Despite the apartment being empty, Gabriel’s scent and energy hangs in the air. Traces of him, of us, are everywhere. I plump the textured cushions that add a feminine touch to the space. It was so impersonal and lifeless when I first met him. Now, almost as many of my things are here as in my own apartment.
Pulling back the drapes, I skip to the kitchen and start to unpack the ingredients I bought. Bright sunshine floods the room, reflecting my mood. Being a poet, Gabriel has romance woven into his DNA. I have to try a bit harder at it. I hope he’ll appreciate the evening I’ve planned for us, especially after the tough day I’m sure he’s having.
Gabriel is coming back from his conference in New York today, the one he missed my party for. He also has a meeting with his publishers who are based there. They’re putting pressure on him to write and publish another collection, which is adding to his stress.
I think about his ex-wife, the one who inspired hundreds of poems. I try not to compare myself or our love to whatever it was they had, but I can’t help it. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a bit that Gabriel can’t seem to find any inspiration from me or our relationship.
Every time I start to ask about her, something stops me. Not just because I can sense Gabriel doesn’t want to talk about it. But because I don’t want to be that girl. The insecure one who is forever comparing herself to others. I’ve fought too hard to be who I am and to love her.
Shaking off my introspection, I locate the sound system and sync it to my most upbeat playlist on my phone. My positivity returns as soon as the first song starts playing. Shaking my hips and singing out of tune, I dance around the apartment, setting everything up for dinner.
Once I’ve set the table with candles, I start to prepare dinner. I pull out the risotto recipe my mom swears by.
“Oh, crap.” As I’m organizing the ingredients, I realize I’ve forgotten the most important one. Rice. I slap my palm against my forehead and sigh. “Well done, Ava.”
I untie my apron and turn off the music. Grabbing my purse and spare keys, I head back out to the grocery store around the corner. Several people turn to smile at me as I walk. Excitement must be in the air. My phone rings while I’m soaking up the sunshine.
“Hello?”
“Hey, kid. How’s it going with your surprise for lover boy?”
I laugh and lower my voice. “More like lover man.”
I chuckle as Finn makes gagging sounds on the other end. “What have I told you about saying stuff like that to me? I don’t want to hear it. That’s what Gia and your girlfriends are for.”
“Fair enough, but you started it.”
“And now I’m finishing it.” I sense his smile. “Anyway, how is it going? Without giving me too many details.”
“There are no details to give yet. He’ll be on the plane for another few hours. I was getting the apartment ready and starting to prepare dinner—”
“Wait, your surprise is to poison him?”
“Shut up. My cooking isn’t that bad.” I scowl at the silence on the other end. “Well, it’s improved a lot. Which you’d know if you’d let me cook for you again.”
“Sorry, Ave. Being poisoned once was enough.”
“That wasn’t my fault!”
“Oh, it was the fish’s fault, was it?” He laughs at my grumbling. “Gabriel’s a brave man.”
“No. He’s a lucky man. It’s going to be amazing.”
“I’m sure it will,” he says, all trace of teasing gone. “So how is the cooking going?”
I clear my throat. “It isn’t. I, um, forgot the main ingredient. Don’t you dare.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“I can hear the laughter in your voice, Finley.”
He snorts. “Then you’re hearing things.”
“I’m walking to the store now. At least I realized when I have enough time to go buy it.”
“So you’ll be spending the night at Gabriel’s?”
“Yes, I think so. Is that okay? Did you need me home for something?” I ask, seeing the store come into view.
“No, it’s fine. I was just calling to remind you that I’m going out with the guys tonight so if you were coming home, I won’t be back until late.”
“I forgot it was guy’s night. Where are you planning to go?”
“Not sure yet. We were thinking about going to Pulse, or that new club Crimson.”
“Sounds good. Have fun. Say hi to the guys from me,” I tell him.
“Will do. Enjoy your evening. Try not to poison your boyfriend.”
“Very funny. I’ll make no promises. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m walking back into the apartment with two full shopping bags weighing down my arms. I couldn’t resist buying a few extra things for tonight because I want it to be perfect. I can’t wait to see Gabriel’s face.
When I reach his floor, I adjust the bags in my hands and struggle with my keys. Managing to open the door, I blow my hair out of my face and push my way inside. The sound of someone speaking disorientates me, before I realize it’s coming from the answering machine.
My grip slackens. The bags drop, spilling their contents all over the floor. I don’t react. I can’t. All my focus is on the voice ripping my world apart word by word.
I reach out and grab onto the nearest cabinet as a tidal wave of dizziness hits me. My head makes violent shakes from side to side as the woman speaks, blurring the rest of the room. The only thing in focus is the small black machine, and the painfully familiar voice. One I spoke to earlier.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Cruz. This is Mary Williams from Donor Network West. We’ve been contacted by the recipient of your wife’s heart, and we would love to discuss it further with you. If you could please call me back on…”
I don’t hear the rest of what she says. Pressing my clenched fist against my quivering lips, I stumble to the bathroom. My knees slam onto the floor as I lean over the toilet bowl and throw up. I choke on the bile burning my throat. Gripping onto the sides, I sob my heart out. My body shudders as the painful truth settles over it. A truth too horrifying for words.
Coincidence. It could all be coincidence. But I know it’s not.
I don’t know how long I stay crying in the bathroom. After a while, I remember that Gabriel will be home soon. Gabriel. I can’t face him. Not here. Not like this. I stand up and wash out my mouth in the sink. Splashing cold water on my face does nothing to soothe me. I risk a glance in the bathroom mirror, and regret it straight away. Pain. All I can see is pain. The broken woman staring back at me is a stranger.
An unsettling thought creeps into my mind. Stumbling out of the bathroom, I walk back in to the living room. For once, I get no pleasure or comfort from books as I search Gabriel’s bookshelves. My gut knots when I find what I’m looking for. Pulling out the box, I take it over to the dining table and sit down.
With shaking hands, I open it and bring out the photo of the beautiful, smiling woman on her wedding day. The one living inside of me. My gut tries to wrench itself from my body. Now my donor has a face, and what a face it is. Gabriel’s wife was stunning. Even I feel drawn to her photograph.
I laugh at my thoughts. Of course I’m pulled to her. My heart is recognizing its previous owner. Placing the photo down on the table, I take out the matching gold wedding rings I didn’t notice the last time. Tears cascade down my cheeks. My fist closes over the rings. I put them back into the box along with the photo and close the lid.
I can’t do this. I have to get out of here. I’m intruding on someone else’s life. Someone else’s love.
The abandoned dinner plans lay scattered around the apartment. Taking in the unlit candles, and the uncooked food on the kitchen counter, a sob gets trapped in my throat.
My body is in a state of fight or flight. I feel like I’m falling. Or dying. The red light from the answering machine flashes out of the corner of my eyes.
I choose flight.
Searching for my purse, I find it by the door. I step over the spilt ingredients on the floor and pick it up, fumbling for my phone. I need safety. Security. My fingers are shaking so much that it takes me several attempts to pull up the number I need.
“Come on. Please,” I whisper as the phone rings. Crouching on the ground, I wrap my arm around my waist and rock forward.
“Hi, this is Finn O’Connor. Sorry, I missed your call…” I pull the phone away from my ear and groan, resisting the urge to hurl it at the wall. My frantic eyes flit around the room as I search for a sign of what the hell to do next.
Standing on shaky legs, I take a final look around the apartment that has seen so many happy moments over the past year. All those memories are now tainted by the truth, and overshadowed by a five-second phone call that has rocked my world to its core.
Just thinking of the message is enough to push my body into action. Leaving the apartment, I almost forget to lock the door behind me. Then I start to walk. I don’t know where I’m going. But I do know one thing:
Gabriel isn’t who I thought he was. And neither am I.
Crouched on the floor of the shower, water burns my skin as it flows over me. I’m so numb, I barely feel it. Thinking about the last hour, I pull my knees further into my chest and sob into my skin. My tears mingle with the water and flow down the drain.
All of a sudden, I uncurl my body and pick up the loofah sponge by my feet. I scratch the coarse material over my skin, trying to scrub away the truth. All it does is leaves my skin red and raw, just like my insides. The truth clings to me like a nightmare, refusing to let go. Every beat of my heart feels like a cruel taunt.
I don’t know how long I stay in the shower, but it’s long enough for the water to turn cold, and for me to start shivering. Drying my body and hair, I dress in my pajamas and walk into my bedroom on autopilot. I crawl into bed and stare up at the ceiling, unblinking.
My phone rattles against my bedside table, making me jump. Gabriel’s name and face flash on the screen. I hesitate. The call drops off before starting again. Making a decision, I wipe away my tears and clear my throat. I sit up and answer the phone, staring at a picture of us.
“Hey, querida. I’m on my way back now. Where are you?”
“At my apartment.”
“Are you okay? You sound strange. Are you sick?”
I can’t stop my bitter laugh. I don’t even try to. “I’m not feeling too great,” I tell him.
Gabriel pauses. “I’ll be there soon to look after you. Okay?”
“Sure.”
“Oh, mi corazón. You don’t sound good at all. Hold on, okay? I’ll see you soon. I love—”
I hang up.
About an hour later, the apartment buzzer sounds. Dragging myself out of bed, I avoid my reflection in the mirror. As shredded as my heart is, I want to give him to a chance to tell me this is all a misunderstanding. That my devastating suspicions are wrong. God, I’ve never wanted to be wrong as much as I do right now.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.” His voice has only ever brought me pleasure. Now it hurts.
I relax my fisted hands and press the button to let him up. Hearing Gabriel’s steps, I open the door before he can knock. His face lights up when he sees me, before falling.
“Querida, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Have you been crying?” His thumb wipes at my cheek, burning my skin. Jerking back, I step out of his reach and walk further into the apartment. I hear the door close behind me.
“Ava? What’s wrong?”
“Did you go to your apartment?”
Gabriel frowns at my short tone. “No. I came straight here. I was worried about you after your call. Are you okay?”
Turning back to face him, I slide my hands up and down my arms, but it does nothing to warm me up. The cold is bone-deep. “I know,” I tell him.
His brows pull further down. “Know wh—” His eyes widen. Any hope I’d had that he didn’t know the awful truth implodes.
I push past my nausea to speak. “Yeah. That.”
Horror transforms his beautiful face. He shakes his head from side to side, as I did earlier. “I—” Walking over to the couch, I sit and watch him struggle for words. “Ava… you… how?”
I fold my arms across my chest to stop the broken pieces of my heart from falling out. “I think I’m the one who should be asking questions, don’t you?”
Gabriel staggers over to me and drops to his knees. He hangs his head.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice is desolate.
I yank my hands away when he reaches for them. “How could you lie to me about this? Have you known from the start?”
He inhales a sharp breath but doesn’t look up. I scrub my fists over my raw eyes, before pounding them against my thighs. “Why, Gabriel? Why?”
His whole body slumps. When he raises his head, his eyes are a mirror reflection of mine. If eyes are the windows to the soul, then both of our windows are broken. I look away.
“I—” He chokes on his explanation. It’s not good enough. My agony is replaced with anger. It rages through my bloodstream.
“You’ve made such a fool out of me. You used me.” They say the truth hurts, but they don’t tell you just how much. Every thought feels like a fatal stab to the chest. My love bleeds out in front of us, turning my vision red.
“No.” His voice is adamant. “I could never use you. I love you.”
“Of course you have! I’m the body housing your wife’s heart. I’m just an incubator to you, aren’t I? You never loved me.”
“No,” he says, his voice raising. “I do love you. I love you so much.” He reaches for me again and lets out a low groan when I evade his grasp.
“You don’t lie to the people you love. Not about things like this.”
“Ava, please.”
“Please, what? This is unforgivable, Gabriel. Of all the ways you could have broken my heart, I never considered this.”
“Listen to me. Please.” He growls in frustration, shoving a hand through his hair and tugging at the strands. “The words are not coming out right.”
“The lies, you mean. A year. A whole year of lies and betrayal. You made me fall in love with you, all the while knowing you didn’t care about me at all.”
“That’s not true.” He pushes to his feet and grabs my shoulders. His face is red with rage. “I love you. I fell in love with you, too. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” I shrug out of his grip.
“How did you find out?” he asks in a ragged voice.
“I was going to tell you tonight. I realized at my party that I was ready to find out about my heart donor. I’ve felt the connection to her getting stronger over the last few months. I didn’t realize just how connected we were.” I laugh without any trace of humor. “So I called the transplant center this morning to see if they would reach out to her family and find out if they would be interested in hearing from me.”
Gabriel closes his eyes as if he’s in pain. I know the feeling.
I cringe as the afternoon replays in my mind for the hundredth time, watching the scene as if it happened to someone else. “I was planning to surprise you with a romantic dinner,” I tell him, huffing out a laugh. “As I was walking into your apartment, the same woman I’d spoken to earlier was leaving a message on your answering machine.”
My face crumples. I bury it in my hands, before raising it to finish my story. “Turns out, she was calling to tell you that your wife’s heart recipient had contacted them and asked if you would call her back. I don’t know how, but I just knew. Everything fell into place.”
“I don’t know what to say.” His voice cracks.
“There’s nothing you can say.”
A sudden thought occurs to me. Icy awareness freezes my bones. “Oh, my God,” I whisper, my stomach churning with bitter bile. I rush to my feet and walk backward until my spine hits the wall. “Oh, my God. Mi
corazón. My heart. You call me your heart. The answer was right in front of me all along. How could I have been so stupid?” Betrayal blurs my vision.
“No. You’re not stupid. Please, let me explain.”
“Explain?” My shrill voice sounds hysterical. I shake my head, trying to dislodge the horror of the situation. “How can you possibly explain this?”
“Please, mi—” He growls, yanking his hand through his hair again. “Please, Ava. Listen to me. I meant it when I called you mi corazón. You are my heart.”
“No!” I throw my hands out to halt his steps toward me. “I have your heart inside my body. There’s a difference. God, all this time I thought you were saying you loved me. That you couldn’t live without me—”
“I can’t.”
“No. You can’t live without her. I’m just a vessel keeping your heart alive. That’s why you tracked me down and kept me close, isn’t it? To make sure I was taking good care of it. She’s your heart. Not me.”
My lungs heave, struggling to catch enough air. “I always knew this heart belonged to someone else,” I say, almost to myself. “I just didn’t realize how much. If I could tear it out of my chest right now and give it to you, I would.”
Maybe it’s just my imagination, but the space in question starts to burn with pain. I scratch against it, my nails digging into the skin.
Gabriel’s face contorts. “Don’t say that.” His hoarse voice whips through the air. “After all you’ve been through to survive, don’t you dare say that.”
I almost choke on my anger as I laugh. “Why not? Because you’re the only one allowed to tear my heart out? Oh, I’m sorry, your heart? My mistake.”
Now both of us have eyes drowning in liquid regret.
“Ava—”
I start to pace. “Then again, I suppose you need me alive so that she lives on, too.”
This Old Heart of Mine Page 18
