Kade

by Knox, Elizabeth

  I’ve just come back from going into town and checking on shit. We’re still doing shifts, driving around to see if we spot any of the remaining Bears or Grizzly, for that matter. We haven’t heard a peep out of anyone since we took Connor. It’s like the ruckus they were making disappeared into thin air. Just makes me think they went back into their den and are thinking about fucking some shit up. That doesn’t sit well with me, but these guys have never really been too smart when it comes to us. The Reapers always win. You’d think that would finally click by now.

  I stopped in at the store in town and picked up some snacks and other shit the brothers may like. We needed meat too, and I mean something other than deli meat. I don’t mind a ham sandwich every now and again but I don’t want it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Chicken’s been on sale this week, so I picked up quite a few pounds. We really need to get some deals going with some local farmers. If we bought entire cows, we’d save so much money.

  “Are you avoiding me?” Her voice is music to my ears and a stab to the heart at the exact same time. I love this woman so damn much and it’s killing me to not tell her what I know, but I have to talk to my dad first.

  I grab the plastic bags from the back seat of my truck and turn toward her. “I don’t think avoiding is the word, babe. Just been getting some shit done for the club.”

  Ivy pops a hip and glares at me. “I’m calling you out. That’s bullshit and we both know it. You’ve barely said two words to me in the last day when we’re barely able to be separated. So, what the fuck happened? You haven’t even told me, but everyone is acting a bit different and it’s making me feel weird.”

  Fuck. I’ve been going about this the wrong way. I set the bags down in the snow, not giving a fuck if the cardboard boxes get wet. The snacks are in bags inside of it anyway. They’ll be fine. “I’m sorry. Shit went down with your brother and he said some shit that none of us were expecting. I’m just trying to process it all before I unleash it on you, babe.”

  The confusion spreads across her face. “Alright . . . so something bad happened. That’s what I’m gathering from what you’ve just said to me. If you have to process it, it couldn’t have been good. It must be worse than you expected.”

  I nod, “Yeah, you have that right.”

  She opens her mouth for a second, acting like she’s going to speak but nothing comes out. Her eyes fill with water as she stares at me, not understanding. “You treating me like this has made me feel disgusting like you finally saw me as this dirty thing your father doesn’t want around you. Kade, for the love of God just tell me what’s going on. You’re making my anxiety flare up and when you don’t tell me what’s going on, I just worry all the time. Every doubt and fear that has ever been inside me wakes up from the shadows and plagues me with awful thoughts. I can’t stand it, so please just tell me what’s going on. Do you want to break up with me?”

  The reality of how bad I’ve fucked up hits me hard right now. I wrap my arms around Ivy and pull her into my embrace, planting my lips right next to her ear. “There’s only ever been one thing I’ve wanted in my life— you. The thought of not having you stand beside me would make life a living hell for me, Ivy. I’m sorry I haven’t said much over the past couple days. I really just have been processing. Honestly, I’ve been wanting to speak to my dad before I talk to you . . . ‘cause Connor said some pretty insane shit and . . .”

  “And?” Ivy pulls away from me, meeting my eyes with her own.

  I don’t know how to tell her this other than to just be blunt as fuck. “Connor is dead, Ivy, but my Dad is the one who shot him, not me.”

  Her irises expand. “What? Why would your dad shoot Connor?”

  “I think he got heated after hearing everything that Connor said about your family, and what they did to . . .” I grow quiet, simply looking at her. I don’t want to have to say this, but I will. “What they did to you.”

  “This doesn’t make any sense. Can you stop speaking in riddles and just tell me what the fuck happened? Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

  “Of course I do,” I grumble, taking in a deep breath, trying to find the courage to just tell her exactly what I know. “There’s just no easy way to tell you any of this, babe. It’s not easy. It’s fuckin’ hard. Nothing about this shit is simple. Connor was your fuckin’ family. The man who should’ve been protecting you did the opposite, he hurt you in ways that a brother never should have. He said so much shit, babe, so much fuckin’ shit.”

  “Okay, well keep talking. You’re just making me want to throw up.”

  The wind blows a strong gust in our direction and it’s fuckin’ cold as balls out here, but I keep talking. “You’re not Grizzly’s daughter. Connor said they’ve known for quite a while. Somethin’ about you being in an accident and needing a blood transfusion. Grizzly wasn’t a match and that was the first indicator that you weren’t his.”

  “Whoa . . . an accident?” Ivy mumbles lowly, putting the palm of her hand over her mouth. “Fuck, I was just a small kid. He’s known for this long?” she asks, pulling her hand away.

  “It sure looks that way.”

  “So . . . did they say anything about who my father might be?”

  “Machk came in and Connor knew him instantly. He insinuated he was your father.”

  “O-okay. . .” she whispers lowly.

  “Ivy . . .” I know I have to tell her this which will be harder than telling her that she was gang raped. “Connor confessed to killing your mother.”

  “Wha—?” She chokes out before she drops to the ground. Wrapping her hands around herself, she cries and I kneel down to her, pulling her face against my chest.

  “Why? Why would he do that? What did she e-ever do to him?” Ivy’s questions are warranted, however, I sadly can’t answer them. Connor was a vile man, even worse than her father. It just makes me think that growing up with a man like Grizzly as a father will fuck with you in ways that others don’t. The Bears MC has no boundaries and neither did Connor. Killing his own mother wasn’t even off limits, and I doubt anything else ever was.

  “I doubt she did anything, sweetheart. Connor was fucked up in the head.”

  “He’s a monster,” she corrects me, peering up with tear filled eyes. “What happened, really?”

  “The quick rundown is that he confessed to all the shit he did, and I think each bit of it slowly ate at my father. My theory is that with everything Connor said, it made Dad feel even worse for the way he’s been treating you all these weeks. He finally blew and shot Connor in the stomach a few times after his last admission of guilt. I’ve never seen my dad go cold like that, Ivy. He shot him three times in the stomach and told us to let him bleed out, that he deserved to suffer and to burn his body.”

  “Your dad always thought I was the enemy. Why would Connor’s words make him feel any different? What could Connor possibly say that would make me look like the victim in this scenario after your dad had his mind made up for so long?”

  My heart beats heavy in my chest as I try to find the right words, so I grab her hand and stand up, tugging her with me. “Let’s get in the truck at least so we’re not so frigid.”

  Ivy gets in the truck with me, sits on the passenger seat and stares. She must know I have more shit to tell her, but little does she know this will be the hardest for me to say. The mere thought of what happened to her makes me want to throw up. “Connor said that after you became unconscious that night . . . the Bears had their way with you. He asked me if you got your period, or if there was a baby bear growing inside of you.”

  I’m quiet as I see her read between the lines. I can’t even say the word rape or be blunt and tell her what happened. It makes me feel too sick.

  “I’m going to be sick.” No sooner than she speaks, the door to the truck flies open and the sounds of her hurling fill the air. I grab her hair from behind her and hold it as she empties herself. “I found out a couple of days ago and didn’t say anything to you yet bec
ause I didn’t think we were at that point in our relationship and with everything else going on, I didn’t think it was the right time. I had no idea that . . . oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening to me right now. I can’t believe any of this!” Ivy cries, covering her face with her hands.

  “We’ll figure this out,” I tell her, placing my hand on the back of her shoulder. “You and I have this, whatever we’re facing. You never have to do it alone.”

  “I can’t have this baby, Kade. I can’t do this. If it was your baby I could, but I can’t. I can’t bring a baby that was created by violating me in this world. No, I . . . I can’t.”

  I turn her body around to face mine. “Ivy, I’m not going to make you. This is your choice. I would never command you to do something such as that.”

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Kade. I’ve never had to do this before.”

  “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out, together.”

  16

  She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.

  ~J, Iron Word

  Kade

  “I thought you’d come to speak to me earlier today,” my dad says as I walk through the front door of my childhood home.

  “I had planned on it, but Ivy caught up with me and I went over everything that happened.”

  I look at my father who for the first time since he’s known Ivy, looks nothing but concerned. “How did she take all of it?”

  “As best she could, I suppose.” I’m not quite sure what to say. Ivy didn’t take any of it well, and honestly, she took the death of her mother better than the reality we’re facing right now. She’s pregnant with a child that can’t be mine and has made the decision to terminate. I want to tell her that I’d raise that child with her, and love it, if she wanted to keep it. But I know her, and I know the disgusting feelings that are washing over her body. She has been very adamant about terminating the pregnancy since she found out it wasn’t mine, and I won’t be the man who tells her she can’t make this decision. It’s her body, her right, and most of all, her choice.

  “You look worried. What’s the matter, son?”

  Out of respect for my relationship, I can’t tell him what’s wrong. I can’t break her trust like that and I won’t, ever. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Just like that, he puts the pieces together. “Is she going to abort?”

  I close my eyes and take in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. None of this shit is easy. I wish I could make it all disappear for her or go back in time and make her move in with me. That way, she wouldn’t have ever been in this damn situation in the first place. She would’ve been protected and no one would’ve gotten their hands on her.

  Unable to muster up the courage to say a word, I nod my head.

  “Fuck, I’m sorry, Kade. How did she handle the other news?”

  I take a few steps over the old, wood floor and pull out a chair at the kitchen table, sitting a couple of feet away from my dad. “As best she could.”

  He chuckles lightly, “You’re really enjoying using that phrase.”

  “I’m not sure how else to put it. Within one night, her entire life went from hell to level ten of Tartarus. She thought she knew some things but then the gates of hell were opened and unleashed on her. I don’t know how she’s really doing. I can only see how she is on the surface, and I’m worried.”

  “Yeah, she’s been through the wringer.” I thought my dad was going to continue speaking but he doesn’t, he stops and takes a good hard look at me.

  “You’re freaking me out. What the fuck is going on? Be careful how you respond, I can’t take much more shit right now.”

  He runs his hand through his white, silvery hair and sighs. “I feel like the world’s biggest asshole for not believing you. I should’ve trusted that you were a good judge of character and instead of doing that, I pushed you away even more. My actions and the way I was treating Ivy forced you to want to distance yourself from not only myself but the Montana charter of the club and that’s what I don’t ever want to happen.”

  “I hope you know that my feelings weren’t anything personal. I was only worried because of what I’ve seen other MC princesses do before her. I had no idea of knowing if she had something up her sleeve or not, and since she did a damn good job at avoiding me, it rubbed me the wrong way. Now, I see the error in my ways and how everything you said was the truth. It took me too long to realize that. Fuck, it took me hearing it from her asshole of a brother’s mouth to even believe what was in front of me the entire time.”

  “I’ve been waiting a long time to hear you apologize for this shit,” I reply. He doesn’t just have to apologize to me though. He needs to go to Ivy and speak his peace to her as well.

  “Yeah, and you know how often I’m wrong, which is never.” He cackles, offering me a half smile before growing serious yet again. “I’ll speak to Ivy soon but I don’t want to do it too soon. She needs time to process all the shit that’s going through her head, and I doubt it’s easy for her right now. She doesn’t need me adding my bullshit to the whirlwind of emotions she’s experiencing. Did you tell her everything?”

  “Yep, every single thing we found out she knows.”

  “I’m glad I brought Machk out here. I had a gut feeling and you know what they say, gut feelings are never wrong.”

  I stand up from my seat and walk a few feet into the kitchen, grab a glass from the cabinet, and get some water from the fridge. After I take a sip, I say, “I’m curious to know what your thought process is when it comes to Machk.”

  He turns in his seat to face me. “Things never added up, not in my eyes at least. I remember Cora and Machk fuckin’ around when they were kids. Bet you never knew Ivy isn’t the first kid they had together.”

  “Whoa, what?” I shout, lookin’ at my pops like he’s lost his damn mind.

  “Machk got Cora pregnant when she was seventeen. She put the baby up for adoption, and then a few years later, fell into shit with Grizzly, fast forward a few more years and that must’ve been when Machk and Cora reconnected.”

  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this shit before?”

  “’ Cause I didn’t know he was actually her father. It was a theory.”

  “Machk sure acted like he and Cora were never really that close. When I spoke to him, he confessed about something happenin’ twenty-somethin’ years ago, but never said a word about anything before then.”

  “Probably because of his fuckin’ accident,” Dad laughs, cackling on for a couple of minutes. Machk’s accident has been the joke for years and my bet is it will continue to be for many more. “Cora should’ve taken that child to Machk after she was born. Her staying with Grizzly was the dumbest thing she could’ve ever done. Look at the misery they both endured. Fuckin’ dumb.”

  “Yeah, you’re right about that.” I can’t help but agree with him. If Cora had left, their life would’ve probably been a hell of a lot different. “How’d you know they had a kid back then?”

  “Shit, you think I wasn’t paying attention? Those two were the talk of the town, havin’ a kid before they were married. Back in the old ages, that was some pretty good gossip. Before you ask, yeah, I’ve kept my tabs on the kid. His name’s Austin and he grew up a few towns over and his parents do really well for themselves.”

  “Fuck. Just seems like I have more shit to tell Ivy now.”

  “No, don’t tell her until you two deal with the termination. The shit with Machk and Austin can wait. Shit, not just Austin. She’ll have adoptive-brothers and sisters too.”

  “Jesus, I forgot Machk adopted kids. She could be part of an entirely different culture that she never knew about.”

  “Could? Are you having doubts that he’s her father?”

  Of course, I’m having doubts. It’s not like there’s been a DNA test. “Until they’re tested, none of us will know for sure.”

  “You’re right. I’ll have a chat with Machk and see if
he’s willing to do it. After what happened, I don’t think he’ll say no. Just get me a strand of hair from her brush and we’ll do it in private.”

  Fuck, I don’t know if that’s a good idea to keep this from her. “Should I really be keeping shit from her right now?” I ask, knowing too well it’s going to get me in a load of shit when she finds out.

  “You’re not lying to her. It’s not like you’re going to keep it from her. She’ll probably thank you after it’s all said and done.” Somehow, I highly doubt that.

  “I gotta get going. Nice talk,” I say. Setting the glass of water in the sink, I head out the door and walk down to the clubhouse. It’s about time I checked in and see how my girl is doing.

  17

  Staying quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say. It means I don’t think you’re ready to hear my thoughts.

  Quotes ‘Nd Notes

  Ivy

  I didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night as I waited for this moment. I just had to make it until ten in the morning, until I was face to face with the OBGYN I’ve known most of my life. We never ventured into Billings, Montana for anything after the territory lines were drawn but my mother felt it was important for me to have the best doctor, and she was right. Dr. Winter is the best OBGYN around and if you ask anyone else, they’ll tell you the same thing.

  Sitting on the padded chair, I stare at the light blue walls that have diagrams of babies inside uteruses, showing how the baby stays nestled along the cervix before it’s ready to make its grand debut. I didn’t tell Kade about my appointment this morning because this is something I feel that I have to do alone.

  We were both faced with the dark reality of what happened to me. I feel dumb for being so naïve, thinking that something bad like this didn’t happen. But it did, and now I have to deal with the consequences.