This Old Heart of Mine

by A. J. Compton

  He extends one hesitant arm behind the pillows on the small hospital bed, and reaches for the book with the other. Opening it, he begins to read, putting on hilarious voices and facial expressions that have Isabella rolling with laughter until she falls asleep.

  When she does, Gabriel continues to stare down at her, her tiny chest rising and falling with innocent dreams. I wonder what he’s thinking. His face displays a million emotions, but they don’t stay long enough for me to work them out.

  The sight of him opening his heart to a sick little girl has my own heart melting in response. It’s in this moment that I realize just how far and deep I’ve fallen.

  Rose seems to read my mind. Leaning over, she whispers in my ear, “He’s a keeper.”

  I watch Gabriel slide off the bed and tuck the blanket around Isabella. “I know.”

  “Ava, I have no words for today. Thank you for bringing me here,” Gabriel says as we exit the hospital.

  “You’re welcome.”

  He clutches my hand, stopping me. We step out of the way of the busy main entrance doors. “No. I don’t think you understand. I needed that. Those kids are amazing. They have so much hope. It’s inspiring.”

  “I know. They help put everything into perspective, don’t they?”

  “I didn’t realize that you could find so much joy and laughter among so much pain.”

  “It’s not easy, but if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. I just hate that they’ve had to learn that lesson at such a young age.”

  He drifts his fingers down my cheek. “You had to learn that, too.”

  “I did. Those kids are Finn and I, twenty years ago. But they’re also the friends I made in the hospital who didn’t make it. Since I’ve been volunteering, I’ve already lost some of the children.”

  Gabriel brings me into the safety of his arms, stroking my back. To observers, we probably look like the recipients of bad news, standing outside the hospital, consoling each other. The tears I kept away from the kids start to fall. I bunch my fists against Gabriel’s chest. “The thought of a world without Timmy or Isabella is unbearable. It’s just so unfair.”

  He kisses my hair. “I know.”

  “They’re all so innocent. They don’t have a bad bone in their bodies, yet they’re suffering.”

  “And still smiling,” he says in a quiet voice.

  “Exactly.”

  “They have a lot to teach us all. I should know, you’ve taught me so much.”

  “I have?” Sniffling, I lean back and look up at him. Gabriel wipes away my tears with his thumbs. His kiss is quick and soft. He looks at me in wonder.

  “Of course. I told you, you’re changing everything. Because of you and those children, I’m starting to remember what hope looks like.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry.”

  He adjusts the flower behind my ear. “Never apologize for feeling. How often do you volunteer at the pediatric ward?”

  “I aim for twice a week. Sometimes I’ll go after work, and sometimes on weekends. Finn comes on different days, but occasionally we do it together. It means a lot to both of us. Every time I feel myself starting to take my new life for granted, I schedule extra visits.”

  “I’d love to come back,” he says.

  “You would?” My voice cracks.

  “Yes. I know you volunteer to help the kids; but the kids helped me today.”

  My tears are replaced by a smile. “Good. I’m glad.”

  I slide my arms around Gabriel’s waist, breathing in his strength. Giving back what I take. Stroking my hair, he sways us from side to side.

  “So have I earned your forgiveness?”

  My eyes land on a poster on the giant notice board outside the hospital. After today, he’s more than made up for his bad behavior, but I can’t resist teasing him.

  “Hmm. Almost, but there’s still one more thing you can do.”

  He chuckles. “You’re a difficult woman to please.”

  “All the best ones are.”

  “You owe me for this.”

  At the sight of Gabriel, I break down.

  “I’m sorry, you just look so…”

  “Handsome? Manly?” he offers, laughter in his eyes.

  Staring at his giant heart-shaped costume, I try to compose myself. “Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to say.”

  Gabriel swings from side to side, pretending to strike ridiculous poses like a male model. Through the gap in the middle of the costume for his face, he practices his “Blue Steel” pout. The sight of this serious, masculine man joking around in a costume lifts my spirits to new heights.

  Over the past two weeks since the hospital visit, I’ve seen a real change in Gabriel. Or rather, the side of him I only saw flashes of before has become a permanent fixture.

  I like this guy in front of me. And it scares me how easily I could love him.

  “Tell me you still find me attractive.” He’s still smiling, but I hear an echo of insecurity in his voice.

  “Um, I don’t remember admitting that in the first place.”

  He steps toward me, wrapping his red felt arm around my waist. “Maybe not with words, but your body doesn’t lie.” He leans forward and kisses the thumping pulse on my neck. Remembering where we are and what we must look like, I pull away.

  “Behave. You’re supposed to be a friendly heart, not a flirty one.”

  “If I’m going to look like this for you, I might as well have some fun.”

  “Seriously, all jokes aside, thank you for doing this. It means so much to me, and I really appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome. You mean a lot to me.” Touched, I allow him to sneak in another kiss but step away before it becomes too heated.

  I lead Gabriel over to my colleagues, and introduce them to each other. Even dressed as a heart, Gabriel still draws appreciative glances from my female co-workers. And some of the male ones, too.

  The foundation I work for runs a drive for people to sign up to the organ donation registry several times a year, but this is my first event. I’ve already been warned about lowering my expectations for how many people we can get to commit, but I’m still optimistic.

  A chill sweeps through my body when I consider the fact that the woman who saved my life might have been convinced to do so by an event like this.

  “Are you cold, mariposa?”

  “What? No, sorry. I just drifted off for a second.”

  “So, what do I need to do? Just stand here and look pretty?”

  I laugh, pushing the uncomfortable thoughts to the back of my mind. “Something like that.”

  “You’re a natural.”

  Gabriel blows out a breath. “I had no idea how difficult it would be. I don’t think I’ve sweated so much in my life. I have a new respect for the people at Disneyland.”

  “Me, too. They have it even worse. Can you imagine wearing a costume four other people have sweated in earlier that day?” I shudder and Gabriel grimaces. “Just half an hour more, then you’re free.”

  “And forgiven?”

  I smile. “That, too.”

  The past three hours have been both exciting and disappointing. Having faced death, and been saved from it, it’s easy for me to talk about the subject without becoming too emotional. But asking people to think about no longer existing and giving parts of their body to others is a sensitive issue. It’s also a hugely personal one.

  I don’t think any less of the people who have refused to sign up. But I am hopeful about the ones who have said they’ll consider it. And grateful for the handful we did manage to convince. Most of them had been meaning to do it anyway.

  “Thanks for bringing me today. I’ve learned a lot. It was nice to see you in action. You’re great at your job,” Gabriel tells me.

  “You think so?”

  “Yes. Your passion shines through. You can tell how much it means to you. I think everyone was inspired by you and your story.”

  I press the back
of my hands against my cheeks, trying to cool them down. “Thanks.”

  Gabriel pulls my hands away and holds them in his gloved ones. “I mean it. I saw several people with tears in their eyes while you were talking to them. I’m sure many will think about it later and sign up.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Ava!” I spin at the sound of my name.

  “Mom, hey. What are you doing here?”

  “We came to support you,” she says, leaning over the table to kiss my cheek. “How’s it going?” Her eyes flick down to my hand in Gabriel’s, before drifting up the rest of him with a curious and assessing look.

  “Good. Hey, Aidan.”

  “Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?”

  “Good. Tired. All talked out.”

  Aidan chuckles. “I’ll bet.”

  “Who’s this lovely man?” my mom interrupts, even though she already knows.

  “Oh, sorry. This is Gabriel. Gabriel, this is my mom, Maggie, and my stepdad, Aidan.”

  Gabriel’s face blushes as red as his costume. Oh, God. The costume. I’ve just realized what he’s wearing. He glares at me when a giggle escapes. To Gabriel’s credit, he extends his hand for a shake and looks my parents in the eye as if he was in regular clothes. “Pleasure to meet you. Ava talks about you both all the time.”

  My mom smiles. “We’ve heard a lot about you, too. It’s nice to put a face to the name at last, although I can’t see all of it,” she says.

  Everyone laughs and the awkwardness clears. Gabriel’s face relaxes into an apologetic grin. “Blame your daughter. This costume was her idea.”

  “Oh?” My mom turns to me.

  “It was payback for something. Now we’re even.”

  Mom raises her hand for a high-five. “That’s my girl. I taught you well.”

  Aidan shares a sympathetic look with Gabriel. “Brave man, taking on a Malone woman.”

  Gabriel looks down at me when he replies, “She’s worth it.”

  Caught in his gaze, I can’t look away. Everything and everyone else fades away. I’m so caught up in the moment that I almost miss my mom say, “Ooh, I like him.”

  I smile up at Gabriel. “Me, too.”

  “So, Gabriel, huh?” my mom asks the next evening after dinner. Aidan and Finn are downstairs, watching TV. She insists we come over every Sunday so that she can make sure we have at least one “proper meal” and aren’t wasting away.

  Mom brought me up to her bedroom under the pretense of showing me the new décor, but I should have known better.

  Turning away to hide my blush, I play with the new drapes. “Gabriel.”

  I hesitate before asking the question I’m not sure I want the answer to. As much as I’m trying to be a mature, independent woman, my mom’s opinion still means a lot to me. “What did you think of him?”

  I muster up the courage to face her. She pats the space on the bed next to her. Feeling like I’m walking to my death, I sit down, toying with my fingers. “He’s just as handsome as you described,” she says in a conspiring whisper.

  I look up and smile. “I’m not sure how to feel about you finding him attractive. You’re a newly married woman, remember?”

  “Yes, dear. Old and newly married, but not blind. The man is gorgeous. And that accent.”

  My eyes bulge in horror as she pretends to fan herself. “Mom. Please.”

  She wipes away her tears of laughter. “Oh, Ava. That’s what moms are for. To embarrass their daughters. I never thought I’d have the chance to tease you about sex and relationships. Don’t deny me now.”

  She’s joking, but her words are an important reminder of the future I’ve been granted.

  “So you like him?” I ask.

  “I do. He seemed very nice. And he obviously adores you.”

  I want to ask what makes it so obvious, but I can’t find the words. Instead, I ask the other question on my tongue. “But?”

  Now it’s her turn to fiddle with fabric. She strokes her hand over the comforter, avoiding my eyes. “There’s no but.”

  “Mom. It’s written all over your face. Just tell me.”

  She sighs. “There isn’t, honestly. He’s just not who I’d have pictured you with, that’s all.”

  My eyes narrow. “Who would you have pictured me with?”

  “I don’t know. Someone your own age, I guess.”

  “You’ve always told me that age is just a number.”

  “I did. And it is. But…”

  “See. I told you there was one.” I get no comfort from being right. The delicious dinner we had now sits heavy and uncomfortable in my stomach.

  “It’s not his age that makes me anxious. You’ve always been mentally mature, so I can see how you’d fit well. But emotionally…”

  I curl my knees up to my chest. “You still think I’m naïve.”

  “Sweetheart, I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “How did you mean it?”

  She looks around the room, searching for the right words. “It’s just that you’re young and inexperienced. This is your first ever relationship.”

  “We’re not in a relationship.”

  “Well, dating, or whatever you kids call it these days. Gabriel seems very confident and self-secure. Even just meeting him for ten minutes, I could tell he knows exactly who he is and what he wants out of life. I just don’t want that imbalance between the two of you to become an issue.”

  I groan. “I had this same lecture from Finn when he first met Gabriel.”

  “It’s not a lecture. We’re just worried because we love you.”

  Sighing, I take the hand she’s reaching out to me and squeeze it. “I know, and I appreciate it, but I’m smarter than you guys give me credit for.”

  “It’s nothing to do with how smart you are.”

  “Isn’t it? It feels like you guys are questioning my emotional intelligence.”

  “No, we’re not. You’ve always been sensitive to people’s moods and emotions. That’s part of the problem. I don’t want anyone to bruise that big heart you wear on your sleeve.”

  “I know, but you can’t protect me from everything, Mom. I might make mistakes, and I might get hurt, but you just have to trust that I can handle it.”

  She brushes my hair away from my face. “It’s easier said than done. Old habits die hard, sweetheart. You’ll understand when you’re a parent yourself. You never want your child to be hurt by anyone or anything. Especially when they’ve already been through enough pain to last a lifetime.”

  “I think I’m handling myself well. I challenge him and don’t let him walk all over me. I don’t put up with any of his crap. You’d be proud of me.”

  “I’m so proud, that’s not even a question. It’s just that I sensed a certain… sadness about Gabriel earlier. And I know you. You’ll do anything to take away someone’s pain and make them smile. I just don’t want him to take advantage of your goodness.”

  I roll my eyes. “He’s not. He wouldn’t dare. I promise I’m not walking around with stars in my eyes. I can see he’s complicated, but so am I. Even in the short time we’ve been hanging out, he’s come out of his shell so much, Mom. He pretends to be serious and grumpy, but there’s a really sweet and funny guy underneath it all. Look at him yesterday, what he did for me. The man dressed up in a giant heart costume, for goodness sake. That’s the guy I see that you don’t.”

  She chuckles. “Oh, I saw him in that costume. You think I don’t get it, sweetheart, but I do. I see exactly what you see in him. I just…” Her words fall away with a sigh. “Look. I’m going to tell you something my mother told me a long time ago, before I met your father. You’ll probably ignore it, just as I did; but with hindsight, I wish I’d listened. She told me that one of the worst things a woman can do is to fall in love with a man’s potential. Make sure you’re falling in love with Gabriel as he is, not who you think he could be.”

  My breathing falters. “W-Who says I’m falling in love?”

>   “Your eyes do.”

  My mouth opens and closes as I search for a response. Denial doesn’t come like I thought it would.

  Taking my silence as an answer, my mom smiles and strokes my hair. “I know you like to joke around and pretend like you’re confident and in control now, but deep down you’re like me. Your heart is as soft as it is big. Just remember that the problem with fixing others is that you can end up the broken one.”

  “I’m not trying to fix anyone,” I say, but my voice wavers with the lie. My mom arches her eyebrow but doesn’t call me out on it. Instead, she cups my face in her hands and kisses my forehead.

  “I’m so happy for you, sweetheart. I never thought I’d get to see you like this, dating someone, falling in love. You haven’t stopped smiling since you first told me about Gabriel. Just be careful. That’s all I want to say. I know you’re healthy now and all grown up, but it doesn’t stop me worrying. It never will. Deal with it.”

  No longer on the defense, my laughter is deep and genuine. “Okay.”

  Over the next week, I push my chat with my mom to the back of my mind. I understand her fears, but they’re unfounded. All I have to do is look at the smiling, excited man beside me to know that.

  “Who’s your favorite artist?” I ask Gabriel as we walk hand in hand around the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.

  In the few months I’ve known him, I can’t remember seeing him as passionate and animated as he is now. Art seems to bring Gabriel to life. I love the way his eyes light up when he sees a painting that he recognizes or finds interesting, and the rich excitement in his voice as he teaches me interesting facts. Being with Gabriel is an education in so many ways, but I love learning about him the most.

  His eyebrows pull together as he contemplates my question. “That’s tough. I’m a big fan of impressionist artists like Manet. But modern Spanish artists like Picasso, Dalí, and Miró speak to me the most.”

  I look down at the floor plan in my free hand. “Do they have any pieces by those artists here? I’d love to see them.”

  “They do, but the place you really need to go is the Reina Sofía Museum in Madrid. It’s like a shrine to modern Spanish art and one of my favorite places in the world.”