His Daughter...Their Child

by Karen Rose Smith

  “I don’t think I’m quite as fine as you. How long has this been going on?”

  “That’s none of your business,” Clay said. “You wanted out free and clear so out you are.”

  Celeste wasn’t sure but she thought she saw sadness—and regret—flicker in Zoie’s eyes. As Clay and Zoie stared at each other, suddenly Celeste didn’t know exactly where she did fit in.

  Now also on her feet, she approached Zoie. “I came to Miners Bluff for the reunion,” she explained, then amended, “Not just for the reunion. I intended to get to know Abby. She’s my daughter, too.”

  For a change, Zoie seemed at a loss for words, as if she’d never expected Celeste to step into the void that she’d created. Then the regret on her face faded, and a defensive wall took its place. She tucked her hands into the pockets of her designer sweater and looked Clay straight in the eye. “You know, don’t you, Celeste probably wants to be involved with you simply to become a mother to Abby.”

  Celeste felt Zoie’s words lance her heart. This was her sister, the person she’d been closer to than any other for the first twenty years of their lives. She didn’t understand Zoie anymore. How could she be so resentful when she hadn’t wanted a life with Clay and Abby, when she’d walked away from everything? But even worse than the loss of that closeness with her twin was the expression on Clay’s face and the doubts she suddenly saw in his eyes. He couldn’t believe what Zoie had said was true, could he? How could he after the day they’d just spent together? After last night? Oh, my God, she thought. He really doesn’t trust me. He really doesn’t know me. He thinks I would deceive him to get to Abby.

  Celeste felt sick to her stomach, a little dizzy even. She wanted to sink back onto the couch, yet she knew she had to stand tall and proud. She had to stand up for herself in a way she never had before, either to her sister or to Clay.

  “As I said…” Zoie took a few steps back. “I’ll get a motel room. As soon as I can arrange it, I’ll pick up my settlement and be gone.”

  Clay’s tone was even and controlled when he said, “I could have wired it to you.”

  “You could have, but I was constantly traveling.”

  Taking a few steps toward her sister, feeling sorry for her, hurting for her, wishing she knew what she could do for her, Celeste offered, “Abby’s sleeping if you want to take a peek.”

  But Zoie was already shaking her head. “No.” She looked at Clay. “I guess we’ll have to figure out what we’re going to tell her. Or have you already made up a story?”

  “I won’t make up a story,” he said evenly. “I’ll tell her some kind of version of the truth that she can understand.”

  Zoie once again looked from Clay to Celeste and then at the monitor on the side table. “We can talk tomorrow. I should have called before I came. I just never imagined… I didn’t realize—”

  “What?” Clay asked, when she didn’t go on.

  “That my coming back could mess up everybody’s lives.”

  “Your leaving did that,” he said bitterly, but Zoie didn’t even flinch. She just turned around and left again.

  The silence that filled the room after the closing of the front door was heavy and stunning. Celeste felt as if she’d been swirled around and turned upside down. And when she looked at Clay, she knew she had to confront those doubts in his eyes.

  “That was unexpected,” Celeste said, to start somewhere.

  “Zoie always does the unexpected. It was fun for a while, when we had no responsibilities, when we were kids instead of adults.”

  “I’m not talking about Zoie.” Celeste’s head was buzzing with her thoughts, confusion and the conclusion she’d arrived at in only a few minutes.

  “Excuse me?”

  “What did you think, Clay, when Zoie suggested I just want to be involved with you to be a mother to Abby?”

  He remained silent.

  “That’s what was unexpected. After last night, after today, I never thought you’d doubt me.”

  “Wouldn’t you if you were in my shoes?”

  She tried to look at their situation from his perspective. She really did. But one fact kept her from being able to do that. “I can’t put myself in your shoes, Clay, because there’s one very big difference between us. I fell in love with you.”

  The look on his face was total disbelief.

  “I see you don’t believe that, either. I had a crush on you in high school. I hid it well, though I think Zoie knew about it. You only saw me as a fellow classmate back then, as maybe a friend. You liked girls who were flashier, who had more style. When you started dating Zoie, I knew I didn’t have a chance, so I disappeared into the background.”

  Clay looked as if he were trying to absorb what she was saying but was having a difficult time of it.

  “You and Zoie got engaged and married. I found my own life and I thought I was happy. But then Zoie was in that accident and seemed devastated, though I didn’t know exactly why at the time. I didn’t know about the affair. So when she asked me to become her surrogate, I thought she wanted a family as much as I did. I knew I’d be helping you become a father as well as her become a mother. I knew you’d be a terrific dad.”

  “How could you possibly know that?” His voice was low…slow, as if he was trying to work through what she was telling him.

  “It was easy to see,” she responded, remembering. “When brothers or sisters of our friends came around, you were great with them. When our English class mentored third graders and you read to them, I saw how you cared about children. It’s one of the reasons I became a surrogate for you. I thought I was giving you a gift. I never imagined giving up Abby would be so difficult. I kept telling myself I had no rights. I had made a promise and I would keep it. Until Zoie sent me that email telling me about the affair, how unhappy she’d been for a long time, that she wasn’t living the life she wanted.”

  Clay shook his head. “I didn’t realize how selfish she was. Not until the affair. Maybe even not until after we had Abby and she couldn’t seem to bond with her.”

  “Right. You couldn’t see how selfish she was, and you believe I’m the same. You believe I would do anything to get what I want, including sleep with you.”

  “Celeste.” The sound of her name was filled with his frustration and his turmoil. “I’m not Zoie, Clay. I could never pretend something I don’t feel. But you think I could. You think I could give my body to you, give my heart to you, in order to become Abby’s mother. You don’t know me, Clay. You don’t know me any more than you really knew Zoie when you married her.”

  Celeste couldn’t stay here with him. She couldn’t get her thoughts straight. She couldn’t figure out what she should do next while she was in his presence. All she could remember was the doubt in his eyes and his consideration that she could have deceived him. She loved him, but she couldn’t convince him of anything. After what Zoie had done, he might never trust a woman again. She couldn’t stand to see the questions in his eyes. She couldn’t stand the thought that he’d believe that she was with him only because of Abby.

  “I’m going back to Mikala’s. We’ll sort out my time with Abby in a few days.”

  “You can stay tonight.”

  She knew he meant in the guest bedroom. “No, I can’t. That would hurt too much.”

  She picked up her purse and duffel bag that she’d dropped just inside the great room when Abby had come running to greet her earlier. How could everything change so drastically in a matter of a few hours?

  When she picked up her things and walked toward the door, Clay didn’t call her name. He didn’t come after her. He didn’t stop her. So she left, too, not letting the tears run down her cheeks until she was sitting in her car, backing out of Clay’s driveway, heading toward the Purple Pansy.

  She loved Clay Sullivan, but he didn’t return that love. She’d made a mistake giving him her heart. Now she had to reclaim it and get on with her life.

  The temperature had dropped into th
e forties last night. Still, at seven in the morning Celeste was having coffee with Mikala in the garden at the Purple Pansy when they heard footsteps on the flagstone path around the corner.

  “Maybe Clay?” Mikala asked, giving Celeste hope.

  “Not heavy enough,” she answered, looking down at the phone book where she’d circled the number of the police department. She was going to call Noah to check about his grandmother’s vacant apartment.

  Mikala and Anna had told her she could stay here as long as she wanted. But Celeste wanted a place of her own where Abby could feel at home. She was really trying not to think of Clay. Every once in a while, she had to blink fast as tears came to her eyes. This time the dream was smashed permanently, and that was a pain that went so deep she couldn’t find the bottom of it.

  A few moments later their visitor walked around the corner of the bed-and-breakfast, down the purple-and-yellow chrysanthemum-lined path to the small patio.

  It was Zoie.

  “A little cool for coffee out here, isn’t it?” she asked, rubbing her hands.

  Not even a greeting, Celeste thought. That was so typical of Zoie. “I needed my mind cleared and numbed,” Celeste returned.

  Zoie looked surprised at the frank comment coming from her twin, who was usually low-key and caring.

  Mikala stood, motioning her to the high-backed rocker she’d just vacated. “It’s good to see you again, Zoie. Here, have a seat. I have to help Anna.”

  “Good to see you, too, Mikala.”

  Mikala’s glance at Celeste was kind and encouraging. Although this wasn’t what she’d planned for this morning, Celeste knew she couldn’t avoid this confrontation with Zoie. Not for her own sake, but for Abby’s. On the other hand, she wanted to feel the bond again that she’d once known with her sister. Maybe there was a way to make that happen.

  She assessed Zoie’s impeccably tailored pants under her long sweater. “Did you bring any practical clothes along?”

  Zoie’s brow lifted. “What do you mean by practical?”

  “Hiking clothes.”

  “No, of course not. Why would I need those?”

  “Because I want you to climb Moonshadow Mountain with me.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Are you going to tell my why you’re dragging me up here?” Zoie asked as the sun streamed down on her perfectly styled blond hair.

  They had climbed the trail mostly in silence, both of them lost in their thoughts. Celeste hoped that would change once they reached Starfall Point, which wasn’t far in front of them now.

  “I brought you for the experience.”

  “I had enough of this when I was a kid and there was nothing else to do.”

  “I can remember a time when you thought it was fun to climb up here.”

  That seemed to throw Zoie back into silence until they’d climbed another half hour and reached the lookout.

  Zoie didn’t hesitate to follow Celeste to the guardrail where they stood side by side, looking down over the valley and Miners Bluff where they’d come to dream of a different life. “What are you trying to do, Celeste? Resurrect old memories?”

  “Maybe. Or maybe old feelings. Between us anyway.”

  The wind blew past them, sending loose brush flying.

  Celeste turned to Zoie, “Why did you come back?”

  “You know why. The rest of the money.”

  “We’re living in the computer age, Zoie. Money can be wired at the click of a key, even to Cannes. Why did you come back?”

  Zoie’s green eyes were troubled, her expression conflicted.

  Celeste waited until finally she warned, “I want the truth.”

  “I’ve always told you the truth.”

  “You didn’t tell me about your affair when it happened.”

  “No,” Zoie admitted. “But after the accident, I told you Clay and I were in counseling.”

  “I thought that was about the hysterectomy and not being able to have kids.”

  “It was.” She put her hands on the guardrail and squeezed tight, looking down on the town. “I was ashamed. Clay knew what I’d done and I had to live with that. I didn’t want you looking at me the way he did.”

  “Clay had every right to be angry and hurt. What did you expect?”

  “I didn’t think, all right? I met Thad and there was a spark there. Clay and I were growing apart. Marriage wasn’t what I expected it to be and I was trapped.”

  “But you did love Clay once, didn’t you?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, sis. I was seventeen when I fell ‘in love.’” She made quote marks in the air. “What did I know? Being his girlfriend made me feel secure. You and I never had any security. Then when Mom died, I hung on to him. Marriage seemed the perfect solution for the life I wanted.”

  “You knew Clay loved nature and animals and exploring.”

  “I thought he’d grow out of it. He was getting a business degree along with his degree in environmental sciences. I thought guiding was a hobby, not what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.”

  “Didn’t you talk about it?”

  “We were newlyweds. I don’t know. I guess I just never expected him to go against his dad. He graduated, he went to work for his dad and then he decided that wasn’t what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. It was like he married me under false pretenses.”

  “Zoie.”

  “All right. So maybe he thought he was getting a home maker and a woman who wanted to be pregnant every two years when he married me. But I figured out that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t meet Thad until four years after we married. And then, I guess, I just wanted to be reckless.”

  “And after the accident?”

  Zoie let out a heavy sigh that fell over the cliff. “I could have been killed. I was driving too fast, going to meet Thad, and I wasn’t even sure why. He didn’t love me. I didn’t really love him. I was rebelling against a life I didn’t want. After the accident, Clay said we could try and work out what was wrong with our marriage if we went to counseling. I intended to make it work! I did. I knew what Clay wanted to hear. What the counselor wanted to hear. We had some really close moments. I thought if we had a baby, that would help, too. But after you gave us Abby, I realized I didn’t want responsibility for that tiny little life twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! Not even with Clay’s help. That just wasn’t me.”

  More than anyone, Celeste understood that Zoie was still trying to find herself. “So why did you come back? Because of Clay? Is there still something there?”

  “Gosh, no. That’s long over.”

  “Abby?”

  “I haven’t seen her for a year. She probably doesn’t even remember me.” Zoie’s voice was wistful and regretful.

  “You’re her mom.”

  “So are you. And I think you’re probably much better at it than I would ever be.”

  “What do you want, Zoie?”

  “I don’t know. I’d like to see her now and then. I’d like to know how she’s doing. But I don’t want to mess her up. I don’t even know if Clay will let me see her.”

  “Clay will do what’s best for Abby.”

  “You will, too,” Zoie said with certainty, because they did know each other. They were twins. “Can I be Abby’s aunt? Can’t we just switch places? That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

  Celeste knew what she wanted. But what she wanted and what she could have were two different things.

  “You and Clay seem to fit.”

  “He doesn’t trust me.”

  “Because of me. But you’re not me. He will trust you in time. It looked as if you had some pizzazz between you.”

  Oh, they had pizzazz. Was this a matter of staying and committing herself to Clay and Abby so that eventually he’d realize what she was made of?

  Zoie suddenly turned to Celeste and said, “I’ve made a mess of my life. I know that. But I really don’t want to make a mess of Abby’s. I think you could be the mom she needs. I
might not want to take care of her, but I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to lose you. I’ll go to Clay, and I’ll tell him I was wrong about what I said. You would never pretend to be into him just to have Abby. I don’t know where you got it, but you have integrity.”

  That was a high compliment coming from Zoie.

  “Can you forgive me for what I said to him?” Zoie asked.

  Celeste knew Zoie’s words had just brought doubts to the surface that Clay had been having all along. They would have had to deal with them at some point. She didn’t know if he would deal with them now…if he would ever believe she loved him…as well as Abby.

  Thinking about the childhood she and Zoie had shared, the love that used to be so easy between them, the twin bond that tied them together for a lifetime, she said, “Yes, I forgive you.”

  That night Abby had another bad dream. When she called “Daddy” with tears in her voice, Clay ran into her bedroom, took her in his arms and asked, “What’s wrong, ladybug?”

  “Where’s C’leste? I want C’leste.”

  He wanted her, too. So many thoughts and conflicted feelings swarmed in his head that he wasn’t sure what to think. But he did know one thing. “I’m sure she’s thinking about you right now. I’ll call her and see if she can come for a visit. Okay?”

  Abby nodded and burrowed into his shoulder. He held her until she fell asleep, and then he gently laid her in her bed beside the cat Celeste had brought her and brushed his hand over her forehead, wishing her wonderful dreams.

  For the past twenty-four hours he hadn’t done much except care for Abby and consider things Celeste had said since she’d been back in Miners Bluff. Things like—Were you away as much as you were for the business you were building or because you were trying to escape something in your marriage?

  Someday Abby will have to know the truth.

  When I make a commitment, I keep it. I fell in love with you.

  I fell in love with you.

  Clay had gone to the kitchen and was making a pot of coffee—he wasn’t going to sleep tonight anyway—when his doorbell rang.