Freddie and Gianni are furious. “What the hell’s going on here? We could make Heaven look and sound better than ever before and she performs a pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t?”
St Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry lads, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”
A Pakistani dies and goes up to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St Peter opens them. “What do you want” asks St Peter. “I am here for Jesus,” says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts, “Jesus, your taxi’s here.”
Three friends die in a car accident, and before they are allowed into Heaven, St Peter asks each of them one question. “When you are in your coffin and family and friends are grieving for you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first man says, “I would like someone to say that I was a terrific doctor and a great family man.”
The second man says, “I would like someone to say that I was a marvellous husband and a great school teacher who made a huge difference.”
The third man replies, “I would just like to hear someone say: ‘FUCK . . . HE’S MOVING!’”
HEATHER MILLS
My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas. She says, “You can never have too many socks.” You can if you’re Heather Mills.
I can’t stand Heather Mills. I’ve tried, but she keeps falling over.
Heather Mills has made her will. She is going to leave 90 per cent of her body to science when she dies. The other 10 per cent will go to IKEA.
It’s a very sad world we live in when all people seems to want to do is make jokes about Heather Mills’ leg. Personally I think it’s prosthetic.
Paul McCartney once bought Heather Mills a new artifcial leg for Christmas, but it wasn’t her main present, it was just a stocking filler.
Paul McCartney was interviewed on TV about his failed second marriage. He was asked: “Do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?”
Paul replied: “Actually, I’d prefer it if you’d call her Heather.”
Heather Mills was given a plane as part of her divorce settlement. On her other leg she still uses Immac.
According to new reports, Madonna paid out £50 million in her divorce settlement with Guy Richie. That’s more than twice the amount Paul McCartney paid out to Heather Mills. She must be kicking herself.
After another outburst on TV, a psychologist described Heather Mills as “clearly unbalanced”. Later Sir Paul phoned in offering advice – a couple of beer mats under her left foot normally does the trick.
What’s the difference between Heather Mills and your car?
You don’t laugh every time your car has a breakdown.
Heather Mills: great tits, but totally shit at Twister.
HITCHHIKERS
A hitchhiker is standing by the roadside shouting abuse and making rude gestures at passing cars. Eventually a car slows down and stops and the driver says to him, “You’ll never get a lift like that mate.”
“It’s okay,” says the hitchhiker. “I was on my lunch break.”
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking from a music festival. A lorry stopped and he got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about thirty miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?” replied the lorry driver.
“If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.
“Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “I’m going to fuck you anyway.”
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker, who climbs into the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he says to the driver, “What’s the monkey for?”
The driver says “I’ll show you,” and with that he smacks the monkey with the back of his hand, sending it rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his prick and proceeds to give the trucker a blow job. When he’s finished, the monkey zips him up again and jumps back up on the dashboard.
“See that?” says the trucker.
“Amazing!” says the hitchhiker.
“You want to try it?”
“Okay,” says the hitchhiker. “But don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”
HOMELESSNESS
Two tramps were walking down the road and they see a squashed dead cat. One of them picks it and starts eating it. “Gross!” says the other, “I can’t believe you’re actually doing that!”
Twenty minutes later, his friend is on his hands and knees in the gutter, retching violently. His mate quickly gets down and starts gobbling up the puke.
“I thought you didn’t eat dead cat!” says the first tramp.
“Well, no, not when it’s cold I don’t!”
A homeless guy walks into a jeweller’s shop, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant is aghast and shouts: “Oi! Stop what you’re doing and get out!”
“You want to make your fucking minds up,” replies the tramp indignantly. “You’ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.”
Knock, knock jokes. Completely wasted on the homeless.
What’s the best thing about dating a homeless female tramp?
It doesn’t matter where you drop her off.
Why did the homeless guy cross the road?
To get to the other cider.
A homeless guy is having a shag in the cemetery. Another homeless guy comes along and says, “Oi, can I have a go?”
“No,” he replies. “Fuck off and dig your own up.”
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a toothpick. The landlord obliges and the tramp leaves. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door and a third tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick.”
“No, a straw,” says the tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it.
The tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside. But all the good stuff’s already gone.”
I went out for a walk last night and I came across a tramp. It was cheaper than paying a prostitute.
Two tramps are walking down the street when one of them starts sniffng the air. He says to the other tramp, “Have you shit your pants?”
The other tramp replies, indignantly, “No!”
The first tramp says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
“Pull your pants down and let me see.”
So he pulls his pants down and reveals that they are full of shit.
“See, I told you you had shit yourself!” says the first tramp.
“Oh, right,” says his mate. “I thought you meant today.”
A tramp finds a £5 note in the gutter, so he takes it to the off-licence and buys himself a bottle of white wine. After knocking back the plonk, the tramp collapses in a drunken stupor in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. The quick-thinking fudge-packer whips down the tramps trousers and gives him a good seeing to. As the turd-burglar is just about to leave, he feels a pang of conscience and tucks a £5 note into the tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day, the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good luck, he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the plonk and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same player-of-the-pink-oboe passes the alleyway and spies the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the arse bandit divests the tramp of his shitty boxer shorts and gives him another seeing to. Again he leaves £5 out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up, the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so makes his way bac
k to the off-licence. The sales assistant sees him enter the shop and automatically reaches for the usual bottle of cheap white wine. To which the tramp responds, “No thanks, I’ll have a bottle of red.”
“Why the change?” the assistant enquires.
The tramp says: “I like the white wine, but Christ, it doesn’t half make your ring piece sore.”
Two tramps were sitting in McDonald’s when one them caught of a whiff of something foul. He asks the other; “Did you just shit yourself?”
“Oh, yeah,” says the second tramp.
“Why don’t you go and clean yourself up then?”
“I’m not finished yet.”
How do tramps connect wirelessly?
Brown tooth.
Two tramps were walking along the railway track one day when one tramp said to the other, “I’m the luckiest man in the world.”
“How’s that?” asked the other tramp.
“Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20 note. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was pissed for three days.”
The other tramp said, “Not bad, but I think I’m the luckiest man in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago when I found a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the woods and I had sex with her for two days.”
“Jesus,” said the first tramp. “Did you get a blow job as well?”
“Nope,” the other tramp replied ruefully. “I never found her head.”
A tramp is weaving his down the main street of the town, blind drunk. Somehow he manages to stagger up the steps of a cathedral, where he goes inside and crashes from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all of this and he enters his side of the confessional. The priest sits in silence for a couple of minutes, then says, “I thought perhaps you could use some help, my son.”
“I don’t know,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any paper on your side?”
I was walking through the town centre the other day when this homeless guy asked me if I had any loose change. I gave him a penny: I figured it was the least I could do.
I was in a very affuent part of London the other day when this homeless person came up to me. He said, “Sir, I haven’t tasted food in a week.”
“Don’t worry,” I reassured him. “It still tastes the same.”
HOMOSEXUALS
Which is better, being born black or gay? Black, because you don’t have to tell your parents.
How do you know if your best mate is gay?
He gets an erection when you take him up the arse.
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.
How do you know if you’re at a gay barbecue?
The hotdogs taste like shit.
How do you get four homosexuals on a bar-stool?
Turn it upside down.
Colin comes home one day and says to his room-mate, “Can you do me a favour please. It feels like something’s stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?”
His room-mate lubes up his fnger and shoves it up Colin’s arse, has a good feel around, and says, “I can’t fnd anything.”
“Trust me,” says Colin. “There’s defnitely something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.”
So his room-mate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up. He feels around and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
“I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse.”
Colin starts singing, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you . . .”
“I once had a large gay following. Fortunately I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
Dr Watson is working away one day when suddenly he is hit on his head and becomes unconscious. When he wakes up, he is stripped naked and bent over a chair. Sherlock Holmes is squeezing a lemon and the juice is running all over his buttocks.
“Good grief, Holmes. What are you doing?” cries Doctor Watson.
“A lemon entry, my dear Watson, a lemon entry.”
What do you call a gay man’s scrotum?
Mud faps.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the shit.
How do you make a fruit cordial?
Say something nice about his shoes.
What do you get when a homosexual gets Alzheimer’s?
A bloke who spends all day wondering why his arse hurts.
HONEYMOONS
A man about to get married is confding to his best man on his stag night. “You know, I don’t think my bride is a virgin. She says she is, but I don’t believe her.”
“No problem,” replies his friend. “There is an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. On your honeymoon, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
“How will that help?”
“When you get into bed, if she laughs and says they are the funniest bollocks she’s ever seen, you simply hit the slag with the shovel.”
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to their friends that all was not well. So the groom’s best man took him aside and asked him what the problem is.
“Well,” replied the newlywed guy, “when we had fnished making love on the frst night, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking.”
“Shit! That was bad!” said his friend. “All the same, don’t sweat it. I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t really expect that you have been saving yourself all these years!”
The groom nodded thoughtfully. “I still don’t know if I can get over this though.”
“What do you mean?” said his friend.
“Well, she gave me £20 change.”
After a whirlwind romance Frank decided to propose to his girlfriend, but before accepting his offer she thought she had to confess to her man about a childhood illness. She told Frank that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a twelve-year-old. Frank listened and, to her huge relief, replied it was okay – he loved her so much. Frank, however, felt this was also the right time for him to open up and admit to a secret he had kept from her. He looked her in the eyes and said: “I too have a deformity. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you can deal with that once we are married.”
“Yes! Yes!” she cried. “I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis because I love you so much.”
So Frank and his girl got married and they could barely wait for the honeymoon. Frank whisked her off to their hotel suite and they dived on the bed and started to tear at each other’s clothes. She put her hands in Frank’s pants, then began to scream uncontrollably and ran out of the room.
Frank ran after her. “What’s wrong?” he asked her.
“You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes, it is . . .” said Frank, “eight pounds, twelve ounces and nineteen inches long.”
A woman approaches her doctor for some advice. “Doctor, I’m getting married this weekend and my fancée thinks I’m a virgin – which I am not. Is there anything you can do to help me?”
The doctor says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s the sound of your virginity going.”
The woman takes his advice and after their wedding they retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, fnishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Just as he is reaching the vinegar strokes, she snaps the elastic band.
“What the hell was that?” yells her husband.
“Oh nothing, honey, that was just my virginity going.” “Well, c
an you ask it to come back, it’s got my balls on the end of it!”
A man met a woman on holiday and enjoyed a whirlwind romance. It was the best time of their lives. In a mad, impulsive moment he asked her to marry him right away.
“But we don’t know each other at all, what if we don’t get on?” she asked. The man replied that was a chance he was prepared to take: he had never felt that way about anyone before and was sure it would work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.
So the woman agreed and they were married. They were lazing by the poolside a couple of days later, when the husband said he fancied a dip. His new wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board and jumped off backwards. He did a triple somersault and double back-fip before entering the water with barely a ripple.
His wife was amazed and when he came back to her she clapped her hands and said: “That was amazing! I didn’t know you could dive like that!”
He replied: “Yes, I used to be an Olympic high diver and I was the British champion for ten years running.” They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that they were going to have loads of fun fnding out.
Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water, swam twenty lengths butterfy stroke, twenty lengths backstroke, twenty lengths crawl, then climbed out of the water and lay on her sun lounger, barely out of breath. Her husband was astonished. “I don’t believe it! Were you an Olympic swimmer as well?”
“Nah,” she replied. “I used to be a prostitute in Hull but I worked both sides of the river.”
After Brian proposed marriage to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I frst got married to your mother, the frst thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because as they were too large. I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 22
