The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly bisected in two matching halves.

  “Fantastic!” enthused the Emperor. “Samurai number two, show me your skills.”

  So the Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fy. He drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, swish, the fly fell to the foor neatly quartered.

  “That is indeed a formidable skill,” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, samurai number three?” The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, fourished it so mightily that it produced a gust of wind. The fly, however, was still buzzing around the room.

  “I am disappointed,” said the Emperor. “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

  “Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish samurai. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill . . .”

  What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

  A canoe tips.

  What is the difference between karate and judo?

  Karate is a martial art, while judo is what bagels are made from.

  Two old Jewish ladies were shopping one afternoon when one says to the other, “Wish me good luck. My son finally met a girl and maybe they will get married. But the only thing I know about her is that my son says that she has Herpes. What is herpes?”

  Her friend replies, “I don’t know, but I have a medical dictionary at home and I will look it up for you.”

  The next day the ladies again meet. She says to her friend, “It’s okay. You don’t have to worry. Apparently It’s a disease of the gentiles.”

  KINKY SEX

  A Scottish mate of mine is into heavy S&M. He likes nothing more than being beaten up by a vicious woman whilst naked and vulnerable. He told me he visits brothels for this several times a week.

  “Christ, that must cost you a fortune,” I said.

  “Not a penny,” he replied, “I just book a normal service, shag the arse off her, then tell her I haven’t got any money.”

  What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

  S&M&M.

  What’s the difference between kinky and perverse?

  Kinky is using a feather, perverse is using the whole chicken.

  A man was arrested yesterday after being caught with his dick in the bank vault. He said he was only having safe sex.

  What’s the best thing about kinky sex? Wiping the blood off the hammer.

  Why do blow-up dolls make great lovers?

  Because they always look shocked at the size of your cock.

  Vertigo fetishists. The bigger the fall, the harder they come.

  I was in the middle of an asthma attack the other day when I got an obscene phone call. Half way through the call, the guy at the other end paused and said, “Er . . . just remind me. Did I call you, or did you call me?”

  A man is sitting in a pub one evening on his own when he catches the eye of a beautiful woman at the far end of the bar. Eventually he musters the courage to go over and speak to her. “Hi, what brings a gorgeous lady like you here?” he asks

  “I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, so I’m just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom.”

  “Believe it or not, I’m here for the same reason. My girlfriend has just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!”

  They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening. As she is about to leave, she asks if he’d like to come back to hers; he accepts. When they get back to her place, she motions to the sofa and says, “I’ll be right back, I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable.” She goes into the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp mask and a leather dominatrix outft.

  When she returns she sees the man heading towards the door. “Where are you going to?” she asks.

  “Well,” says the man, “I’ve fucked your dog and had a shit in your handbag – thanks, I’m off.”

  My wife’s back on the bottle. Apparently fisting just isn’t the same.

  My friend was placed on the sex-offenders’ list for simulating sex with a bicycle. He was bike curious.

  Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles?

  Because his wife is dead.

  Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were having a coffee and chatting about the state of their rather stale relationships. They decide to surprise their men that night, by wearing bondage-style leather bodices, stilettos and masks. A week later they meet again to compare notes.

  The engaged girlfriend says, “The other night when my boyfriend came back home he found me with the leather bodice, six-inch stilettos and mask. He took one look at me and said: ‘You are fantastic, I love you’ – then we made passionate love all night long.”

  The mistress says, “Me too: the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, huge stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say much . . . but we had wild sex all night.”

  The married woman says, “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s. I got myself ready: leather bodice, six-inch stilettos, mask, the works. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: ‘Okay, Batman, what’s for dinner?’”

  The other day the wife and me tried a new tantric sex position called “The Plumber”. You stay in all day and nobody comes.

  My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our sex lives.

  Unfortunately “Guess who I shagged last night?” didn’t go down very well.

  LAWYERS

  A lawyer woke up in the middle of the night to find the devil standing at the foot of his bed. “What do you want?” asked the lawyer.

  “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you ever take for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends, and I want to have anal sex with your twelve-year-old daughter.”

  “Okay,” said the lawyer after a moment’s thought. “So, what’s the catch?”

  A lawyer walked into a doctor’s surgery with a frog on his head. “That’s a nasty looking growth,” said the doctor.

  “I’ll say,” replied the frog. ‘It started out as a small pimple on my arse.”

  What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished badger in the road?

  Crows will eat the badger.

  A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle with me, I’m still a virgin.”

  “What?” said the astonished groom. “How can you possibly be a virgin? You told me you’ve already been married ten times?”

  “It’s true,” she explains, “but I’ve been very unlucky in love. My first husband Ken was a sales rep. All he ever did was tell me how great it was going to be.

  “My second husband Martin worked for a software company. He was never really sure how it was supposed to work, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. My third husband Desmond was a feld technician. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

  “My fourth husband Thomas was in customer services: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. My fifth husband Fred was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

  “My sixth husband Bernard was in fnance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. My seventh husband Richard was in marketing: he had a decent product, but he was never sure how to position it. My eighth husband
Roy was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband number nine was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it. My tenth husband Tim was a stamp collector. God! I miss him! Anyway, now that I’ve married you I’m really excited!”

  “Great, I’m pleased to hear it,” said the new husband, “but why?”

  “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get fucked.”

  A big city lawyer went pheasant hunting in the Scottish lowlands. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s feld on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer was climbing over the fence to retrieve the game bird, an old farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

  The lawyer responded, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in your feld. Now I’m going to get it back.”

  “No you’re not,” the old farmer replied. “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”

  The lawyer smiled. “I have to tell you that I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don’t let me retrieve that bird, I will sue you and take everything you own.”

  The old farmer smiled back. “You don’t how we settle disputes around these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule’.”

  The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

  The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on until one of us gives up.”

  The lawyer considered the proposed contest carefully and decided that he could easily take the old man. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s balls, dropping him to his knees. His second kick was to the midriff, causing the lawyer to throw up his last meal. With the lawyer helpless on all fours, spitting blood and vomit, the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

  Eventually the lawyer managed to pull himself to his feet. Wiping the blood and the puke from his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, old man, now it’s my turn.”

  The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, you’re all right, I give up. You can have the pheasant.”

  A couple are on their way to get married when they are involved in a fatal head-on car crash. They find themselves sitting outside the pearly gates, waiting for St Peter to fnish the paperwork so they can enter. “Excuse me,” the man says to St Peter, “but we were on our way to get married when we were killed. Is there any chance we could finish what we set out to do and get married up here?”

  “Hmmm. I don’t know,” says St Peter. “This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go fnd out.”

  The couple sit waiting and begin to have second thoughts about whether or not they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn’t work out? Are they stuck together forever?

  After a huge amount of time, St Peter returns, looking somewhat fustered. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

  “Terrific,” the couple respond. “But we have another question. What if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

  St Peter, clearly angered, petulantly throws his clipboard on to the ground.

  “We’re so sorry!” exclaim the anxious couple. “Did we say something wrong?”

  St Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a fucking lawyer?”

  A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a taste for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked her, “Do you enjoy it?”

  She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She replied that it did. The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

  The woman was mystifed. “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

  The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?”

  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

  The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

  LEPERS

  How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?

  The tongue is still in the envelope.

  What did the leper say to the prostitute?

  Keep the tip.

  How do you get a leper out of the bath?

  With a sieve.

  Did you hear what happened when the leper ran into a screen door?

  He strained himself.

  What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

  Soup.

  What’s the defnition of self-destruction?

  A leper with epilepsy.

  What’s green and melts in your mouth?

  A leper’s dick.

  How do you fit thirty-five lepers in a Mini?

  With a blender.

  What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you?

  Catch them and shout, “You’re OUT!”

  Why was the leper hockey game called off?

  There was a face-off in the corner.

  Did you hear about the man who picked up a leper at the gay bar?

  After he pulled it out, he got himself a nice piece of ass.

  How do you make a skeleton?

  Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

  Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony?

  Business was dropping off.

  Which was the favourite Beatles tune in leper colonies? “

  Lend me your ear and I’ll sing you a song . . .”

  What is the best part of marrying a woman with leprosy?

  She can only give you lip once.

  What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?

  A leper combing his hair with a potato peeler.

  What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?

  Stew.

  Did you hear about the leper who failed his driving test?

  He left his foot on the clutch.

  A leper wins a ticket to see the men’s final at Wimbledon. When he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and faking off and he’s deeply embarrassed. The leper wanders around centre court, looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an end-of-aisle seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, “No problem, mate. Just sit down and watch the game.”

  The leper sits down and says, “As you may have noticed, I have leprosy. If it bothers you, I will move.”

  “It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up and watch the game.”

  A while later, during the fifth game, the man suddenly throws up.

  Undigested strawberries and cream are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for letting me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to be ill. I will look for another place to sit.”

  The man finishes spewing up, wipes his mouth and says, “Look, mate, It’s not you, I promise. Just sit down, shut up and watch the game.”

  So the leper sits back down. But during the second set the man begins to projectile vomit: a powerful blast of puke and bile emanates from this mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied. At this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you some distress. I will find somewhere else to sit.”

  “Honest, it’s NOT you. Just shut up and watch the game.”

  So the leper sits back down. But during the third set, the man begins to throw up again. This time it is dry heaving of the most painful variety. The leper feels terrible at the sight of
this man’s obvious suffering and once again he offers to leave. But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

  So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so ill, what is it?”

  “It’s that bloke behind you, pal. He keeps dipping his Doritos in your back.”

  Why was the leper unable to speak?

  The cat got his tongue.

  Why do lepers make such good neighbours?

  They’re always willing to lend a hand.

  What’s a leper’s favourite chocolate bar?

  Flake.

  What’s small, green and falls apart?

  A leprechaun.

  How do you know if a leper has been using your shower?

  The bar of soap is bigger.

  LESBIANS

  What is the defnition of confusion?

  Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

  What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

  Single.

  A lesbian goes to see her gynaecologist. Upon examination, the doctor says, “It’s immaculate in here, the cleanest vagina I ever saw. What do you do to keep yourself so hygienic?”

  “Easy,” she replies. “I have a woman in twice a week.”

  What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the sixty-nine position? Meals on Wheels.

  What do you call a lesbian with big hands? Well hung.

  What do you call a group of lesbians in a feld of dildos? Squatters.

  Science isn’t all its cracked up to be. Okay, they’ve put a man on the moon, but they haven’t managed to get one on Martina Navratilova.