The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes

by E. Henry Thripshaw

  “I’m going to say mass at a church a couple of miles down the road,” said the priest.

  “No problem, father – hop in!”

  The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the van driver spotted a Manchester United fan and instinctively swerved to hit him. Just in time, however, he remembered who his passenger was, so with inches to spare he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the fan. Although he was sure he had missed him, he was puzzled to still hear the distinctive loud “THUD”. Not sure where the noise came from, he looked in his mirrors.

  “I’m sorry, father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.”

  “That’s okay, my son,” replied the priest. “I got the fucker with the door.”

  Why are Manchester United fans like rats?

  Because you’re never more than three yards away from one.

  How do you confuse a Manchester United supporter?

  Ask him the way to Manchester.

  What do you call twenty Manchester United fans skydiving from an aeroplane?

  Diahorrea.

  MARGARET THATCHER

  The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd. The ex-PM and His Holiness have seen it all before, so to make it a bit more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?”

  He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted with wild cheering from the Tories. Gradually, the noise subsides.

  “That was impressive,” says the Pope, “but did you know that, with just one little nod, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

  The Iron Lady seriously doubts this and says, “One nod and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

  So the Pope head-butts her.

  I had a wet dream about Margaret Thatcher last night.

  She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.

  Margaret Thatcher answers the phone. “Can I speak to the prime minister, please?” says the voice at the other end. She politely tells him she is no longer prime minister and suggests he tries another number. Half an hour later, Maggie’s telephone rings again. “Can I speak to the prime minister please?”

  “Look, I’ve told you once I’m not prime minister any longer, now piss off and leave me alone.”

  Ten minutes later he calls again. “Is that the prime minister?”

  Maggie says, “I’ve told you repeatedly that I am NOT prime minister any longer, why are you doing this to me?”

  “I just love hearing you say it,” says the caller.

  MARRIAGE

  A man gets home from work and says to his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

  So she brings him a beer and he drinks it.

  “Get me another beer before it starts,” he shouts.

  So she brings him another beer and he downs that one as well.

  “Get me another fucking beer before it starts,” he shouts at her again.

  “Listen here, you lazy fat bastard,” she shouts at him, “you walk in here, sit down and start barking out orders.”

  “Fucking hell! It’s started already!”

  A woman was in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walked in. She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”

  His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table.

  Afterwards she said, “Thanks”, and returned to the stove.

  More than a little puzzled, he asked, “Hang on . . . what was that all about?”

  She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

  How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

  Marry it.

  After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs. “God, I look old, fat and ugly.” She implores her husband; “Pay me a compliment, dear.”

  Her husband replies, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

  A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.”

  “Perfect,” replies her husband. “I was in the bathroom just now powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; you choose.”

  Who is the bravest man in the world?

  The guy who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and reeking of perfume, then slaps his wife on the arse and says: “You’re next, fatty.”

  My wife somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up her arse. I phoned the hospital to see how she was doing. They told me she was picking up nicely.

  A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?”

  She replies, “I’m off to London. I read that prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

  Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks.

  “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”

  This day holds painful memories for me because it was on this day two years ago that I lost my darling wife and two children. I’ll never forget that game of cards.

  I said to my wife last night: “Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?”

  “Okay,” she replied. “You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and watch TV.”

  I said to my wife the other night: “I’m going down the pub, get your coat.”

  “That’s nice, it’s about time you took me out for a drink,” she said.

  “Not fucking likely,” I said. “I’m turning the central heating off.”

  After ffteen years of marriage, my wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. If anyone knows a better way of getting dog shit off your trainers, I’m all ears.

  A woman says to her husband, “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

  He replies, “You’ve got a tighter cunt than your sister.”

  My wife dresses to kill. Coincidentally, she also cooks the same way.

  A married couple are in bed one morning. “I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for £100 each and thick dicks were going for £200.”

  “Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

  “They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.

  “That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for £500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”

  “How about mine?” asks the wife.

  “That’s where they were holding the auction.”

  I met my wife at a singles bar. Strange – I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

  Wife: “Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?”

  Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”

  An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are comparing their love lives.

  The Englishman says, “Before we make love, my wife and I drink a glass of wine. Then, after several hours of energetic sex, my wife tells me that she feels like she’s foating a foot off the bed.”

  The Scot says, “Before we make love, me and the wife have a shot of whisky. Then, after hours of sex, she tells me that she feels like she foating three feet above the bed.”

  The Irishman says, “Before having sex, I get completely pissed. I fuck my wife for five minutes, wipe my cock on her nightie, burp in her face and fall asleep. She hits the fucking roof!”

  My wife said to me, “I need mor
e space.” So I extended the kitchen.

  My wife spends a lot of time on eBay. I still haven’t had a single bid for her.

  A man took his wife to the county show. Among the exhibits were several breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that read, “This bull mated fifty times last year.” The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See that? He mated fifty times last year.”

  They walked a little further and saw another pen, with a sign that read, “This bull mated 100 times last year.” The wife hit her husband and said, “See that? That’s more than twice a week. You could learn something from that bull.”

  They walked a bit further and came across another, with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife hit him really hard and said: “See that? That’s once a day. You could really learn something from this one.”

  The husband replied, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”

  I was banging the wife last night and I asked her if she wouldn’t mind moaning a bit just to get me in the mood. She replied: “When the fuck is this ceiling going to get painted?”

  I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday. She said she wanted one of those big-screen TVs. So I moved her chair closer to the one we already have.

  My wife makes love like a chess player. Every twenty minutes, she moves.

  A married man keeps telling his wife “Darling, you have such a beautiful bum.” In fact, all of his friends and everyone in the neighbourhood agrees that she does indeed have a very beautiful bum.

  As her husband’s birthday is coming up, she decides to celebrate her perfect rear by taking a trip to the tattoo parlour and having the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her perfect rear. She walks into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful bum. The tattooist can’t help but agree. “You do indeed have a beautiful bum” he tells her. She then explains she wants the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her arse. The tattooist tells her: “I’m afraid I can’t fit that on your arse, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and you and your husband will know that it stands for ‘beautiful bum’.” She agrees and has the work done.

  On her husband’s birthday she decided to surprise him as he comes home from work. She stands at the top of the stairs wearing only a robe. When her husband opens the door, she says, “Look, honey.” She then takes off the robe and bends over.

  Her husband yells “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”

  A wife took her clothes off and asks her husband: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

  He looks her up and down and replies, “Your sense of humour.”

  What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

  You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

  Why do men die before their wives?

  Because they want to.

  A husband and wife go to visit a marriage guidance counsellor. First, the counsellor asks if he can talk to the wife alone. “You say you’ve been married for twenty-two years, so what seems to be the problem?” asks the counsellor.

  The wife replies, “He’s driving me mad! I’m going to leave him if he carries on!”

  “How does he drive you mad?”

  “Well, for twenty-two years,” she says, “whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s embarrassing.”

  The marriage counsellor is bemused: “Is that it?”

  “No. He keeps picking his nose all the time. Even in public.”

  “Anything else?”

  The wife continues, “Whenever we’re in bed, he never lets me be on top! Just for once I’d like to be on top!”

  “I see,” says the counsellor. “I would like a word with your husband now.”

  So the wife leaves the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her mad. She might leave you.”

  The husband looks genuinely shocked, “What? For twenty-two years I’ve been a loving and considerate husband and I’ve always given her everything she wants! I don’t understand!”

  The counsellor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her mad. For example, you’re always acting strange in public, looking at the foor and never going near anyone else.”

  The husband replies, “Okay, it’s something I swore to my father I would do on his death bed.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”

  The counsellor shakes his head. “I think you’ve probably taken your father’s words a little too literally. I think you will find that what he actually meant was that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”

  “Oh, really?” says the husband.

  The counsellor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”

  “Well, that’s another thing dad specifcally told me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”

  The counsellor bites his lip. “I think you’ll find that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”

  “Oh, right,” says the husband, looking very sheepish.

  “Also, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

  “This is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing,” says the husband, gravely.

  “What did he say?”

  The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said ‘Don’t screw up.’”

  The Four Secrets of a Happy Marriage

  1 It is important that you find a woman who can cook and clean.

  2 It is important that you find a woman who is financially independent.

  3 It is important to find a woman who is good in bed

  4 It is important that these three women never meet.

  A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. “What’s that for?” asks his wife

  “It’s for your headache,” replies her husband.

  “I don’t have a headache!”

  “Gotcha! Fancy a fuck then?”

  Who says men can’t multi-task? I can shag my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.

  My wife and I do it doggy style for at least half an hour every time. Or four minutes human time.

  A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s for his check-up. Afterwards, the doctor called the wife into his office. He said, “I need to speak to you alone. Unfortunately your husband is suffering from a very severe stress-related illness. If you don’t follow this strict regimen, your husband will certainly die. Each morning, fx him a healthy breakfast. Be nice to him and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.”

  The doctor continued: “Whatever you do, don’t burden him with household chores because this could stress him. Try not to discuss your problems with him – that will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

  “Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next nine months to a year I think there is an excellent chance that your husband will regain his health.”

  On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

  “You’re going to die.”

  MASTURBATION

  The local vicar was having a crafty wank in the bath. While happily tugging away and humming “Jerusalem”, he realizes that he is being watched from the bathroom window by his window cleaner, his jaw agape at what he’s just seen. A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings and it’s the window cleaner. The vicar is too embarr
assed to look the man in the eye and mumbles, “How much do I owe you?”

  “Fifty pounds,” comes the reply.

  “That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” blurts the vicar.

  “Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you disgusting old pervert.”

  The vicar hands over the cash and the window cleaner goes on his way. A week later the bishop pops round to the vicar’s house for a cup of tea. While the vicar is making tea, the bishop is admiring his home.

  “Lovely clean windows you have there, vicar, who does them for you?”

  “A man from the village does them for me,” replies the vicar.

  “He does a splendid job. How much does he charge?”

  “Fifty pounds,” replies the vicar.

  “Bugger me!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”

  What frst motivated man to walk upright?

  The chance to free his hands for masturbation.

  “There’s a saying, “Talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening.” Inevitably, the hand won’t listen either, so I started talking to my own hand. Well, things went well and one thing led to another. Before you know it, we were in my room having great sex.”

  I was masturbating to a National Geographic magazine the other day. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.

  What’s blue and sticky? Smurf cum.