The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  “Just ignore him,” he says, engrossed in the film.

  “I can’t,” she replies, “he’s using my hand.”

  A man took his dog to the cinema. At the end of the film the dog applauded.

  “That’s amazing,” said the usherette.

  “Yes, it is,” said the man. “He thought the book was crap.”

  A boy and a girl are sitting at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

  When they come up for air, the boy says, “I love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum.”

  “It’s not chewing gum,” the girl replies. “I’ve got bronchitis.”

  CLIFF RICHARD

  Sir Cliff Richard went to an old people’s home to perform a concert but was disconcerted to find that none of the residents recognized him. Puzzled, he took an old lady aside and enquired, “Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?”

  “Sorry, dear,” said the old lady, “but if you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.”

  Sir Cliff is performing live in Japan on the last leg of his world tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them.

  “Tits and fanny!” scream the audience. “Tits and fanny!”

  Cliff is shocked. “I can’t sing that,” he says. “I’m a devout Christian.”

  “Tits and fanny!” scream the audience. “Tits and fanny!”

  “Oh, come on . . . please!” Cliff pleads. “What about ‘Devil Woman’ or ‘Livin’ Doll’, at least something I know!”

  “Tits and fanny!” scream the crowd.

  “Okay, okay,” says Cliff. “But I don’t know how it goes.”

  “Tits and fanny,” . . . sing the crowd in unison . . . “how we don’t talk any more.”

  COMAS

  A man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months and all the while his wife kept vigil at his bedside, every single hour of every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I lost my job, you were there for me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.

  “Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side. You know what?”

  “What dear?” She softly asked, choking back the tears as she gently rubbed his forehead.

  “I’m beginning to think you’re a jinx, so why don’t you just fuck off.”

  My father is in a coma. He’s just living the dream.

  A young woman in a coma is moved to a new room in the hospital. After a few days her nurse notices that every time she sponge bathes the patient around her bits, the nearby monitor indicates that the patient’s vital signs increase significantly. She has a bright idea: perhaps oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman’s husband, and tells him that there is a just a chance oral sex can revive his wife, and he agrees.

  When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed and closes the door. Five minutes later, the husband rushes out of the room, clearly distressed. All of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse is very upset that her idea not only didn’t work, but had threatened the life of the woman she had sought to save.

  She asks the husband: “What happened?”

  “I’m not sure,” he replied. “But I think she choked.”

  CONTRACEPTION

  I bought myself my first black condom today. My wife died last night and her sister is visiting later, so I thought I had better show a bit of respect.

  A couple have just had sex. The woman says, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

  The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it and flushes it down the toilet. He says, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

  There’s nothing worse than having sex, then when you’ve finished, looking down and seeing a limp used condom hanging off the end of your cock. Especially when you weren’t wearing one when you started.

  How do Australians practise safe sex?

  They brand the sheep that kick.

  I bought some of these flavoured condoms last week. I said to my wife, “Let’s play a game. I put one of these flavoured condoms on and you try to guess what flavour it is.”

  So she closed her eyes and went under the duvet and said: “Mmmm. Cheese and onion flavour.”

  I replied: “Hang on, give me chance to put one on!”

  Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?

  It works by changing your blood type.

  What’s a diaphragm?

  A trampoline for dick heads.

  The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request. “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

  “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”

  “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?”

  “No problem, I’m on it,” said Obama.

  “Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Putin.

  “Yes?” said Obama.

  “Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?”

  “No problem,” replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

  “Consider it done,” said the CEO of Durex.

  “Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.”

  “Easily done. Anything else?”

  “Yes,” says Obama. “Print ‘MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

  What’s the best form of birth control for people over fifty?

  Nudity.

  A man walks into a pharmacist’s with his eight-year-old son. As they walk past the condom display, the little boy asks, “What are these, dad?”

  “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

  “Oh, I see,” replies the boy, thoughtfully. “I think I’ve heard about that at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this pack?”

  “Those are for students, son. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

  “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks, “Then who are these for, dad?”

  “Those are for single men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

  “WOW!” says the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

  With a sigh, his dad replies, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for . . .”

  A young guy goes into a pharmacist’s to buy some condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine or twelve and asks which pack size he wants.

  “Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this bird for a while and she’s really hot and I’m pretty sure tonight’s the night. She’s invited me to have dinner with her folks – a bit of a bummer! – but after that we’re going out and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get lucky. Once she’s seen my dick she isn’t going to want anyone else, so you’d better give me the twelve-pack.”

  The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer: “Lord, for what we are about to receive . . .” then continues praying for several minutes.<
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  The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

  He leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.”

  COSMETIC SURGERY

  A man approaching his fiftieth birthday decides to have a facelift. He spends £5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes. Before leaving, he says to the vendor, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

  “About thirty-five,” is the reply.

  “I’m actually forty-nine,” the man replies smugly, feeling really good about himself.

  After that he goes into a Starbucks for a coffee and asks the young girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about twenty-nine.”

  “I am actually forty-nine.” By now he’s feeling fantastic.

  While standing at the bus stop, he asks a really old woman the same question. She replies, “I am ninety years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

  As there is no one around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants.

  The old lady rummages around for ten minutes and says: “Okay, it’s done. You are forty-nine.”

  The man is stunned. “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

  The old lady replies, “I was standing behind you in Starbucks.”

  COURTS

  A defendant was on trial for murder at the Old Bailey. There was strong circumstantial evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse. In his closing statement the counsel for the defence, realizing that in all likelihood his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all did likewise. A minute passed and nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked at the door to see if someone walked in. I put it to you, therefore, that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was actually killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

  The jury retired in confusion to deliberate. A few minutes later, the foreman of the jury returned and told the judge that they had arrived at a unanimous verdict. “We find the defendant guilty.”

  The lawyer’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “But how?” he enquired. “You must have had some doubt: I saw all of you stare at the door.”

  The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did. But your client didn’t.”

  A judge asks a defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters under his breath, “Fuck all.”

  “What did you say?” asks the judge.

  The court clerk turns to the judge and says, “The defendant said ‘fuck all’, your honour.”

  “Really?” says the judge, “I could have sworn I saw his lips move.”

  Did you hear about the two gay judges?

  They tried each other.

  The judge says to a double-murder defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

  A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

  The judge adds, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

  The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

  The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

  The man in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, your honour. But for ffteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t fucking have one.”

  COWBOYS

  A cowboy and his brand-new bride check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband goes to the front desk and asks for a room.

  “This here is a very special occasion,” he informs the receptionist. “We done got married today and we need a good room with a strong bed.”

  The receptionist winks and asks, “Do you want the Bridal?”

  The cowboy thinks about it a while and then replies, “Nope, I guess not. I’ll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.”

  A young cowboy wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the American West. He practised every minute of his spare time but knew that he wasn’t yet first rate and that there was room for improvement. He was sitting in a saloon one night when he saw an old gunslinger at the bar who had once been recognized as the fastest gun of his day. The young cowboy sat himself down next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

  The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, son, you’re wearing your gun way too high. Tie the holster lower down on your leg.” The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

  “That’s fantastic!” said the young buck. “Got any more tips for me?”

  “Yep,” said the old man, “cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

  The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

  “Wow!” said the cowboy. “Even better! Got any more tips?”

  The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that tin of grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

  The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

  “No,” said the old-timer. “You’ve gotta smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

  “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

  “No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp over there is done playing the piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your arse and it won’t hurt as much.”

  Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. They are chewing tobacco and swapping tales of bravado for which cowboys are famous. The first cowboy says, “I reckon I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy on the prairie.”

  “You reckon, dude? How come?” asks the second.

  “Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.”

  The second cowboy says: “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a twenty-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and came straight at me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp.”

  The third cowboy said nothing. He just sat there, chewing his tobacco, slowly stirring the coals with his cock.

  One day the Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick Tonto were out riding through the prairie when the Lone Ranger had to stop to take a piss. So he dismounted his horse Silver and went over to a bush and pulled down his pants. Just then, Tonto heard a scream. The Lone Ranger staggered out from behind the bush and said, “Tonto, I’ve been bitten by a rattlesnake on my dick! Go to town and ask the doctor what to do!”

  So Tonto rode to town and went to the doctor. “Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a rattlesnake. What do I do?”

  The doctor replied, “You take a knife and make a small incision on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom.”

  Tonto thanked the doctor and rode back to Lone Ranger.

  “Tonto!” said the Lone Ranger, mightily relieved to see his friend. “Well, what did the
doctor say?”

  Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and replied: “Doctor say you going to die!”

  An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whisky a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

  “Well,” he replied, “I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding and branding cattle, mending fences and so forth, so I guess I am. How about you?”

  “I’m a lesbian,” the woman replied. “I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I take a shower I think about women. While I watch TV or even eat I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”

  The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

  “Well, I always thought I was,” he replied, “but it turns out I’m a lesbian.”

  Two cowboys in a saloon. One says to the other, “I bet you fifty bucks you can’t take a sip of that spittoon over there.” With that, the other cowboy puts the spittoon to his mouth and knocks back the entire contents in one go.

  “Well, I’ll be darned!” says the first cowboy. “I only told you to take a sip!”

  “I couldn’t,” replies the other. “It was all in one lump.”

  Two cowboys walk into a saloon to wash the dust from their throats. As they stand by the bar drinking their beers and chewing the fat, a woman at a table near to them starts to choke. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in distress. One of the cowboys asks her, “Ma’am, can ya swaller?”

  No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.