The Tale of Lal

by Raymond Paton

  CHAPTER X

  THE LION GOES TO COURT

  There was a curious hush of expectancy one early autumn afternoon inCourt X., about to be presided over by Mr. Justice Chatty.

  Outside in the streets London was suffering from partial darkness,which is not infrequently the case, so a number of the lights in Courthad been lit, and although they burned a somewhat dull amber, thelighting was sufficient to outline a truly remarkable scene.

  Mr. Justice Chatty, the Judge, had not yet entered and taken his seat,so that the expectant hush which had momentarily crept over the Courtwas all the more remarkable by way of contrast to the series of rusheswhich had gone before this state of calm.

  Something approaching a small riot had taken place before the doors ofthe Court had been opened. Crowds of curiosity-loving people, havingstationed themselves outside for hours, and who had even thoughtfullyprovided themselves with sandwiches, now fought and kicked andstruggled in solid wedges to find a place, and even roundly abused thepolice who controlled the doors when they were thrust away. The publichave an unfortunate habit of becoming abusive whenever "House Full" isannounced, after bravely enduring the probationary martyrdom of waitinghours for one of their favoured entertainments to start.

  The belief that the Judge was about to take his seat was found to be afalse alarm, so the hum and hubbub inside the Court recommenced withrenewed activity. The solicitors chattered at their table likemagpies. The leading barristers turned over their briefs and snappedout replies to the other barristers with them, and fidgeted with theirgowns. Everybody glared at everybody else in the amber-lighted Court,but however eagerly they talked, and wherever they looked, the eyes ofevery one in Court always returned to stare in amazement and wonderingcuriosity upon one object. In the body of the Court, looming out ofthe dimness, the head fully illuminated, was the enormous statue of abronze lion upon its stone pedestal.

  "Most extraordinary case in my recollection," drawled a juniorbarrister to one of his fellows who was flattened beside him; "nowonder there is no room in Court with that ridiculous thing stuckthere!"

  "Who's for the defendant?"

  "Dreadful, K.C., instructed by Brockett and Bracket."

  "Umph! then I suppose there will be explosions and fireworks in Court:it's usually so when Dreadful starts."

  "Gentle Gammon, I see, for the plaintiff. Biggest spoofer on the LawList, clever though."

  Even after the Court appeared to be packed with that overlappingeconomy which is a characteristic repose of preserved sardines, smallbodies of juniors, some with wigs, some without wigs, some in wholegowns, some with their gowns in shreds, forced their way in from otherdoors and other Courts. Some conspicuously held briefs borrowed forthe occasion, some did not even pretend to have any such thing.

  The stalwart policeman who guarded this second door suddenly becamefirm, and closed it with a mighty effort; that is to say, he all butclosed it, only was prevented by the foot and head of the last juniorhurrying in, who howled his agony aloud at having fallen into such atrap.

  "No, no, Mr. Towers," expostulated the tall constable, "can't you seethe Court is full and won't hold another one?"

  "Lucas, let me in at once."

  "I can't, sir, more than my position is worth."

  "Then let me out," howled the suffering junior, "you're crushing myfoot and my neck."

  The stalwart policeman lessened a fraction of his weight against thedoor, and the imprisoned junior was allowed to scrape himself out asgradually as his peculiar position would admit.

  The one person who considered the presence of the Lion in Court to bethe most natural thing in the world was Ridgwell, who, standing besidethe Writer, peeped through the little glass panel let into the doorleading from a passage to one of the witnesses waiting-rooms.

  "Is the Round Game going to commence?" Ridgwell asked the Writerinnocently.

  The Writer admitted gravely that the Round Game was going to commencewith a vengeance.

  "The ones who lose have to pay the forfeits, haven't they?" persistedRidgwell.

  "Yes," agreed the Writer. "Exactly--ahem!--heavy forfeits."

  "I hope Sir Simon wins then," observed Ridgwell.

  "You see that man across there, Ridgwell," remarked the Writer, "bigfierce-looking man making ineffectual efforts to adjust his wigbecomingly over a pair of very big red ears, with two very big redhands?"

  "Yes," agreed Ridgwell.

  "With the sort of expression upon his face that the first of the ThreeBears must have worn when he entered Silverlocks' kitchen and found thebread-and-milk to be missing?"

  "Yes," laughed Ridgwell, "I remember, 'Who stole my bread-and-milk?'"

  "Well, that is the man who is going to try to make you and I and SirSimon pay the forfeits."

  "How?" inquired Ridgwell.

  "Well," suggested the Writer, "you know he will roar and shout and bangthe table with those red hands of his, and try to frighten everybody,but the one thing to do is not to take the slightest notice of him. Ifhe annoys you, just smile; if he continues to annoy you, just glancetowards the Judge."

  At this moment the voices of the ushers were heard shouting for silenceand order, and a profound stillness reigned inside the Court, for hisLordship the Judge had entered through the doors leading to his roomand had taken his seat.

  His scarlet robe only seemed to accentuate the colour of his puffy pinkcheeks, whilst the blackness of his little beady eyes and pointed noserather gave him the appearance of some overfed bird gorged to repletionafter a particularly satisfying meal, slightly apoplectic, with itsbeak out of focus. The Judge, moreover, appeared to be afflicted witha little wheezy asthmatical cough which attacked him at intervals as heprepared to arrange his papers. The Clerk carefully placed a glass ofwater upon the desk by his Lordship's side, but whether this was doneby way of a simple remedy for the Judge's wheezy little cough, ormerely as a gentle reminder that the case was likely to be a dry one,cannot be guessed with any certainty. The preliminaries having beenarranged, the case having been called, the Ushers of the Court havingagain shouted unnecessarily for silence, Sir Simon Gold having staredat the Judge, and Mr. Learned Bore having stared at everybody, theJudge having appeared to have closed his beady eyes in slumber, like abroody hen upon a perch, Mr. Gentle Gammon rose and opened his case forthe plaintiff.

  As Ridgwell observed in a whisper, "the Round Game had started." Mr.Gentle Gammon opened his case in his proverbially gentle tones. It wasa silky voice, purring in its gentleness, but with a curious power ofpenetrating every corner of the over-crowded Court; it insisted evenwhilst it soothed, and its effect upon his Lordship the Judge seemed tobe most pleasing, as he immediately appeared to nod to it as if ingreeting. Mr. Gentle Gammon related to the Court how his client,holding the highest Civic position in London, had been made the subjectof a virulent and unscrupulous newspaper attack by a man who, inaddition to writing plays which nobody professed to understand,undoubtedly wrote articles that all fair-minded people unquestionablydeplored. This unprincipled person, Mr. Learned Bore by name, had seenfit to attack no less a person than the Worshipful the Lord Mayor ofLondon, and that, moreover, during his Lordship's tenure of office,believing that he, an unscrupulous journalist, could drag the LordMayor down from his exalted position by means of a few clap-trapphrases written for money, although he, the learned Counsel, marvelledhow any one could find it in their hearts to remunerate such a personengaged in such a calling using such questionable language in such apreposterous case.

  He, the Most Worshipful the Lord Mayor, the observed of all observersin the City as elsewhere, or in any assemblage he adorned with hispresence and ornamented with his personality, had been accused in anoffensive phrase of "imbibing too freely of the Devil's cup," theDevil's cup in this instance signifying wine, the insidious inferencebeing that the Most Worshipful the Mayor was inebriated, and, moreover,in public, and in Trafalgar Square of all places in London. TheCounsel paused dramatically, then a thrill o
f unutterable horror creptinto the hitherto purring voice of Mr. Gentle Gammon.

  "That, my Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, is a foul calumny, aninsidious lie, uttered to drag down the exalted of the earth, andbespatter the resplendent robes of Civic dignity with the spiteful mudbesprinkled from the nethermost garbaged recesses of the journalisticgutter.

  "During the still and beautiful night hours, when this travesty of anaccusation is brought, my client, the Most Worshipful, had wanderedinto the holy star-lit night, clad in the flowing robes symbolical ofhis exalted earthly estate, to place a wreath, a beautiful wreath, uponone of the monuments of London he deemed the most dignified and fittingto receive it. That monument, if they but lifted their eyes, theywould see in Court. A stately noble Lion, whose presence there hadnecessitated the removal of four separate sets of folding doors leadingto the Court in order that it might be present. Could this noble beastbut speak," urged Mr. Gentle Gammon, K.C., "could it even roar, itwould speak its severest censures, would roar its loudest denunciationsat the libellous statement that the noble Civic head of London whohonoured it, could possibly have done so, could conceivably haveclimbed to such a height upon its back, unless he had been eminentlysober, unfalteringly steady at the time when, clad in his robes in thecalm violet depth of night, he had placed his offering in happyfelicitation as a symbol and a greeting to his beloved City of London.This should have excited only admiration; but seen through the pryingeyes of a prurient pressman, this touching tribute had been changed bythe vile alchemy of suspicion to an unseemly and ridiculous action ofmidnight debauchery which could only have turned the noble Lion tostone, had it not already been made of bronze.

  "My Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, this Lion stands for liberty, as doall British Lions. I claim the liberty and full right of my client, ifhe deems fit, to be able to decorate any statue of London whenever hepleases, at any or every possible hour of the night that he chooses,without the stupid and interfering intervention of a constable, or theslanderous pen of a Mr. Learned Bore, having the power to make alovable and harmless action wear the appearance of a midnight frolic ofbibulous recklessness, which, had it taken place, would have been onlyfood and gossip for the senseless and shameful, and reflective regretfor the wise.

  "My Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, my client does not wish for bigdamages, but he does demand strict justice. That is what he is herefor, my Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, that is what we are all herefor. If I were given to emotion, which I am glad to confess I am not,my deepest and innermost emotions would be called forth by the pictureof his Lordship there before us, who holds the scales of Justice in hishands, who can pierce the outer coverings of dissembling and falsehoodwith the eagle eye of truth, who can right this hideous wrong, who cansmooth out the crooked paths of falsehood, making all plain. Let thefalse traducer beware, I say, he is veritably between the Lion and theEagle. His Lordship in this case is the Eagle (metaphorically, ofcourse)," hastily added Counsel, upon noticing the extraordinarylikeness of his Lordship to a bird roosting, "and the Lion and theEagle shall each of them turn and between them rend the truth andnothing but the truth from the lying carcase of calumny.

  "Having now shown with impartiality, at the same time characterisedwith reserve, that the condition ascribed to the Right Worshipful theLord Mayor was ridiculous, I will proceed to deal with the otherstatement in this misjudged journalistic attack, that the RightWorshipful was reviving Paganism in London, and in consequenceattracting a crowd. Far from the Right Worshipful either attractingattention or causing a scene or obstruction in Trafalgar Square, Ishall prove indisputably that it was the Lion, and the Lion alone, thatcaused the scene; the Lion also, who by a strange metamorphosisoccasioned a crowd to collect. We know from classical history that inBabylon and Assyria bulls talked, we have heard of the oracle ofDelphi, and in Biblical history of animals who talked. I shall proveby witnesses that this Lion has not only walked but talked as well."

  Sensation in Court.

  Here his Lordship the Judge appeared to show the first sign of interesthe had evinced in the case.

  "My learned friend must be careful," cautioned the Judge. "If what hestates is true, the Lion may have to go into the witness-box."

  Titters in Court. The Learned Judge smiles, rather pleased with hisown remark.

  Mr. Dreadful, K.C., at this point arose hastily; in fact, the learnedK.C. almost jumped.

  "My Lord, I protest against such a line of argument, such a travestybeing introduced to mar the seriousness of this case."

  His Lordship waved the learned and excited gentleman aside.

  "I am the Judge here," observed his Lordship, "and in that sense I evenresemble Daniel with regard to his duties in a similar capacity, but Ifear I do not possess his special knowledge with regard to Lions."

  Titters again in Court, in which the Learned Judge joins.

  "However, I am always anxious to learn."

  Renewed titters.

  Mr. Dreadful, K.C., seats himself hurriedly and grinds his teeth invexation, but finds time to whisper rapidly to a junior, who leaves theCourt hastily and mysteriously.

  "Pray continue, Mr. Gammon."

  "My Lord, I have little more to say."

  "I am sorry for that," interposed the Judge; "you were beginning tointerest me more than I should have believed possible."

  Mr. Gentle Gammon bowed ever so slightly, as if the Learned Judge hadcrowned him with a compliment that he found too heavy for his head tosupport, and proceeded--

  "But, my Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, if I say little else withregard to this case before you, which is permeated throughout by themythical mystery of a classical age, it is only that the witnesses Ishall produce to prove this strange thing may speak instead of myself.Three witnesses in all, and one in particular. The one in particular,since only truth can issue from the lips of infancy, I shall callfirst. My Lord, I shall put a child, a little boy, into the witnessbox that you may hear his simple story."

  _Judge_. "Dear me, I hope he won't be frightened of the Lion."(Titters in Court.)

  _Mr. Gammon, K.C._ "On the contrary, my Lord, you will find he regardsit as an old friend; and, my Lord, when you have listened to what hehas to say, I think we may all realise 'that there are more things inheaven and earth than are dreamt of in--er--philosophy.'"

  _His Lordship_ (pleasantly). "I think I have heard that before."

  _Mr. Gammon_ (courteously). "Your Lordship is much too well read tohave missed it." (Thereupon Mr. Gammon, K.C., sat down.)

  _Judge_ (with a little snigger). "The only thing I am likely to missis how our _celestial_ knowledge is going to be especially advancedthis afternoon. However, the curious nature of the case as presentedpossesses unlimited possibilities."

  Ridgwell, having been called, walked with the utmost composure intoCourt and took his place in the witness-box. He looked very tiny, butvery self-possessed, and smiled pleasantly at the Judge.

  The Judge smiled pleasantly back at Ridgwell.

  Mr. Gammon rose to the occasion and to his feet at one and the sametime. He permitted the pleasing impression that Ridgwell hadunconsciously created to have its full effect upon the Court, and uponeverybody present with the exception of Mr. Learned Bore, whosecountenance alone wore the disgusted and horrified expression thatmight have been expected had a great green toad been introduced intothe witness-box. Mr. Learned Bore's countenance afforded a strangestudy of nausea struggling against outraged dignity.

  "Now, Ridgwell, do you see any one in Court that you know?"

  "Yes. Lal."

  "And will you tell us who Lal is?" purred Mr. Gammon.

  "Yes, Lal is the Pleasant-Faced Lion. There he is," said Ridgwell.

  "How do you know his name is Lal?" inquired Counsel winningly.

  "He told me so himself, it is short for Lionel. Lionel is his propername."

  "And when did this Lion Lal first speak to you?"

  "Some weeks ago. The night I got lost in
the fog."

  This was altogether too much for Mr. Dreadful, K.C.

  "My Lord," shouted that gentleman, as he bounded to his feet, "my Lord,I take this opportunity of protesting that the witness is not the onlyone who complains of being lost in the fog. I myself, my Lud, amcompletely lost owing to the same cause."

  "In that case," said the Judge, testily, "always keep quite still, andyou will in time find out where you are."

  Titters in Court.

  "My Lord," roared Counsel for the defendant, "I protest!"

  The Judge interposing. "My learned friend, there is only one thingpresent in this Court that has a right to roar, and it is noticeablewhat a good example he sets you by refraining from doing so."(Amusement in Court.) "Kindly sit down. The little boy is giving hisevidence very well indeed."

  "Am I to take this witness's evidence down, my Lord?" inquired theJudge's Clerk in a whisper.

  "Certainly, certainly," replied the Judge. "If a Hans ChristianAndersen comes into Court, or sends a deputy, the evidence must betaken down, the same as anybody else's."

  "And now, Ridgwell," said Mr. Gentle Gammon, in his gentlest tones,"will you please tell us in your own way all that befell you when youbecame acquainted with the Pleasant-Faced Lion."

  For a considerable time the Learned Judge folded his claw-like thumbsand listened, and the Court sat amazed and stupefied whilst Ridgwelltold of all the adventures that had befallen him after his acquaintancewith Lal.

  First came the tournament, then his first ride home to Balham on theLion's back.

  "Rather a long way, little man, eh?" suggested the Judge, affably. "Hecould never have been away so far from Trafalgar Square before. Howdid he find his way?"

  "Oh, he followed the tram-lines," said Ridgwell.

  Titters in Court.

  "Good indeed, a most admirable witness this," observed his Lordship.

  Then followed a simple but glowing description of the Pleasant-FacedLion's wonderful evening party.

  "Dear me," again observed his Lordship, "you had Royalty present, too!"

  "Yes," said Ridgwell. "King Richard, King Charles, Queen Boadicea; andOliver Cromwell came in and shouted 'Ho!' at King Richard and 'Ha, ha!'at King Charles. Then the Griffin ordered Oliver Cromwell out, andChristine thanked him."

  "Very extraordinary and interesting," observed his Lordship; "and whois Christine?"

  "She is my little sister."

  "I have her deposition here, my Lord," broke in Counsel for plaintiff,"bearing out her brother's statements."

  When Ridgwell came to a description of the Griffin, his sayings,doings, his woes and his character generally, the entire Court rockedwith amusement which nobody made any effort to subdue.

  "And now," said Counsel, who had watched everything up to this pointwith the cunning eye of a fox, "and now, little man, will you kindlysing as well as you can the song you say the Griffin sang at the partybefore the Lion?"

  At this point Mr. Learned Bore, with his hands covering his ears, sankhis head upon the solicitor's table at which he sat. If there was onething Mr. Learned Bore hated more than children, it was music, in anyshape or form, and when they both came together Mr. Learned Bore sharedall the unpleasant feelings from which Mephistopheles was supposed tohave suffered whenever he heard church bells. In a beautifully clearchildish voice Ridgwell sang the merry song in the merriest wayimaginable.

  "Of a merry, merry King I will relate, Who owned much silver, gold and plate,"

  commenced Ridgwell triumphantly, in a quite wonderful rendering of theGriffin's favourite ballad. The tune was haunting, the swing of theair irresistible. The entire Court became slowly infected with theseductive gaiety of the song. The Juniors began to move their feet,the solicitors began to wave their quill pens to it. The Usher of theCourt nodded his head, and his Lordship the Judge was so carried awayby the melody that he unconsciously beat time gently by wagging onefinger, whilst he smiled around upon the Court; and so in a burst ofpleasing song Ridgwell continued--

  "Yet one thing the merry, merry King forgot, That it would be his Griffin's lot To be very, very cold or very, very hot--"

  "High up in Fleet Street," sang the entire Court.

  "So slowly the faithful creature got Chilblains in Fleet Street."

  "Chilblains in Fleet Street," yelled all the Juniors in chorus. Onwent Ridgwell without a breath--

  "The Griffin grew prettier day by day, Directing the traffic along each way, With always a pleasant word to say,"

  "High up in Fleet Street," burst from the Court, who knew the phrasequite as well as the refrain by this time, and could not have sung itbetter if they had practised it.

  "One trouble alone caused him dismay,"

  "Chilblains in Fleet Street," came the chorus, which drowned Ridgwell'slast notes entirely.

  Frantic applause in Court, which the Judge instantly suppressed.

  "If," said his Lordship, forgetful of the fact that he himself hadhelped in the scene by beating time, "if I have any more of thisdisgraceful disturbance in Court I shall give orders for it to beinstantly cleared."

  "Thank you, that will do. You can step down now, Ridgwell," said Mr.Gentle Gammon.

  "And very well sung," observed his Lordship, as Ridgwell departed.

  The next witnesses were called, Cissie Laurie and John Bowling.

  "Are you sure you have those names correctly?" asked the Judge.

  "Yes, my Lord; why?"

  _The Judge_ (facetiously). "It has been an afternoon of ballads; wehave just heard one very well sung, and it seems to me that thecollection would not be complete without _Annie_ Laurie and _Tom_Bowling." (Much laughter in Court, in which the Learned Judge joins ina high-pitched alto.)

  John Bowling admitted that he behaved most oddly, but he did so becausethe Lion seemed to be behaving strangely. Said he thought the Lion'seyes had gone green; believing that they were real emeralds, he hadtried to cut them out with his knife.

  _Judge_. "What! tried to gouge out the Pleasant-Faced Lion's eyes?"(Laughter in Court.)

  The Sailor admitted it with contrition.

  _The Judge_. "Such a gentle creature, too! Lal, the Children'sfriend." (Much laughter in Court.)

  _His Lordship_. "Had _you_ been to the party?" (Renewed laughter.)

  _Sailor_. "No, my Lord, not his, another." (More laughter.)

  Counsel here asked witness to relate what exactly happened upon theevening in question.

  _Sailor_. "Well, yer see, governor, I can't say, 'cos I can't remembermuch about it; yer see, I was tuppence on the can, so to speak."

  _Judge_ (interrupting). "I don't understand that expression; is it aterm used in the Navy? What does he mean by 'Tuppence on the can'?"

  _Sailor_. "Well, in other words, I was blind, your Worship, I meanyour Lordship." (Titters in Court.)

  Counsel hastened to explain that Mr. Bowling wished to convey theunfortunate fact that he was intoxicated.

  _Sailor_. "You've caught it, governor!"

  Counsel was here heard to murmur words to the effect that he wasthankful to say he had not caught it.

  _Witness_ (continuing unabashed). "Yer see, the reason as I was like Iwas, I 'ad snatched five dog's-noses right off."

  _Judge_ (plaintively to Counsel). "What does he mean by saying hesnatched five dog's-noses? Why, was he possessed with a mania formutilating animals?"

  _Counsel_ (explaining). "No, my Lord, the dog's-noses the witnessrefers to is a form of alcoholic stimulant--ahem!--gin, I believe, withsome other ingredient, such as ale, mixed with it."

  _His Lordship_. "Oh, very well."

  Counsel. "Did the witness consider the Lord Mayor of London was sober?"

  _Sailor_. "Do you mean that there old cove in the red gown?"

  _Judge_ (excitedly, and in needless alarm). "Of whom is he speaking?"

  _Counsel_ (hastening to explain). "The Lord Mayor, my Lord. I askedthe witness did he consider the Lord Mayor
sober upon the night theymet."

  _Witness_. "Yes, he was sober enough, but I think he was balmy, and Ishall always think he was balmy."

  _Counsel_. "Thank you, that is sufficient; you can stand down."

  Cissie Laurie, upon being called, went skittishly into the witness box,curtseyed to the Court, and blew a kiss to the Judge.

  His Lordship glared at the lady in shocked amazement.

  Upon being questioned, Mrs. Laurie confided that most of her early lifehad been passed playing in Pantomimes, therefore she had always beenfond of dancing. At the present time she kept a lodging-house fortheatricals, and the only chance she had of indulging in her old andfavourite pastime seemed to be to dance attendance upon these lodgers.

  "Never mind what you do indoors," suggested Counsel. "I want to knowwhat you do out of doors, what you did out of doors on the particularnight in question when you met the Lord Mayor of London."

  "Well, I felt young and girlish," confessed Cissie. "The first floorback and the second floor front had both gone out, and the house seemeddull with no lights and nobody in it."

  "Never mind about the house or the lighting of it," interruptedCounsel. "You went out for a walk in the streets of London."

  "When I got to Trafalgar Square," continued Cissie, "I felt skittish,thoughtless and jolly, and I could 'ave declared he laughed at me andthen winked."

  _Judge_ (interrupting). "The witness tells her story very badly. Wholaughed and winked at her? The Lord Mayor?"

  _Counsel_ (hastily). "No, no, my Lord, not the Lord Mayor; the Lion."

  _Judge_. "Oh, well, why doesn't she say so?"

  Then proceeded Cissie, heedless of all interruptions--

  "I sees the wreath round his neck, and I at once thought of the Russiandancers----"

  _Judge_. "Tut, tut, tut! what has the fact of the Lord Mayor of Londonhaving a wreath round his neck to do with the Russian ballet?"

  _Counsel_ (in despair). "Not the Lord Mayor, my Lord; the Lion."

  _Judge_ (testily). "Then will the witness please say the word Lionwhenever she wishes to refer to the Lion?"

  _Cissy_ (imperturbably). "I don't want to refer to it no more, 'cos Icollared the wreath, and 'olding it over my 'ead I danced round theSquare, just like the posters of them Russian dancers."

  _His Lordship_ (irritably). "Which particular poster was she desirousof realising?"

  _Counsel_. "My Lord, I think it must be the one of a slim and classicyouth dancing the Bacchanal with a wreath uplifted over his head."

  _His Lordship_ (looking at Cissie's ample form completely filling thewitness-box, murmurs), "No, I cannot see the picture at all."

  _Counsel_. "Nor I, my Lord, believe me."

  Then volunteered Cissie, "He gave me two sovereigns."

  _Judge_. "What, the Lion? does he give money as well as parties?"

  _Counsel_ (desperately). "Not the Lion this time, my Lord, but theLord Mayor. Did you consider that the Lord Mayor was sober when hegave you this money?"

  _Cissie_. "Lor bless yer, yes, as sober as his Honour there theblessed Judge himself."

  _Judge_ (with complexion rapidly changing from pink to crimson). "Donot refer to me again in such a way. It is most improper."

  _Cissie_ (obligingly). "Very well, my dear."

  _Judge_ (very annoyed). "Do not address me as my dear, do not addressme at all, direct your remarks to Counsel, please."

  _Cissie_ (tossing her head). "Wot o'! now we shan't be long."

  _Counsel_ (soothingly). "No, Mrs. Laurie, as you observe, we shall notbe long now. Will you kindly tell me where you met the Lord Mayor,previous to your meeting with him in Trafalgar Square?"

  _Cissie_. "Yes, I first met him in a Pantomime."

  _Counsel_. "In a Pantomime; very good."

  _Cissie_. "Yus, I was playing Principal Boy, dressed in a green velvetjacket, green ostrich plumes in my 'air, and a pink pair of silktights. Oh, you should just 'ave seen the pink silk tights, bran newones."

  _Counsel_ (hastily). "Thank you, that is sufficient; a detaileddescription of the costume you wore is immaterial to the case."

  _Cissie_. "Oh, is it? then I don't see the object of my being dragged'ere if I ain't to describe my costume."

  _Counsel_. "That will do, thank you, Mrs. Laurie; stand down."

  _Cissie_. "Dragging me all the way 'ere, when the lodgers ain't gottheir dinners yet; fish to fry for the first floor, and the second backwanting macaroni with their stew, because they're I'talians."

  _Counsel_. "That's enough, Mrs. Laurie."

  _Cissie_ (still talking as she prepares to depart). "Oh, is it enough,Mister Grey-Wig? Well, I call it a darned sight too much." (Cissiehere being persuaded out by an usher of the Court). "So the next timeyou wants me to leave my work in the middle of the day you can fish forme, same as the lodgers will 'ave to fish for their darned dinner thisblessed----" (door of the Court closes upon Cissie, rendering furtherremarks inaudible).

  _Judge_. "A most garrulous woman."

  Here Mr. Dreadful, K.C., rose with an evil smile of triumph, that is tosay, it was a cross between a legal smile and a snarl.

  Mr. Dreadful, K.C.'s utterances rather suggested the muffleddischarging of pom-poms. Whenever he opened his mouth it was succeededby an explosion of words, then a whistle by way of taking breath,another explosion succeeded by more whistles. Mr. Dreadful announcedthat before placing his client in the witness-box, he would state thatall his client, the defendant's, written words were true in substanceand in fact.

  "The Lord Mayor of London had wandered out into the night, so had hisclient, Mr. Learned Bore. This gentleman, a playwright, journalist andwriter, had wandered forth in order, no doubt, to get inspiration. Thesource of any such inspiration as he might have derived from the calmnight had been utterly destroyed by the ridiculous antics of the LordMayor of London; inspiration had vanished, giving place instantly to arighteous feeling of strong condemnation that so beautiful a thingshould have been so ruthlessly crushed. Fancies had fled, driven fromtheir abiding-place by stern facts. Those facts had been embodied in aglowing article, destined to be distributed through the medium of thedaily paper which his client adorned by contributions from his pen."

  "If the Lord Mayor of London objected to the ridicule which hisclient's able article had heaped upon him--it was entirely the fault ofthe Lord Mayor. Any sober person, such as his client, must haveinstinctively supposed the Lord Mayor to be inebriated, when he wasactually discovered arrayed in his state robes, coaxing the statue of aLion to speak to him. Any Christian person, after observing this highCivic official place a wreath about this effigy, would unquestionablyhave believed him to be a Pagan, and a very ignorant one at that.Finding it hopeless to either excuse or explain such conduct, theplaintiff in this action, which ought never to have been brought, thatis if the plaintiff had been wise, had actually, with an impudentaudacity unparalleled in any Court of Law, urged that this lifelessLion not only talked, but made signs. I shall not cross-examine onesingle witness who has appeared up to the present in this case, theyhave sufficiently condemned themselves already."

  "The last lady, with a wealth of unnecessary words and adjectives, hadinformed the Court that she was once in a Pantomime, and it is my firmimpression that is exactly where all the other witnesses in this caseought to be, especially the child who had unblushingly told them a longfairy story, and had attempted to sing them a song. A Pantomime wasthe proper place for them all, a fitting setting, and especiallysuitable for the Lord Mayor himself, robes and all. There, amidst themedley of such an entertainment, the Lord Mayor could coax Lions to dotricks, the sailor could indulge in his hornpipes and quaffdog's-noses. The child could act fairy stories, and sing all byhimself, whilst the vociferating lady, who owned to a weakness fordancing indecorous solos, would be able to delight her heart byperforming the Russian Carnival----"

  _Judge_ (prompting). "Bacchanal."

  "They would all be most su
itable in a Pantomime, but not in a Court ofLaw."

  "The one amazing thing which had horrified him inexpressibly during thecase was the fact that his learned brother Counsel, Mr. Gentle Gammon,had so far forgotten his professional dignity as to declare that thisLion actually moved and spoke at times. He feared, and also helamented, that his learned brother must be approaching his dotage. Yetin order to satisfy each and every one in Court, he, Mr. Dreadful, hadsent an urgent and special messenger for a first-class veterinarysurgeon, having the letters M.R.C.V.S. after his name, and also for oneof the keepers belonging to the lions' house in the Zoological Gardens.Their evidence would now be taken."

  Upon the appearance of the M.R.C.V.S. in the witness-box the LearnedJudge saw fit to interfere.

  _Judge_. "Have you ever attended a lion professionally?"

  _M.R.C.V.S._ "Never, your Lordship."

  _Judge_ (sagaciously). "Then what do you know about them?"

  _M.R.C.V.S._ "I have attended other animals, your Lordship."

  _Judge_. "Very likely, very likely, but a live ass is a differentthing to a dead lion." (Laughter in Court.)

  _Counsel_ (for the Defendant). "_Better_ than a dead lion, yourLordship." (More laughter.)

  _Judge_. "Not in this case." (Loud laughter.) "The learned Counselfor the Defence need not waste the time of the Court in hearing theopinion of either Veterinary Surgeons or experts from the Zoo. Whatthe Learned Counsel ought to do is to produce Pygmalion." (Titters inCourt.)

  Mr. Dreadful, K.C., rising to protest. "My Lud, Pygmalion is amythical personage, and your Ludship knows he is of a necessityshrouded in silence."

  _His Lordship_. "So is the Lion." (Laughter in Court.)

  _Mr. Dreadful_ (still exploding and still protesting). "My Lud, I doventure to suggest that this Lion should somehow be thoroughlyexamined."

  _His Lordship_. "Well, it is in Court, better try for yourself. Ionly hope your efforts will be as successful as Little Ridgwell's andhis sister Christine, to say nothing of the Lord Mayor of London."

  _Mr. Dreadful_. "My Lud, I cannot treat with these people, it is likedealing with the worshippers of Baal."

  _His Lordship_. "Well, I really cannot sanction digging a trench andlighting fires all round it here in my court, to make it speak." (Loudlaughter.)

  After the laughter had somewhat subsided a slight stir was occasionedin Court by the appearance in the witness-box of Mr. Learned Bore.

  In reply to many questions from Mr. Dreadful, K.C., Mr. Learned Borestated all the incidents in Trafalgar Square which he had witnessed,and which had given rise to the present action.

  Cross-examined by Mr. Gentle Gammon--

  "You are a famous playwright, Mr. Learned Bore," commenced Counsel.

  "I am a playwright."

  "Do you write to instruct or to amuse?"

  "It is possible to combine both."

  "Can you give me an example?"

  "Yes, this afternoon's experience in Court."

  "Wonderful as that may have been, Mr. Bore, I suggest you have notwritten it."

  _His Lordship_ (facetiously). "Give him a chance, he may." (Laughterin Court.)

  "Of course," suggested Counsel, "you always enjoy reading your ownarticles in the papers."

  "Oh dear no. I am only concerned with writing them."

  "But I suggest you read them before you send them in."

  "Never; the Editor saves me the trouble."

  "Your articles have a ready acceptance, I take it."

  "Always."

  "The Editor is so desirous of obtaining your work, I suppose he iswilling to pay a big price for it even before it is written."

  "Yes, and before it is read."

  "Indeed, so there must be a time when nobody knows what your articlesare about, including yourself, as you never read them." Counselcontinuing. "I presume you never contribute any articles during thetime of the year known as the Silly Season?"

  "On the contrary, my first effort in that direction has resulted in thebringing of the present action."

  "You considered the Silly Season had started then, upon the night youmet the Lord Mayor?"

  "The Silly Season started then, has continued since, and appears to beat its height here this afternoon."

  (Sweetly.) "Then you can congratulate yourself upon being thoroughly inthe fashion. Now tell me, Mr. Bore, in your opinion, should we takethe statues of London seriously?"

  "No, in my opinion we should take them all down."

  "All? Oh, surely not. Now, as an instance, let us go down the Strand."

  _His Lordship_ (interrupting). "No, no, no, I believe the correctquotation is, 'Let's all go down the Strand.'" (Loud laughter.)

  _Counsel_. "I have never heard the quotation, my lord."

  _His Lordship_ (pleasantly). "What! I should have thought thateverybody had heard that, the difficulty is not to hear it. I haveeven heard it set to music." (Loud laughter.)

  "Now, Mr. Bore," continued Counsel, when order had once more beenrestored. "Has it never struck you that some of the statues of Londonmight, for example, sometimes come to life?"

  "Never. I cannot imagine anything less like life, than any of thestatues of London."

  "Surely the one in Court to-day is a good specimen?"

  "If it is a specimen it ought to be in its proper place--in a case."

  _Counsel_ (gently). "It is in a case."

  "And I object to it being in this case."

  "Sculpture is evidently not your strong point."

  "Neither are ridiculous fairy tales!"

  "You wish us to believe that you, a writer, are only capable of dealingwith facts."

  "I have not encountered any facts in this case at all yet, and Iutterly fail to understand what anybody here can mean by facts afterthis afternoon's exhibition."

  _Judge_ (annoyed). "Tut, tut! Facts are facts: this is a Court ofJustice: I am the Judge; would you, for instance, regard me, _me_ as afact?"

  _Mr. Learned Bore_. "No, as a figure-head."

  His Lordship shrieks in his highest falsetto--

  "Remove this witness at once, he is flippant. Order him to stand down,or I shall commit him for contempt."

  Sensation in Court. Mr. Learned Bore leaves the witness-box,hurriedly, and looking slightly scared.

  Mr. Dreadful, K.C., wishing to cover up the _faux pas_ as quickly aspossible, rises and announces in explosive tones--

  "Call the Writer."

  The Writer entered the witness-box; inclined his head slightly to theJudge, smiled in the direction of the Lord Mayor, and was immediatelybombarded explosively by Mr. Dreadful, K.C., whose pom-pom-like shellswhistling overhead seemed totally unable to disturb the Writer's serenecalm.

  "Now, sir, are you not the author of the song, the ballad, the bosh,whatever you like to call it, that we have all been compelled to listento in Court this afternoon?"

  "Yes and No."

  "Don't prevaricate, sir; which is it, yes or no?"

  "Both."

  "I warn you, sir, I warn you; what do you mean by both?"

  "What I say."

  "Then kindly say what you mean, sir; you must mean one or the other ifyou mean anything; you cannot mean both."

  "I rearranged the song you refer to only from hearsay."

  "Oh, indeed, sir, pray who is the original author?"

  "The Griffin."

  "Kindly stop talking nonsense, sir; it is bad enough to have to sufferit from an over-imaginative child, from a grown-up person it isintolerable. Do you suppose we are going to have the Griffin broughtinto Court in addition to the Lion?"

  "I hope so."

  "Indeed, indeed, sir, why do you hope so?"

  "Well, judging from the Griffin's characteristics we have heard so welldescribed this afternoon, he must be feeling green with envy that hehas not received a summons here."

  "You are pleased to joke, sir, and you are attempting to be elusive,but you will not slip through the fine mesh
es of evidence woven by thelaw in that way. Kindly examine that paper!"

  Small piece of dirty paper passed to witness--

  Witness smiles.

  "Is that your handwriting, sir?"

  "Certainly."

  "And the composition of the words are yours?"

  "No, only touched up from the Griffin's original."

  Mr. Dreadful, bellowing, stamping, and banging his hand upon table allat one and the same time--

  "The wretched Griffin is left entirely out of this case, sir."

  "It is a thousand pities; he would have enjoyed it so."

  "My Lord, I will venture to read this fragment mercifully dropped inCourt by the child confederate of this slippery witness: it is headed_Chorus_, my lord; it doubtless forms a last part to the ridiculoussong we all listened to in pained surprise. I contend, my Lord, thatthis fragment which has come into my possession is seditious;seditious, my Lord."

  "Well, well, let us hear it," his Lordship adding hastily: "No, no,don't sing it, read it."

  "My Lord, your injunction to me is unnecessary; indeed, my Lord, I lackall training enabling me to sing, I am thankful to say, but what ismore to the point, my Lord, I almost lack the necessary self-control toread these seditious words unmoved by indignation. However, my Lord, Iwill make an effort." Counsel reads: "'Oh, my poor tender feet.'"(Titters in Court.)

  _His Lordship_. "Well, well, that is harmless enough, the Griffincomplained of that, you remember."

  _Counsel_. "My Lord, I know nothing of the Griffin, and care lesswhether he complained or what he complained of, but, my Lord, it is Iwho complain, and rightly so, when the majesty of the law of England ismocked at. Listen, my Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, to the followinglines, and their harmful wickedness--

  "Of what use are England's laws Unless they protect my claws, And keep me warm in the street? What snuffy old Judge in Court, Ever gives my poor feet a thought; Ever thinks of the snows and frosts, Or adds up my bill of costs?"

  (Titters in Court from the juniors.)

  "There, my Lord," thundered Counsel, "can any one hear this iniquitousdocument unmoved, these wantonly wicked lines mocking alike at Law andOrder, even at your Lordship's own almost sacred calling."

  _His Lordship_. "A highly offensive and seditious document; impoundit, Mr. Dreadful, and continue your examination of witnesses, please;time goes on."

  "Now, sir," exploded Mr. Dreadful, "the Court, having with shamelistened to your ribald effusion, I will ask you what you had to drinkupon the night you and the Lord Mayor were found wandering underextraordinary circumstances in Trafalgar Square?"

  "To drink--I personally? Nothing."

  "What did you have in the house, sir, at the time?"

  "Oh, the usual things."

  "Don't equivocate, sir; how does the Court know what you may considerusual in your ill-regulated household. What did the Lord Mayor partakeof during the period he was in your company, in your rooms, beforegoing out to chase a lady who was under the impression she was aRussian dancer--round Trafalgar Square, and before proceeding to playbo-peep with one of the lions, placed in that Square to ornamentit,--what, I ask, sir, did the Lord Mayor partake of by way ofrefreshment?"

  "Oh, two tiny glasses of Creme-de-Menthe."

  _Counsel_ (triumphantly). "I knew it; at last, my Lord, we have themystery explained. The mystery of the Lion's green eyes, thestrangeness of the Lord Mayor's attitude, the strangeness of hisspeech, his dress, all due, my Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, toCreme-de-Menthe! My Lord, that one phrase explains this whole mystery,and with it I finish my statement of this case, my Lord, finish it withthose three, deadly, green, significant words--Creme-de-Menthe."

  Whereupon, to everybody's relief, the pompom explosions of Mr. Dreadfulceased. The last shell had been fired, followed by the usual whistles,and he sat down.

  The silky tones of Mr. Gentle Gammon came as a positive relief as here-examined and asked gently--

  "Have you got the particular bottle of Creme-de-Menthe in Court?"

  The Writer said he had brought it.

  The bottle was fetched promptly.

  "My Lord," observed Mr. Gentle Gammon, "I do not think the amount takencould possibly have had any effect upon anybody. Your Lordshipobserves that the bottle is nearly full, and the bottle produced is theidentical vessel used upon the evening in question. Was any other sortof refreshment partaken of that evening in your chambers?"

  "None whatever."

  "One more question before you go. Of course this ballad, rearranged,as you say, from the original by you, was written without any thoughtof giving offence?"

  "It was never intended to be published at all."

  "Never intended to be read in Court, of course?"

  "_Never_, in the way it was read."

  "Thank you, that is enough," whereupon the Writer vanished gracefullyfrom the witness-box.

  After this period in the proceedings, if the Learned Judge slumberedonly fitfully during Mr. Dreadful's final peroration, it might havebeen owing to the spasmodic explosions of that Counsel's voice; butthere could be no doubt that the Learned Judge slept peacefully duringthe earlier portions of Mr. Gentle Gammon's final effort upon behalf ofhis client.

  The Learned Judge had, however, a curious habit of hearing particularthings in his sleep, which, like the highly intelligent house-dog,might have been either the result of long training or a naturally keenpossession of the intuitive faculty. His Lordship found frequentoccasion, therefore, to arouse himself in order to interpolate remarksduring the latter half of Mr. Gentle Gammon's closing speech.

  "Who are these sceptics?" demanded Mr. Gammon, "these disbelievers?"After all they had heard that afternoon, might they not verily beapproaching that blissful period when the Lion should lie down with theLamb?...

  _His Lordship_ (opening one eye). "But it seems, according toevidence, that the Lion didn't always lie down; it stood up and gave aparty."

  Counsel proceeds: he had not quite finished the beautiful andwell-known simile; here Counsel paused before continuing in a voicemellowed by winning tenderness--

  "And the little child shall lead them."

  _Judge_ (again interrupting). "No, no, the Lion, according toevidence, distinctly led the children, even took them to Balham, wegather, in the direction of the tram-lines."

  _Counsel_. "Your Lordship is pleased to interrupt my remarks."

  _Judge_. "No, no, not pleased at all; quite the contrary."

  _Counsel_. "I am sorry to have encountered your Lordship'sdispleasure."

  _His Lordship_ (irritably). "You have not encountered anything yet,save an inability to deal with the evidence, as evidence."

  _Counsel_. "But, my Lord------"

  _His Lordship_. "Hush, do not contradict me. Please continue; I shallnot interrupt again."

  _Counsel_. "I thank your Lordship for that assurance."

  _His Lordship_. "Please do not thank me, and do not provoke me."

  _Counsel_ (proceeds, slightly ruffled). He would take another case ofBiblical history; it was without question an ass who had upon a certainoccasion been the one to see when a Lion had stood in his path. Herethe case was unhappily reversed; it was only the asses who couldn't seethe Lion, as he ought to be seen in this case.

  _His Lordship_. "No, I cannot see that."

  _Counsel_. "Your Lordship only makes my remarks more pointed than Iactually intended."

  _His Lordship_. "Please do not set cheap traps or you may one day getcaught in them yourself."

  _Counsel_ (gallantly). "In that case, I can only hope that yourLordship may be there to extricate me by the nimbleness of your wit."

  _His Lordship_ (beaming round upon the Court, and especially uponCounsel). "Very pleasant, very clever; your speech interests me verymuch; pray continue!"

  _Learned Counsel_ (continuing). "Shakespeare, our best guide,philosopher, poet, thinker, and prophet, had fitly and mostappropriately even foretold this ver
y matter with regard to the Lion;maybe had prophesied it, when he told us there were sermons in stoneand good in everything."

  _Judge_ (awakening, after dozing). "Good gracious! I alwaysunderstood it was bronze."

  _Counsel_. "Ahem! Yes, my Lord, that is to say stone pedestal, bronzebeast."

  _His Lordship_. "Very well, but when you quote for a purpose alwaysquote with exact correctness."

  _Counsel_ (proceeds). "Did not the creature his Lordship had referredto as the great Pyg--Pyg--Pyg-----"

  _His Lordship_ (prompting). "No, no, not a pig, a Lion."

  _Counsel_ (bows, and with a supreme effort of memory recollects theword Pygmalion). "Had not the great Pygmalion so created Galatea thatshe verily became endowed with life, and may we not suppose that thegenius of Sir Edwin Landseer, or whoever carved this wondrous lifelikeLion, might not also have endowed it with some such strange new form ofexistence? Was it reasonable to suppose that what had happened toBeauty might not also happen to the Beast? Take the simple exquisitestatement of this child, this little boy Ridgwell, confirmed by hissister."

  _Judge_ (prompting). "No, no, you can only be actually confirmed by aBishop."

  _Counsel_. "I spoke of another confirmation, my Lord."

  _His Lordship_. "Well, the issue, the issue, what does it show?"

  _Counsel_. "My Lord, I will explain at some length carefully."

  His Lordship immediately relapses into another short but placid slumber.

  _Counsel_. "This child Ridgwell, with the imagination worthy ofChristian in the _Pilgrim's Progress_, states simply, and you haveheard for yourselves how beautifully, that the Lion walked and talkedwith him; and as I have used the touching illustration of the Pilgrim'sProgress, with which you are all familiar, I say this child is notalone in his belief that the Lion came to life. There are others totestify, others to write of it, among them a well-known Writer andPoet. This Lion has not been left without a Bunyan."

  _His Lordship_ (waking almost with a start). "No, no! ridiculous; youare mixing matters. All the Lion had was a swelling in the foot causedby a thorn--I know the fable well."

  _Counsel_. "My Lord, believe me, I spoke of a different matter."

  _His Lordship_. "Well, you must not really wander from the point, itmakes it almost impossible for me to follow you, and if I cannot followyou I don't know where you will be."

  _Counsel_ (glibly). "I trust it is I who will always follow yourLordship, and be led, as it were, by your Lordship."

  _His Lordship_ (obviously highly pleased). "Very true, and very aptlyexpressed. Pray do not let me interrupt you."

  _Counsel_ (bowing). "Your Lordship's remarks are in themselves aCommentary, and worthy of all preservation."

  _His Lordship_ (almost playfully). "Exceedingly apt. But I mustrefuse to be prejudiced by your clever advocacy."

  _Counsel_. "And now we come to the touching and beautiful story of theLord Mayor of London, the Right Worshipful" (with a rising inflexion ofadmiration in his voice), "who, after many years, had been knightedlike Dick Whittington."

  _His Lordship_. "What has Dick Whittington and his Cat to do with thepresent Lord Mayor of London and the Lion?"

  _Counsel_. "Nothing, my Lord, save that----"

  _His Lordship_. "Then please omit it; we have had enough of the fairytale element in this trial without the introduction of any fresh fairystories or nursery rhymes whatever."

  _Counsel_ (continues blandly, as if unconscious of interruption). "TheRight Worshipful knew, and had always known, that one Lion wasdifferent to the others. One only, the one present in Court, wasintelligent, a companion; the other three were _deaf_."

  The Learned Counsel hoped the Gentlemen of the Jury "would not resemblethose other three Lions by being deaf, deaf to the cause of justice,deaf to the interests of his client the Right Worshipful, deaf to thosepromptings of illuminating intelligence which had been especiallyvouchsafed to them as Jurymen, deaf to their duties as citizens in astrange world where there were to be found things even stranger thanthemselves." Thereupon the Learned Counsel sat down.

  The Jury were asked if they wished to put any questions before HisLordship summed up.

  One juryman, rising, wished to know where Trafalgar Square was, as hehad never seen it.

  Consternation in Court.

  _His Lordship_. "Good gracious, where do you live?"

  Juryman was understood to say he had lived all his life upon theborders of Clapham Common. Questioned further with regard to thisextraordinary admission, confessed he had never seen any of the Lionsuntil he met the one in Court. Knew the Griffin well, as he had waitedbeside it during the four different days he had been obliged to come totown for the first time in his life. Had waited from an early houreach morning for several days until his name was called, when thedifferent Jury lists were made up. Obliged to wait so many days onaccount of the names being taken alphabetically on the List, hisbeginning with Y, his name being Yobb.

  After this brief interlude his Lordship appeared to rouse himself upand proceeded to sum up at one and the same time. His Lordshipcommenced by observing that the case before them that day was withoutexception the most extraordinary case that had ever come before himsince he had presided as a judge. The Learned Judge considered thatthe child Ridgwell was exempt from--er--er--any deliberate desire topervert facts. This boy claimed that he had become the recipient ofsome High Order of Imagination. He, the Learned Judge, had not theremotest idea what this order meant, and he firmly believed nobody elsein Court had the faintest conception either concerning such apossession. However, children would be children, which wasunfortunate, as he himself considered that children should be always,ahem! grown up, yes, or nearly always. That is to say, as often as waspossible.

  But the defendant, Mr. Learned Bore, had not even got the plea ofchildishness to excuse some of the very reprehensible, if not flippant,statements he had dared to make in the witness-box.

  As a writer, the Learned Judge had always been led to believe that Mr.Learned Bore was quite intelligent; as a witness, the Learned Judgeconsidered him deplorable. That a Lord Mayor of London, of London,perhaps the most beautiful and dignified city in the world, with a fewarchitectural exceptions which the Learned Judge deplored,but--ahem!--allowed; that the Lord Mayor of this City with theglittering chains of that High Office still weighing down his neck, yetwearing his crimson robes, which the Learned Judge hoped blushed forhim, as indeed his, the Learned Judge's own robes did, which he was atthat moment wearing. That this Lord Mayor should utter the still morecrimson falsehoods and fabrication of fairy folk, was well-nighinconceivable.

  The Learned Judge could only suppose such a state of Civic imbecilitywas due to the decadence of the times in which they had the misfortuneto live. It was the first indication that the downfall of London, likethat of Rome, and--er--other cities he could not at the momentrecall--was at hand.

  It showed, in the Learned Judge's opinion, that the Navy should at oncebe strengthened, the Board Schools increased, and the Asylums for allthose who were mentally afflicted, and therefore so unlike themselves,should immediately be enlarged throughout the country, in order to copewith the extra call upon them that such a state of things as they hadlistened to that day might necessitate.

  Furthermore, the Learned Judge remembered with gratitude the manypetitions to the Royal Family, who, he was thankful to note, were neverafflicted or influenced by any imagination whatsoever; therefore hebegged that those petitions might be increased fourfoldfor--for--reasons which at that moment he found it impossible toexplain.

  He furthermore would remember with gratitude, and would increase ifpossible, the numbers of institutions for the blind, not to mention thedeaf. During this action they had listened in very truth, and notunmoved, to people who had been blind. (Here a faint titter beingheard in Court, the Learned Judge added reprovingly--)

  He did not intend his last remark as a joke, having regard to theevidence one man h
ad given. No, it was no matter upon which to joke.The blind were there before them, and he had used the expression thedeaf, inasmuch that some of those before him had heard too much.

  To hear too much was worse than not hearing enough. One of the Jury atthis critical point, as if speaking upon impulse: "Hear! hear!"

  His Lordship paused in passionate surprise; indignantly wonderingwhether or not the Gentleman of the Jury, whose face appeared to becovered with purposeless pimples, had really intended his last remarkto be ambiguous.

  Upon feeling himself reassured upon this point, the Learned Judgeremarked: "Any more unseemly interruptions of this nature, and I shallclear the Court, not--ahem!--personally, but--er--vicariously, so tospeak. Where was I?" (consulting notes). "Yes, at the House ofCommons. The House of Commons, whose common sense as a body havehelped to make the--ahem!--Irish and the English as one."

  Where was the House of Commons now? He was thankful to say, where ithad always been.

  Would any one of the Members of that House believe that OliverCromwell, who had stood so long outside, had condescended to alightfrom his pedestal to shout vulgar abuse and brawling words at KingRichard and King Charles, such as "Ha! ha!" and "Ho!"? He trusted not,he believed not; but if, indeed, such a thing could be possible, hetrusted that Oliver Cromwell, if he could by special Providence be nowactually alive, would verily with laughter say, "Ha! ha!" and even "Ho!ho!" to the ridiculous statements they had heard that day. In face ofthe many indignities offered to them he was thankful to note, since itwas admitted in evidence, that King Richard, and especially KingCharles, had kept their heads. He, the Learned Judge, again expresseda hope that no one would interpret his last remark as being facetious.Nothing was at that moment further from his thoughts. To joke in aCourt of Law, or even attempt to joke beneath the emblazoned sign ofthe Lion and Unicorn somewhere above his head, would be to mock thatnoble animal (he referred to the Lion, of course), whose other effigyin Court formed such a striking contrast to the undignified attitude ofthose who had preferred such fanciful charges against this noblystatured beast, whose presence there among them, as Counsel hadobserved, was only rendered possible by the separate removal of _five_pairs of folding doors.

  "Little imagination was required to realise that the stony stare ofthis noble animal must, Medusa-like, have become even more stony fromhorror and abhorrence at the eccentric things it could not hear,uttered concerning himself, I mean itself, that day.

  "Now, Gentlemen of the Jury, you know what I have been talking about?"

  The face of each and every Juryman a complete blank save one, whomurmurs as if in his sleep, "No! no!"

  "I therefore charge you, consider only that which is right, punishthose, if any, who should be punished, spare the simple, if any, whoshould be spared. Commend any, if there are any such, for theirintelligence in reporting a matter which they, like myself, are utterlyunable to understand. If none in this affair should be reproved, thenI charge you hereafter keep silent.

  "Learn a lesson from the statue of the Lion in Court, who has remainedsilent throughout, and whose wisdom in this respect I cannot too muchcommend, whilst heartily wishing its example could have been followedby every one in Court with the exception of myself.

  "By the many witnesses in general, but by one in particular; I refer toMr. Learned Bore. Gentlemen, you need no other words of mine to makeyou do your duty.

  "Words will never make people do their duty. Therefore, in havingspared you much, I can only feel that I have helped you little.Gentlemen of the Jury, the matter having got thoroughly into yourheads, is now in your hands. I therefore leave it there."

  Here the Learned Judge ceased speaking. The Learned Judge havingrefreshed himself after this amazing forensic effort with a draughtfrom the glass of water beside him, which, during the proceedings, hadbecome lukewarm, gathered his robes about him and hopped through thefolding doors at the back of him, into his private room.

  The Jury, looking like men suddenly out of work, repaired in a body totheir room, and once again the overcrowded and overheated Court gaveitself over to the buzz and hum of conversation, freely interspersedwith endless speculations as to what sort of verdict could possibly bereturned in such an amazing case.

  The Right Worshipful warmly thanked his Counsel, Mr. Gentle Gammon, forthe brilliant efforts that gentleman had made upon his behalf, whilstMr. Dreadful, K.C., glared unspeakable things in the direction of thePlaintiff and Plaintiff's Counsel alternately, for the entire case hadfilled Mr. Dreadful, K.C., with feelings of revolt.

  Juniors not engaged on the case made whispered and sporting bets amongthemselves as to who would get the verdict. The amber lightilluminating the Court continued to gleam upon the Pleasant-Faced Lion,unquestionably the most reposeful thing inside the building, althoughthe primary cause of all the disturbance.

  "Of course," observed Ridgwell to the Writer, "we shall know now whohas won the game."

  The Writer agreed.

  "Will the old gentleman in the red robe call out the forfeits then?"

  "Rather," replied the Writer, "and I fancy, myself, the heaviestforfeit will be the one which includes bringing Lal into Court; it musthave really cost a very considerable sum. Hullo, they are all comingback," broke off the Writer, "all the Jury, looking as if they havelost their way, which I believe, myself, they have, during the entirecase. There, they are summoning his Lordship. Now for it."

  Upon his Lordship resuming his seat, the foreman of the Jury deliveredhimself thus, upon behalf of himself and his other eleven brethren.

  "The Jury had all tasted and partaken of the Creme-de-Menthe" (bottleproduced and the contents seen to be very considerably diminished),"and they found that the Right Worshipful the Lord Mayor of Londoncould not have been suffering from any form of intoxication in theordinary acceptance of the word, but that the Lord Mayor might havebeen temporarily intoxicated with a sense of his own greatness. Thatthe noble Statue of the British Lion was regarded by the Lord Mayormerely as a symbol of the whole British Empire, and was emblematical ofhis own power under that Empire. Consequently no blame whatever couldbe attached to him.

  "They further found that Mr. Learned Bore had forthwith unquestionablyuttered a libel against the Lord Mayor which might have been a grosslibel, had it not been merely a stupid assertion published in anewspaper, and not therefore to be taken seriously.

  "They found that Mr. Learned Bore's evidence was flippant, and leftmuch to be desired; they wished accordingly to severely censure thatgentleman.

  "Damages, therefore, in the case, although slight, would be given tohis Worship the Lord Mayor, together with all costs of the action.

  "With regard to the Writer and Poet, they, the Jury, wished to severelycondemn all the works he had written, or _partly_ written, since he hadproduced, or partly composed, one wholly seditious ballad, attemptingto make fun of the Laws of England, whereupon they expressed an earnesthope that all his works might in future be banned."

  His Lordship, after partaking of a final sip of the lukewarm waterstill beside him, then delivered his verdict.

  "His Lordship entirely agreed that the Lord Mayor of London had beenquite blameless throughout this case, the Lord Mayor's devotion to theBritish Lion as a symbol, was the most touching feature in the case; hewould therefore have damages against Mr. Learned Bore, and Mr. LearnedBore would have to bear the entire costs of the Action.

  "The damages in this Case would not be the unsatisfactory damagessometimes assessed at one farthing, nor would they be one shilling, oreven half-a-crown. The damages he, the Learned Judge, awarded would bea sum sufficient to purchase a bottle of Creme-de-Menthe, and that ofthe very best (sensation in Court), to be given to his Worshipful theLord Mayor in order to show that the fluid which had figured soconspicuously in this Case, although it might do some people harm,could only do good in the case of his Worshipful the Lord Mayor, since,to use Counsel's borrowed, but apt phrase, this liquid had only made itpossible for the Lord May
or to see sermons in bronze and stone, andgood in everything; good even in the effigy of the Pleasant-Faced Lion,who had been brought into Court for the first time in its life, andwho, could it have the power of hearing, must surely approve of theverdict now given."

  The Learned Judge, having thus delivered himself, then rose, and oncemore hopped out of Court.

  The sensation throughout the entire Court was profound.

  * * * * *

  Some considerable time after the Writer had hurried Ridgwell from thescene, and had provided a quite sumptuous tea, which both of them stoodin need of, in a tea-shop in Fleet Street, they repaired upon the wayhome, and passed the statue of the Griffin.

  "Look," whispered Ridgwell, as he pulled the sleeve of the Writer'scoat to attract the Writer's attention. "Oh, look, the Griffin hasbeen weeping bitterly."

  It was, indeed, only too true. The Griffin's cup of sorrow andmortification was full. Four great indignant tears trembled upon hischeeks ready to fall. He had been compelled that day to stand andlisten to people humming his, the Griffin's, own, pet song as they leftthe Court, and the Griffin had not been able to join in it.

  The Pleasant-Faced Lion had gone into the Court and had left it intriumph, cheered by enthusiastic and interested crowds, whilst _he_,the Griffin, had remained unnoticed. The Griffin's feet were very,very cold, and his vain, foolish, excitement-loving heart had turned tostone.

  Having contemplated this sad spectacle, the Writer and Ridgwellclambered upon the outside of a bus going westward. Half-way up theStrand the road was partly blocked by a concourse of cheering people.As their bus came alongside, Ridgwell and the Writer both stood up tolook over the bus rail to see what was causing all the commotion. Itwas the Pleasant-Faced Lion being escorted back to Trafalgar Square instate upon a lorry. The crowd cheered enthusiastically upon viewingthe unusual sight.

  As the Writer and Ridgwell gazed at their old friend, thePleasant-Faced Lion slowly, solemnly, and deliberately winked his righteye, which was nearest to them.

  * * * * *

  The Father and Mother of Ridgwell and Christine, upon returning from amost enjoyable holiday upon the Continent, could not avoid seeing thelarge headlines of the evening papers pasted everywhere upon thestation boards at Charing Cross.

  The headlines were varied; some of them read, "Comic Opera Scene inCourt." "Amusing Case before Mr. Justice Chatty." "Ridgwell Makes allLondon Laugh."

  "Very uncommon name," observed the Father of Ridgwell, as he boughtsome papers. Later on, in the railway carriage upon the way home, theFather of Ridgwell first read his paper, and then promptly wiped hiseyeglasses, to assure himself that he was not dreaming.

  "Good gracious!" exclaimed that worthy but astonished gentleman, "why,it's _our_ Ridgwell!"

  "What is our Ridgwell?" inquired the Mother of that hopeful.

  "Our Ridgwell has been into Court, before a Judge," faltered hisperplexed Father; "has sung a song, which seems to have been a greatsuccess. Positively gave evidence that one of the lions in TrafalgarSquare was alive, and a great friend of his, and that the animal hasoccasionally given him a free ride home on his back to Balham; did youever hear of such a thing?"

  The Mother of Ridgwell hastily perused the papers recording thesestrange statements, whilst the Father of Ridgwell leaned back in therailway carriage, endeavouring to recover his breath, and collect hisstartled faculties both together.

  The Mother of Ridgwell read the part describing her offspring'sperformance to the end, and then observed--

  "Did you see, Father, that Ridgwell declares he possessed a high Orderof Imagination, and then lost it?"

  The Father of Ridgwell groaned.

  "Lost it? Good gracious me, what nonsense, my dear; I should thinkmyself he has just found it. I'll talk to that Writer, when I see him;he really oughtn't to be allowed about at large, any more than thePleasant-Faced Lion. I consider the whole history of this animal mostincredible."