Thinking about all the different personalities and tastes in the room, an idea comes to me. “How about Cocktail?”
Gia and Gabriel start laughing. Finn crosses his arms, trying not to give in to the smirk playing on his lips.
“I think you’ve spent too much time around me.”
I laugh and blow him a kiss. “No such thing.”
He sets his grin free, and just like that, the good atmosphere returns. For now.
“I guess size does matter.” I laugh the next day, scanning the floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that takes up a whole wall in Gabriel’s apartment.
“What did you say?” he asks, leaning his head out of the kitchen where he’s making us dinner.
“I said size matters.” I gesture to the shelves when he raises an eyebrow. “You know what they say, the bigger the bookcase, the… more attractive the man.”
“I don’t think that’s how that saying goes.”
“No?”
He shakes his head and stalks toward me with a lascivious look in his eyes. “No.”
“The bigger the bookcase, the smarter the man?” I joke, trying to play coy.
“No. I don’t think that’s it, either.”
“Well, then I just don’t know.”
“I have something else you can compare it to,” he says, sliding an arm around my waist and pressing me against the object in question. I know I started it, but his brazenness makes me blush. I’m no match for Gabriel when it comes to innuendo.
It takes a great act of strength to break away but a girl has to have her priorities. “Later. Feed me first.”
Lifting his head from my neck, he laughs. “I tell you all the time; you’re bad for my ego.” But proving he’s a keeper, he heads back to the kitchen.
“I shouldn’t be. You know what they say about guys who cook…”
His laughter carries all the way into the other room. When my flustered body calms, I go back to my original task of looking at all of his books.
I’m in awe of Gabriel’s collection. It’s the type bookworms like me dream of. He told me he has so many books, he had to put some in storage when he moved. As if Gabriel wasn’t a good enough excuse to spend time here, now I have another one.
I scan the titles, looking for my next read. One of Gabriel’s collections catches my eye. I’ve read most of his translated works by now, but not this one. I try to pull it out, but it’s wedged in tight between the two books on either side. A small box sits on top of them.
When I manage to pull out the book, the box goes flying and falls onto the rug, spilling its contents everywhere. I’ve matured a lot over the last two years, but unfortunately the clumsiness remains.
“Nice one, Ava,” I mutter, putting the book down on the coffee table before crouching down to pick up the scattered items.
My hands freeze over a photograph. I blink several times, but it doesn’t clear the image in front of me. The one of the smiling, happy couple.
Dropping the photo as if it’s on fire, I sit back on my heels and try to grab onto my spinning thoughts. I push down the nausea swimming in my gut, but it keeps rising.
“Gabriel?” My voice sounds garbled and strange, like I’m underwater. Gabriel must think so, too, because he comes out of the kitchen with a frown on his face.
“Are you okay, mi corazón? What’s the matter? Why are you on the floor?” His voice tails off on the last question as he follows my eyes. “Where did you get that?” Now it’s his voice that’s distorted.
“The box fell,” I explain, sounding robotic. “You were married before?” His lowered head nods. I stare back down at the photo, trying to find my scattered words. Licking my dry lips, I raise my eyes to Gabriel’s. “But you’re not now, right?”
One heartbeat.
Two.
Three.
“No.”
My whole body slumps, only to stiffen again. “When did you get divorced?”
Gabriel’s face creases with emotion, making me feel bad for bringing it up. His wounds are clearly still raw. Breaking eye contact, he walks over and sits down at the dinner table. “My wife left me almost two years ago,” he says in a broken whisper.
Looking down at the wedding photo once more, I put it back facedown in the box and place the lid on top. I stand up and walk over to Gabriel, sitting in the chair next to him. “She left you? I’m sorry.” Knowing how wrapped up in him I am, I’d assume he’s the type to break hearts, not to get his broken.
He shrugs and skims his fingers along the polished wood. “It’s not your fault.”
A thought comes to me. I don’t want to ask, but I have to know. “Do you have any children?”
His jaw clenches. He looks away from me and swallows. “No.”
I release the breath I was holding. “Why didn’t you tell me you were married before we met?”
“I…” He shakes his head. When he speaks, he sounds like he’s swallowing glass. “It’s a difficult subject for me.”
“Because of the divorce? My mom describes hers with my dad as the worse loss she’s ever felt. She said going through a divorce was almost like grieving, except you’re mourning all your hopes and dreams that you built around that person.”
As I speak, so many of Gabriel’s missing puzzle pieces fall into place. It’s strange, but beneath the hurt of not being told, lies relief. The darkness when I first met him, the reason his friends were worried, him saying I’ve shown him the light again, it all makes sense. I may have found out by accident, but I’m so grateful for this new piece of knowledge.
I reach out and place my hand over his clenched fist on the table. “How’s my dinner coming along? I’m wasting away here.”
He pauses for several moments, before some of the tension in his posture eases. He unfurls his hand and turns it over, lacing his fingers with mine. After what seems like a lifetime, he looks back up at me and smiles. “It’s almost ready.”
“Well, get to it. I don’t just keep you around because you’re a pretty face, you know.”
He releases a deep chuckle. “Why do you keep me around?”
Pretending to think about it, I tap my chin. “Because you’re nice to look at, you can cook, and you keep my bed lovely and warm.”
“Is that all?”
“Hmm. You also have a pretty big… book collection.”
I shriek when he reaches over and pulls me into his lap. Gabriel consumes my mouth in a blazing kiss. Our tongues caress and console. I run my fingers through his hair while his talented mouth leaves scorching kisses along my neck and collarbone. “There is one other reason,” I whisper, like it’s a secret only we share.
He raises his head and looks deep into my eyes. “What?”
“I love you.”
Gabriel’s slow, sweet smile twists the strings of my heart like a puppet responding to its master. The look in his eyes is so intense, I doubt even the most talented artist in the world could capture it, with paint or with words. “I love you, too, Ava. So much. Too much.”
“I feel the same.”
Our foreheads lean against each other. “You know what else I feel?”
“What?”
My stomach has a perfect sense of comic timing, because it rumbles right on cue. I laugh against Gabriel’s lips. “Hungry.”
He grins and with a final kiss, walks back into the kitchen to finish dinner. I stare at the closed box containing the photo of Gabriel’s ex-wife, fighting my curiosity to take another look. Gabriel hums in the kitchen, reminding me of our shared commitment to looking forward, not back.
Heading over to the box, I pick it up and place it back on the shelf into the past it came from.
Then I walk toward my now. My future. And just maybe, my forever.
When you leave two self-proclaimed geniuses like Gia and Finn to plan a party, you end up at a cartoon-character-themed roller disco. I’ll never admit this to them, but I love it so much.
“You guys are crazy.”
“C
razy amazing, right?” Finn says, adjusting his superman cape.
“Something like that. Thank you for doing this. It means so much to me.”
“You’re welcome. It’s worth it to see you try to balance in skates.” He laughs.
“Hey, I thought I was doing okay. I’ve only fallen five times so far.” Thank goodness for my knee pads.
“Speaking of falling,” Gia says, skating over to us, the picture of grace and confidence. “We wanted to take you skydiving, but Mama Malone vetoed that. Same with bungee jumping. She’s a tough cookie.”
“You should have seen Gia and Mrs. M squaring off. I’m surprised they’re both still standing,” Finn tells me. I laugh, trying to imagine it.
“Don’t listen to him. Your mom is my new hero. I want to be her when I grow up,” Gia says, looking out at my mom who is giggling like a schoolgirl over Aidan’s bad dance moves. Her laughter might also have something to do with his Fred Flintstone costume.
Adjusting my Minnie Mouse ears, I smile. “Me, too.”
“So you’re having a good time?” Gia asks.
“I am.” The one thing that would make it better would be if Gabriel was here, but it’s not about him. It’s about me, and the fact I’ve had two full years of living. I’ve crammed as much as I can into that time, and I still want to do so much more.
“Missing your man?” she says.
“A bit. But I’m still having an amazing time. I just can’t believe you guys would do all of this for me.”
“Of course we would. We love you. It’s each other we can’t stand,” Finn says, making Gia nod in agreement. I don’t agree, but I stay quiet and try not to smile.
“Has he called?” Gia asks.
I nod. “Yeah, we spoke earlier, and he sent me a huge bouquet of flowers, congratulating me on my second year of living.”
“That’s sweet. It sucks he couldn’t be here,” she says.
“It does. But this more than makes up for it. In the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about how far I’ve come, and this puts it all into perspective. Two years ago, I didn’t even think I’d live to see another day. And never in my wildest dreams, did I think I’d be able to fill a room like this.”
In addition to their own friends who I’ve come to know over the past year, Finn and Gia invited my friends from work, and even some of the kids from the hospital and their families. I look around the room, watching the eclectic crowd interact. Finn’s guy friends flirt with some of my female colleagues, while the kids run and skate around, laughing their little hearts out. The picture is perfect. Well, almost perfect.
“Ave, you’re amazing. Of course, you’ve filled a room. This is the least you deserve after everything you’ve been through.”
I reach out and take Finn’s hand. “Everything we’ve been through. You were right there with me.”
“Come here.” I go into Finn’s chest as we both take a moment to reflect on our shared journey so far. Gia sits down on a nearby chair and pretends to adjust her skates.
I raise my head. “I don’t know if I tell you enough how grateful I am for you. Or how happy I am that you’re still here with me.”
He kisses my forehead. “Back at you. I’ll never forget that day when you were in the hospital two years ago. I thought I’d have to go through life without my best friend.” His voice grows tight and strained. “I’ve never been more scared, not even when I thought I was going to die. So this”—he gestures at the animated room—“is as much for me as it is for you. It reminds me that you’re still here. We made it, you know? Against the odds, we made it.”
I smile. “Yeah, we did.”
“Ugh. I thought this was supposed to be a celebration. You guys are killing my buzz.”
We both turn to look at Gia, who is wiping under her eyes. “Shut up. Don’t say anything, Finley. The disco lights are just hurting my eyes, that’s all.”
I laugh. “Sorry. You’re right.” With a final squeeze, I step out of Finn’s arms and shake off my sadness. “Let’s dance.”
Gia cheers and stands up. “Now we’re talking!”
My two best friends each take one of my hands as they lead me out onto the dance floor. I trip and stumble, but they’re there to catch me. Just like I am for them.
Watching their laughing faces as they sing and dance around on the skates, I smile to myself and press a grateful hand against my heart.
I’m going to make it.
We’re all going to make it.
“Hey, doll face. What are you doing out here? You should be inside enjoying the celebrations.”
“Sorry, I just wanted to get some fresh air.”
Closing the door behind him, Finn walks over to me and rests his arms on the beam. “You okay?”
“Yes. No.”
“What’s going on? Has something happened?”
Coming to a decision, I shake my head. “No. Well, not yet anyway.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
I glance behind me, checking we’re alone. “For the last few months, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your meeting with Robbie’s family.”
Finn smiles. “It’s given me a sense of closure that I didn’t have before.”
I take a deep breath of salty air. “I want that. I think I need it in order to truly move forward.”
“You do?”
I nod. “I’m ready. I want to know more about my donor if I can. If her family lets me. I’ve always felt connected to her, but that pull just keeps getting stronger. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more out there.”
“I get that. That’s exactly how I felt. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was driving me mad. At least I have some of those answers now. I’ll never fully be at ease with the whole thing, but I am more at peace.”
“I know. I can see it. You seem so much more settled since the visit.”
“I am. I feel good. I’ve finally reconciled having part of someone else inside me, you know?”
“No, but I hope to find out. I thought not knowing anything would make it easier to move on, but I think it’s harder. For me, anyway.” Even though I know he understands, I struggle for a way to explain my conflicted feelings on this subject.
“It’s almost like I’m an adopted kid. You know how some are fine with never finding out anything about their birth parents, which is great, and works for them. But others want to find out more about the people who are a part of them. Even if those people aren’t a part of their lives.” I slide my arms along the cool railing. “I thought I was the first group, but it turns out I’m the last one.”
“There aren’t any rules when it comes to this, Ave. You’re allowed to feel however you feel. And you’re allowed to change your mind.”
“I suppose. Your visit planted the seed in my mind, but it’s come to life tonight with this party. It’s been two years since my transplant, and I think it’s time. I’m strong enough now. Seeing the effect it had on you and the Pullmans was so moving. I’ll never forget that day.”
“Me, neither.”
I lean my head on his shoulder. “I love that you’ve kept in touch with them.”
“So do I. Especially Ryan. I could never replace his twin, but I think it means a lot to both of us that we’ve become friends.”
“So you have no regrets?”
“Only not doing it sooner. But I guess I wasn’t ready then.”
I nod. “I think I’m ready now.”
He kisses the side of my head. “Proud of you, kid. I’m here for you like you were for me. You don’t have to do this journey alone.”
“I know.”
“Have you spoken to Gabriel about your decision?”
“No, he’s out of town until Friday evening. I want to tell him in person, but I know he’ll support me. Plus, I wanted to run it past you first and get your advice.”
“I say go for it. Speaking from experience, it’s easier to live twice when you know exactly who you’re livi
ng for.”
Finn’s words ring through my mind two days later, while I find an empty conference room on my lunch break.
I pull my phone out from my pocket and type the number with unsteady hands. Holding the phone to my ear, my heavy breathing is played back to me as I wait for the call to connect.
Once it does, I speak to the United Network for Organ Sharing who put me in touch with my local organ procurement organization. There, I speak to a lovely woman called Mary who explains the procedure of contacting a donor’s family to me. It’s similar to Finn’s experience. I have to write a letter, keeping everything anonymous, and they’ll pass it on to the family, if they’re willing to hear from me. She said she’d call them later today.
If they agree to contact, I have to wait and see if they want to send an anonymous letter back to me. All contact takes place through the transplant center unless we both agree to meet, like Finn and Robbie’s parents did.
I can’t help but hope that’s the result. But what if they don’t want to meet me? What if they don’t even want to receive my letter? I’ll have to respect their wishes, but maybe I’ll write it anyway and just not send it. If nothing else comes of it, perhaps it will be therapeutic for me.
I’ve taken the leap. Now I wait. Something I have a lot of experience with.
I waited twenty-two years for a heart. I’d wait forever to find out who it belonged to.
Later that afternoon, I can’t keep the smile off my face as I let myself into Gabriel’s apartment. My boss had to pick her sick daughter up from school, so she let me go home early.
I haven’t had many opportunities in my life to surprise people, but I love it. Gabriel’s been so stressed in the last few weeks that I thought it would be nice to do something special for him and cook him dinner. It’s been so much better since we started dating, but he still doesn’t smile enough. Plus, I can’t wait to tell him about the huge step I took today.
I hum a popular song that was playing in the store while I was grocery shopping. I’m not a great cook, but what I lack in skill, I make up for with love. Gabriel has been trying to teach me how to cook over the past few months, so I want to show him what I’ve learned. With him standing behind me with his hands on my hips as I stir, our cooking lessons tend to move from the kitchen to the bedroom. Heat courses through my veins as I remember the X-rated aftermath of my recent paella attempt.
This Old Heart of Mine Page 17
