The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  Brian took his dad’s advice to heart. On his wedding night, as soon as he and Jill alone were alone, he took off his trousers and handed them to her and told her to try them on. She did as Brian had asked and said, “What is the point of this? I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me.”

  “Exactly,” Brian replied. “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

  Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said.

  So Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your knickers,” said Brian.

  “Exactly,” Jill replied. “And if you don’t change your fucking attitude, you never will.”

  A newly married couple are in the honeymoon suite. “Before we make love,” said the bride, “I must tell you the truth. I’ve been hiding something from you.” With that, she slipped off her wig, revealing her completely bald head.

  “I don’t have a problem with that, in fact I think it makes you look quite sexy,” the groom replied.

  “Wait, there is more,” she said. She then removed wads of padding from her bra, slipped out her glass eye and removed her false leg.

  With that, the groom walked towards the bedroom door.

  “You’re not leaving me, are you?”

  “No, I’m going downstairs. Just throw it down when you are ready.”

  A newlywed couple arrived at the hotel for the frst night of their honeymoon. They cracked open a bottle of champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife saw that his toes were all twisted and discoloured.

  “What happened to your feet?” she asked.

  “I had a childhood disease called tolio.”

  “Don’t you mean polio?”

  “No, tolio, it only affects the toes.”

  He then removed his trousers and revealed an awful looking pair of knees, all lumpy and deformed.

  “What happened to your knees?” she asked.

  “Well, I also had kneesles.”

  “Don’t you mean measles?”

  “No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.”

  Then he removed his underpants.

  “Let me guess,” said his wife. “Smallcox?”

  HOTELS

  A businessman found a card offering sexual services in a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance. “Yes,” he said. “I’d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?”

  The woman replied, “That sounds really good. But if you press nine frst, sir, you’ll get an outside line.”

  I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. She rang my room and said, “What the fuck are you doing with your life?”

  A vicar was staying overnight in a hotel and before he went to sleep for the night, he had a look at the Gideon Bible in the bedside drawer. The following morning he was awoken by the maid with a cup of tea.

  “Good morning, dear,” said the vicar. “Fancy a quick shag?”

  “But you’re a man of the cloth,” said the maid. “That can’t be right!”

  “It’s perfectly all right, dear,” replied the vicar. “I assure you, it says so in the Bible!” So the maid hopped into bed with the vicar. When it was over she got out of the bed and said: “I trust you, reverend, but I would feel better about this if you showed me the passage in the Bible where it says it’s all right.”

  The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon Bible and opened it. Someone had written on the inside cover: “Ask the maid if she fancies a fuck. She usually does.”

  A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

  “Do you have reservations?” enquires the receptionist.

  “Just the one,” replies the groom. “She doesn’t take it up the arse.”

  A man and his wife and two children book into a family room in a hotel. The man says to the hotel receptionist, “I hope the porn in my room is disabled.”

  The receptionist replies, “No it’s just the regular porn, you sick bastard!”

  HUNTING

  Bill asks his friend Derek if he fancies a spot of duck hunting. Derek says to Bill, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.” So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Derek says, “Well I can’t be bothered to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”

  Bill says, “Hang on a minute, you’re relying on the dog to count how many ducks there are out there? You have to be joking.”

  So Bill goes to look for himself and, lo and behold, there are just a couple of ducks. When he gets back he says to Derek, “I don’t believe it. Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”

  Derek says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”

  So Bill goes to the dog breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Derek has. The breeder obliges and Bill brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Bill’s leg. He takes the dog back to the breeder and complains, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”

  The breeder asks Bill what the dog did exactly. Bill explains that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

  The breeder says, “I see. He was just trying to tell you that there are more ducks out there than you can shake a fucking stick at.”

  A hunter was walking through the woods when he discovered a naked woman stretched out on the ground. He said to her, “Excuse me, madam, are you game?”

  “I certainly am,” she replied with a knowing wink.

  So he shot her in the tits.

  A big-game hunter walked in the bar and started bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. Not only was he a good shot, he claimed that if he was blindfolded he could recognize any dead game bird or animal pelt simply by feel. Not only that, if he could locate the bullet hole, he could even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

  The barman challenged him to put his money where his mouth was, so the hunter agreed to prove his skills if the other customers put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his frst item. After feeling it for a few moments, he said “Hare.” Then he felt around for the bullet hole and added, “Shot with a .308 rife.” He was dead right.

  They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car boot. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Deer, shot with a 7-mm rife.” He was right again. For the rest of the evening he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, blind drunk and fell into bed. The next morning he got up with a sore head and when he looked in the bathroom mirror found that he had one hell of a shiner.

  He said to his wife, “I know I was pissed last night, but not so pissed that I got in a fght I don’t remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

  His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and woke me up by putting your hand inside my knickers. Then you stuck three fngers inside me and shouted, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

  A man went out hunting with a double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him directly through the genitalia. When he came round from surgery several hours later, he found that the doctor had done what appeared to be a very satisfactory job of repairing the damage. He thanked the doctor profusely and as he was getting ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him
.”

  The farmer asks: “Is your brother a specialist?”

  “No,” the doctor replies, “he plays the fute. He’ll show you where to put your fngers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

  Two men are out in the woods hunting, when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. His friend takes out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

  The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

  There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “Okay, now what?”

  HURRICANE KATRINA

  How do you get thousands of poor people out of New Orleans before a food? You don’t.

  Which part of New Orleans was the frst to surrender to the Hurricane Katrina food waters?

  The French Quarter.

  The FBI say that they have proof that Al-Qaeda was responsible for the New Orleans foods. They are stepping up their hunt for a Suicide Plumber.

  Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

  A black guy swims into a bar . . .

  ICE CREAM

  A man walks past an ice-cream shop that advertises, “Every favour ice cream in the world.”

  “Bullshit,” thinks the man and walks in. “Okay, give me three scoops of cunt-favoured ice cream, please.”

  “No problem, sir,” replies the assistant, giving the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone.

  “This doesn’t taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!” says the man, grimacing.

  The assistant replies, “Of course it does. Try taking shorter licks.”

  “I went to make a purchase from the ice-cream van the other day and found the vendor lying dead on the foor of his van, covered in hundreds and thousands. Apparently he topped himself.”

  A paraplegic goes to an ice-cream van. The vendor asks him what flavour he’d like. “It doesn’t matter” the customer replies: “I’m going to drop it anyway.”

  INCEST

  A teenager and his twin sister were approaching their end-of-term school prom night and neither of them had a date. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, “You got a date for the prom yet?”

  “No, why? Have you got someone lined up for me?”

  “Not exactly. Why don’t you take me?”

  “Take you? You have to be joking, you’re my sister!” he grimaces.

  “Well, are you taking somebody else out?”

  “You know I don’t have a date, sis.”

  “Neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we? So we should go with each other.”

  The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around and neither sibling had a date, so the brother told his sister that he’d take her to the prom on Friday.

  At the dance, both of them have a great time. The brother was glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the bar, his sister said, “Hey, bro, let’s dance.”

  He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, “Look, sis, I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”

  “Don’t be so shy. Look, John is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?” The brother reluctantly agreed, and they danced a slow number. The rest of the prom passed and it was time for them to go.

  Both of them have had a good time. In the car, the sister looked over at her brother at the wheel and said, “I don’t want to go straight home.”

  He gave her a curious look. “What did you have in mind?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”

  He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, she looked over at him again and said, “Want to fnd some place to park?”

  “Jesus!” said the brother, “Are you mad? You’re my sister, I’m not parking up somewhere with you!”

  “Who said anything about parking up? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”

  So she fnally talked her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again.

  “Why don’t you kiss me?”

  “You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister!” And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

  She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. And you’re my brother. So we love each other, right? So why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”

  “Do what?” said her brother, already knowing full well what his sister had in mind. “You know what,” his sister replied.

  “I can’t do that with you, you’re my . . .”

  His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister whispered “You know, you’re a lot lighter than dad.”

  “I know,” said her brother. “Mum told me.”

  My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. For example, only this morning she asked me: “Is that the best you can do?”

  How do you circumcise a boy from Norwich?

  Kick his sister in the face.

  A Londoner is sitting down in a bar next to a guy from Norwich. After too many beers, the Londoner says, “Is it true that everyone from your neck of the woods dates their own cousins?”

  The guy from Norwich reacts with fury. “That’s a fucking malicious lie made up by you cockney bastards just to poke fun at people from Norwich!”

  He went on “I’ve lived in Norwich all of my life and never once dated my cousin. Oh, I fucked her a few times . . . but I NEVER took her anywhere frst!”

  I’ll never forget the day I had consensual sex for the very first time without paying for it. It was a little bit embarrassing because afterwards I threw money on the mattress out of habit. Afterwards she told me I didn’t have to pay, but I said, “Just keep the money, mum, you can put it towards my half of the rent this month.”

  Did you hear about the bisexual German?

  He went down on his Hans and niece.

  Why is non-alcohol lager like licking your sister’s vagina?

  It tastes roughly the same but you know it just isn’t right.

  INFIDELITY

  I came home from the pub one night and said to the wife, “You know what? I heard our milkman has slept with every woman in this street except one.”

  “It wouldn’t surprise me,” she replied. “I bet it’s that stuck-up bitch from number 109.”

  A man calls his home from work to tell his wife he’s working late. A strange woman answers.

  He says, “Who is this?”

  “This is the maid,” answers the woman.

  “We don’t have a maid!”

  “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

  “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

  “Umm . . . she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just fgured was her husband.”

  The man is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make yourself a lot of money?”

  “Sure, what do I have to do?”

  “I want you to get my gun from my desk in the back room then go upstairs and shoot that bitch and whoever she is with.”

  The maid puts down the phone. The man hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

  “What do you want me to do with the bodies . . . throw them in the swimming pool?”

  “What? We don’t have a swim
ming pool! Hang on – is this 01785—?”

  A man came home a day early from a business trip and found his wife in the bedroom in the middle of a passionate lovemaking session with a complete stranger in their bedroom. He demanded: “What the hell’s going on?”

  His wife turned to the other man and said, “See, I told you he was a stupid cunt.”

  A man woke up on his fortieth birthday feeling old and depressed. He went downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would cheer him up by saying, “Happy Birthday!” and perhaps have a small present for him.

  As it turned out, she barely said a word and all but ignored him. He thought to himself, “Well, that’s fucking marriage for you . . . but the children, they will remember.”

  In the event his kids came downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So he left for the offce, feeling low and rather despondent.

  As he walked into his offce, his attractive young secretary Sally said brightly, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!”

  It cheered him up no end that at least someone had remembered. Later that morning his secretary knocked on his door and said, “Boss, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”