How does a lesbian asthmatic breathe? In snatches.
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist with indigestion. The nutritionist advises, “It’s simple. Basically, you are what you eat.”
She replies, “Are you calling me a cunt?”
How many nails are used to make a lesbian’s coffin? None: it’s all tongue and groove.
A young boy comes home from school one day and says, “Mummy, mummy! What’s a lesbian?”
“I’m busy,” replies his mother. “Ask your father when she gets home.”
What pickup line does a lesbian use most? “Your face or mine?”
What do you call a load of lesbians on top of each other? A block of faps.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.
A man walks into a bar and orders ten double vodkas then downs them in one. The barman says, “That looks like serious business. What’s the problem?”
The man replies, “My youngest son has just informed me that he’s gay”
The next day the same man goes in and orders fifteen double vodkas and sinks them in one. “What happened?” asks the barman.”
“I just found out my eldest son is also gay” he replies.
The next day he goes in and orders twenty double vodkas.
“Christ!” says the barman. “Does no one in your family like pussy?”
“Yes,” he replies. “The wife, apparently.”
How can you tell if a lesbian is really butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
What’s the worst thing about catching your wife in bed with another woman?
Who’s in the kitchen?
“I saw a porno film called Anal Lesbians the other night. It was rubbish. They spent the entire flm labelling everything in the fridge.”
What do you call a lesbian with fat fngers?
Well hung.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do lesbians come out of the pantry?
LIGHT BULB JOKES
How many children with Attention Defcit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb? Want to play on my Nintendo?
How many paranoiacs does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
How many Jehovah’s Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three – one to change the bulb and turn it on, the other two bastards to knock on your door and ask if you’ve seen the light.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – the diffcult bit is getting them in the light bulb in the frst place.
How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes the entire A&E department to remove it.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to change the light bulb and the other to suck my cock.
How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two – one to screw it in and one to tell him he’s screwing it in the wrong way.
How many Scousers does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them - one to change the light bulb, the rest of them to have a funeral for the old light bulb and all sign a book of condolences for it.
How many Afghans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Irrelevant - the electricity has been off for at least a year anyway.
How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to change the light and two to eat the packaging.
How many lepers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and the other to give him a hand.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - “Don’t worry about me. I’ll just sit here in the dark. It’s not like you care. You never write. You never call . . .”
How many swingers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Swingers don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
What does any of it matter? Who cares anyway?
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty-seven - one to hold the bulb and sixty-six to read the instructions.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
I’ve no idea, but it’s a great laugh watching them try.
How many cocksuckers does it take to change a light bulb? Shut up and keep sucking. You can change it after I’ve come.
How many cancer victims does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they’re too weak to climb the ladder.
How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb?
Four – one to cry, two to provide a supportive atmosphere and one to ring the ex-husband for instructions.
One.
How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
How many Amish people does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to unscrew the light bulb and the other to fuck my stepmother, sorry, hold the stepladder.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends if the bulb owns any oil reserves or not.
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change it and one to hold a white fag just in case.
How many Essex girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Chavs don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in pools of their own sick.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won’t fnd a lawyer who can change a light bulb. However, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.
How many old people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
“In my day we didn’t have light bulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk six miles to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm . . .”
A man walks down the street and on the way he meets a friend, who happens to have only one arm. “So, what are you up to?”
“I’m going to change a light bulb.”
“Won’t that be diffcult, with just the one arm?”
“Not really. I’ve still got the receipt.”
LIMERICKS
There was a young widow from Kent
With a cunt of enormous extent
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Formed an echo whenever you spent.
There was a young fellow called Howell
Who buggered himself with a trowel.
The triangular shape
Was conducive to rape,
And easily cleaned with a towel.
There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a fake cunt out of clay.
He stuck in his dick
But the thing turned to brick
And chafed his foreskin away.
There was a young man from Harrow,
Who had a dick as big as a marrow.
He said to his tart
“Try this for a start.
My balls are outside on a barrow.”
There was a man from Mauritius
Who said his last fuck was delicious
But the next time I cum
It’ll be up your bum
Cos that scab on your clit looks suspicious.
There once was a young man from Sparta
Who was a magnifcent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He’d fart, “God Save the Queen”
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
There once was a girl called Louise
Whose pubes hung down to her knees.
So the crabs in her twat
Tied her hairs in a plait
And constructed a flying trapeze.
There once was a rector from King’s
Whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his heart was on fre
For this boy in the choir
Whose arse was like jelly on springs.
There was an old woman from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In less than an hour
Her tits were in flower
And her cunt was covered in weeds.
There was a young lady from China
Who had an enormous vagina
And when she was dead
They painted it red
And used it for docking a liner.
There was a young gaucho called Bruno
Who said, “There’s one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno.”
There was a young girl called Dolores
Whose fanny was covered in sores.
The dogs in the street
Used to snap at the meat
That hung in green gobs from her drawers.
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said, “Shit! Your hole is a tight one!”
Said the girl, “Shut your face! You’re in the wrong place!
There’s plenty of room in the right ’un.”
There was a young fellow called Runyon,
Whose penis developed a bunion.
With every erection, This painful infection Gave off a strong odour of onion.
There was a young vampire called Mabel
With periods exceedingly stable.
By the light of the moon
She sat down with a spoon
And drank herself under the table.
There once was a lady from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too.”
There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury,
Until taken to court
For his vigorous sport
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.
There was a young fellow from Perth
The dirtiest fucker on earth.
When his wife was confned
He crept up behind
And swallowed the whole afterbirth.
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts were the prices for ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The bar snacks were printed in Braille.
There was an old lady of Ypres
Who got shot in the ass by some snipers,
And when she blew air
Through the holes that were there,
She astonished the Cameron Pipers.
There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at screwing was very adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
There was a young novice called Bell
Who didn’t like cunt all that well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never could suck one,
He just couldn’t get used to the smell.
There was a young girl from
Throgmorton
Who had one long tit and a short ’un.
To make up for that,
She’d a six-foot-wide twat
And a fart like a 650 Norton.
There was a young girl named Priscilla
Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
But she called it a day with Godzilla.
A lady from Texas called Jill
Used dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels from a doorway.
She said to her beau,
“Look at this, Joe,
I think I’ve discovered one more way!”
There was an old man from Calcutta
Who was having a wank in the gutter.
A woman walked by
Got spunk in her eye
And thought it was Ireland’s best butter.
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born a fortnight too soon.
He hadn’t the luck
To be born of a fuck
’Twas a wank shovelled in with a spoon.
There was a young queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and in where and to whom.
There was a young maid from Madrid
Who would open her legs for a quid.
But a handsome Italian
With balls like a stallion
Said he’d do it for nothing, and did.
There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a rather strange feeling.
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
Then pissed all over the ceiling.
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rumba on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There once was a girl from Sri Lanka
Whose cunt was as big as a tanker.
You could go for a swim
In the depths of her quim
And you needed a lamppost to wank her.
There once was a rodent called Keith
Who circumcised boys with his teeth.
It wasn’t for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath.
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when she came,
“Oh dear, what a shame!
Well now we just have to start over.”
There once was a fella named Mort
Whose prick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
“That’s not a dick, it’s a wart.”
There was a young maid named McDuff
Who had a luxuriant muff.
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
There was a young maid from Cape Cod
Who dreamed she was sleeping with God.
’Twas not the Almighty
Who pulled up her nightie,
’Twas Roger the lodger, the sod.
There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
There was a young man from Coblenz
Whose balls were quite simply immense:
It took forty draymen
A priest and three laymen
To transport them thither and hence.
There was a young man from Peru
Whose lineage was noble all through.
It’s surely not crud,
For not only his blood
But even his semen was blue.
There was a young man of Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The drawing was fne,
The colour divine,
But the scent, alas, was a failure.
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone spike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
There was a young fella called Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He settled the bail
By doing the s
ame to the jailer.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Took a pig to a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, “No, I’m queer,
Get away from my rear,
Just come to the front and I’ll suck it.”
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker’s, plus eight
Is his phone number - give him a call.
There was a young maiden called Randall
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By walking out bare
To the main village square
And poking herself with a candle.
There was a young dentist called Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a ft of depravity
He flled the wrong cavity,
Good Lord! How his practice has grown!
There was a young tyro called Fyffe
Who married the love of his life.
But imagine his pain
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn’t enter his wife.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young virgin from Bude
Whose proclivities were often viewed
With distrust by the males
For she’d fondle their rails,
But never would let them intrude.
There was a young woman called Dexter
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 27
