The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  “Correct.”

  “With twenty decks, one on top of the other?”

  “Correct.”

  “And you want it full of carp?”

  “You’ve got it.”

  “Please,” says the perplexed Noah, “may I ask why, oh Lord?”

  “Well,” says God, “I just always fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”

  The Yorkshire Ripper died and went to meet his maker. When he arrived, St Peter opened the pearly gates and let him in, whereupon God hit him thirteen times with a hammer and then kicked him directly in the bollocks.

  The Ripper, doubled up in pain, gasped, “Why did you do that?”

  God replied, “You killed thirteen women. That was a blow for each of your victims.”

  The Ripper said, “Yes, yes, I understand that, but why kick me in the balls?”

  “For blaming me.”

  Moses and God are walking around Heaven when God complains of being bored. Moses suggests a holiday.

  “That’s a good idea,” says God, “but where?”

  “What about Jupiter?” suggest Moses. “Lovely scenery.”

  “Mmmm, but the gravity gives me a backache,” says

  God.

  “Okay, what about Saturn then? Impressive rings!” “Yes, but a bit too cold and dull. I fancy a bit of excitement.”

  “Well, if it’s excitement you want, what about Earth? It’s the happening place to be.”

  “Earth?” God says in disgust. “No way. Last time I was there, I got some bitch pregnant and I haven’t heard the end of it for the last 2,000 years.”

  A boy says to his mother, “Mum, is God a man or a woman?”

  His mother thinks carefully for a while and says, “Well, son, God is neither man nor woman.”

  The son is confused, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”

  The mother replies, “God is both black and white, dear.”

  The son, still curious, says after a while, “Is God gay or straight, mum?”

  The mother, getting a little anxious, answers, “Son, God is both gay and straight.”

  The son thinks about it, then his face lights up. “Mum, is God Michael Jackson?”

  GOLF

  Three golfers, Tom, Dick and Harry, are looking for someone to make up a foursome. Tom mentions that his friend Bob is a pretty good golfer so they decide to invite him along the following weekend.

  “Thanks, guys, I’d love to play,” says Bob, “but I might be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

  The weekend rolls around. Tom, Dick and Harry arrive at the first tee promptly at 9 a.m. and find Bob waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new golf partner, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following weekend.

  “Sounds good to me,” says Bob. “But wait for me because I might be ten minutes late.”

  The following weekend all four golfers show up on time, but this time Bob plays left-handed and still beats them all easily. As they are getting ready to leave, Bob says: “See you next weekend, but I might be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

  This goes on for several weeks and Bob always turns up on time and plays out of his skin – right-handed, left-handed, it doesn’t seem to bother him. Every week, he leaves his golfing friends with the same message.

  After a couple of monthis, the other three are fairly irritated by this routine, so Dick says, “Hang on a minute, Bob. Every week you give us the same old crap. You say you might be about ten minutes late, but you never are. And what’s with this left-handed, right-handed shit?”

  “Well,” says Bob, “I’m very superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”

  “So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Dick asks.

  “Then I’m about ten minutes late,” says Bob.

  Two men had just fnished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious to one of them that his friend was having a bad day. “You’re just not your old self today. What’s the matter?”

  His friend looking glum, said, “I think my wife’s dead.” “My God! That’s terrible,” said his friend. “But what do you mean, you think she’s dead. Aren’t you sure?”

  “Well, I just don’t know,” he responds. “The sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up.”

  What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

  A man will make the effort to search for a golf ball.

  Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately fell to the ground and rolled around in agony clasping his groin. The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

  “No, no, I’ll be okay in a few minutes,” the man protested, even though he was still obviously in agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. She persisted, however, and he finally allowed her to help.

  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes and asked, “How does that feel?”

  “Pretty good,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

  ’ A man takes a week off and decides to spend every day improving his golf. First thing Monday morning he sets off on his first round and soon catches up with the player in front. He notices that she’s a very attractive woman. He suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and she turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the eighteenth hole. He congratulates her on her game and offers to give her a lift home. All in all, he has had a really enjoyable morning.

  On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s game and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much for ages. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he’s ever had.

  The following day he sees her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. This time he’s very competitive – his sense of pride is slightly dented by the fact that she beat him the previous day. Once gain they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a good competitive round of golf. Yet again she pips him at the last, yet again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation with a blow job. This goes on all week, with the lady beating him narrowly every day.

  In the car on the way home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fantastic week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant, followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of an expensive hotel. To his surprise, she bursts into tears. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she sobs: “I can’t go with you. You see, I’m a transsexual.”

  At this he swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a halt and curses madly and violently.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

  “You scumbag!” he screams, red in the face. “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the women’s tees all week!!”

  A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early. What’s wrong?”

  “I was stung by a bee,” she said.

  “Where,” he asked.

  “Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

  He nodded, and said, “Your stance is far too wide, madam.”

  Frank and Emily met on holiday an
d Frank fell head over heels in love. After a couple of romantic weeks, during which Frank took Emily out to various night clubs, restaurants and concerts, he was convinced that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. On the very last night of his holiday the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. “It’s only fair to warn you that you’re going to be a golf widow,” Frank said to his new ladyfriend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem you’d better say so now!”

  Emily was quiet for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and replied: “Since we’re being honest with each other, there’s something you also need to know. I’m a hooker.”

  “I see,” Frank replied. He looked down at the table, as though deep in thought, then he nodded, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

  A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed and getting ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

  The husband replies, “That’s no big deal in this day and age.”

  The wife continues, “I’ve only been with one other guy.”

  “Oh yeah? Who was he?”

  “Tiger Woods.”

  “You mean Tiger Woods the golfer?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well,” says the husband. “He’s very rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

  The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are through the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

  “What are you doing?” says the wife.

  The husband says, “I’m hungry. I’m going to call room service and get something sent up.”

  “Tiger wouldn’t do that,” replies his wife.

  “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

  “He’d come back to bed and fuck me again.”

  The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they have finished, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

  “What are you doing?” she says.

  The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”

  “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

  “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

  “He’d come back to bed and fuck me again.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his wife one more time.

  When they finish, he's absolutely knackered. He drags himself out of bed, staggers over to the phone and starts to dial.

  The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

  “No,” replies her husband. “I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this hole.”

  A man arrives home from a round of golf, looking shattered. His wife says, “You look terrible, what happened?”

  He replies, “Well, everything was going great until we got to the third tee. Then Bob got up to hit his tee shot and he collapsed with a heart attack.”

  “Oh God, that’s awful, but why do you look so tired?” the wife asks.

  “Well, for the rest of the round, it was like, play the shot, drag Bob, play the shot, drag Bob . . .”

  The Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt decided to take up golf, so he went down to the local course. “Hi,” said Usain. “I’d like to join your golf club.”

  The receptionist called the club captain, who came to meet Bolt at reception.

  “Hi,” said Usain, “I’d like to join your golf club.”

  “I’m terribly sorry,” said the club captain, “but we don’t let black people join our club. However, if you turn right out of the main gates there is a public golf course about fifteen minutes up the road. You’ll have absolutely not problem getting a game there.”

  “I don’t think you understand,” said Usain. “I am Usain Bolt.”

  “Oh, I see, I’m terribly sorry,” said the club captain. “In that case, the public course is five minutes up the road.”

  A father, son and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just as the son is about to tee off, a really fne-looking woman approaches them, carrying a bag of golf clubs. “Excuse me,” she says. “My partner hasn’t shown up. Would you mind if I joined you”. Naturally, the guys all agree. Soon afterwards the guys begin to realize that perhaps it wasn’t such a great idea after all because they really have to work hard to mind their language in her presence. The lady gets wind of this and turns to the three of them and says, “Listen, boys, I don’t care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, swear, smoke, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on my game.” She then proceeds to tee off.

  All eyes are on her arse as she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three men, shooting par or better on every hole.

  When they get to the eighteenth green she has a six-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, “I want to thank you gentlemen for not trying to coach me. But I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never, ever shot par on this hole before and I want your opinions on this putt. If you can help me sink this putt I’ll give each of you a blow job.”

  The son steps forward, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, “Madam, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left twelve inches from the hole and will go into the cup.”

  Then the father steps up to the green. “Don’t listen to the kid. Aim twelve inches to the right and the ball will break left two feet from the hole and fall into the cup.”

  At this, the grandfather looks at both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

  GORILLAS

  A dwarf walks into a pub, throws a £5 note on the bar and says to the barman, “Give me a double shot of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight?”

  The barman pours the dwarf a double shot of Jack Daniels and says, “Well, in my opinion, sir, I’d say the large chap at the end of the bar is the toughest son of a bitch in the premises this evening.”

  The dwarf knocks back his Jack Daniels in one, walks to the end of the bar and smacks the big fellow in the teeth, knocking him out cold, then walks out of the bar.

  “Well,” thinks the barman, “that’s something you don’t see every day.”

  The following evening the same dwarf walks into the bar, throws down a £5 note and says to the barman, “Give me a double shot of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of bitch in this bar tonight?”

  So the barman pours him his double whisky and says, “Well, sir, I’d say that big old biker sitting by that table over there is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

  The dwarf knocks back his shot, walks over to the biker, punches him square in the jaw, knocking him out, and walks out of the bar.

  Well, by this time the barman is getting a mite cheesed off about having this little fellow hitting his customers. So, the next day he goes down to the local zoo and rents out a very large gorilla, then hides him in the men’s toilets. Sure enough, the following evening the dwarf returns. He walks in the pub, throws down his fiver and says, “Give me a double of your best whisky! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

  The barman pours him his shot and says, “You know, sir, there really isn’t anybody in here tonight quite up to your standard of toughness, but I gather that there is a gentleman in the men’s toilets who is, as it were, the baddest son of a bitch in the premises this evening.”

  The dwarf knocks back his drink and heads for the men’s toilets. From the bar everyone hears the toilet door slam and the beginnings of a right royal ruckus. Suddenly it goes quiet, the dwarf walks back into the bar, brushing himself down. He says to the barman: “Oi, barman. Tell the black guy in the men’s when he wakes up, his fur
coat’s in the wheelie bin out the back.”

  In the jungle there lived a gorilla and a rhino. They had been best mates for several years and they did everything together. One spring day the gorilla was feeling a bit randy. It had been monthis since he had been able to pull, and he was starting to get a bit desperate for a shag. As he was walking down to the waterhole he saw his mate the rhino bending over, having a drink. This was too much for the gorilla who saw the rhino’s arse right there in front of him swaying gently from side to side as he drank. The gorilla couldn’t contain himself any more and ran straight at the rhino and buggered him senseless for a good half-hour. All the time the rhino was screaming, “Get off me, I’m going to kill you, you bastard!” but he couldn’t do anything because the gorilla was holding on too tight.

  Eventually the gorilla finished and climbed off. “Right, I’m going to kill you!” the rhino screamed and started running after the gorilla.

  The gorilla was yelling, “We’ve been best mates for years and we shouldn’t let a trivial thing like this come between us!” The rhino, however, was having none of it and he was slowly catching up. The gorilla ran into a camp, where an explorer was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper. He ran off to the north but he couldn’t get past the cliffs, so he ran back to the camp. He ran east but he couldn’t get past the river, so he ran back to the camp. He ran west but he couldn’t get through the undergrowth, so he ran back to the camp. Therefore he broke the explorer’s neck, grabbed his clothes and newspaper, threw the explorer over the trees, sat down and started to read.

  Soon afterwards the rhino charged into the camp. He ran off to the north, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the east, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the west, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp.

  “Excuse me,” he said, “but have you seen a gorilla?”

  The gorilla, still hiding behind the newspaper, asked, “What, the one that buggered a rhino down by the watering hole?”