make it as hard for them to get into your heart as it is for you to get them out of it.”

  Even Gia seems surprised by the immediate trust I’ve placed in her. Her crimson lips part and drop. “You’re giving me free rein? To do anything I want? Just like that?” She clicks her fingers.

  “Sure, why not. I’m trying to be all about carpe diem, so I may as well start now. You are qualified, right?” Doubt trickles in for a second, before she dispels it with her husky laugh.

  “Of course. It’s just I’m so used to people coming in with binders full of photos and lengthy descriptions on exactly what they want. It drives me crazy. You’ve just said the magic words to a beauty professional. Only I’m not used to hearing them, so it’s taking me a moment to adjust to the power. I’m feeling like God right now. You seriously have no guidelines for me at all?”

  I lick my lips and think about it for a second. “I don’t want anything too drastic. At least I don’t think I do. Not today, anyway. This is my first time ever getting something like this done, so baby steps. I just want something a bit… glamorous, I guess. More mature. Confident.”

  Understanding and sympathy enter Gia’s eyes. “Bad break up?”

  “Sorry? Oh! No.” Without much thought, I find myself happy to open up to this complete stranger. “I had a heart transplant seven months ago. I’ve spent my whole life in and out of hospitals. And now that I’m finally able to live and start my adult life, I just want…”

  “To look the part.” Gia finds the words I couldn’t. I nod, surprised to see a glossy film over her chocolate eyes. She lets go of my hair to wipe the backs of her hands across her cheeks.

  “Sorry. Something flew into my eye.”

  I watch as
Gia blinks up at the ceiling several times before straightening her posture and looking back down at me in the mirror. Her hands squeeze my shoulders.

  “I’m honored to be able to help you do that, Bambi. I know just the thing to do. Trust me.”

  I smile back at her, unable to shake the feeling that I may have just made a new friend. “I do.”

  Two hours later, and I almost don’t recognize the woman staring back at me. I’ve aged years in the space of minutes.

  Sparkling blue eyes watch me, framed by expertly applied eyeliner and mascara. My freckles are hidden behind a light layer of something Gia called “concealer,” while my smiling lips shine with a pale pink gloss.

  My hair falls just below my shoulders in silky, layered waves. The almond color has been intensified to a deep, decadent chestnut, blended with copper highlights. And I now have bangs that make a sophisticated sweep across my forehead.

  But the biggest change has come from within. The glow on my cheeks has nothing to do with the makeup Gia applied, and everything to do with the happiness spilling out of my pores. My posture is straighter. Eyes brighter. Voice stronger. I never realized how much looking the part would help me feel the part, even if it is still a costume. I know naïve, inexperienced Ava is still within; but right now, I can’t see her anywhere.

  “Do you like it?” Gia bites her lip before batting away my hand that keeps gliding through my hair.

  “Like it? This is better than pizza!”

  “Um… okay?”

  Laughing because she doesn’t get the reference, I fling myself out of the chair and wrap my arms around her. “Thank you so much. I love it.”

  Her body relaxes into me as she sighs. “Good. I’m glad.”

  “Seriously, thank you. She’s exactly who I want to be.”

  “She’s who you are,” Gia says as we pull apart.

  I look again at the woman in the mirror and smile. “Not yet. But at least I have a sense of direction.”

  “Um, do you know where I might be able to buy some new clothes?” I ask Gia after I’ve paid, fidgeting with my plain blue sweater. My mom always bought my clothes, and fashion was the last thing on her mind. It’s not at the forefront of my mind either, but I may as well complete my new look.

  Gia reaches a similar conclusion as she glances at my outfit with pity in her eyes. Over the course of my makeover, my whole life story came spilling out, so she knows the reasons behind my lack of style.

  “Sure. Listen, we’re not supposed to fraternize with clients, but I really like you, Bambi. I get off at three. If you can hold on until then, I’ll take you shopping.”

  “You will?”

  A soft smile plays on Gia’s full lips. “I’d be happy to.”

  “Thank you so much! That would be amazing. Let’s be honest, I could use all the help I can get.”

  Her laughter is deep and throaty. “Your words, not mine. There’s a great little café just down the block. Why don’t you grab some lunch, and I’ll meet you there when I finish work?”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  “Wait. Take my number just in case.”

  After we exchange numbers, I wave good-bye and take my first steps out into the world in my new costume.

  For a second, because that’s all I can stand, I allow myself to think about my donor, who gave me a new chance at life. I know nothing about the woman she was, but a part of me can’t help hoping she’d be proud of the woman I’m determined to be.

  Shopping with Gia was so much fun. I lived up to my Bambi nickname when I tried on heels for the first time. We both had tears in our eyes from my hilarious attempts at trying to walk in a straight line. In the end, Gia found a pair of starter heels for me, or “kitten” heels as she called them.

  My new look is stylish and sophisticated, but also simple. I think I look good, but not as if I’m trying too hard. While we were in the department store, Gia also forced me to buy a few evening outfits, though nothing too sexy or revealing. This unfamiliar space of adulthood is going to take a while to adjust to, but I’m enjoying it here. I might stick around.

  “Hey, listen. My boyfriend’s band is playing at the Indigo Inn tonight. You should come.”

  I’ve never heard live music before. Remembering my promise to seize each day, I smile. “Sure, I’d love to.”

  “Awesome, I’ll text you the details.”

  “Sounds great.” I fidget with the strap of my new purse. “Okay, then, I’ll—”

  My words are cut off when Gia brings me in for a hug. “It was great to meet you, Bambi. I had so much fun today. You’re one brave lady. Pretty sure you’re my new girl crush.”

  “Oh. Thank you?” I stutter, unsure how to take her words.

  She laughs and winks. “You’re welcome.”

  “Seriously, thank you for everything, Gia. Today has been one of the best days of my life.”

  I fold my hair behind my ears and glance up to avoid the look in Gia’s eyes. Staring up at the sky centers me, wrapping me in a safety blanket of a different kind.

  “Something tells me the best days of your life are yet to come, Bambi.”

  I hope she’s right.

  “Are you sure I look okay?”

  I tug at the skinny jeans Gia insisted I buy earlier today. She assured me it would look great with the slouchy T-shirt I fell in love with. I’m still not confident enough to recreate what she showed me, so I was careful not to ruin my makeup when I took a shower earlier. The smudged eyeliner works well with this outfit. I look young, edgy, and dare I say, sexy?

  “Ave. If you weren’t like my sister, I’d be trying to get your number tonight.”

  My eyes widen at Finn’s unexpected comment, before I throw my head back and laugh from my lungs. I’m not supposed to drink alcohol, but I’m already drunk off the stars and the intoxicating evening air. “Thanks, Finn.”

  “No problem. You look great, but it’s more than that. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like you’re floating or something. I don’t remember ever seeing you this happy or confident. Hell, if a few clothes and a haircut can do that, maybe I need to go shopping myself.”

  I loop my arm through his. Dressed in dark jeans and a tight-fitting white T-shirt, he doesn’t need any help. “I think you’re good.”

  We walk in silence for a few seconds, before Finn speaks again. “I’m proud of you, Ave. I mean, you leave the apartment for a few hours and come back with a new look, new confidence, and a new friend. You’re really making the most of this second chance at life thing. It’s putting me to shame.”

  “What are you talking about? You have nothing to be ashamed of. Plus, it’s not a competition.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  The melancholy I hear in Finn’s voice unsettles me. I stop walking and turn to face him. His expression is hidden under the cover of night, but I can still see his eyes shine with sadness in the moonlight. “What’s going on?”

  He blinks and shrugs. “Nothing, just ignore me.”

  “No, I won’t. It’s you and me, remember? No secrets, no lies, no BS.”

  Shoving his hands in his pockets, he kicks at a crumpled can on the sidewalk. When I continue to stare at him, Finn sighs and looks back up at me. His hair flops in his eyes. “I just feel like I should be doing more, you know?”

  I frown. “More of what?”

  “Living.”

  I reach out and rub his shoulder. “Finn, you’re living plenty.”

  He huffs. “Am I? I mean, what have I done since my transplant, really?”

  “You’ve done lots of things! You have a job. You’ve made a few friends. And we’ve just moved in together. As cotton wool kids, you know how huge that is.”

  “Yeah, and it took you, for me to move out. You’re the reason I’ve just started living. You’ve inspired me more than you know, Ave. But I’ve had a second chance at life for almost four years. You’ve had one for seven months and look at how much you’ve already achieved. I’m so happy and
proud of you, don’t get me wrong. I just feel like I’ve failed somehow.”

  “Finn, how long have you been feeling like this?”

  He shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, a while now, I guess. When you were in the hospital, we made a promise to live twice. And I know we were talking about living for each other, you and me. But I just feel such a pressure to also live for the guy who gave me these lungs, you know? I should be living twice, for me and for him. And until now, I haven’t been living at all. It’s making me feel so damn guilty. I can’t stand it. He didn’t die so I could mess around and waste my days doing nothing.”

  “Come here.” I bury my face in his chest, breathing in gratitude for the lungs expanding beneath my cheek.

  “Sorry for being such a downer. This is supposed to be your big night.”

  “Shh, I’m already doing my favorite thing.”

  He chuckles and tightens his grip around me.

  “You know what I think?” I ask, pulling away when he relaxes.

  “What?”

  “I think it’s your life now. You’re supposed to live it, but you’re also allowed to waste it, if that’s what you want to do. No, don’t look at me like that. The people who died—” I look away and clear my throat, “—gave us a new life so that we could do whatever the hell we wanted with it. They didn’t just give us new organs; they gave us choices and freedom. You think the guy who donated your lungs spent every waking moment living life to the fullest?”

  “I don’t know because I don’t know anything about him.” Like me, Finn chose not to contact his donor’s family to find out anything about him. It’s a choice both of us struggle with at times. We’re curious, but also scared it would make things harder instead of easier.

  “I know. But think about it for a second, even though it hurts. If I had to guess, I’d say he was a typical teenage boy. I’m sure he had lazy days and times where he only saw the wrong side of noon. And I’m sure his mom pestered him to clean his room or spend time with his family, instead of playing games on his computer, or whatever.