Journey to Honor (Knights of Honor Book 4)

by Alexa Aston

  He tried to relax his clenched jaw and said, “Aye, I have a mother. But as a second born son, she lavished her attention upon my brother. As the heir to Shadowfaire, Roland rightly received all her time and interest.”

  “What?” she asked, sounding aghast. “That’s ridiculous! All children need both love and attention from their parents, no matter what their place is in the birth order.”

  Kenric stiffened at her words.

  “I’m sorry,” she rushed to apologize. “I sound as if I stand in judgment of your lady mother.” Avelyn paused. “Mayhap I am—and I find her lacking.”

  “I tend to agree with you,” he said lightly, “for we never spent time together. She was devoted to my brother and his needs. Roland was a sickly boy. She nurtured him. Read to him. Coddled him. She had no time for a younger son.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Hmm. And what of your father?”

  “My father was a great warrior,” Kenric said with pride. “He taught me all he knew. How to ride. Shoot. Hunt. Fight.”

  “All the important things,” she observed.

  “Aye,” he agreed, glad Avelyn understood what truly counted. But he saw the odd look that lingered on her face.

  “But did he love you?” she asked softly.

  Her question puzzled him. He’d never thought of love in terms of his father. He feared the man. Respected him. But love?

  “I suppose,” Kenric said, but he heard the hesitation in his voice as the words hung in the air.

  “You have no other brothers?”

  “None.”

  Avelyn fiddled with the chess piece still in her hand. “It makes me sad that you lived such a lonely existence.”

  He’d never admitted to himself how lonely he had been. It seemed he’d spent his entire life with no one to depend upon but himself.

  “I did spend a great deal of time on my own, but it helped to toughen me up. I wasn’t an easy child and was often punished—whether I was guilty or not.”

  It shamed him to admit it to her. He’d never voiced this thought aloud. It startled him that this noblewoman could draw such information so easily from him.

  “What do you mean?”

  Kenric decided to open up and tell her the truth. It might be cleansing.

  “My brother tended to be a mischievous child,” he began and then decided he would not censor his words. “Actually, Roland could be quite cruel at times. Abusing animals. Breaking items without provocation. I was often blamed for his actions.”

  Avelyn twisted the queen so tightly that he saw her knuckles go white. “So he lied.”

  The truth lay in the open. This beautiful woman, short of stature but wise in years, gave him the courage to speak about the unspeakable.

  “Yes. Often. And when he didn’t, Gussalen stepped up to lay blame at my doorstep.”

  “Who is she?”

  Just uttering her name brought distaste to him. “My mother’s old nurse. Gussalen was with her at birth and came to Shadowfaire when she married my father.” He thought a moment. “She would do anything for my mother. Roland, too. He favors our mother, while I look much as my father did.”

  Her brow creased. “You’re telling me that this Gussalen blamed you for your brother’s wrongdoing. You were punished for his poor actions simply because he was the elder and preferred by your mother.” Avelyn set down the queen. “Oh, Kenric.”

  He heard the anguish in her voice even as she took his hand in both her small ones. Tears swam in her blue eyes.

  “My heart hurts so for you. What a harsh upbringing you had.”

  She pulled his hand to her and tenderly brushed her lips on it. His heart sped up, pounding rapidly at the sweet gesture.

  This woman saw him for who he was, like no other before had. He told her things he’d never admitted to another soul, becoming transparent before her.

  His eyes met hers as Avelyn said, “I can tell you have a good heart, Kenric Fairfax. I’m sorry your mother and brother did not recognize it. And despite their ill will and lack of attention, you have become a fine man. A knight of not only physical strength—but strength of character. I know it was a lonely road, but you’ve made the journey to honor all on your own.”

  She pressed warm lips to his hand once more. Kenric brushed aside the tear that spilled down her cheek with his free one.

  “I’m glad you’ve found happiness at Sandbourne,” Avelyn said. “I hope you’ll remain there . . . and find even more.”

  *

  Lord Geoffrey and Lady Merryn came to see them off, accompanied by young Alys. Kenric couldn’t help but notice how close the lord and lady of Kinwick seemed to be. They stood arm in arm, not only physically close, but each had a glow about them that he had seen present only one other time—on Lord Michael and Lady Elysande’s faces. It was like their love was on display for all the world to see, without regret.

  “I hope you have a pleasant trip as you complete your journey to Sandbourne,” Lady Merryn told him. Her eyes twinkled as she said, “And I hope that you manage to win a game or two of chess in the future.”

  Lord Geoffrey shook his hand. “Thank you for bringing my daughter safely home from London.”

  “She was no trouble, my lord,” Kenric said, surprised that he felt that way. Alys de Montfort had proven to be a true delight, both on the road and after their arrival at Kinwick.

  Geoffrey sighed. “Alys is my easy one. Ancel, too. But young Hal?” He shook his head as the small boy ran wildly about the bailey chasing Cattus, who was to remain at Kinwick. “Hal is a big bundle of rambunctious boy. And I fear tiny Edward, he of the mighty lungs, will learn at his brother’s feet to be the same.”

  Merryn swatted her husband playfully. “You exaggerate, Husband. And while you believe Hal is a terror, I fear you should keep your eye on Alys. I’ve heard daughters put the gray in their father’s head of hair.”

  “She is already lovely, Merryn,” said Avelyn. “A miniature version of you. Alys will grow into quite a beauty.” She turned to Geoffrey. “Then Uncle will find himself beating the men away that flock to her. A whirlwind such as Hal will be nothing compared to the problems Alys may stir up—though none of her own making.”

  Geoffrey snorted. “Let these would-be suitors try to surround my daughter. She is a de Montfort. She has her mother’s fair looks, my keen intelligence, and Raynor has taught her to defend herself. She won’t be swayed by pretty words.” He turned and looked to where Alys said her goodbyes to Sela. “Mark my words, the man she lets through will be the one for her.”

  Avelyn kissed Geoffrey’s cheek and then Merryn’s. “I hope to see you both very soon.”

  “Now that Edward is a bit older, we’ll certainly come to Sandbourne,” Merryn assured her. “We’ll wait for news that Elysande has given birth and then visit shortly thereafter.” She embraced Avelyn. “Give her and Michael our love.”

  “And the same to my sister, Mary,” Geoffrey said. “We look forward to seeing her, as well. Godspeed to you.”

  Kenric mounted Firefall and then reached to draw Avelyn up with him. Martin did the same with Lady Sela. They gave a final wave as Kenric spurred his horse on.

  They traveled several hours without incident, stopping once around the noon hour to eat some bread and cheese that Lady Merryn thoughtfully provided. The respite served to also allow the riders to stretch their legs before they climbed back into the saddle.

  As they rode on, Kenric sensed his stomach clenching as they neared Shadowfaire’s lands. It was the reason he hadn’t wanted to stop at Kinwick. The road they’d taken from Sandbourne to London had not crossed this way, but the path from Kinwick back to Sandbourne would. If he tried to avoid it, he knew his men might question why they went so far out of their way to reach home. He was determined never to set foot at Shadowfaire again—especially after the last time he’d seen Roland and his mother when they attended his knighthood ceremony. The memories surrounding those events should remain pushed into the farthest recesses of
his mind, never to be recollected.

  Kenric tried to bring himself to enjoy his present circumstances. It was a lovely day in May with plenty of sunshine and a soft breeze from the south. Plus, he had a beautiful woman in his arms. Avelyn fit perfectly against him and he enjoyed the feel of her near him. He inhaled the subtle scent of vanilla that always clung to her, knowing he would never smell it again without thinking of her.

  He wondered about their budding friendship and how she had wormed from him things he had never spoken of with others. His thoughts drifted to their heated kisses, which caused his manhood to stir a bit. Kenric had never once thought of settling down with a single woman when so many fair maids lived scattered throughout the land. Besides, he’d dedicated himself to being a knight. Yet he now toyed with the thought of always remaining in one place.

  With this woman by his side—and in his bed.

  Kenric would have lazily stayed with such thoughts if he hadn’t spied the scout he’d sent out galloping toward them at breakneck speed. He motioned for the escort party to pull up and await the soldier’s arrival.

  The man came to a halt beside him. “My lord, riders approach who know you. They were looking for you,” he said, out of breath.

  Who? Why?

  A sick feeling rippled throughout Kenric. It had to do with Shadowfaire.

  He looked into the distance and saw two men on horseback heading their way. As they approached, he recognized Sir Jervis. The knight had been close to his father’s age and someone Walter Fairfax trusted implicitly.

  They pulled up alongside him with Jervis giving a friendly wave.

  “Sir Kenric. We are happy to meet up with you. ’Tis Gib with me.”

  He exchanged a brief nod with Gib. And then Jervis said, “We knew not where to look for you. Gib and I have been throughout the north and were returning home. ’Tis fate to have you cross our paths.”

  “Why was I needed? Did Lord Roland send you for me?”

  Jervis looked downcast. “Your lady mother is dying, my lord, and wishes to see you one last time.”

  Kenric felt Avelyn’s quick intake of breath since his arm pressed against her. He found it hard to believe his mother had requested his presence on her deathbed. He gripped Avelyn more closely.

  Before he could reply, she asked, “Are we far from Shadowfaire?”

  “Nay, my lady,” Jervis said. “You are but an hour’s ride from the keep.”

  Avelyn turned and told him, “We must go to her.”

  He frowned. “I will see you safely to Sandbourne first. I can leave once—”

  “Nay,” she interrupted, her tone firm. “Time could be of the essence. We should accompany you there. It’s only a short delay. You can send a rider ahead to let Elysande and Michael know about our change in plans. I insist.” Her sky blue eyes implored him as much as her words.

  “Very well,” he reluctantly agreed. Kenric knew Avelyn had a stubborn streak and he didn’t wish to argue with her in front of all of these men. He motioned a soldier over and told him to ride to Lord Michael with the news.

  They followed Jervis and Gib back to the estate. Only as they rode near did Kenric realize he had not asked about Roland and wondered how his twin fared. Roland had always been so close to their mother. Her death would devastate him.

  They reached the gates of Shadowfaire. Jervis signaled for them to be opened and the escort party rode through to the keep. When they reached it, Kenric dismounted and brought Avelyn to the ground, as did Martin with Lady Sela.

  Jervis issued orders. “Gib, take these men and their horses to the stables. Have them rubbed down and fed. And then have the men set up to stay the night in the soldiers’ quarters. Once that’s done, bring them to the great hall, for the evening meal will follow soon after.”

  Martin remounted and turned his horse to accompany the group that now rode toward the stables.

  Jervis led them up the stairs and they entered the keep. The hallway seemed dim after the bright light they left behind. A cold penetrated Kenric. Not a physical one, though the keep was always cool within, but he’d never sensed any warmth in this place.

  The knight stopped a servant and whispered a few words. The woman shot off to do his bidding. “Ladies, a chamber will be prepared for you to wash and rest in before the evening meal.”

  Just then, Kenric spied Gussalen. The old woman carried a tray with a bowl. He assumed it to be soup that she would try and feed to his mother.

  Gussalen caught sight of him and stopped in her tracks. A long look passed between them. He sensed Avelyn step closer to him and put a hand on his forearm. The servant lowered her eyes and continued on her way.

  “Gussalen?” Avelyn whispered.

  He nodded, not wishing to say the old woman’s name, so great was his contempt for her.

  The servant Jervis spoke to returned and led them upstairs to a chamber, assuring that hot water would be delivered soon. Sela entered the room.

  Avelyn stopped and faced Kenric. “Would you like me to go with you to see your mother?”

  Kenric longed for her to accompany him, but he needed to do this on his own.

  “Nay. I will look in on her and then locate my brother. I will see you later.”

  He turned and allowed Jervis to lead him down the corridor to a chamber that had been Roland’s as a boy. It reminded him again that his brother was now earl and slept in the solar.

  “I know not how the lady fares, my lord, since we were returning from our journey of the past month. I am sorry.”

  Kenric only nodded. No words came. His throat was thick with emotion. Steeling himself, he pushed the door open and entered.

  Chapter 12

  Kenric paused, allowing his eyes to adjust to the dim light of the chamber. He pushed the door behind him closed. Gussalen hovered over the bed and he walked toward her.

  Then he caught sight of his mother. Gray streaks ran through her golden hair. Her pale skin, flush with fever, glistened with sweat. Labored breathing let him know that her time on earth drew to a close.

  Gussalen’s head whipped around. “You!” she hissed. She dropped the wet cloth she held. Her hands balled into fists, ready to attack.

  “Sir Jervis informed me that Mother requested my presence.”

  Her sneer told Kenric what she thought of him. “She did. In a weak moment,” the servant admitted grudgingly. “I doubt she really wanted you back at Shadowfaire. You haven’t been missed—by anyone.”

  “Mayhap Mother wished to apologize to me for her neglect.” Kenric didn’t bother to keep the bitterness from his tone.

  “She was a good mother . . . to the one who needed mothering.” Gussalen glared at him. “You never wanted her fussing over you. You were your father’s boy, from your looks to your speech to your actions. You didn’t spare a moment to be kind to my sweet lady as a good son should.”

  His eyes widened in surprise. “Do you truly believe I didn’t need her? That I didn’t long for any sign of kindness from her?” He shook his head. “What I would have given for a single loving word or gesture from her. To have her stroke my hair. Cradle me in her arms. For her to tell me stories. Ask about my day.”

  Kenric snorted in disgust. “She never gave me a second thought once I came out of her womb because her every waking moment revolved around Roland.”

  Gussalen gave him a sly smile. “He was the firstborn, you know. ’Twas only fitting he receive the attention due an heir. Especially since he was frail from the moment of his birth.”

  He shook his head. “I’ll grant you that Roland did need special attention due to his poor health, but I was also her son. She owed it to me to be a true mother and not toss me aside.”

  The servant crossed her arms. “She owed you nothing. You were so large, you almost tore her apart as she gave birth to you. She could never have another child after you.”

  Kenric hadn’t known that. Guilt swept through him for something he’d had no control over.

  “And
you were your father’s boy, through and through. He took you under his wing. Walter Fairfax spent more than enough time with his second born son, teaching him the ways of being a man.”

  He couldn’t argue with that. His father had taught him well. So why did he feel as if neither parent had done their duty by him?

  Kenric shook off the sadness enveloping him. “I want to speak to her. Alone.”

  Gussalen shrugged. “If you must.” She stepped away from the bed and marched across the room.

  He watched the servant slip out the door before he turned back toward the bed. He drew a chair over and sat in it, his hands in his lap as he studied the woman lying there, a total stranger to him—as she had always been.

  She’d become skin and bones since he last saw her. Always a slender woman, she now seemed no bigger round than a twig. Her sunken cheeks only emphasized the wrinkles about her eyes and mouth. A pang of pity trickled through him at her gaunt appearance. Once, Lady Juliana Fairfax had been a great beauty. Now, she’d faded into nothingness.

  Kenric reached out to place a hand over hers. Her skin burned with fever. He wondered how long she had left.

  Suddenly, her eyes flew open, the pale blue burning brightly. A brief smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. Hope filled him that, though she had such little time left, they might reconcile the ill will between them.

  “You came,” she rasped.

  “Aye.” He did not reveal that he appeared at her bedside as an accident of fate.

  “I thought . . .” She paused and swallowed, her eyes closing. Then they opened with determination to continue on. “I thought you . . . might not.”

  “I would honor your request to attend you, Mother.”

  Her lips pursed. Rarely had he addressed her, much less by that title.

  “I am . . . glad . . . you came.”

  Kenric gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “So I am.” Although he could not forget the years of neglect, he would sweep it aside and treasure these last few moments with her.

  “Had to tell . . . you . . .” Her voice trailed off.