I Know I've Been Changed

by ReShonda Tate Billingsley

  The smile left my face. “Going? You have to leave?”

  “Yeah, babe. Gotta run. Got a meeting to be at this evening.” He picked up his keys.

  “I was hoping we could rent a movie or something.”

  He kissed me again. “With all the planning you have to do, I wouldn’t think you’d have time to watch a movie.”

  “What about dinner? Have you eaten?” I asked as he headed to the door.

  “I’ll pick something up on my way to my meeting. Love you.”

  I stood there watching with mixed emotions as Myles walked out, again. On one hand I was ecstatic about my impending nuptials and the thought of us having a child. On the other hand, I could only hope that my marriage wouldn’t end up with more nights like this.

  Chapter 18

  “Hey, big sis.”

  I smiled as I recognized Justin’s voice. “Hey, little brother. What’s up?” I propped the cell phone between my ear and shoulder as I turned down the fire under the shrimp Creole I was cooking. “I thought you’d lost my cell phone number, seeing how you never use it.”

  Justin laughed. “Seeing how you swore you’d put a hit out on me if I gave it to anyone, I was scared to use it.”

  “Whatever.” I wiped my hands on a kitchen towel and made my way back into the living room, where I stretched out on my chocolate leather sectional.

  “Just wondering why you haven’t been to see me.”

  My smile faded. I hated having this conversation with my little brother. He brought it up every so often. I had written Justin a letter several years ago explaining why I could not come see him. I had told him he could come see me whenever he wanted, but he was always so sick, he was never able to visit. “I thought you understood why I can’t come back.”

  “Yeah, but you know I can keep wishing you’ll change your mind,” he said wistfully.

  I tried to change the subject. “How are you feeling, really?”

  “Oh, same ol’ same ol’. One cough away from death.”

  “Justin, don’t say that.” Although I loved my little brother, I got so down whenever I talked to him. Another reason I avoided talking to him.

  “Sorry, when you’re laying up in a hospital bed all day, pretty much all you do is think morbid thoughts.” He sighed.

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know he was back in the hospital.

  “I thought Mama Tee said you were going home.”

  “I did. For about two weeks, then I came down with pneumonia, so I’m back.”

  I felt my heart getting heavy. The last time we’d talked, I’d cried for an hour afterward.

  “Do you use the PlayStation I sent you?” I asked, trying to lighten the conversation. My little brother never asked me for anything so I made it a point to send him things whenever I could.

  “Sometimes, but the nurses gave me some crap about it interfering with medical equipment. That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.”

  “I was wondering if you were too old for that.”

  “Are you crazy? You’re never too old for PlayStation!”

  I laughed. “What about the CDs? Did you get those?” I knew he was a big rap fan, so I’d sent him the latest rap CDs, with one signed by some local rapper who had appeared on my show.

  “Yes, and thank you. But I told you to stop sending me stuff. Shondella is always bitching about how selfish you are. I don’t understand why you want to keep all that you do for me a secret.”

  I didn’t expect him to understand, but Shondella was the type who would throw my generosity toward Justin in my face. “I just do. And don’t think I didn’t catch you cursing.”

  “You keep forgetting, I am grown. Even though no one around here seems to think so.”

  “Ummm-hmmm. Anyway, it’s just better that no one knows. Shondella is a trip and it would just cause more problems. Now, when do you get to leave the hospital?”

  “Actually, I’m checking out this evening. Mama Tee is on her way to get me.”

  “That’s great, Justin.”

  “Tell that to somebody else. Anyway, how’s life as a big-time TV star? You had a chance to meet Shaquille O’Neal yet?”

  “No, but I did interview Malcolm Long.”

  “Wow!” Justin got silent. “I wish I could leave Sweet Poke,” he said softly.

  I felt myself fighting back tears. My little brother had never had much of a life. Leukemia had kept him sidelined most of the time. In fact, doctors had said he wouldn’t live past ten, then it was thirteen. And here he was, twenty-two years old and still hanging on. But it wasn’t a normal, healthy life.

  “I hate it here. I hate being constantly stuck in this hospital. Can’t I come live with you? I’m grown, so it’s not like I need anybody watching after me. Or better yet, I can convince Mama Tee to let me come to the family reunion next week. Then you can convince her to let me stay there,” he said hopefully.

  I would have let Justin come live with me in a heartbeat. I lost all selfishness when it came to my baby brother. But Mama Tee wasn’t even trying to hear that. Justin could lapse into serious bouts of sickness. And I think even he knew that he needed someone who was skilled with him at all times.

  “Justin, we’ve been through this before. You know Mama Tee wants you to be there so she can keep an eye on you.”

  “Please, Rae. Please, please, please,” he begged. I almost smiled, because he sounded like my thirteen-year-old brother again.

  “Justin, you know I can’t do that.”

  Justin was quiet, and I thought I heard sniffling.

  “Justin, don’t be mad.”

  “Shondella was right,” he snapped. “You are selfish. She said you want to forget we exist, that you just don’t want to be bothered with none of us.”

  “Justin! That is not true and you know it.”

  “If it wasn’t true, you would’ve come to see me by now. You don’t even know what I look like now.”

  My heart sank because he was so right. I didn’t even have any current pictures of him. Mama Tee had given me one the last time I’d gone to Sweet Poke, but he was fifteen in that picture. I don’t know, I guess having pictures led to memories and questions—stuff I just didn’t want to deal with. “Justin, it’s not like that—”

  “I gotta go. I don’t feel so good.” Before I could say another word, he hung up the phone.

  Chapter 19

  It was Friday and I was spending another night alone. I was so sick of this. After Myles and I got married, things were gonna have to change. I refuse to sit at home all the time while he stays out in the streets. I don’t care if he is working, as he always claims to be. He is going to have to make time for me and the baby.

  I rubbed my stomach and thought about the life growing inside me. “I’m going to do right by you, little one,” I muttered. It was a girl. Call me crazy, but I just knew in my heart that my baby was a girl. I’d already picked out a name, Angelique. I wanted something classy.

  I kicked back in the love seat, grabbed the remote, and began flipping through the channels. Nothing was on so I left it on CNN. A few minutes later, my phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said, snatching it up.

  “Hey, girl. What’s up?”

  “Hey, Shereen. What are you doing?”

  “Just chillin’. You feel like company?”

  “Sure.”

  “Then come open the door.”

  I looked toward the front door. “What?”

  “Open the door; I’m outside.”

  I pushed the mute button on the television remote, got up, and went to open the door. “How’d you get in the gate?” I lived in a gated community. Not that I minded Shereen visiting, but I didn’t like the thought that someone could get through without calling.

  “I followed someone in,” she said as she walked past me.

  I closed the door. “Only one car is supposed to be able to go through that gate at a time.”

  “Hope you’re not paying extra for tha
t. If you are, you got gypped. I followed someone in and someone else followed me in.” She dropped her purse on the sofa. She was clad in a long, flowing skirt, a baby blue blazer, a tight short-sleeved T-shirt that said FREE BOBBY BROWN, and some open-toe sandals. Several bangles adorned her arm and her neck was draped with three different necklaces.

  I made a note to complain to the homeowners’ association as I followed Shereen into the living room.

  “I just left my date. He thinks I’m still in the restroom.”

  “What? Why’d you leave?”

  “Girl, he’s African, and he started talking that nonsense about how he believes a man should be allowed to have more than one wife.” She shook her head. “You know I don’t waste my time, so I left.”

  “Without even saying good-bye?”

  “Without even saying good-bye.”

  “Dang, and I thought I was cold.”

  “Yeah, well, speaking of cold, what you got to drink?” She removed her jacket and threw it across my wing chair.

  “There’s some wine in the refrigerator. You want some?”

  She nodded, then made her way to the kitchen. A few minutes later, she was back on the sofa, her wineglass filled to the brim.

  “So where’s Myles?”

  “Where is he always?” I replied in disgust.

  “Hey, ain’t nothing wrong with a hardworking man.”

  “I know, but things are going to have to change after we get married.” I sat down across from her.

  “Girl, please. Don’t you know you can’t change a man? What you see is what you get.” Shereen gulped down all of her wine. “Since you can’t drink for a while, let me have that bottle.” I shook my head as she got up, made her way back into the kitchen, and grabbed the bottle.

  I leaned back and relaxed as she returned and sat back down on the sofa.

  “So, how’s work? Any more crazy calls?” Shereen asked. I had told her about the cryptic phone calls I’d been getting at work. I’d had two more in the last week. Each time it was a vaguely familiar voice spewing obscenities.

  “No, but I let security know about it. Hopefully it’s just some crank caller. Between that and Dina giving me a hard time, my job is starting to get on my last nerve.”

  “What? You have a dream job.”

  “I know. I just feel empty. I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not getting as much fulfillment out of it anymore. I—”

  “Hey, turn that up,” Shereen cut me off, motioning toward the TV.

  “Why, who is that?” I reached for the remote to turn up the volume.

  “That’s the governor of New Jersey. Did you hear what happened? He came out the closet. He’s married and everything. What is this world coming to?”

  We both watched as the governor held a press conference announcing he had had an intimate relationship with another man. Throughout the whole press conference, his wife stood proudly by his side.

  “That’s a lot of love,” Shereen said. “You know he’s history. Secrets, I tell you, they can destroy a man’s political career.”

  I cut my eyes at her, wondering if she was trying to throw me a hint. Shereen didn’t respond to my funny look. Instead, she turned her attention to something else—the latest issue of O magazine on my coffee table. She picked it up and started flipping through it. “Ooooh, rate your relationship,” she said, reading from one of the pages. “Gimme a pen.”

  I reached over, grabbed a pen off the end table, and handed it to her. “You don’t have a relationship to rate.” I laughed.

  “I’m not rating my relationship. I’m rating yours.”

  I hesitated, but she had me intrigued. “Cool. I know we’ll get a perfect score.”

  “We’ll see. Number one. ‘What’s the biggest thing you argue about? Money, sex, family, or time?’ ”

  I thought about it briefly. “Definitely not money. Surely not sex, because a sister be putting it on him.” It couldn’t be family because Myles didn’t know about my family and I adored his family. But I didn’t want to go there with Shereen. “I would have to say time.”

  She made a mark on the paper, then asked me several more questions. I answered them with ease, confident that I was scoring in the high percentile. Finally, she got to the last question. “ ‘How would you rank your honesty on a scale of one of ten?’ ”

  That one had me stumped. I hadn’t been honest with Myles about my family. Many people would consider that pretty big. “I would say five.”

  Shereen looked up from the magazine. “Five?”

  I solemnly nodded. “Myles doesn’t know about my family.”

  “And why not?” Shereen set the magazine down like she’d been waiting on this conversation.

  I shrugged. I had opened up to Shereen but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it with Myles.

  “I don’t know…”

  We heard the garage door open and both of us turned our heads toward the door. Shereen spoke quickly. “Rae, I don’t know why you don’t want to be honest with Myles about your family. And Lord knows, I don’t believe a man should know everything. But if you want to have a healthy marriage and do right by that baby, you need to come clean about your family because it’s obvious it’s eating you up.”

  The door leading out to the garage opened and Myles walked in. “Hello, ladies.”

  “Hey, baby,” I muttered.

  Shereen casually leaned back and flashed a smile at Myles. “What’s up, Mr. Councilman?”

  Myles dropped his keys on the bar and began loosening his tie. “Same ol’, same ol’.”

  Shereen stood up to leave. “Well, I was just heading out.”

  “Don’t leave on my account,” Myles said.

  “Naw, I was about to leave anyway. Your fiancée over here is trying to get me drunk.”

  Myles walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door, no doubt looking for a beer. Shereen leaned over and hugged me. “Talk to him, tell him the truth,” she whispered. “Because you flunked the quiz. Maybe opening up will be the start you need to get things right.”

  After Shereen left, I thought about what she had said. I would hate to destroy Myles’s political future because of something with my family. But I didn’t know how I could tell him, or if I even wanted to.

  The reunion was tomorrow and I hadn’t planned on going because I didn’t know how I could explain my family to Myles. Maybe Shereen was right; I needed to be honest. We had too much at stake. I walked into the bedroom where Myles was relaxing on the bed watching ESPN SportsCenter.

  “How was your day?” I asked.

  “Tiring.”

  “Can I talk to you?”

  “Can it wait? I’m exhausted.”

  “No, it’s waited long enough.”

  “Rae, I don’t feel like arguing with you. You know I work a lot.”

  “That’s not what I want to talk about.”

  Myles looked at me in confusion.

  “I have something I need to tell you. It’s about my family.” I sat down on the bed. “Myles, I’m from a small town called Sweet Poke, Arkansas.”

  “What? I thought you said you were from Little Rock.”

  “Please, just let me finish.” I took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell you where I was really from because I didn’t want anybody to know my background. My family is not exactly something I’m proud of.”

  Myles flipped off the TV, giving me his undivided attention for a change. “Rae, you’re not making any sense.”

  “Myles, my mother abandoned me when I was a little girl. I was raised by my grandmother. I have a sister with four kids by three different men and a brother who is sick with leukemia. My little sister died when she was just six years old. My father was shot to death over a game of craps. And my relatives make the Beverly Hillbillies look civilized. When I left Sweet Poke over ten years ago, I swore I was never going back. I wanted to erase that part of my life.” I felt like I was rushing everything out.

  Myles was s
ilent for several minutes. “This isn’t making any sense. Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me that?” he finally asked.

  “I felt like if I didn’t acknowledge my past it would just disappear.”

  “That’s crazy.”

  “I know.”

  “So why are you telling me now?”

  “I didn’t want to go into our marriage with any secrets. And my family is in town. They’re having the family reunion here tomorrow.”

  Myles rubbed his head in astonishment. “This is unbelievable. What if this stuff had come out during the campaign?”

  I should’ve known that would be his primary concern, but I knew I couldn’t get mad at him. It was a legitimate issue. “That’s part of why I’m telling you as well. I just didn’t want any surprises.”

  Myles leaned back against the bed. “Is it just crazy relatives, or are they into some illegal stuff?”

  “I do have a couple of criminals in the family, but nothing really major. It’s mainly just crazy relatives, not exactly political-family material,” I responded.

  Myles sat in silence for several minutes. I didn’t know how he would react.

  “So are you going?” he finally asked.

  “Going where?”

  “To the reunion?”

  I shrugged, a wave of relief running through my body because he wasn’t running for the hills. “My grandmother said that if I don’t come, they’ll all show up at my station.”

  Myles started laughing. “That would be funny.”

  I was a little uneasy. He seemed to be taking this a lot better than I thought. “No, it really wouldn’t.”

  “Okay, how about I go with you tomorrow?”

  I smiled. “Really?”

  He leaned in and kissed me gently on the cheek. “Yes, really. I mean, good grief, most people have some crazy kinfolk. It’s not that big of a deal. I don’t understand why you felt you couldn’t tell me about them.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll accept your apology if you promise to, one, never lie to me again.”

  I nodded. “I promise.”

  “And two…show me some love.”

  “You know I love you.”