Journey to Honor (Knights of Honor Book 4)

by Alexa Aston

  “I wish to tell you why.” He kept his arms about her, needing her warmth for encouragement. “I fostered far from home, at Lord Forwin’s estate. I spent my youth at Longshire, first as a page, then a squire. Finally, I took my vows and became a knight.”

  “Was your brother, Roland, there with you?” she asked.

  “For a while. But his temperament and health weren’t suited to such a harsh climate. He returned to Shadowfaire and grew up there.”

  “Were you lonely without him?”

  “Nay. I thrived under Lord Forwin’s tutelage. But my closest friend, Hudd, warned me to stay away from Lord Forwin’s daughter. Lady Jannet was a beautiful but spoiled child. The day I received my spurs and took my knightly vows, she declared that she loved me and wanted us to wed.”

  Avelyn looked thoughtful. “Did this take you by surprise?”

  “Aye. I had barely spoken to her in all my years at Longshire. I told her I had just become a knight and that my duty was to her father. I didn’t wish to marry.” He sighed. “She told her father of her desire to wed me. Lord Forwin had already made other plans for Jannet to wed a wealthy earl, not a penniless knight like myself.”

  “Lady Jannet did not take this announcement well, I suppose.”

  Kenric grew still. “Nay.” The word came out a whisper. “That night, while the celebration went on recognizing my achievement, all those gathered danced under the moonlight, much like tonight.”

  Avelyn placed a hand against his chest. The gesture comforted him. Kenric forced himself to continue.

  “She went up to the parapet. Everyone stopped and stared at her. She said if we couldn’t be together, then she wanted to be with no man.” His eyes met hers. “Jannet threw herself from that great height, Avelyn. She killed herself. Because of me.”

  “But it wasn’t your fault.”

  “My head told me so, but my heart spoke otherwise. I knew she was slightly unbalanced, but I felt responsible for her death. I’d only won my spurs and knighthood that morning, and they represented my badge of honor. I hacked them off, believing I’d disgraced myself. My honor had fled. My code of chivalry seemed broken since I had not protected Lady Jannet and the family I was sworn to die for.

  “I have kept my spurs as a reminder of my lost honor.”

  “I’m glad you told me of this, Kenric.” Her palm touched his face. “Yet, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. In fact, I love you all the more. I hope you’ll reconsider and choose to wear your spurs once more. You have no blame in this matter. You didn’t lead Lady Jannet on or give her false expectations. You’re innocent of wrongdoing.” Avelyn smiled at him. “You are the most honorable man I know.”

  Kenric touched his lips to hers in a tender kiss. Just having told her of the events from long ago seemed to cleanse his soul. Mayhap Avelyn was right and he should, once again, wear his spurs.

  She broke the kiss and placed a hand against his chest. “Before you speak to my uncle, I also have something I need to tell you.” She worried her bottom lip and he saw she grew serious.

  Kenric released her. “Do you have a secret lover I must send away?” he teased, trying to change her mood. “Or, mayhap, two?”

  Avelyn took his hands. “Listen to me. I have something very important to share with you. I didn’t know how to before. I thought . . . well, never mind what I thought. You’re here now and you must know of this matter, as you told me of what you wanted me to know.”

  “What worries you so, dearest?”

  “Do you remember when we stopped at Shadowfaire on our way from London to Sandbourne?”

  “Aye. How could I forget my mother’s death?”

  She gripped his hands more tightly. “I fear how you will take this news.”

  A sense of dread filled him. “Tell me, Avelyn. I bared my deepest secret to you.”

  “You . . . are the Earl of Shadowfaire. Not your brother.”

  He dropped her hands and took a step back. “What? Are you mad?”

  “Roland was not the firstborn son, Kenric. You were.”

  He couldn’t comprehend her words. A fog seemed to surround him.

  Her words came out in a rush. “Gussalen told me. She was the only one present during your mother’s childbirth. She said you were the firstborn and that Roland came out after you. She lied because she hated your father—and you favored him strongly, while Roland looked like Lady Juliana. She denied you your birthright, Kenric, all because she thought you’d be just like your father.

  “And then she killed herself right in front of me. Your mother had died mere moments earlier. The truth then died with Gussalen.” Avelyn’s eyes swam with tears. “We didn’t know each other well then. I didn’t think you would believe me if I’d told you what I’d learned.”

  Kenric felt like he was drowning. He heard what Avelyn said, but it seemed a long way off. Rage filled him.

  “You use my mother’s passing and Gussalen’s death to speak such wicked lies? You selfishly want me to wrestle the title and Shadowfaire away from my twin brother and his unborn child, all because you desire that I possess them?”

  Avelyn reached out and placed her hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off.

  “I thought you’d be happy marrying me, even though I had nothing but my name to give. But I can see that’s not enough for you. That once you drew me into your web, you wanted more.”

  He took a step back. “I didn’t think you were like other women who hanker after riches, but I’ve sorely misjudged you, Avelyn Le Cler. For you to tell such outrageous lies just so you could become a countess—and at my brother’s expense? Such an untruth would never be believed by anyone, least of all me.”

  Kenric quaked with anger. “I trusted you. I loved you. And I was not enough for you. Mayhap, Lady Sela didn’t spread rumors about you. Mayhap, she had proof that you are a liar and a thief.” He glared down at her. “I want nothing to do with a woman of your sort, my lady.”

  “But you must believe me, Kenric,” Avelyn cried. “Gussalen did all of this. You should be the earl, not your brother.”

  “I would only become earl if Roland died and his unborn child is a girl.” He stared at her. “God forbid that should occur. But if it did, you would be the last woman I would ever want as my countess.”

  “Kenric!” She moved to touch him again.

  “Nay. Stay far away from me—and hold your tongue when it comes to my family. If you continue to repeat such lies, I won’t be responsible for what happens.”

  Kenric strode away, her pitiful cries falling on deaf ears.

  Chapter 24

  Avelyn’s world crashed around her. To go from the soaring elation of having Kenric tell her he loved her and wanted to wed her—then for her to tell him the truth regarding his birth and have him twist it in such a way that it drove a permanent wedge between them. Her legs gave way from under her. She pitched to the ground, doubled over as if he’d run his sword through her. Great sobs engulfed her, sweeping away all the good and leaving only heartache.

  Shakily, she rose to her feet. She mustn’t let anyone see her in such a state, least of all her mother. Lady Mary had looked years younger all day long, joy apparent on her face now that she’d wed a man of her choice. Avelyn would not ruin this day for her.

  Instead of blindly running from the stables, Avelyn drew from an inner reserve of strength and slipped out silently. As she headed back to the keep, she skirted the merrymakers, averting her tearstained face. Thankfully, no one called her name.

  Reaching her chamber, she spotted her sister emerging from the solar down the corridor. She supposed Elysande had put David to bed. Avelyn ducked inside and shut the door, hoping Elysande hadn’t seen her. She ran to her bed and fell upon it, bawling like a lamb that had lost its mother.

  A knock sounded at her door. “Avelyn?”

  She mashed her fist against her mouth. It was Merryn’s voice. She couldn’t let her aunt see her in this state.

  “Avelyn, are yo
u all right?”

  She heard muffled voices outside the door and supposed Elysande had joined Merryn. She’d better answer them.

  “I’m unwell,” she called. “Please . . . leave me be.”

  She buried her face into the pillow, trying to let it absorb the wail that erupted without warning.

  Then hands stroked her head and back. Avelyn sensed the mattress sink and knew she was no longer alone.

  She turned her head and saw Merryn. “Go away,” she muttered, burying her face again.

  “Does this have to do with Sir Kenric?” Elysande asked from her other side.

  Avelyn might as well get the worst over with. Mayhap, they would leave her alone to her tears if she shared with them what had occurred. She pushed up to a sitting position and nodded.

  “I made a disastrous mistake. I meddled where I shouldn’t have—and now I will pay the price for the rest of my life,” she choked out before she dissolved into tears again.

  Merryn rose and returned with a cup of wine. She pressed it into Avelyn’s hands. With a loving yet stern look upon her face, she said, “Drink this. We three are strong women and can solve anything together, but we need to know what we’re up against. Calm yourself. Then speak to us.”

  Avelyn took the wine and sipped it. The liquid burned a path from her throat to her belly.

  “Take deep, even breaths,” Elysande instructed.

  She did as her sister said. Between that and the wine, the flow of tears stopped.

  Only the emptiness remained.

  She handed Merryn the cup and rubbed her swollen eyes, not knowing where to begin.

  “Is everything all right?”

  Avelyn saw her uncle and Michael standing in the doorway. She hadn’t realized the chamber door was open. Geoffrey sized up the situation in an instant and ushered Michael inside, closing the door behind them. Both men came over to the bed. Avelyn took another deep breath so that she wouldn’t dissolve into tears again.

  “We’re here to help you, Avelyn. In any way we can,” Geoffrey said quietly.

  “It will be easier to share this only once,” she said. “I’d been waiting for you and Merryn to arrive to help me with a dilemma I faced. I wanted to speak to you about it after Mother’s wedding. I didn’t want it to be a distraction to her and Sir Charles’ happiness.”

  “Does this involve Kenric Fairfax?” Geoffrey asked.

  “Aye.”

  “I assume your feelings have not changed about him, and that you told Elysande and Michael?”

  “She did,” Elysande said when Avelyn couldn’t find the words to respond. “But something has happened this evening between the two of them.” She looked at Avelyn. “Do you think you can share it with us now?”

  Avelyn told them how she’d been with Lady Juliana when she passed away and the secret she’d heard Gussalen reveal to her mistress. How Gussalen had claimed a different order of birth for the twins due to her hatred of Walter Fairfax and that Kenric had been mistreated his entire life by his mother and brother.

  “He’s the rightful Earl of Shadowfaire,” she said. “I wanted to discuss this with all of you and come up with a way to tell him, but I ruined it tonight by telling Kenric of his birthright.”

  “Why did you decide to do so?” Michael asked. “If you’d waited all these weeks?”

  “Kenric told me before that he had nothing to offer me and would not allow a future for the two of us together. Something—or someone—changed Kenric’s mind, for he sought me out tonight. He proclaimed his love for me and said he wanted us to wed.”

  Avelyn paused and decided to reveal everything. “Kenric even told me why he didn’t wear his spurs as other knights do.” She quickly related what had occurred with Lady Jannet at Longshire and saw how affected they all were by the tale.

  “He wanted nothing but honesty between us and gave me the chance to reject him once he shared his story. Since he bared his soul to me, I wanted nothing hidden between us. That’s why I told him how Gussalen had wronged him all these years.”

  Elysande took her sister’s hand and pressed it against her cheek in comfort. “Oh, Sir Kenric has suffered. Even more than we can imagine.”

  “He didn’t believe me, Elysande. Kenric accused me of only wanting to be his countess. Of being like all those women at court who want nothing more than a fortune and title when they wed.” She wiped a falling tear away. “I told him it wasn’t true. That I only loved him but owed it to him to share what I had learned.”

  “And now he wants nothing to do with you,” Geoffrey concluded.

  Avelyn nodded. “I told him the truth, a truth that died with Gussalen. I have no way to confirm her words. It was better that he never knew than to hear the truth and reject it. Now he hates me and I’m afraid he’ll always doubt himself.”

  Her tears began again. Elysande and Merryn comforted her while Geoffrey and Michael spoke in hushed tones.

  Finally, Avelyn brushed her hands across her cheeks. “I’ve done him enough damage. I’ve ruined our chance for happiness together, for he will never trust me again. Mayhap, I should return to court so we won’t come into contact with one another here at Sandbourne.”

  “The news you informed him of hurt him deeply,” her uncle said. “He lashed out at you as its bearer. It’s best if he has time to think upon what you revealed.”

  Michael said, “Lord Sewell wishes for Kenric to accompany him to his home in the north. He’s most impressed with Kenric’s riding skills and way with horses. Sewell asked me if Kenric could return with him to help care for the horses he’s purchased during the journey home and to stay on a bit to work with his stablemen regarding training and breeding.” He paused. “I think allowing Kenric to go with Lord Sewell would give him time to think. I’ve done some of my best thinking while on the road.”

  Geoffrey gave Merryn a sad smile. “Sometimes, separation makes your heart realize what’s most important.” He clasped her hand and Avelyn saw tears well in both of their eyes. She didn’t know of the separation Geoffrey spoke of, but it obviously had impacted him and Merryn greatly.

  Avelyn turned back to Michael and nodded.

  “I’ll tell him tomorrow that he’s to travel with Lord Sewell. First, they must take Lady Sela back to her father before they head north with the new horses. That means Kenric will be gone several weeks, Avelyn. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  Her gut told her this might be their only chance. “I do. Thank you, Michael.”

  Elysande gave her an encouraging smile. “Sir Kenric will come to his senses. Whether he decides to challenge his twin for ownership of Shadowfaire or simply remain in service here at Sandbourne, I know your love for him will remain constant.”

  Merryn gave her a hug. “I know it’ll be hard to sleep tonight. I can give you a sleeping draught if you wish.”

  Avelyn thought how much she would toss and turn, a thousand thoughts closing in on her. “I would like that,” she told her aunt. She searched the faces of her loved ones. “Thank each of you for your concern. I’m truly blessed with family.”

  She only hoped that, one day, she would have a family of her own—with the man she loved.

  *

  Kenric dunked his head in the trough and pulled it out. Cold water dripped onto his bare chest, rejuvenating him after a long, blistering afternoon clanging swords with Lord Sewell’s men. He ran his hands through his wet hair, tired but satisfied at the day’s efforts.

  He’d come to work with the stable hands and discuss breeding and training techniques to implement in order to improve the current stock. Somehow, he’d managed to move into the training yard and had spent the last few weeks with Lord Sewell’s soldiers, teaching them all he knew of dueling and swordplay.

  More importantly, he’d used the time to push Sandbourne—and Avelyn Le Cler—far from his mind.

  “Sir Kenric? My father wishes to see you at once. You’ll find him in the solar.”

  Kenric turned and saw young Dr
ew Talbot standing nearby. The quiet, sturdy boy had become his shadow over the past few weeks, asking questions day and night. In a way, Drew reminded him of Hal de Montfort, curious about everything. Once Hal began speaking in full sentences, the boy would be much the same as the Talbot lad.

  It pained Kenric that he would never have a son like one of these boys. Never have a wife or a home to call his own.

  Never have Avelyn Le Cler in his life.

  He shook off the depressing thoughts. “I’ll change my clothing and report to your father immediately, my little lord,” he teased.

  Kenric stopped by the barracks and dressed in clean clothes so as to be presentable. He’d seen Lord Sewell only a few times since their arrival. From what he gathered from the other soldiers, the nobleman spent a majority of his time at court and only a few weeks each summer at his country estate in the north.

  He arrived at the solar and knocked. A deep voice bid him to enter.

  “Ah, Sir Kenric. Would you care to join me in a cup of wine?” asked Lord Sewell, dressed impeccably in midnight blue and gold.

  “Aye, my lord. I’ve been up to thirsty work. Wine would be most appreciated.”

  Lord Sewell handed Kenric a pewter cup and offered him a chair. They sat and discussed various horses in the stables. The nobleman was especially interested in the additions he’d bought from Lord Michael.

  “I appreciate all the knowledge you’ve shared with my men, Sir Kenric, both in the stables and the training yard. If Lord Michael would allow it, I would wish for you to remain on my estate in my service.”

  He wondered if that was a possibility. “I’ve enjoyed my time here, my lord. You have good men under you, especially your captain of the guard.”

  The nobleman snorted. “Lord Michael would never let me steal you away and I shan’t ask him to grant me that. But I have called you here to ask a favor from you.”

  “Anything, my lord.”

  “I know it’s time you returned to Sandbourne and I would ask that you take my son with you. I’ve arranged for Drew to foster with Lord Michael. In fact, I may send both my daughters to be under Lady Elysande’s tutelage when they come of age. It’s time I returned to court, for soon the king and queen will complete their summer progress and be bound for London. I have much to do there in order to prepare for this.”