“She is?” Justin’s voice cracked.
“Yeah—I love you.” I heard his breath freeze, and giggled. “You’re my closest friend and a very important and necessary part of my life.”
“You’re drunk, Reynolds,” he gasped, sounding relieved that I wasn’t actually declaring my undying love for him.
“No, I’m not,” I whined, but maybe I was. I don’t think I would have said that if I’d been sober. I’d never told him I loved him before. I did. I’d just never said it.
“You just drank a bottle of champagne, you have to be drunk.”
“There was a whole bottle in this glass?” I flipped it upside down, shaking it, proving its emptiness.
“Almost, and combine that with what you had before...” he trailed off. Okay, so he was right. I was drunk, but so was he.
I didn’t exactly have the highest alcohol tolerance, but Pam always bought whatever had the lowest content so she could drink longer. It’s just bad etiquette to be bombed when hosting a party. Then I realized he’d changed the subject on me.
“Hey wait,” I protested. “Don’t you feel the same way about me?”
“Well, yeah.”
“So tell me.”
“I just did.”
“No you didn’t. You might as well have said ditto,” I smirked. “Which is cheating.”
“Okay,” he paused a second. “Look at me.” I did, and we started laughing immediately. I spit a little on his face causing me to laugh harder as he wiped it away.
“Come on, Reynolds,” he complained. “You’re messing it up.”
“Annie,” I corrected him.
“What?”
“When you tell me you love me, call me Annie,” I instructed.
“Okay. A-n-n-i-e.” He distorted the sound of my name, dragging it out like an idiot.
We laughed again. I imagined we sounded like hyenas to anyone listening.
When we settled back down, Justin looked at me seriously, his blue eyes dark and smoldering. I felt like my insides had been flipped inside out. I can’t describe how it made me feel when he said the words.
“I love you, Annie,” Justin breathed. “You are my closest friend and the most important and most necessary part of my life.” My heart throbbed, my breath quickened as he rested his hand against my cheek. “I love you, Annie,” he repeated, and then we were kissing again.
“This may not be the best place for that, son.” Justin and I recognized Larry’s voice instantaneously. We stopped kissing and our eyes opened wide into one another’s. I was embarrassed by my posture once I realized the position we were in. Although Larry had directed the comment to Justin, I knew it was meant for both of us.
“Your mom asked me to make sure you hadn’t left.” I could tell from his tone, he was getting a kick out of catching us like this. I rolled to my side, pulling the blanket with me. It fell short of covering my face, barely making it to the base of my neck.
“Annie.” Larry nodded, his face full of amusement.
“Larry.” I looked away realizing my inability to hide from him. His mouth twitched as he fought the smile that kept creeping up, begging to become laughter.
I gave up on the blanket and clumsily rolled off the chair. “I’d better go,” I said, stumbling around, checking myself for anything that might be out of place. I touched my blouse, which was now un-tucked from my pants, making sure all of the buttons were buttoned, and then patted myself down, trying to find my pockets to get to my keys.
“Larry.” I nodded and then to Justin. I couldn’t even say his name. I’d hardly managed to glance at him for that half second, and then I headed straight for my car.
About halfway there I realized that I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t drive. I had three choices; stay, call a cab, or call my parents to come get me.
Justin startled me when he came up behind me. He was laughing because apparently I had been discussing my options out loud.
“You’re right, Reynolds. You definitely can’t drive. You should just stay here.” Justin looked at me in a way that he hadn’t before. Not like I was his friend, the girl he’d practically grown up with, but like I was a girl he wanted, a girl he’d just enjoyed having his hands all over.
Panic began to spread, chilling the blood in my veins to the point of numbness. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I think I’m going to call a cab.”
“You don’t have to.” Justin put his hands on my cheeks and smiled. I groaned and closed mine so I couldn’t see him anymore.
“This is weird Justin. I don’t know what that was but…” I didn’t finish my thought, out loud, anyway. I’m having a hard time getting what just happened out of my head, so I think it would be better if I left. He took a step toward me. My eyes flew open; I put my hands on his chest to keep him from coming any closer.
“We were making out,” he grinned, placing his hands on my waist. I shook my head to stop the memory from playing in my mind. “And we’re really good at it,” he added, a touch of a growl in his voice.
“That’s not the point.” I was in complete agreement with him. We were really good at it. But that didn’t change the fact that it shouldn’t have happened.
“It was wrong,” I stated firmly. “We’re friends and you’re probably dating someone who’s going to pop out of the bushes any moment now and yell surprise!”
“I’m not dating anybody and you’re overreacting.”
“No, I’m not. I have a boyfriend.” I cringed, thinking of what I’d just done to Ryan. “A boyfriend who trusts us,” I added.
Ryan had been so trusting of Justin and me at my insistence that he and I weren’t attracted to each other and that I hadn’t ever thought about being with him. But now—now I couldn’t say either of those things without lying, which was completely freaking me out. This was wrong on so many levels. I couldn’t believe I had allowed it to happen.
Justin and I were staring at each other intensely—too intensely. He leaned toward me, and my arms, which were supposed to keep him away, bent like overcooked spaghetti, allowing him to come closer. He softly pressed his lips to mine again. “Stay with me, Annie,” he whispered.
My mind was so foggy. And he was kissing my neck now. My fingers impulsively began to pull inward forming fists against his chest. I could barely breathe, hearing those words, considering the invitation, until I was able to hypothetically slap myself in the face and force myself to think rationally.
I was so attracted to Justin in that moment that it was hard for me to make myself say no, which really surprised me. I was in love with Ryan. How could I even consider…It had to be the champagne, I told myself, while praying that it actually was the champagne.
“We can’t,” I murmured and it took everything I had to push him away. I felt horrible because I wanted to give in. I wanted to go inside with him. I wanted to stay. It would have been so easy. All I had to do was take his hand, but there was no way I could. It would ruin everything.
“I have to go,” I murmured. “I’m calling a cab and I’m going home and I don’t want to talk about this again,” I said. My hands remained on Justin’s shoulders as I spoke, still leaned against him, which was a good thing. I’m not sure I would have been as strong if I were looking at him.
“We’re friends and this kind of thing ruins friendships all the time. We’re both drunk and I meant what I said back there. I don’t want to lose our friendship just so that we can experiment. It would end disastrously. Alcohol makes people do reckless things they later regret or have to go on Maury Povich for a DNA test over and I really don’t want to go on national television.”
Justin chuckled. I moved myself to look in his eyes.
“You know what I mean?” It took him a second, but he agreed. I could tell he wanted to talk me out of it, but I was glad he didn’t try.
“I do know, and I meant what I said to you, too, but I’ll do whatever you want,” he said quietly, stroking my hair.
&
nbsp; “Thank You.”
32
The moment I saw Ryan I had the sweetest feeling of certainty rush over me. I knew he was the one I wanted, that I was in love with him and what happened with Justin was nothing more than a champagne induced slip never to be repeated.
As he held me, I wanted to cry because I had betrayed his trust in me and because I had promised to be honest with him. But if I told him I’d kissed Justin, which would be sort of an understatement, he wouldn’t trust me to be alone with him anymore and there was no way I was going to lose either one of them. I knew the best thing for me to do was to pretend I’d dreamt it and keep my mouth shut.
Ryan took me back to his parent’s house. I didn’t ask why. I was too distracted with trying to seem normal. Like he’d be able to tell I’d been kissing another guy the day before just by looking at me. He told me a little about his trip on the ride over, but after that, he was quiet. I asked if everything was okay. He smiled and said he was just tired from the flight; something I realized wasn’t true when I woke up alone on the couch the next morning. He’d gone to bed and left me there. He’d never done that before. He always woke me or carried me to bed when he went.
There was definitely something bothering him. He’d left a note on the table under the keys to the BMW.
Annie,
Went to go hit some balls. Didn’t want to wake you. You can take the car if you want.
I love you,
Ryan.
I got myself together and drove to Lehman Park. Ryan’s car was the only one in the lot. It was freezing outside so there wasn’t exactly a line for the batting cages. As I got closer, I could see that he was on the phone. It looked like he was arguing with someone. When he saw me, the conversation came to an abrupt end.
I parked next to him and got in his car. He was upset, like his feelings had just been hurt. The first thing I thought was that he’d somehow found out about me kissing Justin.
“What’s wrong?” I asked carefully.
“Nothing,” he murmured.
“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. Please tell me what’s wrong.” He sighed, then smiled widely, flashing his bright white teeth in an effort to distract me.
“I’m fine, sweetie. Really.”
I started to open my mouth to object, but he didn’t allow it. “Have you eaten yet?”
“No, but—” he cut me off. “Let’s go get breakfast, then.”
I knew then that whatever had upset him had nothing to do with Justin and me. Ryan never would have held in his feelings about that. He put the car in gear and spun us out of the parking lot.
We picked up the BMW after breakfast and went back to his parents’ house. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time. He tried to worm his way out of my embrace.
“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s bothering you.”
Ryan finally gave up his small protests and tensely held me against him. He released a loud breath. I felt his body tremble, lightly jarring mine. His chest shook and his breathing became jagged. He was crying.
“Ryan, you’re scaring me.” Truth is, I was terrified. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
He released me and took a step back. “I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t do it again. I promised that I wouldn’t.” He sounded so defeated.
“What do you mean? What happened?” I prayed he hadn’t cheated on me, although after what I’d done with Justin I may have deserved it.
He didn’t look at me as he spoke. “Archer Hardwick called my dad while we were in Colorado and...” he sniffled, brusquely smearing at his eyes to rid of his tears. My heart began fiercely pounding. I was so afraid, although I wasn’t sure why yet. I just knew the reason Katie Hardwick’s father had called John wasn’t social. He wasn’t dying to have lunch, play a round of golf, or get the wives together for an evening out. They didn’t exactly run in the same circles from what Ryan had told me.
I leaned into him, putting my arms back around him. I wanted the comfort of being held. His arms tightened around me.
“He said it’s mine,” Ryan mumbled, weeping in my hair.
“He said what is yours?” I asked vacantly.
“The baby,” he whimpered, clutching me harder, desperately. “Katie had a baby. They’re saying she got pregnant prom night.”
I heard his words, but they couldn’t soak in as they were. My brain resisted, trying to rearrange them, to compel them to say something else. Something other than Ryan had a baby with another girl. Anything other than that.
I was able to remain calm even though I felt like I should be crying too, but nothing was happening. I didn’t understand how I was being so reasonable, so level headed. I should have been tearing the place apart and screaming like a crazy person, but for some reason my brain wouldn’t allow me to react that way.
The first thing that crossed my mind was my health and an ironclad way for that baby not to be his. “Didn’t you use protection?” I had told him before that I didn’t want any details about what happened with Katie, but I needed to know that one.
“Yes, and that’s why I don’t think it’s mine.” His tone had a harsh edge. I knew condoms weren’t a hundred percent effective and pinning my hopes on his ability to correctly use one when he had been so wasted was desperate of me, but I didn’t want my boyfriend, someone I had imagined marrying and having children of my own with some day to have a child with someone else.
“I can’t believe this,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, Annie.” He slid his hand over my cheek, his weary eyes finally meeting mine. And that’s when I felt it, looking into his eyes. The sadness forced my tears to begin to fall.
“How long have you known?”
“Four days.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not exactly the kind of thing you tell a person over the phone and when I saw you last night the only thing I could think was that I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew telling you that I might have a baby with Katie would break your heart. I wanted to wait until after the paternity test to say anything.” He took a deep breath, his voice softened. “I thought I would deal with it once the results came back.”
I couldn’t blame him for wanting to spare my feelings. But what did he think? That we would have a big laugh over it later. Hey, remember the time that girl said I was the father of her baby? Yeah, that was hilarious!
“I can’t believe I was so stupid,” he said, his hands pulling at his own hair.
I sniffled, watching him, and uneasily asked the dreaded question. “What will happen if it’s yours?”
Ryan’s eyes flew back to mine. “Annie. I don’t want to think about that. I can’t be the father of that baby,” he breathed.
“I don’t want to think about it either, but you’ve had four days to process the possibility and discuss it with your parents so I know you know what will happen if it’s yours and I want you to tell me,” I said, my voice commanding.
“I don’t want to,” he said faintly.
“Tell me!” I demanded, glaring at him. “What will happen if Katie Hardwick’s baby is yours?”
“They want us to get married,” he whispered, his voice marred. I knew they were their parents. His mother must have been elated. Ryan would be forever tied to the person she’d chosen for him and now, if Katie’s child was Ryan’s, she would receive her golden ticket into the world she’d been trying to claw her way into.
I felt dizzy. The room was moving, whirling around my head, making me nauseous. I could almost hear the tingling in my head as my brain gave out, along with the rest of me.
I saw Ryan when I woke up. He was sitting in the chair next to my bed. He got up and stood beside me as soon as my eyes blinked open.
“How do you feel?”
It took a moment for my brain to wake once I had him in focus. “What happened to me?” I croaked, coming slowly back to life. He was looking at me wit
h empty eyes. Then it hit me, the reason I was here in the hospital, the reason I had passed out.
“You fell and hit your head on the coffee table.” Passed out, actually. “You have twelve stitches. You were completely knocked out cold. You scared me to death. There was so much blood.”
Oh shit, Valerie’s carpet, I thought. “Did I ruin the carpet?” He smiled, and I almost got a laugh out of him although I seriously wanted to know if I’d ruined her carpet.
“I think it’ll be fine. She had a company come take care of it.”
“Is she pissed?”
“No. I told her what we were talking about before you collapsed. She seemed understanding—especially for her.”
I doubted it. She was probably just putting on a good show for her son. I imagined she was hoping I would never wake up. Situation settled.
“When are you taking the paternity test?” I asked.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“I want to come with you.”
“I don’t think you’ll feel up to it.”
“I’m going with you. I don’t care if I have to go in a wheel chair, or if you have to carry me. I’m going with you,” I said plainly. His eyes moved to meet mine. “This affects me too.”
“We won’t know anything for at least three days.”
“It still affects me whether it takes three days or three years.”
“You’re right. It does,” he paused. “And I will carry you if you need me to.” He smiled at me. It was beautiful on the surface, but wounded underneath.
I knew the results could potentially destroy us, and so did Ryan, but I wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines and wait for the deathblow to be delivered secondhand. I wanted to know exactly what was happening from then on out.
I was fine the next morning. A bit of a headache, but I was going to live. The band-aid in the bend of my elbow felt like it had been super glued in place. I insisted that since we were already going to be waiting for life changing test results that should have STD tests while we were there, just to be sure. I didn’t know Katie or her habits and neither did Ryan, really, but if he had given her a baby through a condom, she could have just as easily given him something as well, which could have possibly been passed on to me.
SWAY (Part 1) Page 22
