The Limelight

by Louisa Keller

  Two assholes all grown up and wreaking havoc across the nation.

  I hadn’t bothered mentioning it to anyone, but I was starting to get nervous. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was intimidating me—the long period of time away from home, the huge audiences, the constant performances, the lack of privacy, the forced proximity to the band—but my nerves were profound and unavoidable. And goddamn obnoxious.

  It took me by surprise, finding myself sitting there stewing in anxiety. I didn’t tend toward nerves, and I had played hundreds of shows at small venues throughout Maine and California. I was born to be a motherfucking rock god. I had expected to be right in my element during this tour, but there I was, wracked with uncertainty and fear.

  The previous night, standing in the wings of the stage at Venus Hall, a violent chill of dread had washed over me. Panicked and utterly unable to escape, I had frozen to the spot, succumbing temporarily to the despair. Beside me, Cooper had been rattling off last-minute instructions, Dalton had been asking questions, Eddie had been nodding along, the picture of calm and collected. And I had shattered into a million tiny pieces of myself. Then, without a moment to pull myself together, I had been instructed to walk onstage.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck, I had thought.

  But the minute I was standing behind the mic, everything had slotted back into place. Suddenly—magically—I was in my element again. I knew how to work a stage, and I did it well. After all, I was Levi goddamn Montgomery. I had been born to perform.

  But that moment from before…I didn’t let myself think about it until the show was over. On the bus, though, I allowed my thoughts to drift back there. The memory was tender, like a bruise that I was prodding just by thinking about it. I pressed against it mercilessly, watching it bloom across my metaphorical skin…or whatever.

  I watched Maine melt into New Hampshire, and read the signs for each exit: Kennebunkport, Ogunquit, York, Portsmouth, Manchester, Concord. My mind drifted lazily as we approached our destination.

  5

  Porter

  Concord, NH

  I had quite a bit of freedom. I hadn’t really known what to expect, but Cooper told me that I was more-or-less free to do whatever I wanted as long as I was present, sober, and relatively well-rested when I needed to drive. That meant that I could take naps, explore the town, go out to eat…but I could also hang out with the band. And while I had my trepidations about encroaching on their time together, everyone seemed to want me around whenever I made an appearance.

  “Porter!” Dalton cried delightedly when I showed up at the hotel pool the night we arrived in Concord. She was wearing a skimpy black bikini patterned with tiny Fender guitars, and was perched atop Cooper’s shoulders in the shallow end. Eddie, who was wearing a simple red one-piece suit, waved from where she was sitting on Levi’s shoulders.

  “Are you playing Chicken?” I asked.

  “You bet your ass we are,” said Dalton, winking.

  “Isn’t that, like, dangerous?” I said, hoping that I didn’t sound like a total curmudgeon.

  Cooper rolled his eyes. “That’s what I said, but Dalton said it was either this or she was going to start doing backflips into the deep end. I figured this was the lesser of two evils.”

  I laughed. “Not to be an asshole but, uh, Eddie? You seem to be at a disadvantage.”

  Levi spluttered indignantly. “What exactly are you implying?”

  Cooper, who was easily eight inches taller than Levi, burst out laughing as well.

  “Oh man, Porter. Showing your true colors already?”

  I flushed, catching Levi’s eye. “Is it…okay? To say that kind of thing?”

  “Fuck yes, it is,” said Dalton, grinning. “I’m liking you more and more.”

  “Hey,” protested Levi as he stood on his tiptoes, trying and failing to appear taller. “I can’t help it that I’m short.”

  “Of course you can’t, babe,” said Eddie soothingly. “But that doesn’t mean you’re the, er, ideal partner for Chicken when we’re up against Goliath over there.”

  Cooper splashed Eddie, still laughing.

  “And who, pray tell, is the ideal partner for Chicken?” asked Levi, pushing Eddie unceremoniously off of his shoulders and swimming away before she could retaliate.

  “Porter might be your ideal partner,” said Dalton with a smirk.

  Levi scowled at her, but Eddie cut in, saying, “That’s actually a great idea. I need to use the bathroom anyways.”

  I was standing by the side of the pool in nothing but my swim trunks, and I shot Levi an inquisitive look. “You up for it?”

  Levi blushed—a beautiful rosy pink resting over his high cheekbones that made my heart skip a beat—and nodded. I lowered myself onto the edge of the pool, sliding in without creating a ripple, and executed a perfect breast stroke as I headed over to Levi.

  “What…are you some kind of water ninja or something?” asked Levi.

  “Nah,” I said, “but I was a lifeguard in college.”

  “And lifeguards have to enter the water stealthily?” asked Levi incredulously.

  “I mean, if someone has a spinal injury you don’t want to make it worse by cannonballing,” I told him. Then I lowered myself down so that Levi could climb onto my shoulders. “Here, get on.”

  Levi scrambled up, crossing his ankles in front of my chest and grabbing my hands for support as we rose up. Arousal, hot and urgent, threatened to wash over me. Levi’s skin against mine…it was almost too much. I willed myself not to get hard.

  “What were you saying about me being too short for Chicken?” Levi asked Dalton, grinning from his seat atop my shoulders.

  “Don’t get too cocky,” Dalton teased, “I’m about to wreck you.”

  “Ready?” asked Cooper.

  “Fuck yes,” said Levi, letting go of my hands as we charged toward Dalton and Cooper.

  Dalton threw her hands up in front of her and Levi caught them, shoving at her. She cackled delightedly, pushing back against him. Cooper and I were shuffling back and forth, trying to keep the fight in the middle of the pool.

  “Come on, Porter,” said Levi, “bring me closer.”

  I obliged, stepping forward and trying to maintain my balance as Levi leaned forward again, jostling Dalton until she nearly fell off of Cooper’s shoulders.

  “Hang in there, Coop,” she shouted, “we’ve nearly got them!”

  “Nearly got us?” sneered Levi, puffing up his chest. “That’s big talk for someone who—”

  And then he was toppling backwards off of me, reeling from Dalton’s sharp shove. I fell back as well, plunging under the water. It was always a shock, even if I was expecting to go under. A primal part of my mind told me to surface at once, but after the initial shock of it, I always found that I wished I could stay underwater for hours. There was a unique kind of peace down there, and as I got my bearings, I realized that I was facing Levi.

  His face was slightly obscured by the chlorinated water, but he was gorgeous as ever. I smiled at him, feeling a little zing of joy, and Levi smiled right back. We stayed there for a few seconds, just gazing at each other through stinging eyes, before our lungs began to complain. We surfaced at the same time, gasping for air and grinning even as we swallowed pool water.

  “Shit,” said Levi, his eyes not leaving my face. What a glorious torture, to be regarded by someone I wanted so badly in front of other people. I wanted to draw him to me, press our bodies together, take him right there in the pool.

  “Shit, indeed,” I agreed.

  Dalton and Cooper were celebrating their success, high fiving and talking over each other animatedly.

  “Want to use the sauna?” Levi murmured, too low for anyone but me to hear him.

  I felt a warm spark of…something zip through me. “I’d love to,” I replied. We hoisted ourselves out of the pool and were just toweling off as Eddie returned.

  “Aw, are you guys leaving?” she asked.

  “We’ll be b
ack in a bit,” Levi said. He led the way into the men’s locker room and pointed toward the sauna. “After you.”

  I pushed open the door and breathed in the damp, cedar-tinged air. It was like a balm for my mind and body. I savored the sensation of being enveloped in warmth as Levi closed the door behind us. They was nobody else in there, and I felt a fresh surge of arousal at the thought of having Levi all to myself in this small, safe room.

  “Do you want more steam?” Levi asked.

  I nodded, barely even registering what he was asking.

  “That would be nice.”

  I watched as Levi ladled water out of a small bucket and poured it onto hot coals. The humidity in the room intensified immediately.

  “I’m glad you came to join us,” said Levi, settling himself on the highest bench. He was still wearing his swim trunks, but I took a moment to appreciate his lithe body, his firm chest, the hint of a six-pack.

  “Yeah, I hope it wasn’t…intrusive,” I mumbled.

  Can he tell how much I want him? I wondered.

  “Oh god, no,” said Levi. “You’re going to be part of the family by the end of this, you know. We want you around.”

  I nodded, placated.

  “I’m not so sure I want you to think of me as family though,” I admitted.

  Levi grinned. “Yeah, good call. Maybe I should’ve said part of the band.”

  “I’ll take it,” I said. “Just as long as you don’t expect me to pick up an instrument. I’m practically tone deaf.”

  Levi reached out and pressed his hand over mine. A shiver broke over me.

  “I promise I won’t make you play an instrument.”

  “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all week,” I said, cracking a smile.

  “Oh yeah?” Levi raised an eyebrow. “What about that time I brought you a quesadilla and kissed you?”

  My expression softened. “That was something you did, not something you said,” I pointed out.

  “You’ve got me there,” said Levi.

  “For the record, though,” I said, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss.”

  “Same,” said Levi quietly.

  “You’re bringing out feelings I haven’t felt in…god, in years,” I admitted.

  “Yeah?” said Levi. “Was that the last time you dated someone?”

  I nodded. “My girlfriend, Becca.”

  “What happened with Becca?” Levi asked, squeezing my hand. “If you’re comfortable telling me, of course.”

  “Oh, yeah, it’s not a big deal. We dated for most of our senior year of college. She was…great. Really great. But then she got accepted into the Peace Corps and I wasn’t ready to uproot my life and head to Comoros with her, so we split up. It was on really good terms though. She still sends me post cards. She actually met a guy there and ended up staying after her time with the Peace Corps was over.”

  “God,” said Levi. “That’s got to be the least traumatic ex story I’ve heard in quite a while.”

  “Yeah,” I said, laughing. “I’m a total basket case, but I can’t blame Becca for any of that.”

  “I don’t think you’re a basket case,” said Levi seriously, leaning in to rest his head on my shoulder.

  “You’ve only known me for a couple of days,” I pointed out.

  “True,” Levi conceded.

  I slid my hand out from under Levi’s and set it on his thigh, enjoying the press of skin against skin. He shuddered and shot me a piercing look.

  “This okay?”

  “Only if you’re trying to turn me on,” said Levi.

  I inched my hand up higher. “That wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”

  “I mean, when you put it like that—hng—” Levi gasped as I slipped my hand just inside the hem of his trunks, caressing the tender skin where thigh met groin.

  He’s breathtaking like this, I mused, before saying, “Sorry, didn’t quite catch that.”

  I withdrew my hand and stared at Levi with as innocent an expression as I could conjure up. Levi rolled his eyes.

  “You’re torturing me,” he whined. “Why’d you stop?”

  I shrugged, looking at the floor. “I’ve never, uh, given a guy a handjob in a sauna before. I wasn’t sure if you’d be into—”

  “Oh, I’m into it,” Levi rushed to say.

  “Oh. Right.” I glanced at my hands and then slowly reached back toward Levi. I placed my hand right over Levi’s rapidly hardening cock, squeezing him gently through the fabric of his swim trunks.

  “Fuck,” moaned Levi. “Porter, god, don’t stop.”

  I luxuriated in his words, grinding my hand down, feeling a pulse of arousal as Levi’s cock got even harder.

  “Levi, please—”

  There was a clatter as someone began to open the sauna door, and I yanked my hand away instinctively. Levi immediately flopped over onto his stomach—effectively hiding his erection—taking a deep breath and trying to compose his face into a neutral expression. I dropped my hands into my lap, shielding my half-hard cock from view.

  A middle-aged man entered, closing the door behind him and settling on the lower bench without looking at either of us. I chanced a glance at Levi and found him wild-eyed and flushed. Our eyes locked and I raised my eyebrows trying to silently ask, What do we do now?

  Levi bit his lip and shrugged.

  I waited long enough for both of our erections to go down before saying, “We should probably go catch up with everyone else.”

  “Yeah,” said Levi, hoisting himself up and stumbling out of the sauna. As soon as the door was shut behind us, we collapsed into giggles.

  “Oh my god—”

  “That guy—”

  “Do you think he knew—”

  We grabbed fluffy white towels from a shelf by the door and headed back into the pool area. Eddie and Cooper were lounging on reclining chairs while Dalton did neat laps, each one ending in a flip turn.

  “How was the sauna?”

  We turned to each other, trying not to smile.

  “It was alright.”

  The venue in Concord was considerably smaller than the previous one had been. I smiled as I donned my backstage pass, looking up at the classic New England building. It was some kind of old brick factory that had been converted into a concert hall, and it reminded me of the repurposed buildings in the Pacific Northwest. Most of the concerts I had attended in college had been in renovated elementary schools, hotels, and industrial buildings. The echo of home made something warm and sedate settle in my chest.

  “This is really something,” I said to Eddie as we helped the crew carry the instruments toward the stage. It was an hour before the show would begin and the venue was completely empty, a shell waiting to be filled by the eagerly chattering crowd that was lined up around the block.

  “I know, right?” said Eddie with a smile. “I know that Dalton and Levi are really excited about the bigger shows, but I have a soft spot in my heart for these smaller venues.”

  “Why is that?” I asked, heaving an amp up onto the stage with a grunt.

  “I think it’s because you get to really connect with every single person in the crowd,” mused Eddie.

  “And you don’t get to do that with more people?” I asked.

  Eddie bit her lip thoughtfully. “I mean, sometimes you have a really amazing night and it comes together like that. But I think when you’re performing for thousands of people at once, you lose some of them. They’re distracted by the sheer mass of people around them, overwhelmed by the stadium feel. They pull out their phones to desperately record every minute of the show, only to realize that the sound quality on the videos are shit and they missed out on being really present. That doesn’t happen so much when it’s a more intimate setting.”

  “That makes sense,” I said. “I take it you go to a lot of shows as well as performing?”

  “Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “My mom was a Rolling Stones groupie in their heyday�
�you know, following them around when they toured, seeing every single show. She gave that up when I was born, but she took me to every show we could afford to see when I was growing up. It was everything from big names like the Stones to little local up-and-coming groups.”

  “Did you enjoy that?” I asked, fascinated.

  “I did, yeah,” said Eddie. “We pretty much lived in squalor, lots of ramen for dinner and there were some near misses with getting the bills paid before the electricity was shut off, but we saw every concert worth seeing. I loved it.”

  I nodded, feeling a burst of envy. “It sounds very bohemian.”

  Eddie burst out laughing. “God, my mom would love you for saying that.”

  “Was it just the two of you, or…?”

  “Yep, just Mom and me. And you know, there’s a lot of shit that comes with living in a single parent household, but I wouldn’t trade it even if I had the option. And I know that she wouldn’t either. We were basically a little social anarchist family, not bothering to live the way people wanted us to. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to grow up in that environment, you know? Instead of just keeping my head down and getting the quintessential suburban upbringing that most of my friends were stuck with.” Eddie grinned at me. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” I asked, stalling for time.

  “You know,” said Eddie, nudging my shoulder. “What was your childhood like?”

  I shrugged. “It was…pretty typical I guess. My parents live in Salem, Oregon so I grew up there. It’s the capital, but there’s not nearly as much to do there as there is in Portland, so I picked a college up there.”

  “Is Portland far from Salem?” Eddie asked.

  “Nah, it’s an hour give-or-take, depending on traffic.”

  “And did you like it up there?” asked Eddie.

  “Yeah,” I said wistfully, “I really did. It’s an amazing city…all quirky houses and bright green foliage and independent coffee shops.”