Dirty, Reckless Love - Lexi Ryan

by Ryan, Lexi

  Brayden turns to me and tries to smile, but it comes off more like a grimace. “I am. The timing’s just . . .” He looks at the TV, then back at me. “Have you seen the news?”

  I turn to look at what has everyone else’s attention. Shay’s standing in front of the screen with her hand over her mouth. “I can’t believe it,” she says, shaking her head. “Colton wouldn’t . . .”

  “It doesn’t mean anything,” Brayden says. “It’s his father’s boat, so of course his fingerprints were all over everything.”

  I don’t need to read the headlines scrolling across the bottom of the screen to understand what they’re talking about, but I read them anyway, a fist tightening around my chest with every word.

  The same weapon is believed to have been used in the assault against Ellie Courdrey seven weeks ago.

  All the air from my lungs is squeezed out of me.

  Ellie’s alone.

  I reach for my phone. “I need to call Ellie.”

  Shay turns to me. “Where is she?”

  “My house,” I say, putting the phone to my ear. “She was still in bed when I left.”

  “She’s alone?” Brayden asks.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. I hate how they’re all acting like Colton may be a danger to her. Fuck, I hate how I’m starting to believe he might be. But no. If Colton wanted to hurt her, he’d have done so at the lake two days ago. Right? Or does he need her alive until he gets information from her she couldn’t remember at the lake?

  I hold the phone to my ear and wait for Ellie to pick up.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m on my way to get you. I want you over at Brayden’s with the rest of us.”

  “You saw the news,” she says.

  “Yeah. I guess that means you saw it too?”

  “A few minutes ago.” She sighs. “I only turned it on because Detective Huxley called to tell me they’re having officers patrol around the house.”

  “I don’t like you being alone.”

  “Stay there,” she says. “I have my car, and I remember where Brayden’s is. I just need to get dressed, then I’ll be on my way.”

  I was bracing myself for a fight and am surprised she’s agreed to join us. “I’m already on my way,” I say. “Stay in the house and lock the doors.” There are too many eyes on me, so I head to the rarely used living room in the front of the house.

  “Don’t worry about me, Levi. I’ll be fine.”

  “I won’t be fine until you’re next to me.” I open my mouth to say more, but Brayden wanders into the living room. There goes my privacy. “Okay. I’ll see you when I get there. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she says, but instead of feeling as amazing as they did last night, the words only heighten my anxiety. She’s trusting me to protect her.

  When I end the call, Brayden stands beside me. “She’s okay?”

  I nod, pulling my keys from my pocket. “Maybe too okay. Last weekend, she was terrified of Colton, but now she’s getting her memories back and isn’t scared of him anymore.” I squeeze the knot at the back of my neck. “Fuck it, but I think I preferred when she was scared of him. I liked thinking she’d have her guard up, at least.” I lower my voice. “He’s been my best friend my whole life, and I’m standing here thinking . . .” I shake my head. “I don’t even know what I’m thinking.”

  “You’re worried about the woman you love.” My brother squeezes my shoulder. “And considering she was on death’s door not so long ago, no one can blame you for that.”

  “Everything’s so fucked.”

  “Just because the police issued a warrant doesn’t mean he’s guilty. Hell, we don’t even know if Nelson is dead. They found evidence, not a body. Nor do we know if what happened to Ellie is related or some random act of violence.”

  “Somebody hurt her.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “She was safe at her mom’s. I was the one who talked her into coming back home. What the fuck kind of idiot does that?”

  “If someone wants to hurt her, do you think she’d be safer at her mom’s or with you?”

  If that someone is Colton, he could get into my house. He knows all he needs to bypass my security system. The same weapon. I don’t even want to say it out loud. “I don’t want to believe it was him.”

  But I already know I need to make a call. I need to protect Ellie.

  Ellie

  Monday, August 27th

  The ultrasound room in the Jackson Harbor Maternity Clinic is frigid, and the paper gown they gave me does nothing to keep me warm. They’ve put pictures on the walls of new moms and their babies. Maybe they’re patients from this clinic or maybe they’re just models posing for photos that are supposed to make expectant mothers less terrified of what’s to come. The photos are large—the only splashes of color in an otherwise beige room.

  Instead of feeling comforted by the smiling faces, I feel profoundly alone and confused. I slept with Levi last night, and he told me he loved me. In that tiny stolen moment, there was enough hope and goodness to make me believe everything could turn out okay. Then I went home and looked at the bags of Colton’s belongings all over my living room and realized I was just running from reality. I still haven’t told Colton about the baby, but when I tell him, he’s going to want to be in my life, one way or another. And when I tell him about Levi, he’s going to want Levi out of his life. Do I really want to put a child in the middle of that? I’m in no position to be starting something with Levi. No matter how good last night felt.

  The knock on the exam room door feels ominous.

  “Come in.”

  “Are you ready for me?” The woman sticks her head in, smiling. “I’m Rose, the ultrasound tech.”

  “Hi. I’m Ellie.”

  “Is it just you today, Ellie? This is exciting.”

  “Just me.” I try to smile. I could have asked Ava to come. I know she’d have been thrilled. It should be exciting to be pregnant at the same time as your best friend. But instead it makes me draw unfair comparisons. She wanted a baby, even if she had to do it alone. I’m terrified of being a single mom. She’s a natural at everything she does and will be a great mom. I’m lucky if I manage to get all my bills paid on time. But the biggest, most painful difference between us is that she just got engaged to a man who’d slay dragons for her, and the father of my child spent his Saturday night with another woman—the mother of his four-year-old son. Then he chose to walk out the door instead of talking to me about it, and I slept with his best friend. Too bad Jerry Springer’s not still on—he’d love my trashy drama.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. I wanted to be so much more.

  “Okay,” the tech says. “Go ahead and lie back. This is going to feel a little cold.” She squeezes gel onto my belly then rubs the wand over me and slowly adjusts the angle. “Where are you hiding, little one?”

  I watch the screen too, but I don’t know what I’m looking at. To me, it’s all various shades of gray—blobs and lines, like smears on a half-processed piece of photo paper.

  “Right there,” she says, pointing to the screen. “There’s your little peanut.”

  My breath catches as my eyes make sense of what I’m seeing. A face, a body, little arms and legs. Oh my goodness. “You’re really there.” I don’t mean to say it out loud, but the tech smiles.

  “We’ll take some measurements and see how far along you are, and see if we can hear the heartbeat.” She uses the computer mouse to freeze the image, clicking one end of the tiny body and then the other.

  I know how far along I am. I know exactly what night I got pregnant. The weekend Colton and I were traveling and I forgot my pills at home. I didn’t think it would matter.

  I let her do her work and stare at the tiny human the screen that’ll grow into the biggest responsibility of my life.

  She clicks again, and suddenly the room fills with a whoosh, whoosh that matches my racing heart. “That’s the sound of your blood flowing into the placenta.” She adjusts the wand, and
I hear it—the shift in tempo, the faster beat.

  My eyes fill with tears as the sound fills my ears and limbs. I can’t hear or comprehend anything else. It’s like the most intense surround sound of my life.

  “Are you okay, Ellie?” she asks gently.

  I nod. “It’s amazing.”

  “It really is.” She removes the wand and wipes the gel off my belly before helping me lower my feet and sit up. “You’re brave to come in here on your own. I know this process scares a lot of women.”

  There’s a question in her voice that I don’t want to answer. “I didn’t plan on being a single mom.” I’m surprised to hear the admission slip out of me. “But it looks like that’s the way it’s gonna be.”

  She gives me a soft smile, more tentative than the ear-to-ear grin she gave when she first entered the room. “Do you want to talk about your options, or—”

  “I’m keeping it.”

  She nods. “There are resources. I don’t know your financial situation, but through the state we have some programs that—”

  “I’ll be fine.” That’s such bullshit. I have a high-deductible insurance that’s essentially only useful in a catastrophic health crisis, a two-bedroom house where the tiny second bedroom is currently acting as my walk-in closet, and a two-door Kia I’m not sure is big enough to carry a car seat. I make okay money, but my income is unpredictable at best and unreliable at worst. While that was fine for a single girl more interested in adventures than a nine-to-five daily grind, it’ll be entirely different when I have a child I have to provide for on my own. “I’m scared,” I confess to the tech.

  “That’s normal.” She taps on the keyboard, printing out a few black-and-white images before turning back to me. “These are for you. And I’ll get you some information on our financial assistance programs, and you can see if any of them apply to you.”

  “Thank you.” I take the images. “I appreciate it.”

  “I’ll get out of here, and you can get dressed. They’ll give you a card for your next appointment on your way out.” She taps a few more times at her keyboard, then leaves the room.

  I press my palm to my belly where that tiny human is growing, where his or her heart beats faster than mine but in a rhythm that feels like it’s part of the same song.

  What would Colton do if he knew about this baby? Would he promise to never see Molly again? Would he quit the pills for good? Would that be enough for me to take him back?

  It wouldn’t change the fact that Molly’s moving home with Colton’s kid, and that on a gut-deep level I’ll never trust him with her. I’m not sure that’s a challenge we can overcome.

  And then there’s this thing I feel for Levi. What am I supposed to do about that? Can Levi and I really expect to be together happily? And doesn’t he deserve more than a terrified mother-to-be who can’t separate her fear of ending up like her mom and sister from her feelings for a man she knows would do anything to protect her?

  After dressing and checking out, I wander out of the clinic and down the street to Ooh La La! bakery. There’s no comfort food like Star’s cupcakes, so I order one double chocolate and a decaf black tea before taking a seat in the coveted corner booth.

  I pull my phone from my purse, and the ultrasound pics come out with it, leaving my little peanut to smile up at me as I call Colton. His phone rings once and clicks over to voicemail. “Hey, it’s Ellie. We need to talk.” I trace the image with my fingertip. “Call me.”

  “Is my jerkface brother avoiding your calls?”

  I look up at Ava. “He seems to be,” I say as she slides into the booth across from me. I try to smile, but seeing Colton’s sister just makes me feel guilty about what I did with Levi last night. I feel guilty for betraying Colton and guilty for starting something with Levi I’m in no position to pursue when I need to focus on being a mom.

  “What’s that?” She takes the ultrasound images from the table and looks at them one by one, her eyes growing teary. “Oh, sweet thing. I can’t wait to meet you.” When she meets my eyes, her tears roll down her cheeks. “Did you go to the appointment alone?”

  “I should have called you,” I say, my throat growing thick.

  “Next time.”

  I nod. “I promise.”

  She slides the pictures back to me. “I’m sorry my brother’s been such an idiot. I think he’ll turn around when he learns about this.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Where’s he staying?”

  I shrug. I’ve been trying not to think about that. “With Molly, I assume.”

  She shakes her head. “Molly went back to New York yesterday.”

  “Well, I slept at home last night and never heard him come in.”

  Ava’s phone buzzes, and she frowns down at it. “Crap.”

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  “My dad still isn’t home,” she says. “Jill texted to tell me she went to the station to file a missing person report.”

  I bite my lip. My problems are pretty big, but not missing person big. “I’m sorry. Did he and Jill have a fight or anything?”

  She taps out a quick reply before meeting my eyes. “She doesn’t fight, but I honestly don’t think they’ve had a good relationship for a long time now. Molly and I were hoping she’d leave him.”

  “Doesn’t make this any less stressful, though.”

  She shrugs. “I’m sure he’ll show up. I mean, his boat isn’t at the marina, so he’s probably out on it somewhere, forgetting that the entire world doesn’t revolve around him and he needs to check in sometimes.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Let’s talk about you. What’s next?”

  No matter how scared I am of what comes next, I have to face it head-on. “Next, I tell Colton I’m pregnant.” And that I slept with Levi.

  I climb out of my bathtub and check my phone. Still no word from Colton.

  “It might just be you and me, kiddo,” I whisper to my belly. I grab my robe off the hook on the wall and shove my arms through the sleeves as I walk out into the living room.

  Colton is sitting on my sofa.

  “When are you due?” His voice cracks. He’s holding my ultrasound pictures—the little stack of thin paper cradled in both hands, as if the images are as fragile as the child itself.

  “The middle of January.” I pull the tie on my robe tighter.

  When I got home from my appointment, I decided to run a hot bath and left my purse and the black-and-white images on the coffee table. He must have come home while I was in the tub.

  Home. Is this his home anymore?

  He lifts his eyes to meet mine, and the pain there makes guilt slice through me. “How could you keep this a secret?”

  I open my mouth to say, How could you cheat on me? But I bite back the words. If we fight, we’ll never have the conversation we need to have. “When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought you were about to propose.” I lower myself onto the couch—beside him, but not too close. “I didn’t want to mess it up by telling you. I know it’s stupid, but I wanted the proposal without you knowing about the baby.” It’s the truth, but hearing myself say it out loud makes me feel childish. I should have told Colton weeks ago.

  He drags a hand over his face. “That’s not stupid. Not at all. I’m sorry.” He traces the picture with shaking hands. “Christ, I’m so sorry.”

  I press a hand against the ache in my chest. It’s no use hoping he might tell me he’d been planning that proposal. We both know he wasn’t. “But instead of proposing, you were pulling away. You and Molly—”

  His head snaps up. “There is no me and Molly. There’s never been anything between us. I had a crush on her when we were kids, but she’s my stepsister and that’s it.”

  “She’s more than that. She’s the mother of your child. And even if you weren’t sleeping together, don’t sit there and insult me by telling me there’s nothing between you. You two have been involved. Maybe just emotionally, but what you have is s
omething deeper than anything you and I have shared lately.” I swallow, clinging to my courage when it wants to leave me. “That’s not going to go away just because I’m pregnant.”

  His lips part as he studies the picture. “I’m pretty sure this changes everything, El.” He lifts his head. “Everything that matters, at least.”

  “Everything that matters has already changed between us. I wasn’t sure why or exactly when, but now I think it changed when you found out about Noah. You changed when you found out about Noah.”

  “I know I did.” He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and smooths it out before handing it to me. “I want you to read this. I got this letter from Molly in June.”

  Colton,

  Ava was here last weekend and met my son, Noah. I promised her I’d tell you about him, but I’m guessing you’ve heard through the grapevine already. I’m including a picture so you understand why she thinks you need to know this information more than anyone else.

  You and I both know that you have no responsibility for this child, but I’ve let Mom believe you have ties to him, and now that Ava’s seen him, I’m letting her believe it too. I couldn’t bring myself to tell either the truth. It’s easier this way. I hope you’ll forgive me for any complications this brings to your life. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I hope you can understand why I have chosen my lies as I have. Maybe it’s all for nothing. Maybe that old saying is true—there are no secrets that time won’t reveal—but I’ll fight time to keep this one.

  Molly

  I read the letter twice before lifting my gaze back to Colton’s. “Noah isn’t yours?”

  He shakes his head. “I agreed to tell everyone he was so she could move home without all the talk. People can be brutal with their assumptions. Their judgments.”

  “I don’t understand. He looks just like you.”

  He leans back on the couch and glares at the ceiling. “He doesn’t look like me, Ellie. Think about it.”

  I frown. “What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know who else . . .” I blink at him. Oh no. He wouldn’t . . . “Your father? Molly was having an affair with your father?”