“No, on the contrary—”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test because there is a third test – the flter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be of any use to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was ashamed and said nothing more.
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
POLES
Why do so many Polish names end in “ski”?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
What is long and hard, and a Polish bride gets it on her wedding night?
A new surname.
A man went to a Warsaw ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.
“Can you read that?” the doctor asked.
“Can I read it?” the Pole replied. “I think I shagged his sister.”
What do you get if you cross a Pole with a Scouser?
Someone who steals all the jobs.
POLICE
What game do policemen’s children play?
Pin the rape on the darkie.
What’s the definition of “police intelligence”?
An excuse to raid the wrong house.
How many metropolitan police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None, he fell.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The man pokes his head out of the window and says, “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The policeman looks him in the eye and says, “Are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about two miles back?”
“Thank fuck for that!” says the driver. “I thought I had gone deaf.”
What’s the difference between a woman and a mobile speed camera?
Generally, as far as a woman is concerned, you can see the cunt behind the bush.
A man is pulled over by the police for speeding. As the police officer is writing up the ticket, the man asks, “Can you arrest me for calling you something really abusive?”
“Yes,” replies the officer.
He then asks, “Can you arrest me for thinking something?”
“Of course not,” replies the officer.
“In that case,” says the man, “I think you’re a cunt.”
I was driving home from the pub one night when I was stopped by a policewoman. She walked over to my car, leaned in the window and said, “Have we had a drink, sir?”
I replied, “Nope . . . but I might have shagged you at a party . . .”
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
I found the girl of my dreams yesterday in the vegetable section in Tesco’s.
They don’t like you calling it the vegetable section any more though. It’s “disabled toilets” these days.
Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye, sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the Signals. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry, sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What nonsense is this, man?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had a terrible job getting ‘England’ past the censors, in case it was considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated no-smoking working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, I’m afraid, admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Ye Gods, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it then . . . full speed ahead.” Hardy: “I think you’ll find there’s a four-knot speed limit in
this stretch of water, sir.” Nelson: “Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch.
Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. There’s no safety harness. They have also pointed out that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. I’m afraid they won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get the ship’s carpenter without delay,
Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? On a battleship? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of minor problems there too, I’m afraid, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt because it could result in high blood pressure.”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny.”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of no-claim, no-fee lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frogs?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’teven be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchiman as you hate the devil!”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be more inclusive. Now, please put on your kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishiment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy.”
POLITICIANS
What’s the difference between paedophiles and politicians?
Politicians don’t keep pictures of the little people they fuck.
What do politicians use for birth control?
Their personalities.
A man gets stuck in traffc near Parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told: “The prime mi
nister is so depressed about the UK’s debt that he’s stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight.”
“What are you going to do?” asks the man.
“We’re putting together a collection for him,” says the officer.
“How much have you got?” asks the man.
“About forty gallons,” says the officer.
When politicians die, why are they buried in a hole thirty-six feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice people.
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What’s the difference between an MP and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Dad, what is politics?”
His dad replies, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she takes care of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has filled his nappy, he goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.”
The father says, “Well done, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A politician dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St Peter takes one look at him and says, “Sorry, no politicians allowed in Heaven.”
The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work.
“Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks St Peter.
The MP says, “Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic Relief.”
St Peter thinks for a while then says, “Wait here.”
He goes inside for a while, then comes back. “Sorry mate, I’ve had a word with God. He says, ‘Here’s your £100 back, now fuck off!’”
THE POPE
The Pope falls seriously ill and all the cardinals are very worried. They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing helips. Eventually one of the cardinals says: “There is only one doctor left that we haven’t tried, he is the best in all Italy.”
So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says: “I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.”
The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. “Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.”
The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, “Ok, I’ll do it, but on three conditions.”
“Okay,” says the cardinal. “What are the conditions?”
“One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.”
“Okay, your Holiness, what next?”
“Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.”
“Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?”
“She has to have big tits.”
A man is at the barber’s having his hair trimmed by Italian Tony. He mentions to the barber that he’s shortly going on holiday to Italy with the wife.
“My homeland!” says Tony. “Where abouts you going?”
“Rome.”
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It’s nasty and overcrowded and dirty. You’re crazy to want to go to Rome. Go to my hometown, Palermo. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Alitalia,” is the reply. “I got a good rate.”
“Alitalia?” exclaims the barber. “You fucking crazy? That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are dirty, their fight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place near the River Tiber called the Hotel Roma.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. It’s a terrible tourist trap. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s a shit-hole. Stay somewhere else. So, what you gonna do in Rome?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“Don’t make me laugh!” snorts the barber. “Sure, you’ll see him. You and a million other people. He’ll look the size of an ant.”
Six weeks later, the man returns for another trim. Tony asks him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explains the customer, “not only were we on time in one of Alitalia’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were fantastic and the cabin crew waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was amazing. They’d just finished a big refurbishing job and they upgraded us to a suite for free. Then we went to see the Vatican. We were really lucky, because as we were walking around, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“I don’t believe it! What’d he say?”
He says: “‘Tell me, my son, who fucked up your hair?’”
Old Hans was a minister in a small German town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Hans would like to ask. Old Hans didn’t have to think about it long. His first question was: “Will there ever be married Catholic priests?”
God promptly replied: “Not in your lifetime.”
Hans thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: “What about female priests then, will we have them one day?”
Again God had to disappoint old Hans: “Not in your lifetime, I’m afraid.”
Hans was a little disappointed to hear that. He decided to drop the subject. After having thought for a while, he asked the last question: “Will there ever be another German pope?”
God answered quickly: “Not in my lifetime.”
PORNOGRAPHY
A mother is cleaning her son’s room when she finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows the magazine to her husband.
“Well?” his wife asks. “What do you think we should do?”
“I’m really not sure,” the father replies. “But it’s probably not a good idea to spank him.”
Twenty Lessons We have learned from Watching Porn
1 Women always wear high heels to bed.
2 Men are never impotent.
3 When going down on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory.
4 If a woman is discovered masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist that he shags her.
5 Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.
6 Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-a
ged men.
7 Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8 Women always achieve orgasm when men do.
9 A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10 All women are noisy fucks.
My wife said, “When you’re watching pornography, do you think of me?”
I countered, “When you’re eating a cake, do you think of dogshit?”
Why is porn like a KFC meal?
It feels great when you’re doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty and your hands are all sticky.
Actors are often advised never to work with children or animals. Except in the porn industry.
11 In the 1970s people were unable to shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12 A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
13 There are Asian women, but no Asian men.
14 If you encounter a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend will not knock seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
15 There is always a plot.
16 When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the bottom.
17 Nurses will suck patient’s cocks.
18 When your girlfriend discovers you getting head from her best friend, she will be momentarily annoyed before fucking both of you.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 36
