Empress in Hiding

by Zoey Gong

  “Very smart,” I say. “And anything of high value that we cannot take with us, we should hide here. Bury it in the courtyard or under the stones in the floor. That way, it all will be waiting for us when we return.”

  Suyin starts crying harder, her shoulders shaking and her breath ragged. “I’m so frightened,” she says between sobs. I put my arms around her.

  “Everything will be fine, I am sure,” I say. “Even the prince admitted that he was probably overreacting. He just wants to make sure we are safe.”

  “All of our friends,” Suyin says. “The other servants. “I feel terrible not warning them.”

  “Suyin,” I say, making my voice as stern as possible, which isn’t very. “I am serious. You cannot tell anyone. There will be severe repercussions if you do.”

  “Yes, my lady,” she says, trying to get herself back under control but not doing a very good job.

  “You must start packing,” I tell them. “But you must also be discreet. The other servants in the house cannot know. I don’t trust them the way I trust the two of you to keep this a secret.”

  “That will be difficult,” Jinhai says. “They are sure to notice that something is going on.”

  “Perhaps,” I say. “But you do not have to answer any of their questions. Or you have my leave to lie if you must. I am not happy about it, but I don’t know how else to avoid a panic.”

  “If the day comes that we will have to flee,” Jinhai says, “there will be a panic. They will all be afraid and unprepared. You must be ready for that.”

  My heart is heavy at the thought. He’s right. I hadn’t thought about that. When the moment comes that we must flee, what will I tell the rest of the harem? How will I explain to them why I am ready to leave and they are not. How will I…leave them behind?

  “I had not considered that before, but I will now. Thank you. Is there anything else?”

  They glance at each other and then shake their heads.

  “Very well. If at any time you have questions or concerns, tell me at once. Do not wait. But make sure we are alone.”

  I look at Suyin, her eyes and cheeks red and her mouth pinched with worry. “Stay here until you can collect yourself. I don’t want the others to see you like this and start asking questions.”

  “Yes, my lady,” she says.

  I look to Jinhai. “Are you all right?”

  “Yes, my lady,” Jinhai says. “We will need time to figure out how to start packing without notice, but I am sure we will be able to sort it out.”

  “Good.”

  At that, Jinhai opens the door. I catch a glimpse of someone disappearing around a corner and the shuffling of feet. I knew that someone—or several someones—would be listening at the door. I think we kept our voices low enough, though, that they would not be able to hear anything important.

  As we make our way out, a sudden fear grips my heart and I grab Jinhai’s arm, pulling him back into the room.

  “The children!”

  His eyes go wide and Suyin’s face blanches. I am disgusted with myself at the fact that I had completely forgotten about them! Honghui hadn’t mentioned them to me either. He was only concerned for my safety, but they must be equally at risk. Especially Jingfei, as she is the daughter of the first empress.

  I feel sick as all my careful planning comes tumbling down around me. The girls will need their own supplies, their own clothes, their own maids. But I don’t know their servants well enough to trust them, and Dongmei’s maids are known to be terrible gossips. The three of us return to my bed-chamber and close the door.

  “What are we to do?” I ask. “How could I be so selfish?”

  “You are not selfish,” Suyin says. “You are anything but selfish. You have thought not only of yourself, but your friends and servants. At least you thought of the girls now and not when it was too late.”

  “I want the girls moved into my palace,” I say. “I want them by my side at all times. I don’t want to risk being separated from them if we must flee.”

  “That will surely arouse suspicion,” Jinhai says.

  I wave my hand dismissively. “There is nothing suspicious about a mother wanting to be closer to her children.”

  He presses his lips but says nothing. In an imperial household, it will be very suspicious for the girls not to live in their own palaces. But I can’t help it. If I were to lose them, I would never forgive myself.

  “What can we do to prepare the girls without others knowing?” I ask.

  “I don’t know that we can pack their own items without their maids knowing,” Suyin says.

  “Then what should we do?”

  Jinhai snaps his fingers. “Bolts of cloth. We will take bolts of cloth with us and make clothes for them later.”

  “Indeed,” Suyin says. “And they will just use your toiletries and food.”

  “What if we have no opportunity to sew new clothes for them?” I ask.

  “We can always take in some of the larger clothes,” Suyin says. “I don’t think I am much bigger than Dongmei. Though, I would hate to have to dress her in servant clothes.”

  “Their safety is most important,” I say. “They will need shoes as well.”

  “When they arrive here, I will find out what size they wear and find slippers in their size from among the servants,” Jinhai says.

  “You mean to steal them?” I ask. He shrugs, and I realize that I am hardly in a position to judge or be very picky. “Do what you must.”

  I sigh, letting the panic from before ease. Everything will be fine, I am sure. We have a plan. We have a place to go to. We will all be together.

  We will be safe.

  10

  Quickly and quietly, Suyin and Jinhai pack five trunks with the most necessary of items and place them around my palace grounds. We thought it might look too conspicuous if they were all stacked together. Each trunk has a small leather pouch of coins and jewels, and there are also pouches for each of us to hide under our clothes. Jinhai loosened a floorboard in my bed-chamber, so we hid more coins and jewels under that. There is nothing left for us to do but sit, wait, and hope for the best.

  I have heard no more from the emperor on the matter, so I can only hope things are going well. He also has not called me to his bed, though I suspect it is because he knows I will ask about the war and he does not want to speak of it with me. But he has called both Wangli and Yanmei, and of course Euhmeh. Since I elevated Wangli and Yanmei to rank-three concubines, they are often given precedence. The day after Yanmei is called for the first time, she is rather quiet, but there is a small smile on her face, and I think their night must have gone well. Wangli, however, is another matter.

  “What is wrong?” I ask Wangli as we are sitting in the shade of a willow tree watching Dongmei and Jingfei play with a liter of long-haired kittens and their mother cat.

  She lets out a sigh as she leans against the trunk of the tree, her eyes focused on something far away. There is a light breeze that waves the tassel hanging from her liangbatou. She is fingering a folded paper in her hand, another letter from home.

  “I am sure the emperor is displeased with me,” she says.

  “Why would you think that?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “I…I think I was a disappointment to him.”

  I nod slowly. I remember what my maid Nuwa told me the night before I was taken to the emperor’s bed for the first time. She said he liked girls who were enthusiastic, not women who were like a cold fish.

  “The first night can be awkward, I know,” I say. “But next time, you will know what to expect and can be better prepared.”

  “Next time?” she asks, then she barks a laugh. “I am sure there will not be a next time. I know what happens to women who do not satisfy him.”

  I nod. If the emperor finds a woman to be…poor company, he usually does not call her back again. Lady An, Dongmei’s mother, was one such woman. She was only with the emperor one time and never summoned again. S
he was blessed to have fallen pregnant, but even that was not enough to redeem her in the emperor’s eyes and she spent the rest of her nights alone. I will never forget Lady An and the troubles she faced. It was all so terribly unfair…

  “I’m so torn, Lihua,” Wangli goes on, then she pauses. She looks at me before continuing. “Can I tell you something? Something in confidence?”

  “Of course,” I say. “I’m very good at keeping secrets.”

  “Do you remember the first time we met?”

  “How could I forget?” It was our very first night in the Forbidden City after the consort selection. I was wide awake, so terrified and confused about how I had ended up in such a position. I heard a sound outside. When I went to investigate, I found Wangli in the garden, crying.

  “I did not want to be here, did not want to be chosen,” she says. “I wanted to go home to my family.”

  My eyes water and I pat her hand. “I understand. Truly.”

  “I still do not want to be called to the emperor’s bed,” she says. “I secretly hoped that I would live and die a maid. But at the same time, I do not wish the emperor to be angry with me.”

  “I understand,” I say. “I was the same way. I wanted to remain hidden among the many ladies, to live a quiet life.”

  “That is what I thought,” she says, wiping her eyes. “I thought that you and I had an understanding. But when you caught the emperor’s eye…” She shakes her head. “I thought it had all been an act.”

  “It wasn’t an act,” I say. “It was not my intention to gain the emperor’s attention. It was Suyin’s idea to make the prince a gift, and I couldn’t think of a reason not to. I never thought it would lead to…to this.” I motion to my headdress. “But once I started to gain the emperor’s favor, what could I do? I would have been a fool to reject him.”

  “I suppose that is true,” she says, looking back out at the girls. I pick up a long blade of grass and twirl it in my fingers. “Are you happy now?”

  Her question surprises me, and I think it must show on my face. She straightens up so she can look me in the face more easily.

  “I mean, this isn’t the life you wanted, but are you happy with how things have turned out?”

  I have to think about this for a long moment. I haven’t considered my own happiness for quite some time. I let go of that long ago. I have spent every day doing what is required of me whether it makes me happy or not. Have I somehow slipped into happiness without knowing it? No, I don’t think I have. But there is something else. Something strangely comfortable.

  “I am content,” I say. “There are things I would change if I could, certainly. But that is not how the world works. If I have to live the rest of my life the way things are right now, I do not think I could complain in the end. Except about not seeing my family. That is a pain that never goes away.”

  Wangli turns the letter in her hand over. “Yes, that is a loss I would not wish upon anybody. Do you think I will be content one day?”

  I reach out and rub her shoulder. “I can only hope that we will be content together.” Wangli smiles and I hope that I have helped lighten her heart a bit. I stand up to go to the girls and hear a commotion down one of the garden paths. I walk toward the noise and see several ladies huddled together, all of them talking over each other.

  “What is going on?” I ask. The crowd parts and everyone kneels. I can see that they were all circled around one woman who is holding a piece of paper. “What is that?”

  “A letter from home, your majesty,” the woman says, handing it to me. “From my mother.”

  I cannot read, but I take the paper anyway and hand it to Wangli. “What does it say?”

  Wangli looks over the paper before answering. She seems to hesitate. “It says that two of her brothers, her uncle, and a cousin have all been called to join the military.”

  The women all begin talking, fretting, and even crying.

  “My brother was summoned too,” another woman says.

  “I heard that my whole village was ordered to serve,” another says.

  “The foreigners are destroying the coastal towns,” another adds in.

  They go on like this, sharing stories and gossip and some things that are surely wild tales. It has become impossible to keep the women in the dark regarding the war. Even here in the Forbidden City, we are not completely shielded from the outside world as long as even some of the women receive letters from home.

  “That’s enough,” I say, clapping my hands. The ladies all go quiet and bow to me. “I have spoken to his majesty about this. He has assured me that there is nothing to fear.”

  “But…but the letters. My brothers…” the woman says, taking her letter back from Wangli and holding it tightly to her chest.

  “I am sure it is true that they have been asked to join the army,” I say. “But it is only to show the might of China to the foreigners. To frighten them into backing down.”

  “There has been fighting!” one of the other girls pipes up, and I groan inside. They seem to have far more information than I thought. “The foreigners have come onshore and been slaughtering villagers.” The women all shriek and cry at this.

  “Stop, stop!” I say. “Do you dare contradict the words of his majesty? Your husband?”

  The girls go silent at this, though they still sniffle and tremor.

  “I have spoken to him on the matter and you have no reason to fear. We are safe here in the Forbidden City, and his majesty will do all he can to protect this country.”

  They are quiet, but I can tell they are bursting to tell me more or ask questions.

  “Please, majesty,” one of the girls finally says. “Can you speak to the emperor on my behalf? If my brothers die, there will be no one to carry on the family line. My parents will be childless.”

  My heart goes out to her, but I know there is nothing that I can do. “I am sure your brothers will return home soon, safe and sound.”

  “But, your majesty…” All the girls begin pleading with me for help. To do something, anything, for their menfolk.

  “I’m sorry,” I try to say. I want to reassure them, but I do not want to make promises I cannot keep. I look to Wangli for assistance, but she shrugs. She has no idea what to do either.

  “What is the meaning of this?” Dowager Empress Fenfeng says from behind me. I had not been able to hear her approach over the babbling of the ladies. Everyone drops to their knees.

  “Good morning, Mother,” they say.

  “Why is everyone crying and yelling?” she asks. “I could hear the commotion all the way to my sitting room.”

  “The ladies have received letters from home telling them about the little conflict we are having with the foreigners. They are worried about their families,” I say.

  “Why would ladies of the court, the consorts of the emperor, worry themselves about such matters?” Fenfeng says harshly. “Your husband’s family is the only family you need concern yourselves with now. Did your parents teach you nothing?”

  The girls are silent.

  “Now, the emperor has assured me that there is nothing to worry about. We are safe within these walls and that is all that matters. Do you all understand me?”

  “Yes, Mother,” they all say in unison.

  “Good. Now, return to your palaces and speak no more of this. If I hear any more about it, you’ll be locked in your rooms.”

  “Yes, Mother!” The women all stand and back away from Fenfeng before rushing back to their palaces. Fenfeng then turns to me, looking down her broad nose from her much taller pot-bottom shoes. I give a small bow.

  “Thank you for your assistance, Mother,” I say. “I tried to reassure them that there was nothing to worry about, but they are quite frightened.”

  “And why were they frightened?” she asks.

  “Be…because of the letters—”

  “No,” she says. “It is because you allowed them to become frightened. The ladies should not be concerned
about matters beyond these walls.”

  “What do you expect me to do?” I ask. “I cannot control what their families tell them.”

  “No,” she says, “but you can keep them from seeing it.”

  “What do you mean? You can’t expect me to…to keep the letters from them.”

  “If the letters contain information that could disrupt the harmony of the emperor’s household, then that is exactly what you should do,” she says.

  “You…you want me to…to read their letters? To hide their letters?”

  “There is no need for you to waste your time with such drudgery,” she says. “Speak to Fiyanggu. Tell him that from now on, the department of household affairs is to read every letter that comes in. Any that mention a war, or fighting, or the military should be destroyed.”

  Wangli gasps and I see her shove her hands into her sleeves. She seems to be afraid Fenfeng will rip her letter away from her right now.

  “That seems rather extreme,” I say. “The ladies find great comfort in words from home.”

  “In normal times, yes, of course they do. But letters that speak of war are only causing them upset. They are full of supposition, lies, and tales that undermine the emperor. The only thing any of us need to know is the emperor’s word on the matter.”

  I understand what Fenfeng is saying, and her words do align with what Guozhi told me. None of us wish to see the ladies of the harem in a panic. That would help no one. But in order to do that, the true situation must be kept from them.

  “If you are not up to the task, I will speak to Fiyanggu myself,” Fenfeng says.

  “No,” I say quickly. “I will do it. It is my responsibility. I will do as you ask.”

  “See that you do,” she says as she turns and walks away. I see one of her maids hanging back, watching me, and I know Fenfeng will know if I fail to follow her orders.

  “Please, majesty,” Wangli says as we slowly walk toward Fiyanggu’s office. “Please, do not do this. The letters from home are the only comfort many of us have.”

  “I’m not going to destroy the letters,” I say. “But if I don’t do something, Fenfeng will make sure they are done away with.”