“Stop this. This isn’t you.”
“That’s the point! Ever since I had the transplant, I haven’t been me. I just didn’t realize it. All this time I thought she had to die, so that I could live. Now I realize she never died. I’ve been keeping her alive all this time for you. Oh, God, I think I’m going to be sick.” I gag, but nothing comes up. I’m empty inside.
“Enough.” Ignoring my body language signals, he strides across the room and grabs hold of my shoulders. The devastation in his eyes is too much. I clench mine shut just in time to see his face swoop down.
Gabriel buries his face in my neck and breathes in. I don’t have the energy to push him away. My tears fall as he starts to press small, frantic kisses up the side of my face. I whimper when he reaches my mouth.
Usually, a passionate inferno rages through my body the moment our lips connect, but right now, the opposite is true. As his desperate mouth moves against mine, an icy chill burns through me. Goosebumps break out across my skin from cold instead of heat. Still, Gabriel presses on, his tongue begging, pleading for entry.
In freezing temperatures, the body shuts down as a self-protection mechanism. To preserve what little heat remains. The same thing happens now. All the heat and joy in my body fade from the surface of my skin. Gabriel’s shaking hands sliding over me do nothing to warm me up.
His wet face presses against my neck while he whispers words against my skin. I don’t have to speak Spanish to recognize pleas and prayers. I summon just enough strength to open my eyes and wrench myself free.
“No. Stay away from me.”
“Mi cor—”
“Don’t call me that. Don’t ever call me that again.”
He moves toward me again. “Ava, please.”
I brush away scalding saltwater. “Did you call her that?” I ask the question I don’t want the answer to.
His eyes widen. “I don’t—”
“Did you?”
He looks away from me. Staring at the floor, his head shakes once. Despising the flash of relief within me, I ignore the water dripping down his face. “What did you call her?” I ask in a pained whisper.
Gabriel’s head flies up, darkness falling over his face like a cloak. I resist the urge to take a step back. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t torture yourself. Don’t torture me. We won’t make it out alive.”
“We’re already dead! We’re over. And it’s your fault. This is the least you owe me. A tiny bit of peace.”
Anguish and indecision play out across his face. And enough pain to kill me if I wasn’t already dead inside. “I called her mi amor. There. Happy?” he snaps. The shrapnel inside my chest digs in deeper. He curses in Spanish when I flinch.
An involuntary sob escapes before I can catch it with my fingertips. I press my hands across my lips, trying to keep all the other sobs inside. Gabriel and I stare at each other across the room, separated by a sea of pain and betrayal.
“And which means more to you? Your heart or your love?” My voice is rusty and weak.
Now it’s his turn to flinch at my cruel question, one I don’t want the answer to. I hate what I’m doing to him, but I hate him more for what he’s done to me. I’ve spent the past year living a lie. Falling for someone who was keeping a secret that has wrecked me. And us.
All the love, all the confidence and security I’ve built, has collapsed like a house of cards. And for that, I will never forgive him. How am I supposed to get over this revelation? How do I rebuild the house of cards with all the hearts missing?
“Stop with these stupid questions!” His accent has become more pronounced. Gabriel swipes a hand through the air, knocking over a picture frame of us by accident. The glass in it shatters as it hits the floor. It seems fitting, and reflects what’s happening inside my chest.
“They’re not stupid to me. Why won’t you answer it?”
“Because it won’t help anything. It won’t change anything.”
“Don’t you see? Everything has already changed. It will never be the same again.”
His anger dissipates, replaced by a sadness that is even harder to cope with. Because it matches my own. This whole situation is just so damn sad.
He staggers over to a chair and slumps down with his head in his hands. My heavy breaths sound into the silence. After a while, Gabriel raises his head. “Why do I have to choose? One cannot exist without the other. You can’t love without a heart, and a heart without love is just like any other organ. It has a job, but not a purpose. I need both. We all do. You both gave my life meaning, just in different ways.”
His words make more sense than I wish they did. But now is not the time for being rational and reasonable. And it’s not the time for his smooth words and poetic philosophy.
Now is the time to sweep up the pieces of my broken heart. And I need to do that alone. Well, as alone as you can be when you have a part of someone else inside of you.
I clear my throat. “I think you should go.”
He stares at me before pushing out of his seat and stalking across the room. “Don’t push me away, Ava. We need each other, now more than ever.”
“No. You need her and I need you. You love her, and I—” I speak through my sob, “I love you.”
“I love you both, why can’t you see that? I’ll always love Charlotte, but I don’t need her, not anymore. She’s not here. I need you. I love you.” I wince. The sound of her name leaves a bitter taste in my dry mouth.
“I wish I could believe you.”
My tears blend with his as he brushes a soft kiss against my lips, fire touching ice. “You can. You have to.”
“How can I when you’ve been lying to me this whole time?”
He kisses away my tears. “Believe what you feel, Ava, not what you hear.”
I push against his chest, needing the space. “That’s just the problem. Never mind how you really feel about me. How do I even know if what I feel for you is real? Maybe it’s just muscle memory. Maybe Charlotte’s love for you lingered and is now pumping through my blood. Don’t you get it? None of this is real. We can’t trust anything. It’s all a lie.”
His eyes blaze as he forces my head up with his fingers. “We’re real. This—” He kisses me, hard. “—is real. I know you’re upset, querida, and I am so sorry for everything. But don’t you dare doubt my love for you. Don’t you minimize what we have. Most people never find true love in a lifetime. I’ve already found and lost it once, I won’t let that happen again.”
“Please leave.”
He searches my eyes, his dimming when he doesn’t find whatever he was looking for. He nods once. “Okay. But I’ll be back. I won’t let you shut me out of your life and your heart.”
With one final kiss that isn’t returned, he strokes my hair and then leaves.
“It’s not my heart,” I whisper once the door closes.
Lost and alone, I sink to the floor and shatter among the broken glass.
I jump when the apartment is drowned in bright light. Clenching my eyes shut, I pull my knees up further and shield my face.
“What the hell?” Finn mutters. “Ava?” Glass crunches underneath his feet as he rushes over to me and crouches down. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” He shakes me, the panic in his voice agitating my frayed nerves. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I resist Finn when he tries to pull my arms away from my body. “Ave, please. You’re scaring the life out of me. What’s the matter?”
I loosen my grip and let my arms fall away, allowing him to see the pain in my eyes. “Oh, my God. What the hell is going on? Where’s Gabriel?”
“He—” My voice cracks on a sob as I look at my best friend. Without warning, I throw myself into his arms. Wrapping my arms tight around his neck, I cry into his shoulder. Finn curses under his breath and stands, swooping me up. Murmuring soothing words, he carries me into his bedroom and sits down on the bed with me in his lap.
“Shh, sweetheart. I don’t know what’s happened, but it’s going to be okay.”
Biting my lip hard enough to draw blood, I shake my head. Things will never be okay again.
He rubs my back. “I know you don’t want to, but I need you to talk to me. You know I hate it when you cry. My mind is racing and I don’t like what it’s coming up with.” I respond to the firmness in his voice. My erratic breathing slows, my gut-twisting sobs easing as I try to explain the nightmare my life has become.
“G-gabriel… it’s… he…”
Finn stiffens and stands with me in his arms. I look up at him, confused by the sudden movement. “Did he hurt you? I’ll kill him if he did.” His voice is like thunder. I’ve never seen him like this.
“No.” I cup his cheek and turn his stony face toward me. “I mean he did—” Finn’s face darkens. “But not how you’re thinking. He h-hurt me here.” I place a hand over my broken heart. Finn stares down at me, gauging my sincerity. Eventually, he sighs and sit backs down. I burrow further into his chest. Finn kisses my hair and resumes rubbing my back.
“What did he do?” His voice is softer, but the quiet threat is still clear. I move my face against his shirt, smelling Finn’s cologne and clean sweat from his night out. How can I find the words to explain this mess? I’m still trying to make sense of it myself. My temples are pounding as they try to process the devastating truth. “Ava. Start speaking.”
Deciding the best way is to rip it off like a Band-Aid, I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “It’s his wife. She—”
Finn turns to stone beneath me. “That asshole is still married? I knew there was something not right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.”
“No. It’s worse.”
“What’s worse than that?”
A pathetic whimper slips past my lips. “It’s her heart.”
“What? Whose heart?”
I dig my fingernails into my palm. “Mine. It’s hers.”
“Ave. You’re not making any sense.” He lifts my head away from his neck.
“My heart. The d-donor. It was his wife.”
For the third time, Finn freezes. He blinks, his jaw dropping open. “What?”
Just when I think I’m all cried out, water rises in my eyes again. I nod. “I have his wife’s heart,” I whisper, as much to myself as to him.
“You can’t be serious. Oh, my God. That’s just…” He shakes his head and gapes at me. “Does Gabriel know?” I nod again. “Has he always known?” he asks.
I close my raw, stinging eyes against the burning anger in Finn’s. He fills the room with expletives and I turn into his body again, clinging to his neck while he rants.
“I can’t believe he deceived you like that. And I just can’t believe…” He wraps his arms around me. “God, what a mess. I’m sorry, Ave. I’m so sorry.”
My shaking fingers grip Finn’s T-shirt and twist. The soft material grows damp beneath my cheek. Finn lifts me into his arms again, and holding my body with one hand, he pulls back the covers and places me into bed. Kissing my forehead, he goes to leave, but I reach out and grab his arm.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures me.
Nodding against his pillow, I release him. Finn locks up the apartment and sweeps up the broken glass in the living room before coming back in. After a shower, he changes into his pajamas and then gets into bed, pulling me into his chest.
The sobs start again. He strokes my hair and back, but doesn’t speak. We both know there’s nothing either of us can say that will make this situation any better. I’ve never been more grateful for Finn than I have in this moment.
I cry against my best friend’s heart until the sun replaces the moon. The shattered pieces of my own heart cut into my chest, making it hard to breathe. Broken fragments of someone else, destroyed by the man we both loved. And lost.
Gabriel
Two years ago
As always, I sense her presence before she makes a sound. The room brightens, bringing my body to life.
“Wow, what’s all this?”
I slide out from underneath the wood to take in my wife’s amazed expression, and smile. Wiping my brow, I push to my feet and stalk toward her.
Satisfaction and hunger sweep through me when her eyes drift down to my bare, sweaty chest and unbuttoned jeans. My own eyes struggle to focus on her face while they take in her low cut dress and luscious curves.
I sound like the arrogant caveman she’s always accusing me of being, but the sight of my beautiful, sexy wife with my child inside of her, has me in a constant state of pride, lust, and love. If I thought I loved Charlotte with every fiber of my being before she became pregnant, that was nothing compared to how I feel now.
“I’m building a crib for the baby.”
“Gabe, this is incredible.”
My chest swells as it always does when that look enters her eyes. “You like it?”
“Are you kidding? I love it. People pay crazy amounts of money for something like this. It’s so beautiful.” Her voice sounds far away as she walks toward the unfinished crib and drifts her fingertips across it.
Never liking to be far away from her, I follow, standing behind her. Her arms rest on top of mine around her waist, just above her bump. Brushing her long blonde waves over her shoulder, I kiss her neck and smile against her skin when she shivers.
“You think the baby will like it?”
“I’m pretty sure she’ll have no idea what it is, but I’m sure she’ll be able to feel the amount of love that’s gone into this. You know she’s a daddy’s girl already.”
Charlotte’s elbow jab to my stomach brings me out of my silent gloating. “Ahem. You’re supposed to deny it and say she loves us both equally.”
“Sorry, mi amor, but we both know it’s true.”
The smile I’ve been wearing since we first found out Charlotte was pregnant, only widened when we found out we were having a girl at our last scan. After years of trying, baby Isabella is our miracle. The only thing more precious and amazing than the love she was created from.
“As gorgeous as this is, you know she won’t be sleeping in it for another four months, right?”
“I know. But it’s a father’s prerogative. Plus, it doesn’t feel real to me yet. That soon there’ll be another member of our family for me to look after, one who is the best parts of both of us. This helps it feel a bit more real.”
“I never thought of it like that. It feels plenty real to me. I’ve gone five months without my beloved coffee, and morning sickness was a helpful daily reminder, in case I could have forgotten. I’m so glad that’s over.”
“Me, too. You know how much I hate seeing you suffer. She’s worth it all though, no?”
Charlotte leans back against me, smiling against my jaw as she kisses it. Her voice grows soft. “Yeah. She is. I can’t wait for her to arrive.”
“Me, neither.”
Keeping one arm around her waist, I reach for the remote with my other hand and turn up the music in the background. Pressing my body against my wife’s, I sway us in time with the slow beat. Charlotte’s arms wrap around my neck and mine around her hips as we move with the rhythm. The song is actually quite depressing, but I know Charlotte doesn’t understand the desperate, pleading words of the Spanish singer. I just want an excuse to be near her. The music changes and I continue to dance with my two favorite girls, hugging my family close.
Charlotte’s hands rub against the stubble on my jaw, thumbs stroking over my lips. Her bump knocks against my stomach when she moves up on her tiptoes to kiss me. Our kiss is slow and unhurried, both of us communicating our love and joy with our bodies.
After we’ve finished dancing, she turns back to the crib, and continues studying it. My chest puffs out at the look of hushed awe that crosses her face.
“Where did you learn to do this? I mean, I always knew you were good with your hands, but this is another level.”
“I’m the son of a ca
rpenter, remember? It’s amazing how much of his lessons have remained in my head. It all came back the moment I started working on it.”
Charlotte’s eyes gentle as she runs her fingers through my hair. I lean into her touch. For her, I would lean, I would bend, I would break. “And what would you like Isabella to be, when she grows up? Have you thought about it?”
I have, and I’ve vowed she’ll never feel the weight of someone else’s expectations. “Sí. I want her to be happy.” I press a quick kiss against my wife’s lips. “Healthy.” Another kiss. “And just as beautiful as her mother.” Charlotte deepens the final kiss, smiling against my mouth before we break apart.
“Smooth. Anyone ever tell you that you have a way with words, Mr. Cruz?”
I shrug. “Maybe once or twice.”
“You should write poems,” she jokes.
“Perhaps I should. But I know what I’d rather do.” I skim my mouth down her throat, and my fingers up her body, pulling up her dress.
She slaps at my wandering hands and links my coarse fingers with her delicate ones. “Behave.”
I nip her ear, rolling my hips into her back. “Where is the fun in that, as you say?”
With a soft moan, she stops my travelling hands once more, holding it still against her stomach. “True, and you know how much I love to misbehave with you, but I’m about to go to the store. This daughter of yours is craving pickles and Rocky Road ice cream.”
My nose wrinkles, but I know better than to comment on Charlotte’s crazy cravings. Being with her has taught me so many things over the years, but the most recent lesson has been never to get between a pregnant woman and her food. I sigh and release her, knowing there’s no chance of seducing her until she’s eaten.
“What happened to the big tub of Rocky Road I bought you last night?”
Her hands go to her hips despite the blush staining her cheeks. “Isabella wanted it for breakfast.”
Ignoring the challenge in her eyes, I try to hide my smile. “Okay, mi amor. Pickles and ice cream sounds good. You should rest and take it easy. Just let me get changed and I’ll go to the store for you.”
This Old Heart of Mine Page 19
