Ryan and I were strained and although we spent most of our time together, we were distant and didn’t talk much. We were both pretty wrapped up in our own heads. The waiting was getting to both of us, so he decided to spend the weekend at his house in Harmon and come back on New Year’s Eve.
I was a little relieved when he left. I needed some time away. He promised to call me if the results came in before then.
I wanted to see Justin. I knew it would make me feel better and distract my brain from the impending doom the paternity test results may hold. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas. He and Pam had dropped my car off the next night. He’d left me a note inside.
Annie,
I promised not to say anything and technically, I’m not. I just want you to know that I still need my friend. Please don’t take her away from me over the thing that we can’t talk about. I miss her already.
Justin
I called him and when I heard his voice, I felt like I’d been punched in the chest, realizing how easily we could have completely trashed our friendship, just thrown it all away.
“I miss you, too,” I said when he answered.
He laughed. “You’re not crying again, are you?”
I said no, but I was crying a little.
“Knock it off and come over. I wanna see you.”
I hadn’t told Justin about my head, because I didn’t want to tell him what it was that had shocked my system so badly it was forced to shut down. I pulled the sides of my hair back and put them in a large barrette to conceal my healing injury before I went over.
I didn’t want to tell Justin that Ryan possibly had a child, but I didn’t want to keep it from him either. I figured if I was lucky, there wouldn’t be anything to tell him after we got the test results, so I decided to wait until I knew something for sure.
I was relieved that neither of us was awkward with the other, and that what I’d thought I felt for him Christmas night wasn’t how I felt at all. Everything was as it had always been, which I was grateful for. I was also grateful that Pam and Larry were on their best behavior. I did wonder if Pam didn’t say anything because her memories of that night were as fuzzy as most of mine, or if Justin had threatened not to come back home if she blabbed.
Although Pam offered, I stayed away from anything with alcohol in it. I also steered clear of the back porch. The mistletoe was still scattered across the ceiling beams and Pam decided she liked the love beds so much that she bought them. So now, I could view the scene of my and Justin’s transgression anytime I wanted.
33
I got to Ryan’s parent’s house about seven. We were going to try to go out and celebrate the New Year, which would prove to be difficult under the circumstances. We still hadn’t received the paternity test results, but both of our blood tests came back clean, which eased my mind and gave me hope that the paternity results would also come back in our favor.
John pulled into the driveway behind me. I met him at the front steps.
“Hello, Annie,” he said, his expression limp, his green eyes sad and dark. He looked as if he hadn’t been sleeping well. “I just talked to Ryan. He’s inside with Valerie.” He looked down at his briefcase. “I’m glad you’re here. I have the test results.”
“Oh,” I breathed out heavily. The thought overwhelmed me. I pinched myself hard to keep from crying. “Have you seen them? Do you know?” I whispered.
“No, Ryan told me he wanted to be with you when they were opened.”
I smiled a half smile at him. “This is killing me.”
“I know, sweetie. It’s doing the same to him. He really loves you.” John put his arm around me and we went inside. I quickly reminded myself that I could not cry. I was all made up and ready to celebrate. Hopefully, that’s what we would be doing once we had the next ten minutes behind us. Straighten up and be strong, I commanded myself.
Ryan was sitting at the bar in the kitchen. His mother was on the opposite side. They were leaned into each other, clearly having a very serious talk. I smiled sweetly at him. He smiled back and came to hug me.
“You look beautiful,” he whispered. He held me a long time, until his father cleared his throat and asked everyone to sit at the table together.
Ryan and I sat across from John and Valerie, who was trying to ignore me, which was probably best. We all looked like we’d just left a funeral, scared to death that one of us was next. Even Valerie. It surprised me that she seemed so concerned. I wondered if it was genuine, or just for show. Or if she was more worried that the baby wasn’t Ryan’s.
Ryan and I decided to look at the results together. I imagined our reactions would give John and Valerie the answer.
I’ve never before been so terrified of an inanimate object. A simple letter sized envelope lay on the alder breakfast table with a piece of paper neatly folded, placed inside by a stranger who already knew the fate of my relationship.
My hands were clammy. My skin felt so frozen that I would have sworn my blood was ice cold and as colorless as my skin. Everyone was completely silent and still as Ryan opened the envelope and unfolded the paper.
We leaned in, our eyes scanning the page for the percentage, and there it was. The deathblow. The truth. The proof. Neither one of us said anything. Neither one of us moved. Ryan’s hand relaxed, allowing the paper to fall to the table.
John picked it up and he and Valerie saw for themselves. Katie Hardwick’s baby was their grandchild—no longer a possibility—a definite reality. I hadn’t even asked if it was a boy or a girl. Not that it mattered.
I felt broken and disfigured on the inside. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the person I was entirely in love with had a child with another woman. Now, he would have to leave me to be with her and their baby.
I felt the warmth of my tears against my blood drained face. I put my hand on Ryan’s. “Look at me,” I whispered in sob-filled breaths. He didn’t move. “Please.” He gradually twisted slightly to face me. His eyes were empty. I couldn’t see the boy I loved in them anywhere.
“I love you. I know you know that. And I remember what you told me about marrying Katie.” My voice broke. “That it’s what everyone wants, and I think they’re right. I decided that if the baby was yours that I would let you go and walk away and that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting you go, Ryan.”
The pain in my chest was so intense that it felt like my heart was actually breaking. Ryan stared blankly back at me. It was as if he had vanished. I wasn’t sure if he’d heard anything I’d said to him, but that was all I could do. I stood up. I don’t know how I was able to remain even, and turned and walked out of the house. Nobody tried to stop me. Nobody said a word.
When I stepped outside, cold air slapped me in the face, rousing me. I felt like I was taking my first breath after being caught underwater as if I had finally made it to the surface, gasping for air until my brain figured out that I wasn’t actually drowning.
The frigid air burned my throat and seemed to amplify the pain in my body. My insides knotted up, my heart ached. My brain throbbed as I struggled to shove it all away. Ryan, the baby, Katie, the thought of the two of them making that baby.
I didn’t make it down the steps before I became hysterical, crying. My body was overloaded by it all. It couldn’t comprehend how to process the agony. I wanted to scream. I needed to scream. I ran to my car and slammed the door closed and let it out.
34
The street in front of Justin’s house was covered with cars. I walked in without knocking or ringing the bell and went straight to the kitchen where I knew there would be any kind of alcohol I could imagine. I took a shot of whiskey, straight, then mixed another in a glass of Coke, and then went hunting for Justin. He was outside on the back porch. It was pitch black, except for the twinkle lights still dangling from the pergola. At least the mistletoe had been taken down.
“Reynolds,” Justin, gasped, surprised to see me. “Thought you were going out with what’s his
face tonight.” I could see the brightness of his teeth as his grin widened. When he got closer, his expression changed, his smile disappeared.
“What the hell happened to you?” I didn’t think to check my face before I came in. I’d bet a million that my eyes were black—smeared mascara.
“You look like you just got your ass kicked.”
“Sort of.” I felt like I had anyway. Then my eyes welled up and spilled over again.
“He didn’t hit you, did he?” Justin screeched.
“No—no.” I shook my head.
“What happened, then?”
“Ryan’s prom date had a baby two weeks ago. We just found out it’s his. I broke up with him so he can marry her and live happily ever after.”
Justin stared back at me, slack jawed, shocked. “He has a baby?”
“Yes,” I wept.
Justin put down his drink and held me against him. He kept saying how sorry he was for me. I felt safe, that I could let it all go while in his arms. I cried and it didn’t take long for the guests who were outside to go back in and leave us alone.
My tears finally dried, but I didn’t want to let go of Justin. I didn’t want to move. I wasn’t sure I could. It was horrible for me to think this, but I imagined for an instant that I would forget Ryan faster if I moved on, and why couldn’t I do that with Justin?
“I knew it! I knew you were with her!” I heard a distraught voice shout. I still didn’t move, even when I realized it was Eve. She was in a hooded sweatshirt standing in the dim light flooding on her from the back porch. She was crying as she climbed the back steps. She looked at me, unaffected by my smeared face.
“He told me you weren’t here, but I knew he was lying!” she screamed. “I knew he was with you!” She looked possessed and I didn’t want to provoke her, but I also wasn’t in the mood for her shit. I had my own to deal with.
Justin let go of me, but didn’t leave me. He coiled his hand around my wrist. “She wasn’t here when I talked to you. She just got here.”
“Why were you holding her like that if there’s nothing going on between you?” she sobbed, swinging her arms; the sleeves of her too-big sweatshirt sliding past her hands, limply flopping toward me as she complained. “I don’t want you touching her!” she yelled. “I don’t want you touching her like you touched me.”
Eve fell to her knees on the steps, weeping and then I realized that she was just as broken hearted as I was. At that moment, she and I were the same. We were both in love with people we couldn’t have, although the reasons were different. Neither one of us wanted to think about the boys we loved being with someone else.
I looked at Justin and we mutually agreed with our eyes that he should go to her. I went inside and cleaned up my face. I had no idea how she could have ignored how I looked. Apparently, she had been hell bent on catching Justin with me. I imagined that once he explained that Eve would still ignore the circumstances of my being there.
I dropped Visine into my eyes, smeared on some lip-gloss, and stared at myself in the mirror. “I can live through this,” I said to my reflection, too numb to know if that was the truth or not.
I told Pam what happened with Eve and she went to check on the situation, as she called it. It had been almost an hour and they were still outside talking. Eve had a blanket wrapped around her and I knew there was no way she was going to leave willingly, at least not while I was there. But I wasn’t going anywhere, and I knew Pam wouldn’t allow her to stay—especially in that condition.
The doorbell rang non-stop after eleven, guests trying to hurry in before midnight. I was eventually able to tune out the chiming. I think my drinking helped fade the sound.
I stood watching a group of guys play a game of quarters that also used a deck of playing cards and Trivial Pursuit questions. It was a nice distraction and a little funny at times. If a player’s quarter didn’t make it into the glass they had to draw a card from the deck. The number on the card represented the number of drinks they had to take. They could get out of drinking if they correctly answered a Trivial Pursuit question. If they drew an Ace then they could save it and later pass their drinks on to someone else.
I was lost inside my own head when I felt a hand slide down my arm. Ryan’s fingers intertwined with mine. I closed my eyes, taking in how good it felt just to be near him. He leaned closer and whispered, “Come outside with me please, I need to talk to you.”
Unable to take our eyes off each other, Ryan led me out to the front yard. “Come home with me, Annie,” he breathed. I wanted to say yes immediately, but I did still have a little bit of sense about me. As much as I would have loved to spend one more night with Ryan, I couldn’t.
“I can’t. It’ll only make it harder for me to let you go if I stay with you tonight.”
“I don’t want you to let me go, Annie. I love you. I want to be with you. Always. I’m not marrying Katie. My parents can’t make me. I’m not making plans with anyone but you.” He smiled at me. “I want us, you and me, to decide what will be best for us.”
“I’m not really in the best shape to have a serious talk,” I admitted. I mean, I had been trying to forget him with the aid of mixed drinks until five minutes ago.
“I didn’t say we were going to talk about it tonight.” The countdown began from inside the house, followed by an uproar of Happy New Year wishes, and loud cheering. Ryan kissed me and it cleared my mind of everything except for the two of us.
***
Ryan and I savored every moment of our night together. It felt like the beginning of something new, rather than the ending I had expected. We were in our own little bubble. I knew it would soon burst and force us back into our reality, but we would be ready.
The next morning I was awakened by Ryan’s whispers in my ear. He said the most beautiful things to me. I thought my heart would burst from the pure joy I felt.
His parents asked us to come over to discuss our situation. I was too happy to care how his mother would react to seeing us draped all over each other when we showed up. I didn’t care what she thought, said, or did. Ryan was choosing me. He was choosing me over what Valerie wanted for him. I knew she would be furious and would probably put up one hell of a fight, but Ryan and I were in love and not even Valerie could change that.
John began the conversation by saying how much he liked me and how he appreciated what a positive effect I had on Ryan. Valerie fiddled with her manicure as John spoke, seeming bored, clearly not in agreement with him. I think she was more excited yesterday when I told Ryan I was letting him go so that he could marry Katie.
Ryan and I couldn’t stop watching each other, communicating with our eyes. Then he said something that shocked everyone, including me.
“I’m not marrying Katie. I’m going to give up my rights to the baby,” Ryan announced, jolting me from fantasy land.
“You can’t do that!” I unconsciously protested, which got Valerie’s attention.
“I can, and I’m going to,” Ryan said sternly. “I don’t want a life with her. I want you. I’m not giving you up. Not ever.”
“You don’t have to give up your child to be with me. It won’t be easy, but we’ll work it out.”
John chimed in, “Annie’s right. You can’t give up your son anyway, Ryan. He’s always going to be yours.”
“Son. The baby’s a boy.” I hadn’t realized I’d said it out loud until everyone silently stared at me.
“Jacob Lucas Hardwick,” Valerie declared proudly. “Katie plans to change his last name to Ryan’s now that she has proof that Jacob is his.”
What she meant was, that act made it final. The child had an identity. He was no longer a thing between us. He was a baby boy that would soon have his father’s name, Ryan’s name. The name I wanted for our children and myself.
“She could give him my entire name and it still wouldn’t change the way I feel,” Ryan protested.
“I don’t want you regretting your choice later on, and I defini
tely don’t want you to choose this way because of me. Having a relationship with your son doesn’t mean you have to have one with Katie.”
Valerie’s expression soured. “Outside of your child, I mean.” I clarified for her sake.
Ryan shook his head. “I don’t want any kind of relationship with her. She’s always going to be in the middle of us, coming between us. I won’t let it happen.”
“Your son needs his father—” He interrupted me. “She’ll find someone else. I wasn’t the only guy who could have been that kid’s father. There were two others tested.” This was the first time I’d heard that. My eyes widened in surprise.
“I know you didn’t want to hear what happened, but she initiated it and I didn’t participate much...”
Seriously. That made me furious. I shook my head. He was trying to get out of taking responsibility for his part in this whole situation, trying to lay all the blame on Katie.
“What a shitty thing to say.”
“Well, it’s true,” he said.
“Whatever Ryan! You may not have started it, or participated much, according to you, but you did allow her to climb on top of you and get pregnant when a couple of words like, don’t or stop would have made a huge difference in all of our lives. None of us would be sitting here in this situation right now if you’d pushed her off of you, or spoke up, so don’t even start that shit with me. It’s not all her fault. And it’s certainly not that baby’s fault. He didn’t ask for any of this, and according to me, Ryan, you did participate, and now you need to step up and be a parent to Jacob.”
When I was finished, I realized John and Valerie were staring at me, dumbfounded, from the looks on their faces. Ryan put his hands over his face and slowly let them slide down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and let it out. “I know.” His voice was strained. “This is my fault and I’m trying to fix it.” He looked at me as if pleading for me to give in to his wishes. I wasn’t going to. That was his kid no matter how he came to be and Ryan was going to take responsibility for him.
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