19 Women never have headaches.
20 When a woman is sucking a man’s penis it is important for him to remind her to “suck it”.
I discovered today that my grandmother once starred in a porno flm. I don’t know what disgusts me more, the fact she made it or the fact I carried on wanking after I recognized her.
Why do women watch porn?
To see if the characters get married at the end.
Gay porn. What a load of bollocks.
POST
A man was working in the Post Offce sorting area one day when he came across a letter in shaky handwriting simply addressed to “God”. As there was no other forwarding address, he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an eighty-six-year-old widow, living on a very meagre pension. The other day someone stole my purse. It had £50 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas Eve and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money I have nothing to buy food with. As I have no family to turn to, you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Yours sincerely, Ethel.
The postal worker was very moved by the letter and showed it to all of his fellow employees. Every one of them stumped up some money – by the time he made the rounds, he had collected £46, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. They all felt happy in the knowledge the old lady would be able to share a meal on Christmas Eve with her friends.
Christmas came and went and a few days later another letter arrived, addressed in the same shaky handwriting, again addressed to God. All the Post Offce workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity I had a lovely Christmas Eve with my friends and I told them all about your wonderful gift.
Yours sincerely, Ethel.
P.S. There was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving cunts at the Post Office.
Three married women were sitting around discussing their sex lives. The first said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman said, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third fell silent until one of the other two asked. “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?”
She said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late and most of the time it’s in the wrong box.”
The Post Office has released a new stamp depicting a clitoris. It isn’t selling too well. Apparently only 2 per cent of the population know how to lick it.
A postman was on the last delivery of his career. Everyone on his route knew him and gave him presents to say goodbye. Eventually, he got to the very last house to deliver his final letter, when the front door of the house was opened by a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a scanty robe. She grabbed his hand and took him inside. For the rest of the day and all though the night they made passionate love. The next morning when the postman awoke he thought it had all been an amazing dream. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the beautiful, naked woman lying in the bed beside him. She got up and made him breakfast and poured him a cup of coffee. As he was finishing his breakfast he noticed a pound coin underneath the saucer.
“What’s the pound coin for?” he asked.
The women replied: “That was my husband’s idea. I asked him what to do for you on your last day. He said, ‘Fuck him! Give him a quid.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
What’s 100 yards long and smells of piss?
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
My wife is from Taiwan. People often ask me if she was a mail-order bride and I find this very insulting. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is extremely insensitive. I got her via DHL next-day delivery.
PREMATURE EJACULATION
I was invited to a function at the Premature Ejaculation Society. When I asked if there was a dress code, they said, “No, just come as you are.”
Premature ejaculation isn’t all bad news. I made ten sex-line calls last month and my total phone bill was less than two quid.
“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?”
“No. But I can introduce you to a women with a short attention span.”
Premature ejaculation. The greatest compliment a man can pay a woman and still they moan about it.
PRIESTS
One day Sean and Mick were sitting having a pint in a pub across from a brothel, watching the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were taken aback when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel. “Bejesus,” said Sean, “’Tis a terrible shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!”
A few minutes later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel. “Begorrah,” said Mick, “would you believe that? ’Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!”
A few more minutes passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel. Sean turned to Mick and said in a low voice, “Did you see that, Mick? One of them poor girls must be on her deathbed!”
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
A priest fell over a cliff and was hanging on by his fingertips. He looked up and said, “Lord, can you help me?”
A voice replied: “Let go of the cliff. Your mortal body will be dashed on the rocks below, but this time tomorrow you will be sitting on the right-hand side of God.”
The priest look up again and said: “Er, is there anyone else up there who can help?”
I’m all for women priests. At last, a member of the clergy that teenage boys will willingly have sex with.
What do you give the paedophile priest who has everything?
A bigger parish.
One day in Ireland a golfer was out on the thirteenth tee when he hooked his shot into the woods. When he went in search of his ball he came across a little man with this huge lump on the side of his head, lying right beside his golf ball. “Goodness,” said the golfer, who then proceeded to revive the poor little fellow.
Eventually the little guy sat up and said, “Well, mister, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”
The golfer replied: “I can’t take anything from you. I’m just sorry I hit you with my ball. I’m glad that I didn’t hurt you too badly.”
With that, the golfer played his shot and walked away. The leprechaun said to himself: “Well, what a nice man. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”
A year went by and the golfer was out on the same course at the thirteenth tee again. As luck would have it, he hooked his tee shot into the same woods and went off looking for his ball. When he found the ball, he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing.
The leprechaun said, “I’m doing just great, thanks for asking. And might I ask, how’s your golf game?”
The golfer said, “Well, as a matter of fact it has improved massively since we last met. I hit under par every time.”
“I did that for you,” said the leprechaun. “And might I ask, how’s your financial situation lately?”
“Well, now that you mention it, I keep finding these £50 notes!” he replied.
The leprechaun said, “I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?”
The golfer replied, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun was momentarily lost for words, “Once or twice a week? Is that all?”
The golfer looked at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
>
A priest suffering from a dry persistent cough goes to see his doctor. After careful examination and thorough blood tests the doctor tells him, “I am sorry, father, but you have AIDS and you are going to die.”
“Oh my God!” sobs the priest.
“Yes, I understand, father,” says the doctor. “You must be terrified.”
“Hell, no. Everybody dies. What really disappoints me is that there was a time when you could trust altar boys.”
What does a Catholic priest have in common with a pint of Guinness?
You need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
A new young Catholic priest has just started working at the local church when his head priest, Father Edward, tells him he is going on a seminary for a week. Father Edward asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for only a few minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who mows our lawn.”
The priest looks to his handbook and finds the appropriate section on sexual desire and gardening. “You must do five Hail Marys, and put something in the collection box,” he tells her.
Minutes later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the man who came to fx the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on sexual relations with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten Hail Marys and an afternoon polishing the church brass.
Minutes later, yet another woman enters the confessional box and admits that she has given the local policeman a blow job. However, the priest cannot find any mention regarding felatio and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box and says, “I don’t suppose anyone knows what Father Edward’s going rate is for a blow job?”
A passing choirboy replies: “A Creme Egg and a Kit-Kat.”
An elderly priest called Father O’Donnell was walking through his parish one sunny day when he came upon a little frog sitting by a pond. “Dear me,” said Father O’Donnell, picking it up, “you’re the saddest frog I ever did see. I only wish you could talk to me so that you might tell me your troubles.”
The frog replied, “I can tell you. I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I refused to accept a sprig of heather from a malicious passing gypsy and she put a terrible curse on me, turning me into a talking frog.”
Father O’Donnell couldn’t believe his ears. “This is amazing,” he said. “Is there anything I might do to help you?”
“Now you mention it, there is,” replied the little frog. “The gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and care for me, the curse will be lifted and I’ll be back to normal.”
“Well now, let’s see about that, little fellow,” replied Father O’Donnell. So he picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and took it home. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
“And that, Your Worship, is the case for the defence.”
PRINCESS DIANA
What was Princess Di’s favourite cocktail?
A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.
Why did Princess Diana have a Mercedes?
She wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda.
Why did Elton John sing at Princess Diana’s funeral?
Because he was the only queen that gave a fuck.
What’s the difference between Princess Diana and a beautiful bed of fowers?
Approximately six feet.
What do Princess Diana and Ferrero Rocher have in common?
They both come out of France in a fancy box.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.
What’s the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
BMW doesn’t get any royalties.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common?
Both were laid by Arabs.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
Did you know that Princess Di was on the phone when she crashed?
She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the gearstick and the headrests.
What would Princess Diana be doing now if she was still alive?
Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
What is the Queen getting Fergie for Christmas?
A black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking?
She hit the roof.
Why was Diana like a mobile phone?
They both die in tunnels.
What’s the one word that could have saved Princess Diana’s life?
“Taxi!”
Microsoft has announced that its new operating system is to be known, prior to launch, as “Diana, Princess of Windows”. A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late ex-royal. It is also appropriate because the product will look flashy, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and will crash spectacularly.
St Peter meets Mother Theresa at the pearly gates and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.” Later on Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven feeling quite pleased about her lovely new halo, when she sees Princess Diana wearing a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa immediately goes back to St Peter to complain. “St Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Diana did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. She was a vain self-obsessed attention seeker. Why does she have a bigger halo?”
St Peter replies, “That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.”
What does Prince Philip’s bumper sticker say? “I brake for paparazzi!”
PRISON
A city hedge fund manager was nervous about being in prison, especially because his cellmate looked like a proper thug.
“Don’t worry,” the rough-looking cellmate reassured him, “I’m in here for a white collar crime as well.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” said the financier. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”
“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the cellmate. “I just raped a couple of priests.”
My father went to prison for his beliefs. He believed it was okay to have a wank on the number 88 bus from Oxford Street to Clapham.
A prisoner escapes from his prison after serving twelve years of a life sentence. While he is on the run he comes across a house in a remote location and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband tells his wife: “Listen, this man is desperate. He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fght him, don’t complain, just do what he tells you. This man is dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, darling. I love you.”
His wife replies, “He has spent the last twelve years in prison. He wasn’t kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he finds you very attractive and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, darling. I love you too.”
After my first few prison showers, I found out why they call a prison term a “stretch”.
Ian Brady says to the prison guard, “I’m pissed off, I haven’t had a holida
y in years.”
The guard says, “You’re bullshitting me, Brady. A few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had three days up there. All those wide open spaces and fresh clean air.”
Brady replies, “Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet?”
Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes. The first prisoner asks the second guy, “What are you in here for?”
“Armed robbery.” “What did you get?” “Twelve years.”
They ask the third man, “What are you in for?” “Murder.”
“What did you get?” “Twenty years.”
Third man then asks the first man, “And what are you in for?”
“Setting fre to some lawyers with petrol.”
“What did you get?”
“About eight to the gallon.”
Paris Hilton is in prison, queuing up for some breakfast. Two guards are slopping porridge into each bowl for the prisoners. “Let’s have a laugh,” says one. “I’m going to wank in the porridge.”
“Great idea,” says the second. Both have a quick wank in the porridge before delivering it to Paris. Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says, “Eeuggh!! I’m not eating this!”
The guard asks: “Why not?”
Paris replies, “It’s got porridge in it.”
PROFANITY
A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 37
