“Fuck me!” says the rhino. “Don’t tell me it’s in the papers already.”
GOTHS
What’s black and knocks on the window?
A goth in a microwave.
What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.
What do you get if you cross a goth with a toilet?
The Cisterns of Mercy.
Two gothis are walking down the road. One says “I just bought the new Love Like Blood CD.”
The other replies, “Fuck me, a talking goth!”
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
GRANDPARENTS
They say laughter is the best medicine. I’m not sure about that. My grandad is suffering from Alzheimer’s and we have been laughing at him for years but he hasn’t got any better.
Little Johnny went to see his grandad. “Grandad, could you please do a frog impression?”
Grandad, a little confused, replied, “Excuse me?” Johnny said again, “Grandad, can you make the sound of a frog?”
Grandad said, “Of course I can, but why?”
Little Johnny said, “Good, because mummy said that, just as soon as you croak, we can all fuck off to Disneyland!”
“You have to stay in shape when you get older. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty-five. She is ninety today and we haven’t a fucking clue where she is.”
My grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. The judge told him.
We cleared out my grandmother’s house this morning. We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, took the rest down to charity shop, then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market. I’d love to see her face when she gets back from bingo.
My grandmother spends all of her time out in the garden. That’s where we buried her.
My grandfather came out of the closet yesterday. He’s not gay, he has Alzheimer’s and thought it was the car.
I drove past my grandmother’s house and saw a dozen pints of milk on her doorstep. “Christ,” I thought, “she must be thirsty today!”
My grandmother has had Alzheimer’s for several years. I guess I should just be grateful for the £5 I get for my birthday every week.
My grandfather finally came out of his coma today. He’s dead.
I’m sure that wherever my grandfather is, he’s looking down on me. He’s not dead, he’s just incredibly condescending.
My grandmother refuses to grow old gracefully. Only last week she won first prize in a wet shawl contest.
My grandmother died on her ninetieth birthday. It was a terrible shame. We were only half-way through giving her the bumps at the time.
I call my grandad Spiderman. He hasn’t got any special powers or anything, he’s just really shit at getting out of the bath.
A grandmother complained to her grandson, “I find that the young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
He replied: “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now, Gran.”
It’s been my job to give my grandmother her pill every day for the last ten years. She hates taking it, so I grind it up and slip it in her afternoon tea. Frankly the routine is a bind, but I’d never forgive myself if she got pregnant.
My grandmother passed away yesterday. She was in her nineties and she had a good innings and she went peacefully. She just sat down in a chair, relaxed, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. She didn’t wake up again. It was a lovely way to go. Mind you, she caused fucking uproar in the dentists.
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. It was very sweet of her, but unnecessary – we stopped having sex three years ago.
GRAVEYARDS
Two women are walking through a graveyard on their way back from a night out when they find themselves desperate for a pee. As there is no one around they drop their pants and take a leak behind a couple of gravestones. As they don’t have any tissue paper between them, one of the women wipes herself dry with her knickers while the second uses a wreath. The next day the two women’s respective husbands are in the pub comparing notes.
“I’m keeping an eye on my missus from now on,” says the first husband. “She went out last night and came back without any knickers on!”
The second replies, “You should worry! My wife came home with a card wedged half-way up her arse saying, ‘We’ll always miss you, from all the lads at the station.’”
Worse for wear after a heavy night on the piss, I awoke in a cemetery, where I saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit.”
GREEKS
A man goes into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. He catches her eye and, much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is sitting on the stool next to her. They talk for about an hour over a couple of drinks, when the woman says to him, “You’re pretty cute. I’ll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?”
“That sounds great!” the man replies, barely able to believe his luck.
“Before we go up there, though,” the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: do you like doing it Greek style?”
“Well, I’m not exactly sure what that is,” the man answers, “but I’m willing to learn, let’s go!”
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get through the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. He can’t believe his eyes: she has an amazing body.
“Now you’re sure you want it Greek style?” she asks.
“Let’s do it, babe!” the man replies.
“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on your hands and knees.”
He rips off his clothes and climbs on to the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets on to the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”
“Yes! Yes!” pleads the man.
So she grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, his face is pressing right into her tits.
Again she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”
The man’s muffed voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. “Yes!” he mumbles, “Greek style!”
The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, “Georgiou!”
What is the defnition of a nice Greek boy?
One who takes his girl out twice before shagging her brother.
GYNAECOCLOGISTS
An unemployed man sees a notice for a gynaecologist’s assistant in the Aberdeen job centre. So he goes to the counter and asks for more details. They tell him that the job description involves preparation of the female patient for exam, including removal of her underwear, washing and shaving of her nether regions and applying oil to the shaved parts. He is also informed that the job carries a salary of £50,000 and that he should go to Plymouth.
He asks, “Why, is that where the job is located?”
“No,” comes the reply. “That is where the end of the queue is.”
What does a gynaecologist do when he feels sentimental? He looks up an old girlfriend.
What do the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
A gorgeous, voluptuous woman went to see a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and his professionalism immediately went out of the window. He told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
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�That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re catching herpes, which is precisely why I came here in the first place.”
Did you hear about the gynaecologist who decorated his house through the letter box?
Why do they call it a cervical smear?
Because if you called it a cunt scrape, nobody would turn up for one.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.
A woman walks into a gynaecologist’s office for an examination. She gets up on the stirrups and the doctor peers between her legs. He says: “You have a really enormous pussy. You have a really enormous pussy.”
The woman replies: “You didn’t have to say it twice.”
The doctor says: “I didn’t.”
A woman in her seventies goes to a gynaecologist to see if there is any remote possibility that she can have a baby. The gynaecologist tells her to lift up her skirt and pull down her panties. After a close inspection, he says, “Madam, you are seventy-five years old. Your vagina smells kipperus, which is a condition to describe the breeding ground for kippers.”
“Pardon?” says the old lady.
“Okay, I’ll make it simple for you,” says the gynaecologist. “You have a kipperus vagina and if you have a baby it will be a miracle.”
The old lady thanks him and goes home to her husband.
“What did the doctor say?” asks her husband.
“Not good news,” the old lady replies. “I have a kipper as a vagina and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel.”
What do a near-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
A six-year-old boy says to his best friend, “Yesterday after school, my mum caught me playing gynaecologists and nurses with the girl next door.”
“No shit! – I bet YOU were in trouble,” replies the friend.
“Not really, it was Wednesday so we were playing golf.”
Defnition of a gynaecologist: a spreader of old wives’ tails.
GYPSIES
What happens if you stick your hand up a gypsy’s skirt?
You get your palm read every twenty-eight days.
How many gypsies does it take to pave a driveway?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
Why are cigarettes like gypsies?
They stink, they come in packs of twenty and they are banned from bars.
A boy came home from school and asked his father, “Dad, am I a Jew or am I a gypsy?”
“Why do you want to know, son?”
“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for thirty quid. Should I offer him fifteen or just steal it?”
Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
What’s the difference between a gypsy and a traveller?
Political correctness.
“I once got into a row with a gypsy and I was bricking it after he threatened to come back with his brother, his uncle and his cousin to find me and beat me up. Imagine my relief when they all turned out to be the same person.”
What do gypsies do when the lights go out in their caravans?
They light the candles under their kids noses.
What does a gypsy get for his birthday?
Your bicycle.
L’Oreal has launched a new shampoo for gypsies. It’s called “Go and Wash”.
A woman goes to the doctor’s. “Doctor, I’ve got this problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.” The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
“Well, what is it?” he asks.
“It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies. “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighis.”
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”
The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.”
“I thought as much,” says the doctor. “Tell your boyfriend his earrings aren’t made of real gold.”
HAIR LOSS
A woman is at the undertaker’s arranging her late husband’s funeral.
The undertaker asks her: “Do you have any special requests?”
“Well,” says the widow, “he lost all of his hair when he was young and he never went anywhere without his toupee, but every time I try put it on his head it slides off.”
“No problem, I’ll sort that out for you. Come back in an hour,” says the undertaker. An hour or so later she returned and the toupee was perfectly placed on the dead man’s head.
“Oh, thank you so much,” she says, “you must let me give you something for your trouble and I won’t take no for an answer.”
The undertaker says, “All right, just give me a couple of quid for the nails.”
During his regular visit to the hairdresser’s, a man asked his barber if he had any tips on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confded that the best thing he’d come across was female juices. “But you’re balder than I am,” replied the customer. “You have a point,” admitted the barber, “but you have to admit I’ve got one hell of a moustache.”
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fngers through his hair.
A bald guy with a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party. He was very self-conscious about his baldness and his disability and didn’t quite know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg. He decided to send an email to a fancy-dress hire company to explain his predicament.
A few days later he received a parcel with a note: “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head – and with your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate.”
The man was annoyed about their lack of tact and felt they had completely missed the point by emphasizing his wooden leg. He returned the costume with a very terse letter complaining about their appallingly inappropriate advice.
A week passed and he received another parcel and a note, which read: “Dear Sir, we are very sorry. Please find enclosed a Monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”
Now the man was really annoyed and upset because they have added insult to injury by making a feature of his baldness. This time he wrote the company a very rude letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note, which read –
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you cunt.”
HAROLD SHIPMAN
Hollywood are making a film about Dr Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. It’s going to be called The Old Dear Hunter.
What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and the government?
Shipman actually did something about the NHS waiting lists.
What did Harold Shipman and Gary Glitter have in common?
They both enjoyed euthanasia.
The prison boxing team were saddened by the news that Harold Shipman took his own life. They said it was a great shame because he had a lethal jab.
Harold Shipman’s last meal was a curry. He said it was okay but he could have murdered a nan.
Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
No
, Doctor Shipman. Is your gran in?
HEAVEN
One day God says to St Peter, “We have a problem, Pete. Heaven is full to bursting. However, we have a number of celebrity candidates waiting at the gates and we are suffering from falling popularity. So I’m going to chuck out Mother Teresa and let in one of the high-profile dudes at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.”
St Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di waiting for him.
He says: “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a plausible reason for admission into Heaven.”
Freddie says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most amazing voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.”
Gianni says, “I was earth’s greatest fashion designer. I will clothe the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions – long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.”
Diana looks around nervously and seems lost for words. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.
St Peter says, “Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day.”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 21
