Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they’d start
He’d let fly a great fart
With a blast that damn near unsexed her.
There was a young lady named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
But now that it’s in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”
There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
Before the conductor
While the freman came in his pants.
There was a young woman called Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
By six other men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria.
There was a young woman from Bicester
More willing by far than her sister.
The sister would giggle
And wriggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
There was a sweet lady who said,
As her new beau climbed into her bed,
“I’m tired of this stunt
That they do with one’s cunt,
You can slip up my bottom instead.”
There was a young fellow called Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work.
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream,
And polished it off with a jerk.
There was a young girl called McBight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to her bed
With a split maidenhead:
It was the last time she ever got tight.
There was a young girl called O’Clare
Whose body was covered in hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one’s gun,
For the target might be anywhere.
There was a young girl from Cornell
Whose nipples were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
But when she got drunk,
They quickly got bigger than hell.
There was a young girl from Eskdale
Who put up her sweet arse for sale.
For two threepenny bits
You could tickle her tits,
But a shilling would get you some tail.
There was a young fellow called Lancelot
Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot.
Whenever he’d pass
A pretty young lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
There was a young monk from Tibet,
And this is the strangest one yet –
His prick was so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a knobbing machine. Concave or convex,
It would suit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.
There was a young girl with angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.
There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the foor.
In a manner uncanny
She’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.
There once was a plumber from Leigh
Who was rodding his girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
He replied: “I know love, it’s me.”
From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, “Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?”
There was a man from Bhoghat
Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat
. They had to be parted
Whenever he farted,
And propped wide apart when he shat.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two boobs, and he had ’em.
There once was a lady from Hitchin
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, “Rose,
You’ve got crabs I suppose.”
She said, “Yes, and the fuckers are itchin’.”
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so big he could suck it. He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless I’m quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
LINGERIE
A very flat-chested woman goes shopping in search of a bra in her size. She goes into an upmarket department store and approaches a sales assistant in the lingerie department, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”
The assistant replies in the negative, so the woman leaves the store and finds another department store where she is rebuffed in a similar manner.
After a third unsuccessful attempt at another department store she decided to try another approach. She walks into the Anne Summers lingerie store, marching up to the sales counter, lifts up her top and demands: “Do you have anything for this?”
The assistant looks closely and replies, “Have you tried Clearasil?”
Two men finish showering in the gym when one puts on a pair of lace knickers.
“Since when do you wear women’s underwear?” the other asks.
“Oh, since around the time my wife found them in the glove compartment.”
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Top Ten Things Men Should Never Say When shopping for lingerie
1 Does this come in children’s sizes?
2 No thanks, just sniffing.
3 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
4 Mum will love this.
5 The size doesn’t matter, she’s inflatable.
6 No need to wrap it up, I’ll eat it here.
7 Will you model this for me?
8 The Miracle what? This is better than world peace!!
9 £45? You are just going to end up naked anyway.
10 You’re never going to squeeze your arse into that.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went to play a round of golf with their respective wives tagging along as caddies. While they are walking around the course the Englishman’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Deeply embarrassed, the Englishman stormed over and demanded a reason for her state of undress.
“Well, darling,” she explained, “you give me so little housekeeping money that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.” With that the Englishman fumbled for his wallet and said, “Here’s a tenner, go to Marks and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”
Two holes further on, the Irishman’s wife was caught by a gust of wind, lifting her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either. The Irishman ran over and demanded a reason for her lack of underwear.
“Well, darling,” she explained “you give me so little housekeepin
g money that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.” With that the Irishman put his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a fiver, go to Primark and get some knickers.”
Three holes further on, the Scotsman’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn’t wearing any knickers. The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well, darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifce, usually no one notices.”
With that the Scotsman put his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb, go and tidy yourself up, woman!”
“My wife came into the bedroom wearing a sexy negligee. She said, “Tie me up and do whatever you want”. So I tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.”
A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a joyless sex life. She puts them on, together with a very short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband while he’s watching the football. At the appropriate moment she crosses and uncrosses her legs.
“Are you wearing crotchless knickers?” he asks.
“Yes,” she answers, seductively.
“Thank fuck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”
THE LOTTERY
A lad from a very poor family wins £5 million on the lottery. He goes home and hands his dad £500. His dad looks at the cash and says: “Thanks son. This money will mean a lot to me. We’ve never had much in this family, we’ve always been poor. In fact, we were so poor I couldn’t even afford to marry your mother.”
“What!” exclaims the son. “You mean I’m a bastard?” “Yes, son,” replies his dad, “and a fucking tight-fisted one at that.”
Four Jews win the lottery and scoop the £10 million jackpot. They are getting ready to divide up the cash and one says: “Right, so that’s £2 million to me, £2 million to each of you, and £2 million to the Germans.”
The other two are stunned. “£2 million to the Germans? What for?”
The first Jew replies, rolling up his sleeve: “To be fair lads, they did give us the numbers.”
Did you hear about the gypsy who won the lottery?
They paid him with travellers’ cheques.
A man says to his wife, “What would you say if I told you I’d
won the lottery?”
She says, “I’d take half and then leave you.” “Excellent,” the guy says. “I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here’s a fiver, now fuck off!”
A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”
The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someone else.”
The rector goes into the bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. The bishop listens and both return to confront the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no problem,” the man says. “I just won fve million fucking quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”
“I see,” says the Bishop, “and this cunt is giving you a hard time?”
MAGIC
A man spends several days crossing the desert without water. Even his camel has died of thirst. As he is crawling through the sands on his hands and knees, convinced he is about to die, he suddenly sees an old briefcase sticking out of the sand a few yards ahead of him. He crawls to the old briefcase and opens it and out pops a genie. This, however, is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a grey suit and sporting an Inland Revenue ID badge on his lapel. There is a calculator in his pocket and he’s holding a clipboard.
“Okay,” says the genie, “I’m sure you know how this works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this,” says the man, “This is a mirage. I must be losing my mind.”
“So what do you have to lose?” says the genie. “You’re going to die anyway, right?”
The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
In a fash, the man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of fruit.
“What’s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
In a flash the man fnds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“You have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that beautiful women will want and need me.” In a flash, he is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: if the Revenue offers you anything, there’s bound to be a string attached.
A gorgeous blonde walks into a bar. The man at the bar says to her, “I’m drinking magic beer. You want one?”
“No thanks,” she says. “There’s no such thing.”
“Sure there is, I’ll show you.” He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, then he flies up and around the building and back in through the bar window.
“That’s unbelievable,” she gasps.
“Hey, barman, pour me another one of them magic beers.” The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man knocks about half of it back and proceeds to leap out of the window and circle the building again.
“Here, you try it,” he says to the blonde. She takes a big gulp from the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about thirty feet to the ground, breaking both of her legs.
The bartender says, “Superman, you’re a right cunt when you’re drunk.”
A magician was working on a cruise ship. As there was a completely new audience every couple of weeks, he was able to get away with the same routine over and over again. The only problem was that the ship’s captain had a parrot that saw the shows each week and began to understand and memorize how the magician did every trick. After a while the parrot started to shout out in the middle of the show, “Look, he’s got a card up his sleeve”, or “Look, he’s hiding something under his hat” or “Why is it always the queen of clubs?” The magician wanted to kill the parrot but wasn’t in a position to do anything – after all, it belonged to the ship’s captain.
One evening, however, in the middle of his show there was a freak storm and the ship sank. The magician found himself foating on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. For a couple of days they glared at each other, but did not share a single word.
This went on for three days, then four. Finally on the fifth day, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”
Cinderella was eighty years old, having outlived her prince by more than a decade. She spent her days sitting on her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with only her cat Fred for companionship.
Then one evening, out of nowhere appeared her old friend, the Fairy Godmother. “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” said Cinderella.
The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good life I have decided to grant you three more wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella is overjoyed. After careful consideration she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was very rich.” In an instant her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish f
or your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: “I wish I was young and beautiful again.” In an instant, her former beautiful youthful self was restored. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long-forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her veins.
The Fairy Godmother spoke again; “You have one more wish, Cinderella, what does your heart desire?”
Cinderella replied: “I wish you to transform Fred my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Fred underwent a transformation. Suddenly, before her stood a young man so fair and handsome, the like of which she nor the world had ever seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, in a fash of blue light, she was gone. For a few moments, Fred and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect young male she had ever seen. Then Fred walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”
A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door. While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.
The husband crosses his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my penis touch the foor!” Suddenly, there’s another blinding flash of light and his legs fall off.
MANCHESTER UNITED
A van driver liked to amuse himself by running over Manchester United fans that he saw walking down the road in their red colours. He would swerve to hit them and listen for the satisfactory “THUD”, then he would swerve back on the road. One day he saw a priest hitchhiking and thought he would do a good turn. He stopped and asked the priest, “Father, can I give you lift?”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 28
