Empress in Hiding

by Zoey Gong

  “Thank you,” I say. “But there is too much to do to rest now. Make sure Yanmei and the girls are settled there for now.”

  “I have already done so, your majesty,” Suyin says. “I knew you would want to make sure the children were tended to first.”

  The relief I feel that at least something has been done right is enough to nearly knock me over. I grip Suyin’s arm and nod.

  “Majesty,” she says, leading me to a trunk to sit on. “Are you unwell? You should rest.”

  “No,” I say. “I can’t. The other ladies—”

  “Your majesty.” I look up to see one of Guozhi’s eunuchs kneeling before me. “His majesty requests your presence.”

  I nod and Suyin helps me stand again. I follow the eunuch into one of the buildings toward the front of the palace. It is the largest building, so far as I can tell. The building is very plain. In the Forbidden City, every column, every beam, every bit of woodwork is engraved, painted, and lacquered. There are rugs everywhere, and heavy curtains hang over windows and doors. The Winter Palace has none of this. Its walls and floors are grey stone and there are no decorations of any kind. I stand outside a door as several of Guozhi’s advisors leave, including Honghui. He seems to not see me, though, and his face is troubled.

  Once they have passed, I am led into the room and the doors are closed behind me. This is Guozhi’s bed-chamber. Unlike the rest of the palace, this room is decorated. A large, comfortable-looking, kang bed is in the middle of the room. There are two braziers, both burning brightly even though the room would be warm enough without them. There are rugs on the floor and curtains on the windows. It looks nearly identical to his bed-chamber back in the Forbidden City.

  But what I find most irritating is that Guozhi does not look like a man who was just forced from his home, from his city. He is wearing a yellow, dragon robe and his queue is freshly washed, oiled, and plaited. I see several empty bowls of food and rice that have not been cleared away yet and my stomach growls. I grit my teeth to keep from speaking out of turn. He looks at me with an eyebrow raised. I am so angry, I forgot to bow. I drop down.

  “Forgive me, your majesty,” I say, doing my best to sound humble. “I forgot myself. I am exhausted from the long journey.”

  He motions with his hand that it is acceptable for me to stand once again. “I am glad you have arrived safely. According to reports, all the ladies have arrived and are unharmed. You did well, Lihua.”

  “Thank you,” I manage. “They are in need of food and rest. The palace was not prepared for our arrival.”

  “I am sure everything will be sorted soon enough,” he says dismissively. I chew my lower lip. It is as if he is trying to make me angry. “My mother is rather unhappy, though. She said that you did not let her bring any of her necessities. Is it true you set fire to her things? That was very poorly done.”

  “There were barely enough carts for the ladies,” I say. “The few we had could not be wasted on dresses and shoes.”

  “Lihua,” he says in a warning tone. “She is your mother-in-law. You must respect her position and age. If a few fineries bring her comfort, you should have made allowance for them.”

  I can hardly believe what I am hearing. “You would prefer for me to have left some of the women behind so that your mother might have a few more gowns to wear?”

  “I am sure that you could have found another way,” he says, turning away from me and pacing the length of the room. “But I know I expected a lot from someone so young. You didn’t know that you should be prepared for any possibility.”

  “You told me everything was fine!” I say, almost yelling. “You told me that the foreigners would never even reach Peking, much less the palace. You gave me no notice of what was happening. No indication that I should prepare to evacuate.”

  I don’t tell him that I was at least prepared for myself and his children. He doesn’t need to know that his brother took better care of his family than he did.

  He shakes his head. “As soon as I knew that things had taken a turn for the worst, I sent for you and the others. You were all able to get out. I am glad of that. But you should be more level-headed in the future.”

  “We could have died!”

  He scoffs. “You exaggerate.”

  “I saw them!” I say. “I saw the foreigners. They broke into the inner court. I saw their pale and hairy faces. Their blue uniforms. They carried guns. One of them grabbed me and…” I shudder at the memory. Up until now, I had been so intent on surviving, I have not had time to feel afraid. But I can see his yellow teeth, smell his breath as he pulled me close to him.

  I wipe my nose and wrap my arms around myself. “I have no doubt that if they had caught me, caught any of us, we would have come to a bad end.”

  He opens his mouth, I think to chastise me again, but he seems to think better of it. “I did not realize that you saw them. How did you escape?”

  I shrug. Does he not know that Honghui saved me? It is no secret. Many people saw me riding on the back of his horse. Guozhi will surely find out. Will he be angry with me? Thankful to his brother? I have no idea.

  “The…the foreigners did not pursue us,” I say. “They seemed content with occupying the palace.”

  “At least they have some honor,” he says. He is then quiet for a long time. I don’t look at him, but keep my eyes downcast, squeezing my hands together.

  “I am glad you—all of you—are safe,” he finally says. I let out a long, low exhale, trying to let my anger out. I do not accept his words, but fighting with him will accomplish nothing.

  “What will we do now?” I ask him.

  “You should return the harem,” he says. “The women need your guidance, I’m sure.”

  “No,” I say. “I mean, what is the plan for ending this war quickly and getting us home?”

  He waves his hand. “Don’t worry. I will take care of that.”

  “That’s what you said before,” I say.

  He turns and looks at me sharply. “What did you say?” he demands. He heard me clearly and is already angry. I want to yell and scream. Tell him how incompetent he has been. Tell him how much danger he put us all in. Tell him that we are hurt and frightened. That I don’t trust him to get us back home. Ask if we need to prepare to flee again.

  But I say none of that. After all, he won’t be truthful with me. He will continue to tell me everything is fine no matter how close to collapse we are. His advisors, his brother, might know the truth, but for him to lose face, look weak, in front of his women is a blow he cannot face.

  “I…I only want to know how long we should plan to stay here,” I settle on.

  “Indefinitely,” he says. “Help the ladies get comfortable. They might have to stay here for some time.”

  “I will do as you say.” I give a bow and back out of the room. I don’t look to see if his face is angry or not as I leave. It doesn’t matter right now. He has far more to worry about than an insolent woman. He might decide to punish me later, after we return home. It is more likely he will have forgotten all about me by then.

  When I return to the courtyard, I am heartened to see that all the ladies are seated around a large pot of rice. There are also pots of simmering meats and vegetables. Not a lot, but it appears to be enough. The ladies all have bowls and chopsticks and are eating eagerly.

  “How did this come about?” I ask as Jinhai comes to me with a bowl of my own. The rice alone makes my stomach growl, but the stewed meat, so tender, so flavorful, is enough to make me forget my manners as I shovel the food into my mouth.

  “The palace has cooking staff on hand,” Jinhai explains. “Not many. Usually just enough to care for the servants who are stationed here year-round. But they had some food on hand and started preparing it as soon as we started arriving.”

  “That was smart of them,” I say.

  He nods. “Many of the cooks from the Forbidden City have arrived as well. And they had the wherewithal to bring bags of stap
le foods. Rice, flour, beans. It is enough to get us by for now until we are able to figure out how to get more food sent up.”

  I stop eating long enough to take a breath and sigh. “Good. Take note of the cooks who brought supplies. Once we are settled, I will see them rewarded.”

  He bows and goes to…do whatever it is he is doing to help get us organized and settled. When all the ladies are fed and have a place to lay their heads, I know it will not be my doing, but that of the eunuchs. I will have to find ways to show my appreciation for all they have done for us.

  I look around and notice that the mood in the courtyard has altered. The women no longer seem scared, and they certainly are no longer hungry. I see that most of them have their hair down and are wearing flat shoes. Their clothes are disheveled and dirty. There is a distinct smell of donkey in the air. Despite all that, they are sitting together, laughing and talking. It seems that, for the moment at least, shoes, and jewels, and gowns, and rank, and appearance have little meaning. We are all together, safe and alive. And that is enough for now.

  “Your majesty!” Fiyanggu rushes toward me and kneels at my side. “There is a problem.”

  “What is it?”

  “The Lady Huiyin, she is not here,” he whispers in my ear.

  My stomach sinks at this news. “Are you sure?”

  He nods. “I’ve checked everywhere. No one has seen her. Her servants are not here either.”

  I rub my forehead and try to recall if I saw her among those lined up for a donkey cart. Everything was so chaotic, I cannot remember seeing anyone in particular.

  “What are we to do?” I ask. “Can we…can we send someone back for her?”

  “I will have to speak to the emperor,” he says. “It will be up to him what we should do. It would not be prudent for me to send people to the Forbidden City while the foreigners have it occupied without the emperor’s protection.”

  I nod as tears fill my eyes. Huiyin was—is—such a kind woman. I will be devastated if something has happened to her. Why didn’t she try to get a cart? Did she flee on her own? Was she hiding? Is she in the Forbidden City still? I feel sick as I think of what might become of her should the foreigners find her. Their wild eyes and bushy faces will haunt my dreams for years to come, I am sure.

  The worst part is that I failed her. I was the one who left without making sure all the ladies were safe and accounted for. Whatever terrible things befall her will be because of me. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

  17

  Life in the Winter Palace is miserable. It is so crowded, the ladies are crammed four and five to a palace, some even having to share beds. They fight over space. They fight over clothes. They fight over makeup. The servants fight. There is enough food to go around, but it is far less than everyone is used to, so people are hungry. The women quickly spend what money they were able to smuggle out of the palace on bribes and gifts in order to receive special treatment, but there is no special treatment to give, which leaves the ladies penniless and even more frustrated.

  I share my palace with Yanmei, the girls, and my servants. My palace is, of course, larger than all the others, and I could house more ladies, but the girls need some protection from what is going on. Some semblance of normalcy.

  The emperor does not keep me apprised of the situation, so I do not know if the negotiations are going well or not. Will we return home? Or will we have to flee again? Will the Manchu be overthrown? Honghui said that the foreigners did not want to remove Guozhi from the throne, but I am sure that they did not want to invade Peking initially either. I could be wrong about that. If China has many things that the foreign people want, they might be planning to simply take the country by force no matter what the emperor does. I cannot begin to imagine what that would mean for the people of China.

  The empress dowager is no help to me. In fact, she seems to relish how miserable I am. Every time I see her, there is a smug smile on her face I wish I could slap off. But, of course, I cannot. I must play the dutiful daughter-in-law. After Guozhi criticized me for choosing his consorts over Fenfeng’s shoes, I do not trust him to stand by my side and support me in any conflicts with his mother, so I am doing my best to avoid her altogether. Fenfeng has a palace all to herself, which at least keeps her away from me most of the time. I know that some of the consorts who are unhappy with the answers they get from me are turning to Fenfeng, but there is nothing she can do either, so I’m not particularly worried.

  After weeks at the Winter Palace, I am surprised when Guozhi summons me to his bed-chamber one evening. He has summoned none of the women to him since our arrival. I am hoping that this is a good sign. If he is feeling relaxed and confident enough to make love, perhaps the negotiations are going well.

  “The negotiations are not going well,” Guozhi tells me when we are alone.

  “Majesty?” I ask, confused. He is still fully dressed, so it seems that he did not bring me here to perform my wifely duties. Why am I here, then?

  “The foreigners have refused to concede on a single point,” he says, shaking his head. “I have ordered my general to prepare for open war.”

  This terrifies me. After what Honghui told me about the foreigners joining forces against us, I don’t see how one nation, even one as strong as ours, can stand against the rest of the world.

  “What does this mean?” I ask before I let my imagination run away with me.

  “Don’t worry,” he says. “I am sure we will be victorious. But it will be a long and bloody ordeal.”

  “Bloody…?” I say, my own blood draining from my head. I feel woozy and slump onto a nearby chair. “The women… The consorts… Their brothers and fathers and cousins, the ones who have been recruited already… Are they going to die?”

  “You must not let the other consorts know what is happening,” he says firmly. “They will not understand.”

  “Then why are you telling me?” I ask. I thought I wanted to know what was happening, the truth of the situation. But now I think I should have been kept in the dark. There is nothing I can do to help, so why inform me?

  “Because I must leave tomorrow—”

  “Leave?” I yell, jumping up from my seat. He holds his hand up to silence me.

  “I must leave tomorrow to lead the troops.”

  “No!” I say. “You cannot put your own life at risk like that.”

  “Lihua,” he says in annoyance. “Please, just listen.”

  I sink back onto my chair.

  “The consorts will surely hear of my leaving. They will suspect the worst. I need you to help them remain calm.”

  “Again?” I say. “Is that all I am good for? To lie to your women and keep them placated until we must flee again?”

  “We will not flee again,” he says. I open my mouth to argue, but then think better of it.

  “You should not fight,” I say instead. “You are too important to the empire. To us.”

  “I won’t be fighting,” he says. “I will ride ahead of the troops and meet the foreign generals face to face. They will surely come to a truce when they see how large our army is. When they see that I will not back down from defending my country.”

  I shake my head but say nothing. I put my hand to my mouth to make sure I say nothing. I know almost nothing of this war. It is surely more complicated than I can understand. But I still think this is a bad idea. It seems as though every decision Guozhi has made has only pushed us deeper into conflict. I do not see how this will turn out any better for us.

  Perhaps Guozhi is in the right. Maybe the foreigners are being too greedy. Maybe they are pushing their ways on us and turning the people against the emperor. But I don’t think that having a less prosperous country is worse than having no country at all. If Guozhi were to concede, at least we could go home. The other problems could be dealt with later, right?

  But what does my opinion matter? I am just a stupid, poor girl from a Han family. I shouldn’t even be here, much less worried abou
t what happens to a foolish Manchu emperor. But even as I think it, guilt settles into my stomach. I don’t want to be a Manchu empress, but neither do I want to see my friends and family killed or deposed. Guozhi has been good to me, and I think he is taking what he believes to be the best course of action. I love Yanmei and Suyin and Jinhai. They have become family to me. And what of Dongmei and Jingfei? I am the only mother they have left. I cannot let anything come between us. Then, there is Honghui. If I could marry him legally, I would.

  For all of my life, I wanted the Manchu empire to fall. I was taught to hate everything about them. But I am now so torn. I still think the Manchu have no right to the throne, a throne they stole. But neither do I wish death and destruction on them. I love them, and I know they love me. I must do whatever I can to help the Manchu survive. At least for now.

  I have forgotten what Guozhi and I were even talking about. I have had a hundred different thoughts since he last spoke. I clear my throat.

  “Is that all?” I ask. “You want me to keep the women calm in your absence?”

  “There is one more thing,” he says. I wait for him to continue, but he hesitates. He pats the bed, inviting me to sit beside him. I go to him, but sit some distance away.

  “I will come back to you, Lihua,” he says. “I promise.”

  I nod slowly.

  “But I am not a young man anymore. And anything could happen to me at any time. A horse could throw me and my life would be over.”

  “What are you—”

  “A son, Lihua,” he says. “I must have a son. There must be an heir to the throne should the unthinkable happen.”

  My mouth opens and closes on its own. “I…I’m sorry I am not with child—”

  He holds up his hand to stop me. “I know that you are not. And neither are any of the other ladies, according to Fiyanggu. But even since Caihong…” He shakes his head before the memory can carry him away. “Life has held very little joy for me. I have not had…had much motivation to fulfill that part of my responsibilities.”