The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal?

  Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

  A: Clearly, your husband can’t get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing – your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college friends involved as well? If you are still not sure about this maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not quite sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

  Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

  A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no strings attached. Requests for foreplay only indicate that you do not care for your man as much as you should. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

  Dear Marge,

  I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the suburbs of Melbourne, and one of my sisters, who lives in Dandenong, is married to a guy from Salford, England. My mum and dad are awaiting trial for the sale of Class A drugs and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Canberra. I also have two brothers: one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 2004, the other is currently being held on remand on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is currently a part-time working girl in a Melbourne brothel. Unfortunately her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with HIV AIDS. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée using her knowledge of the industry working as the brothel madam. We are hoping my two sisters will be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?

  AGORAPHOBIA

  There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

  Unless you’re agoraphobic.

  My friend is an agoraphobic homosexual. He’s been trying to come out of the closet for thirty years.

  AIDS

  What’s the difference between AIDS and cancer?

  When you have cancer you still get visitors.

  I read once that you can get AIDS from a mosquito. If you ask me, anyone sick enough to have sex with a mosquito deserves to get AIDS.

  “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?”

  “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

  “They say a problem shared is a problem halved. Not if it’s AIDS.”

  A man went to his doctor after a brief but debilitating illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you . . . you have a cancer and it can’t be cured. I give you two weeks to a month.” The man was shocked and saddened by the news, but being a man of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office to meet his son, who was waiting for him outside.

  “Son,” he said, “as Rudyard Kipling once said, if you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same – you’ll be a man. It turns out that I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. But we’re going to celebrate my life. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

  His son was shocked at first, but after three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. They had a laugh, shed a few tears and drank some more beers. After a while, they were eventually approached by some of the man’s old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave him their condolences and they all had a few more beers.

  After his friends left, the man’s son leaned over and whispered in confusion, “Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell your friends that you are dying of AIDS?”

  “Well, son,” the father replied, “I don’t want them fucking your mother when I’m gone.”

  A man goes to the doctor’s to get his test results. The doctor tells him: “I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”

  The man is devastated. “Doctor, what can I do?”

  “Eat one curried sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten chilli peppers, fifty walnuts, a box of grape nuts cereal, then top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

  The man asks, bewildered, “Will that cure me?”

  “Sadly, no,” replies the doctor. “But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.”

  What do you call a homosexual who doesn’t have AIDS?

  A lucky cocksucker.

  AIR TRAVEL

  A man is sitting in the airport departure lounge when a gorgeous young girl in a stewardess uniform parks herself next to him. She’s so stunning that he tries to overcome his natural shyness and seize the moment with a witty and original chat-up line. He’s struggling for something to say, then it occurs to him that she might work for British Airways. He taps her on the shoulder and, quoting the BA slogan, says to her: “We take good care of you.” The girl just gives him a strange sideways look.

  “Shit, I’ve blown it,” he thinks to himself. “Hang on, maybe she is with Air France.” So he says to her: “So, we get you there faster.” This time she glares at him.

  “Bugger, wrong again. Maybe she works for American Airlines.” He turns to her again and says, “So, luxury is our middle name in the skies?”

  The girl turns to him and says, “Listen, mate, why don’t you just fuck off.”

  “Ah, now I get it,” says the man. “You’re with Ryannair.”

  Bob is sitting in the VIP lounge of Virgin Airways when he sees Richard Branson walk past. Bob walks up to him and says: “I don’t believe it! Richard Branson . . . I’m your biggest fan!” Flattered, the billionaire businessman shakes his hand warmly.

  “Would you mind if I asked a small favour? I’m meeting an important client in a few minutes,” says Bob. “Could you just pass by and say hello? It would really impress my client if he thought I knew you.”

  Being a friendly and approachable sort of guy, Mr Branson agrees to this harmless request and a few minutes later he spots Bob deep in conversation with his client. He walks over, taps Bob on the shoulder, and says, “Hi, Bob. How are you doing?”

  Bob turns round and says, “Fuck off, Branson, you cunt, can’t you see I’m busy?”

  One day at a busy airport terminal the passengers on a commercial airliner are sitting on the plane waiting for the crew to arrive so that they can get on their way. Finally the pilot and the co-pilot make their way out of the terminal and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. Everyone notices that both pilot and co-pilot are clutching white sticks and wearing dark glasses. Both of them only narrowly avoid being hit by a shuttle bus on the runway. The passengers laugh uneasily at the joke as the “blind” crew pair climb the stairway and feel their way to the cockpit.

  After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move down the runway. Suddenly the plane accelerates rapidly and panic sets in. Some passengers start praying while others get down on the floor. As the plane speeds closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical until finally, when the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left to go everyone screams at once and at the very last moment the nose begins to lift and the plane takes off into the sky.

  In the cockpi
t the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know,” he says, “one of these days those fuckers back there aren’t going to scream and we’re all going to get killed.”

  A rock star is on a flight to London, drinking too much and being generally loud and obnoxious. He gets up to use the toilet but finds them all engaged. He grabs hold of a stewardess and says: “If I don’t get to use the toilet in the next two minutes I’m going to sue your ass and the whole of your motherfucking airline!”

  The hostess replies “Okay, please calm down, sir. You can use the staff toilet at the front of the plane. But please don’t press any of the three buttons.”

  So the rock star agrees, staggers off down the aisle into the staff toilet at the front of the plane and sits down to do his business. He sees three buttons in front of him, marked WW, WA and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly warm water sprays up his bum.

  “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good”. So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his bum. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room.

  “Nurse! Nurse! Where am I? What happened?”

  The nurse replies: “Well, apparently you were on a plane and a stewardess told you not to press any of the buttons, but you pressed the ATR button.”

  “What does ATR mean exactly?”

  “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

  A pilot addresses his passengers but forgets to turn off the intercom. They hear him say to his co-pilot: “I’m going to have a shit, then shag the arse off that new air hostess.”

  At this, the air hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercom is still on, but she trips and falls over.

  “No need to hurry, love,” says an old lady. “He’s having a shit first.”

  A Muslim was sitting next to an Aussie on a flight from Singapore bound for Sydney, Australia. When the plane was airborne, the stewardesses took orders for drinks. The Aussie said: “I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks, please.” The drink was brought and placed before him. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

  He replied: “I would rather be raped by a dozen infidel whores and have my head stuffed up a sheep’s arsehole than let alcohol touch my lips.”

  The Aussie handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, “Sorry, darling, I didn’t realize there was a choice.”

  What do you call a black man flying a plane?

  A pilot, you racist.

  A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

  The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another fucking whisky while you’re at it, bitch!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.

  Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!”

  In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says:

  “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re a right lippy fucker.”

  As an airplane was about to crash, a female passenger jumped up and frantically announced, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

  She removed all her clothing and shouted: “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

  A male passenger stood up, removed his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

  ALIENS

  Two aliens land in the mid-west of America near an abandoned gas station.

  They approach one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

  The alien repeats the greeting, to no avail. Annoyed by what he perceives to be the gas pump’s bad manners, he produces his ray gun and says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”

  The other alien interrupts and urges his comrade, “No, don’t shoot, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he can finish his warning, the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion and both aliens are blasted 200 metres into the air.

  When they finally regain consciousness, the first alien says, “The Earthling is truly a formidable creature – he nearly killed us both! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

  The other alien replies, “My friend, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn’t fuck with.”

  AL-QAEDA

  Al-Qaeda has hidden some bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

  “Al-Qaeda – puting the “mental” back into fundamentalism.”

  Al-Qaeda accidentally recruited a dyslexic into their ranks. They now have the world’s first suicide bummer.

  ALZHEIMER'S

  A man takes his sick wife to the doctor. The doctor examines her and says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”

  “What do you mean?” the man says. “You can’t tell the difference?”

  “Unfortunately not,” replies the doc. “The two conditions look very similar in the early stages.”

  “So, what am I supposed to do about it?” asks the man anxiously.

  “Tell you what,” says the doctor. “Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

  Knock knock . . .

  Who’s there?

  Alzheimer’s.

  Alzheimer’s who?

  Knock knock . . .

  The Benefits of alzheimer’s

  1 You make new friends every day.

  2 You can laugh at all the old jokes.

  3 You make new friends every day.

  4 You can hide your own Easter eggs.

  A stand-up comedian got a gig at the local Alzheimer’s Association annual party. He was very nervous because he hadn’t worked for a while but he need not have worried. They liked his first joke so much that he told it again and again and again. In fact he told it eighty-six times. After the show, an old man went up to him and shook his hand: “You were brilliant,” he said. “I don’t know how you remember them all!”

  I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzheimer’s. I told him, “Piss off, I’ve already given, don’t you remember?”

  “It’s bad news, I’m afraid,” the doctor tells his patient. “You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

  “Thank you, doctor. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I don’t have cancer.”

  Did you hear about the Alzheimer’s protest march?

  “What do we want?”

  “We don’t know!”

  “When do we want it?”

  “Want what?”

  The Alzheimer’s Society is doing its bit for Comic Relief. It will be known as Fuck Nose Day.

  My side of the family has a history of Alzheimer’s. Or was it my wife’s side?

  An elderly man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous much younger woman sitting on her own. He walks over, sits next to her and says: “Do I come here often?”

  The old man suffering from Alzheimer’s who lives just down the road groped my wife this morning. I’m going to go down there later and give him a hiding he
will never remember.

  How does every Alzheimer’s joke end?

  No, sorry, it’s gone.

  AMERICA AND AMERICANS

  Apparently about 60 per cent of Americans don’t own a passport. It’s not that they don’t want to leave their country they’re just too fat to fit into a photo booth.

  Recent studies have shown that 60 per cent of Americans suffer from obesity.

  The other 40 per cent couldn’t care less.

  What do you say to a thin American?

  “How’s the chemotherapy going?”

  I was driving along when I saw a big fat American standing in the middle of the road. I ran straight over him: I could have gone around him but I wasn’t sure if I had enough petrol.

  Why is American beer always served very cold?

  So you can tell it from piss.

  An American couple are on holiday travelling through Wales. On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfair-pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.

  They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the girl serving them “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?” The waitress nods.